Aswad
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Joined: 4/4/2007
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ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth
So, it's occured to me why I often have such trouble in most social situations, yet come across as incredibly competent, intelligent and compassionate in others.
Bit of advice with best of intentions: don't settle for a one-factor explanation here...
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I see most social situations as an inherent violation of consent, in both directions. I'm constantly bombarded by strange little manipulations and social dominance games that are clearly designed to give one person the upper hand over others, or designed to establish dominance or humiliate a target, and never once do I see these interactions negotiated or even honestly copped to.
That would be an accurate summary of neurotypical social interaction.
Get a day off. Go to the zoo. Make sure it's a day when there are few people there, so as to get less interference with the observation. Then spend the day watching monkeys interacting. If you realize that words can be symbolic hugs, punches, or even feces to be flung, you may find an entirely new perspective waiting for you. One that greatly simplifies and enhances social interaction, so long as you bear in mind that most people don't want to know what you learned during your day at the zoo.
A certain pro-cure autistic termed this the response-predictor model of communication.
He had a simplistic take on it, and I'm not too fond of the pro-cure camp, but the basic idea is sound.
Consider that we are born much like the little chicklets that will squeak for food and try to kick the others out of the nest. Squeaking (or, rather, crying and screaming) tends to give poor results in the long term, and we're wired to pick up language. So, while we're still at a stage where self-interest governs all and empathic awareness of others is fully absent, we acquire language and the habit of wielding it as a tool to get a response. It's basic biology, but frequently denied for the can of worms inherent in the realization.
Later, empathic awareness grows, social contact is desired, and so forth.
But the habit is already there. Manipulation is already our native language. A few, rare individuals don't pick that up. Most of them acquire it later in life or get pretty wierd'ish over time, perhaps even neurotic. It is not optional in social interaction, and if you bear in mind that what people say their values are and what values they will act on, you will quickly arrive at the conclusion that jungle law mandates that you manipulate people as they want. There are some cultural norms as to where the line is drawn between a good connotation ("communication") and a bad connotation ("manipulation"), mostly based on intent, skill and outcome.
Also, bear in mind that consent is a facilitator, little more; society is not based on consent.
Humans are animals of the species Homo Sapiens, no more, no less.
To expect differently is to be disappointed.
To acknowledge is to appreciate.
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Why do we have to be so careful with consent, when the rest of the world doesn't?
We do? 
First off, it's an established subcultural convention that you pretty much have to adhere to in most crowds if you want to avoid alienation and rejection. Second, some of us include it in our personal ethical standards. Third, our practices step outside the bounds of what is moral in our societies, and using consent (in itself an arguably important moral enabler that mainstream society will get around to at some point, one hopes) allows these practices to be pursued without the resulting cognitive dissonance.
Really, consent is a pretty vague term, and more a matter of covering your ass than anything else.
At worst, it can become a substitute for intentions and awareness. At best, it formalizes relations between two people that aren't very familiar with each other, allowing them to jump into a level of interaction that they otherwise would spend more time getting to. If a woman has climbed into your bed and is dangling her underwear in front of your nose with a coy smile, it's a reasonable assumption that (a) fucking her brains out is going to be appropriate at some point in the near future, and (b) asking for her consent to do so is infinitely more likely to turn her off like a lightswitch than simply grabbing her ass and sweeping her off into a scene out of some Black Lace novel.
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Why can't we all just look each other in the eye, and deal with each other as sovereign individuals - and only play the dominance games when both parties acknowledge it?
Because it is not in our natures to do so, however many coats of paint we cover ourselves in.
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I can understand that sometimes those games have to be played even when one party or the other refuses to consent, but can't we at the very least admit that that's what we're doing?
Facing uncomfortable truths that run contrary to our professed values will cause dissonance. This is why embracing human nature requires rejecting cultural norms. Anecdotally, it seems to be widely recognized in the Gorean lifestyles that the process of becoming is less a matter of embracing something new than it is a matter of rejecting the moth-eaten windowdressing that covers it, i.e. unbuilding.
As a fellow transhumanist, surely the importance of discarding assumption is not lost on you.
Health,
al-Aswad.
_____________________________
"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.
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Seeing normal social interaction as BDSM sans consent - 
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