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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/4/2008 9:16:02 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
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I w*ould say care less about and listen less about what nay sayers and dissenters say, and make your own definition of what "a dom can be" and stick to it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: devotedOwner19

Hey out im a Nice guy but im still a Dom do you think it good to be nice and dom...why or why not ive been told sevral time recently it was bad for me to be nice

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/5/2008 9:38:22 AM

graceadieu

Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
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Don't worry! I know I wouldn't want to be with a Dom or Domme who wasn't a nice person. You don't have to be a jerk to take control over someone.

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/5/2008 9:45:35 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
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I prefer nice, myself. I know at least one Dominant who believes that they need to be mean and nasty to be considered dominant. Blech. If someone goes mean and nasty on me, I don't want to be around them.

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/5/2008 9:46:52 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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I am with Aileen on this and I do not like nice either. Get rid of nice. It is boring and non descriptive. It has no positive attributes and is blank, uninteresting and empty. You can be a jerk and still be nice.

Beings dominant is about being dominant, nothing more.

the.dark.

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/6/2008 8:18:07 PM

lobo27

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/23/2008
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to be honest for me it is Ok to be nice when it comes to your vanilla life
but once I am at home and spend time with a slave then that goes by the boards, she is mine to do what I please, Yet I do respect limits, keep those limits clear and know when to test them.

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/6/2008 10:10:44 PM

MstrssScarlet

Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HollywoodExecDom

Some of the nicest people I know are fellow Doms - and usually the nicer they are, the more capable their subs report them to be.

From what I've found, most "good" Doms, are exceedingly polite and well natured. Personally, I don't consider the antisocial behavior typified by "mean people" as particularly dominant by definition - as it generally is the product of inadequacies and a failure to command society and control surroundings.

But that aside, I too have heard the refrain "You seem too nice to be a Dom." I tend to revel in it, because one, I'm secure enough in myself to not want to change my attitude to reflect a typification of domination. I view it contradictory to submit to an external conception of what a Dom is supposed to be. Secondly, I like to defy people's expectations. I love surprising subs when they find out perhaps I'm more than I seem.

Plus, another advantage of being a nice Dom is that most subs don't want to be in a relationship with a douchebag. Especially the one's who are worth having a more meaningful relationship with. People are going to get their panties in a twirl for me saying this, but from my experience, the subs who look for the "mean Doms" (and I specifically mean the Doms who are outwardly mean, not merely sadistic in the bedroom), usually are immature, with deep seated psychological issues - and generally suffer from patterns of abuse.

I will say this much though, you should still be in control of yourself enough to show your bad boy side once in a while. But honestly, there is someone for everyone and no hard and fast set way to carry out a relationship - even someone nice through and through.

My husband and I are both dominants. We have the exact same outlook that you expressed so well here. Like you, I always love it when right before a session a submissive tells me that I seem too nice to be a domme. The look in their eyes later in the dungeon is priceless.
Mistress Scarlet

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/6/2008 11:21:06 PM

SocialPerversion

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From: Northern Nevada
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Personally I see nothing wrong with being nice to my sub, I am able to be nice and in control at the same time. Just because I am nice to my girl does not mean that I don't give her the dominance, structure and discipline that she desires. Just because I am nice to her does not mean I wont put my belt across her ass when she gets out of hand. My girl respects me because I am able to be nice and still not allow her to walk over, talk over or manipulate me.

There is a big difference between being nice and being a tool. If you have a woman or man who wants to submit to you, wants you to be in control but you are so nice that they can easily manipulate you then they will loose respect for you.

At the same time and on the flip side if your too much of an asshole they will loose respect for you. Communication is key in every relationship, even kinky ones :P

Being dominant does not mean you have to be a prick, asshole or bastard but at the same time you can be nice without being a tool.

~~conquer4love~~

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/6/2008 11:36:21 PM

candystripper

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Well devotedOwner, I think Doms should be genetlemen as they have the self confidence and self control to do so, and that you should always be yourself, no matter what anyone says. Personally I'm glad you're a nice person.

candystripper

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/6/2008 11:57:36 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

you can be nice and be in control of your life/self/sub/ - you can be nice and still be assertive/strong-willed/determined - you can be nice and still wield a flogger/cane/paddle - you can be nice and still be a very effective and much sought after D.

or you can be a horrible, cold, unfeeling, miserable mysoginist, detached from his subs feelings and his own.

which would you prefer.

I actually like a degree of cold, detached, unfeeling, ruthlessness in the people I play with. I mean, sure, I like them to be decent socially civilised people too, and if there was no degree of affection between us I wouldn't be staying long.

but nice? that (for me) is not a priority.

different strokes though ... nice works for many ... I would rather pick the second guy

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/7/2008 12:45:43 AM

willowspirit

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/20/2005
From: U.S.A.-Minnesota
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Part of what I use to determine if someone who contacts me is a "real" Dominant is if they're NOT bossy and domineering.
These Bozos who think they have to throw their weight around end up being like the bullies in the playground --- weak fakes.
To me, if someone can be nice, calm, polite and still be in control without having to resort to abusive tactics, that's the person with the solid Dominant personality!
Natural Dominance comes shining through. No need for hype.

[Editted for additional comment]

Unless you are talking about just being a scene Top....
No one has to have a Dominant personality to play with someone on the Top-ish side of a scene -- or to be directing kinky sex.

I know some deep end submissives who can land some pretty heavy floggings on a bottom!

< Message edited by willowspirit -- 8/7/2008 12:52:38 AM >

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/7/2008 1:15:09 AM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: devotedOwner19

Hey out im a Nice guy but im still a Dom do you think it good to be nice and dom...why or why not ive been told sevral time recently it was bad for me to be nice

Practice sneering in the mirror morning and night. Use a handheld one in front of a big mirror so you can catch yourself at all angles. Practice scorning, scoffing, mocking, deridiing, snickering and turning your nose up.

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/7/2008 1:28:53 AM

AllietheKitten

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I must tell you, I prefer to be the Evil Genius of our household. Unfortunately, my sub tends to create the Nefarious Devices that Will Rule the World and I spend most of my time reading pron online....oh well, when he takes over the world he'll let me be in charge. It's in our contract.

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/7/2008 3:17:52 AM

DavidS8ist

Posts: 97
Joined: 7/8/2004
From: NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: devotedOwner19

Hey out im a Nice guy but im still a Dom do you think it good to be nice and dom...why or why not ive been told sevral time recently it was bad for me to be nice

1. You gotta be the person you can face in the mirror and look straight in the eye when you shave. If that person is nice, so be it.
2. Stop worrying about being "a dom" and concentrate on what you need and want in a dynamic. Then strategize a way to achieve it and try to find a compatible partner(s).
3. Don't worry about what others think is good or bad for you in terms of your persona. The only validation you need seek is your own.
4. I'm not big on the "find a mentor" thing unless and until the person is someone you so admire because of the way he carries himself and the way he interacts with others you respect that you're compelled to seek his/her advice. Otherwise, just because he, too, is "a dom" (I always thought Dom was a guy on the corner of 183rd and Arthur Avenue in The Bronx who ran book, but hey, what do I know) doesn't mean s**t to a tree. He puts his pants on one leg at a time and is entirely capable of being the biggest asshole on the face of the earth.
5. Lastly, one size does *not* fit all. What works for me probably won't work for you. I like scaring the feces out of Gem (or anyone else) bottoming to me and cutting her until the blood runs down her back, but I'll still hold the door open for her when we enter a restaurant and I'll say "please" and "thank you" when asking for things. Does that make me nice or a sick bastard? Would that work for you and yours?
6. (I was only fooling about the "Lastly" thing in number 5!) Reread number 3. Then read it again.

D.
Age quod agis

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/7/2008 3:35:13 AM

Dnomyar

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Op pay no attention to Aileen. Im always nice to her. She also lied. It's on page 102 of the handbook. As for as being nice forget it. It will get you nowhere. Let me give you some manly Dom advice. Pay attention. You walk up to a woman grab a handful of her hair (unless she is bald) and pull her head back, look her in the eyes and say listen to me bitch. Trust me she will melt in your hands. Do not practice this with your mother. She will slap you silly.

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/7/2008 5:52:05 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
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From: Scranton, PA
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I think a nice guy dom needs a bit of Machiavelli too -- otherwise you'll be the one who ends up on your knees.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 8/7/2008 6:05:37 AM >

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/7/2008 2:41:06 PM

HollywoodExecDom

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Hey MstrssScarlet,

Glad to hear other kindred spirits out there who enjoy surprising subs with the mean side they never saw coming.

-R

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/7/2008 3:01:45 PM

subtee

Posts: 5133
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Wait just a minute there...if Doms can be nice, does that mean I can be, uh, mean?

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/7/2008 3:03:10 PM

Leatherist

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Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

Wait just a minute there...if Doms can be nice, does that mean I can be, uh, mean?

Of course. On the third tuesday of each alternate month-when the dom is gone fishing.

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/7/2008 3:03:34 PM

Deliena

Posts: 623
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From: Darlington, United Kingdom
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They're the very best kind! My Master is so sweet and kind to me before we started dating i didn't think He was man enough for me.

mmmmm it's so good to be wrong sometimes :)

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RE: Opinions on Dom - 8/7/2008 3:46:54 PM

subtee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

Wait just a minute there...if Doms can be nice, does that mean I can be, uh, mean?

Of course. On the third tuesday of each alternate month-when the dom is gone fishing.

Okay...which month is this, would this be the alternate? And if he's gone...who gets the wrathful brunt of our pent-up bimonthly meanness? It's sounding less fun somehow...

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