Meeting People Off The Internet

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MadRabbit -> Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 9:37:09 AM)
This is a little bit long, but bare with me. I used to have the lease on a townhouse in the suburbs and via use of Craiglists and other local listings, rented out the rooms to strangers to keep my housing costs uberly low. I did this roughly for 3 years and during those 3 years, many of you might be shocked to know that both women and men provided phone numbers and personal information regarding themselves in the first email in response to my add and showed up at my doorstep to meet me and look at the room alone with no safecall, background check, personal information about me besides my name. Of course, when it came time to select someone as a roommate, I took a few precautionary steps such as acquiring driver's license numbers and in one rare case, a background check, but all in all, it mostly came down to gut instinct. In all cases, not a single candidate did any such research or precautions on me and moved in with only their instincts telling them I was a decent guy. Want to rape, murder, and cannibalize? Screw Internet BDSM personals! The shared rental section of Craigslist seems to be the more idle location given the risky behaviors going on there on a day to day basis! Recently, I ended the lease on my townhouse and am now looking for a room to rent and find myself in engaging in the same behavior without any concern or fear plaguing my mind. In other contexts on the Internet, I find similar behaviors that if duplicated on any BDSM forum or website would easily be shot down as unsafe, risky, and deadly. For example, I (as well as a lot of people) do a lot of online advertising for my business via free classified online ads in which I provide my name, business license number and phone number, allowing anyone with a bit drive to dig up personal information about me and stalk/do harm to me. Another example is Ebay. Hundreds of thousands of dollars changing hands every day with only an anonymous, nearly untraceable Internet identity serving as the gateway for the transaction. In conclusion, it would seem that the caution and fear of unscrupulous and malicious characters that seems to haunt the average BDSM website is not present in the mentalities of people engaging in other Internet interaction. What makes so BDSM different?

Dnomyar -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 9:40:13 AM)
About the same as going on a blind date.

MadRabbit -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 9:42:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dnomyar About the same as going on a blind date. Hmmm. Not sure that is an entirely applicable analogy, because, in my experiences, most blinds dates are setup via a friend or other third party who provides validation for the mystery encunter.

camille65 -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 9:44:11 AM)
I don't get the whole paranoia thing myself, I've met a lot of people without background checks or safe calls. Maybe... maybe it is the inherent sexual potential? Nearly everyone I met was as a friend, not a sexual or play partner. The ones that I did meet for the latter were ones that I'd chatted for awhile with.

GreedyTop -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 9:48:02 AM)
tongue in cheek MR.. don't you know that every other dom/sub/master/mistress/sub/slave/bottom is actually Ted Bundy's spiritual doppelganger?

subtee -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 9:50:13 AM)
"Off the Internet?" What is this, "Off the Internet?" Is it fiction? A fantasyland? I'm confused...

GreedyTop -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 9:51:19 AM)
tacklefucks Tee ok, back to your regularly scheduled thread....

UmbraDomina -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 10:03:26 AM)
becouse there is no saftey police for renting a room off craigs list that stands in their knowing fashion, telling you the list of rules and regulations that you must follow or you will be raped, found dead in a field, and all that other stuff. Yes, meeting strangers has a very slight hint of danger, but as humans how well do you know the guy or gal you met at a bar/coffee shop or what ever is any different then the guy/gal who you might met via the internet. The question is....... live in fear..... or live life? Just my .2 cents Alexandra ~

lovingpet -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 10:59:42 AM)
I agree it is the the sexual potential as well. From the submissive side, it is also that at some point you are likely going to be expected to willingly accept painful and potentially deadly play at the other person's hands. This is also to include bondage. A lot of fear can be eliminated by the old fashioned getting to know someone method, but these are more risky interactions on their face than renting a room. If I went to look at an apartment and someone told me ahead of time that I would have to be prepared to be tied up, gagged, and endure all kinds of painful stimuli at the hands of the person renting the place, I would automatically put more security in place than to respond to an ad where this was not the case. That is a silly situation really, but illustrates my point to some extent. I do not need to take all the extreme measures that are constantly recommended. I do what is best for me and to assist me in feeling comfortable. I have met folks for coffee to discuss potential play with no safety to speak of in place whatsoever. On the other hand, if I felt I could not trust someone, I would not be moving to private play in the first place. Still for MY level of comfort, even with someone I trust explicitly, I put in place a few insurances for MY peace of mind. What I did will not be appropriate for everyone, it was specific to ME and that particular individual. I may feel other measures are needed in another instance. The point of the matter is, more perceived risk begets more measures to counteract said risk. Whether or not the perception is correct is not up to anyone but that person to decide. Some may call the way a situation was handled haphazard, others that it was approached with undue paranoia. I think it is more important that a person be able to both do what they desire in life and be able to feel good about doing so. lovingpet

MadRabbit -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 11:01:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet I agree it is the the sexual potential as well. From the submissive side, it is also that at some point you are likely going to be expected to willingly accept painful and potentially deadly play at the other person's hands. This is also to include bondage. A lot of fear can be eliminated by the old fashioned getting to know someone method, but these are more risky interactions on their face than renting a room. If I went to look at an apartment and someone told me ahead of time that I would have to be prepared to be tied up, gagged, and endure all kinds of painful stimuli at the hands of the person renting the place, I would automatically put more security in place than to respond to an ad where this was not the case. That is a silly situation really, but illustrates my point to some extent. I do not need to take all the extreme measures that are constantly recommended. I do what is best for me and to assist me in feeling comfortable. I have met folks for coffee to discuss potential play with no safety to speak of in place whatsoever. On the other hand, if I felt I could not trust someone, I would not be moving to private play in the first place. Still for MY level of comfort, even with someone I trust explicitly, I put in place a few insurances for MY peace of mind. What I did will not be appropriate for everyone, it was specific to ME and that particular individual. I may feel other measures are needed in another instance. The point of the matter is, more perceived risk begets more measures to counteract said risk. Whether or not the perception is correct is not up to anyone but that person to decide. Some may call the way a situation was handled haphazard, others that it was approached with undue paranoia. I think it is more important that a person be able to both do what they desire in life and be able to feel good about doing so. lovingpet Thank you for your well-thought out post. You make a good point and I appreciate it.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 11:27:48 AM)
I don’t buy the premise of your question as being a correct generalization. What part of Charleston are you trying to find a room in? Downtown, North Charleston, West of the Ashley or across the Cooper? It’s probably the downtown area and there they have certain things they look for. If you are not a MUSC or C of C student, good luck trying to rent a room. Frankly, that’s what they are looking for. Try to rent a room in Atlanta and it may be a lot easier.

SteelofUtah -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 11:38:10 AM)
Hey MadRabbit, I like this topic, don't know if we will agree or not, but I see a lot of the safety talk as being either part of an excuse not to have to move forward into anything more than the existing fantasy or part of a control pattern to see what hoops someone is willing to do to get to know them. I personally believe in Tazers and Handguns, and I suggest that to any girl who asks what I think they should do when they meet someone for the first time. I suggest that they either carry a Tazer or a Handgun or at least the strongest pepper spray they can get a hold of legally. I tell them it may not stop them but it gives them an opportunity they may not have had otherwise. As for me personally, as many already know, I will give my number to just about anyone that I think is worth talking too. After a few e-mails they generally already know my real name and the names of those in my family. When I meet people I suggest that we me publically if that will make them comfortable however they are welcome to come to my home as well and if they are trying to stay frugal they can ever stay with me. I am just that kind of person. To date I have never been killed, hacked to pieces, trick rolled, robbed, or Man Handled by anyone I have invited over. "But you aren't a GIRL" I am hearing as people read this. To that I say if you are entertaining the idea of meeting someone who scares the living hell out of you, you may want to rethink your reason for doing so, or at least have a good reason why. I think that BDSM has this shroud of Bullshit all around it, do you know the number of stories that I have heard of horrible things happeneing to "Someone Else" and how few I have heard about the same horrible things happeneing to the person telling the story, and of those who have said it happened to them over time the truth comes out that they were full of shit not always I know there are those who have been raped or beaten or had bad things happen and that is a shame, but the majority of those who are telling the truth in my opinion are smaller than those lying. Do BAD things happen, Yes they do, The SlaveMaster proved that girls went out and ended up dismembered in 55 gallon drums, so YES there are BAD people out there, but there are bad people EVERYWHERE. The paranoia only helps to continue paranoia, so if you want to actually interact with people I just suggest that you know how to handle yourself and don't intentionally put yourself in situations you can't get out of. What Makes BDSM so different? Because we come right out and say all the things we plan on doing. We admit that we want to beat them, spank them, fuck them and tie them up. I think people are more cautious when they know EXACTLY what they are getting themselves into, know what I mean? Steel

NuevaVida -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 11:41:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit What makes so BDSM different? Along the lines of what lovingpet said, because of the added vulnerability included, brought about by the potential for bondage, discipline, sado-masichism involved. When corresponding/talking to people on the internet regarding goods and services, you're not doing so with the ultimate goal of a relationship (mental, emotional, physical, etc.) and with the idea that, at some point, you'll be making a decision about putting your well being in the hands of another. Sure, I may be meeting over coffee at first, but eventually (and it's likely we're both thinking it) I might find myself strung up, tied, blindfolded and whipped by this guy. In my eyes, that's the added risk. Having said that, I'll be meeting someone in LA next month who I met over the internet. And I do feel an element of risk in doing so, beyond that which I would feel if I were simply selling a product on eBay. :)

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 11:42:52 AM)
Well, sure. Can you imagine people into BDSM living in the same house and not ending up playing together sooner or later? You want to know something about the person who will be in the room beside your spanking bench.

Missokyst -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 12:21:39 PM)
While I do not understand the paranoia thing, I can see why people get all overly anal about meetings from a bdsm site. BDSM is a very sexually, sensually driven topic. If I go meet someone to check out a roommate situation I am probably not thinking that I will be naked in front of them anytime soon. Personally, I meet all people as regular nilla folk. I never think of someone as a dominant when I meet them for the first time. It takes out all the fear and by doing that, I have no expectations of what sort of person they are, or are not. Kyst

MadRabbit -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 12:34:32 PM)
Just for clarification, I am not trying to make an opinion. It's just A,B,C and being compared to D and a discussion about what makes D different.

RCdc -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 12:38:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit What makes so BDSM different? From finding a room? Sexual intent. the.dark.

SireKane -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 1:58:44 PM)
[/quote] I see a lot of the safety talk as being either part of an excuse not to have to move forward into anything more than the existing fantasy or part of a control pattern to see what hoops someone is willing to do to get to know them. [/quote] Well, said SteelofUtah, you hit the nail right on the head. People are on bdsm websites for a variety of personal reasons, lastly is meeting someone in person. I know I lot of bdsm folks, I own a private bdsm club. I'd estimate that 90% of the people I know online I knew offline first. Most of those who are genuinely interested in meeting other people are out there doing so, you see them at clubs, munches, lectures, fetish balls, discrete encounters, private play sessions ect... In my profile I specifically state that if you are not prepared to meet face to face for a cup of coffee or a drink please do not contact me. I've met more submissive women at vanilla nightclubs, strip clubs, and bars than I've met from bdsm websites. There are those online success stories, but they are few in comparison to the numbers of members seeking. Last week I struck up a conversation with a bartender, I steered the talk to bdsm, she told me that she was submissive, and described the kind of D/s activities she enjoyed. I gave her my Lair de Sade business card, she called me last night to make sure I come by today while she is on shift because she wants to talk to me about two of her friends who are also submissive and want to come by my club. These types of encounter happen to me regularly at vanilla venues.

lovingpet -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 2:19:12 PM)
As a point of clarification that may not be necessary, I do not put in place any measures that require a real effort or hoop jumping from the person I am meeting. The arrangements are upon me to put in place and to execute. The only exception was when I asked to see a driver's license once, but did not demand a copy or any other effort that could not be handled at that very moment. I took care of me and would have expected that a person with whom I am meeting has established what is needed for him/her to be at ease as well. I will not give out large quantities of information for any reason, whether because someone feels they have the right to demand or because the poor little thing is scared. Important things about me and about the other person will come out in the course of dialogue and further development of a relationship. I do not make my safety or the other person's an avenue of control and games. Either it is well advised we meet or not. From there, either we have a session or not. It seems simple. I will take care of me and the other person is to be responsible for his/her well being as well. As for being in an offline bdsm scene, I live too far away from the clubs and social functions to have any great benefit from attending. I would like to sneak a peek at some point, but it just is not practical as a primary means of interacting at this time and I am finding suitable people with whom to converse and, recently, to enter into sessions. As time goes by, I should hope to be able to develop a local community as much as the area will allow. Enjoying the posts! lovingpet

kiwisub12 -> RE: Meeting People Off The Internet (8/26/2008 2:49:22 PM)
The problem with meeting people that you don't know for sex and /or play, is that sooner or later, someone is going to want to tie, bind, shackle or otherwise restrict mobility of the other. To me that situation is a bit different from renting a room from someone. While in both situations you stand to lose something, in one of the situations you could lose blood and/ or limbs and/or your life, instead of clothes or shoes.

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