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The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 7:53:24 PM

MasterSteve57

Posts: 28
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline

Around six years ago I discovered my dominant nature. Since then I've enjoyed the company of a number of wonderful submissive women. Though I've enjoyed them all, I've never been able to locate "the one" - that one special submissive woman with who I can enjoy both a traditional vanilla romantic relationship in public and a red-hot dom/sub relationship behind closed doors.

This is what I call the DOM trap - once you've experienced the incredible arousal and pleasure that a dom/sub relationship can generate - you immediately begin to search for that rare woman who can fascinate you in both worlds.

But it's a trap because your odds aren't good - sometimes I feel like I do when I buy a lottery ticket. At first I'm full of hope but deep down inside I know in the real world my chances are, for all practical purposes, zero.

I've been searching for a LTR for several years now and am no closer to my goal than I was when I began. It's a very frustrating position to be in. That's why I call it a trap.

Post #: 1

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 8:01:44 PM

WhisperSupremacy

Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline

Heh,....any relationship is a trap in my opinion.

(in reply to MasterSteve57)

Post #: 2

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 8:04:28 PM

InsaenPleasures

Posts: 49
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

Could it be that you are trying to hard? Looking for that perfect storm of a woman that can be both wife (or partner whatever you prefer) and sub is, as you well know, very difficult. My question is: do you abondon the relationships when you perceive that they are going nowhere or is it a mutually agreed split? Which aspect has a higher priority for you, the partner or the sub?

I am by no means an expert on relationships but if you try something for years and it seems to go nowhere, then it is time to alter that approach.

(in reply to MasterSteve57)

Post #: 3

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 8:18:12 PM

Crocuta

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline

I wouldn't say that this is exclusive to Dominants. This is a challenge of having an orientation that requires a specific type of partner to fulfill. The pool of potential diminishes the more limitations you put on it.
On one hand it is a blessing: you know what you want, and can express it. But it can be a curse or a trap when you want to be sure that anyone you invest time in has those traits and have trouble finding it/them. Not an easily resolved issue, as I (and many people) know from personal experience.

_____________________________

Breathe now.

(in reply to MasterSteve57)

Post #: 4

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 8:19:49 PM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

So.... basically you are complaining about the fact that the perfect 10 just didn't leap into your arms because you magically discovered you might have a dominant side.

Congratulations.

_____________________________

HBIC

(in reply to Crocuta)

Post #: 5

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 8:40:53 PM

ChainedExistence

Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline

Sitting around waiting for the perfect person to fall out of the sky is a search in vain. There are so many wonderful submissives who would give their right arm to be in a loving relationship, meanwhile many Doms are looking for the 19 year old beauty queen with the 22 inch waist,(I see you're not, but you get the idea), the IQ of Einstein, and the sexuality of the highest paid porno star, (and she's a D/s virgin). There's certainly nothing wrong with having standards, but how many amazing women have you passed by because they didn't fit some set of particulars you may have? The pool is small enough already when you want a kinky woman, but taking out the subs that are too old, too young, too far away, too educated, not educated enough, too fat, too thin, already in a relationship, never been in a D/s relationship and so on.....and your search becomes more difficult. The more particulars you demand, the smaller that pool becomes. Be willing to be open to a woman you might not have considered before- you widen your pool of candidates, and you might just be pleasantly surprised.
Edited to add...took me 7 years to find the "perfect" relationship, and it was far from perfect when it began. You have to work for perfect.

< Message edited by ChainedExistence -- 7/20/2008 8:43:02 PM >

(in reply to InsaenPleasures)

Post #: 6

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 8:41:57 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I think the problem is that you're looking for someone who is really two completely different people and content with switching between exactly as you are.

Not impossible, but I'm not surprised it's taken you at least this many years.

Try seeing beyond your madonna/whore complex, that's so junior high.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Lynnxz)

Post #: 7

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 8:44:23 PM

bamabbwsub

Posts: 566
Joined: 5/28/2007
Status: offline

Lynnx, I didn't take the OP's post to mean that at all, so I respectfully disagree with your post.

I do think that it's difficult enough to find someone to love to meet all of the criteria that we each set for ourselves. Me, I prefer tall, dark-haired men with goatees. But in order to have a real, lasting relationship with him, all of the other criteria has to be met as well -- including the love of fat girls AND animals. Talk about hard to find!! Aaaargh!

In this day and age, there are so many people who are just a mouse-click away, and it seems that sometimes we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to find "the one." If I were a statistician and had to actually state the odds of finding "the one" amongst the millions of people who populate the Net, I'd probably just give up. Luckily for me, though, I'm an English major and not a statistician! Ha!

OP, I do hope you realize that 1) you aren't the only one who has been looking for "the one," nor will you be the last, and 2) your experiences and results -- or lack thereof -- aren't exclusive in any way to Doms. Perhaps your post should have been titled, "The Single Trap" instead.

I hope you're an optimist and will keep looking. You never know what could happen, or when! Best of luck...

_____________________________

"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

(in reply to Lynnxz)

Post #: 8

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 8:46:41 PM

Hippiekinkster

Posts: 5512
Joined: 11/20/2007
From: Liechtenstein
Status: offline

Well, Stevie, my advice to you is invest in some chaps, a sling, one drum each of Crisco and Amyl Nitrite, and become a gay fist slave.

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"We are convinced that freedom w/o Socialism is privilege and injustice, and that Socialism w/o freedom is slavery and brutality." Bakunin

“Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore we are saved by love.” Reinhold Ne

(in reply to ChainedExistence)

Post #: 9

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 8:49:11 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Finding great partners isn't easy for anyone, it is a matter of luck as much as anything. I read your profile and you seem like a decent and interesting guy so not sure if there is a problem. I might suggest asking some friends for a brutal appraisal of where they think you might be going wrong. I would look at patterns in how you meet women and who you meet. Why do these women fall short? All brains and no beauty? All beauty and no brains?

How picky ARE you being? How widely are you casting your net? What sort of profile do you keep locally in the scene there? It isn't easy for single doms like us if you don't play randomly to get a "reputation" because, well, we don't play randomly with people so people rarely see us play, it is a bit of a catch 22.

(in reply to Lynnxz)

Post #: 10

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 8:55:55 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Finding what's priceless is worth the wait.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 11

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 8:58:14 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

The biggest "trap" is cubbyholing yourself with roles and titles-and then cutting people off because they fail to match some odd idea you dreamed up that just HAS to fit into all of that.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to MasterSteve57)

Post #: 12

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 9:07:09 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Finding anyone is hard, nilla or bdsm. If it were easy we would all be matched up and content with what we have.
I have sort of, kind of, kept my eyes open but honestly I cant see it happening again for me. I am blessed for what and who has been in my life so far and could drop off the world tomorrow and still be smiling at that fortune.
I think you are limiting yourself by wanting to find that ONE. There is more than one out there.
And if you have your eyes focused on what you think is your ideal, you are missing out on the hundreds who may be darned close enough.
Kyst

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 13

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 9:16:26 PM

DomDolf

Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline

I immediately have to ask whether you are a bedroom Dominant? That is fine if you are. I find it interesting that many people believe that their Ds relationship has to be put on hold when they leave the house. You have to be smart about how you display that outside, but it does not have to pause or stop. You may have to change the interaction from the yes Sirs to a more publicly appropriate direct look and a very clearly spoken yes, but that is not pausing or stopping. If you care to pause or stop for any length of time then you are not looking for 24/7 and just need to express that if you aren't. The key for you or anyone in life is that you MUST be self-aware, know what you want, what you need and what you feel is bottom-line acceptable. It is also a mistake for someone to take a list of limits and feel that they will stay as limits. You may be able to work with someone with SOME of those limits. I throw this in there only because I am not sure what it is that has prevented you from moving forward with one of the submissives that you have enjoyed.

Dolf

< Message edited by DomDolf -- 7/20/2008 9:29:47 PM >

(in reply to MasterSteve57)

Post #: 14

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 11:20:30 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

ans will she make ya cry make ya lay down shatter your elisions of love

fleetwood mac

remeber listen to those who have been it is always in the music

(in reply to DomDolf)

Post #: 15

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/20/2008 11:29:51 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5175
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

that one special submissive woman with who I can enjoy both a traditional vanilla romantic relationship in public and a red-hot dom/sub relationship behind closed doors.

Are you expecting that red-hot dom/sub relationship to always be red-hot? Are you expecting that work, health, relatives, etc. will never have an effect on what happens behind closed doors? When a relationship is new it has a special and very intense energy. However, that energy is not sustainable. A 5 year old relationship can not and will not have the red-hot intensity it had when it was 2 months old. If you are expecting to sustain that new relationship energy over years, you are expecting something that I would think impossible.

(in reply to MasterSteve57)

Post #: 16

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/21/2008 2:38:23 AM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Try seeing beyond your madonna/whore complex, that's so junior high.

You have it backwards. A man suffering from a madonna/whore complex doesn't want to or is afraid to find his perfect wife sexually attractive. The whole "mother of my children" schtick. This guy sounds perfectly comfortable to find a June Cleaver with a dark side... there just aren't that many out there and lots of competition for them.

To the OP: Patience is a virtue. You have two choices. Stick to your guns and keep looking or 'broaden' your criteria a bit. As someone who was successful with the former I can say from experience it was worth the wait.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 17

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/21/2008 3:00:47 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Stop looking and start living.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to MasterSteve57)

Post #: 18

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/21/2008 3:10:32 AM

MBear

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline

it's hard on every level. even when you find the right one life has a way of taking over. then you just go with the flow. there will be ups and downs and bdsm might dissapper then come back or slow down. who knows what life will bring you either go with it or get burn't out fighting it . some times it's fun and then crazy and sad or just melow.

(in reply to Evility)

Post #: 19

RE: The DOM Trap - 7/21/2008 3:38:59 AM

OldBastardly1

Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline

Perhaps you are using the wrong bait, or are fishing in the wrong pond, or even presenting the bait wrong. You will never catch a beautiful sailfish in a river or rainwater retention pond. You probably won't catch a colorful panfish if you are using a huge hook that you would catch a trophy bass on.
The fishing analogies could go on and on.
To summarize, like someone else said....get to living your life and loving yourself. One day you will awaken to find that your "perfect" companion is right beside you.

Good luck.

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad

(in reply to MasterSteve57)

Post #: 20

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