RE: Knowing What Y/you Want

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

wanderingstray -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 8:04:40 AM)
When I can say exactly what I want, it gives others a chance at helping me get it. In that way it can help to know. But most of what I want is abstract, and I also want adventures and surprises. I want pleasure, enjoyment, fun, happiness, intimacy, excitement...it's as vague as a political campaign speech. When I do want something specific I say it. Otherwise I say vaguely about what I might like, sort of. I want a situation with specific elements and also with unknowns. It's like wanting to see a funny movie, but hoping all the jokes are new. I want to meet someone, talk about what all we might like, and in the process it will become clear how we would match up, and whether we wanted to pursue it or keep looking. What I want with someone depends in large part on how we respond to each other. I can go either way in most things. What makes it good is if we happen to make a good pair; do we fall into step and do we resonate? I want someone whose voice and mine sound good together, whatever song we choose. I want a warm body next to mine in bed all night. Whose exactly I couldn't say. I want to wonder what they will say next, but about which topic I can't tell you yet. I want the person for their unique self, and not just anyone at all for a specific act or role. I want the abstract desire for companionship to lead into a concrete relationship. Let's try being together, see how it goes for us, make what we can of it. Then as it turns out I'll know exactly if it's what I want, by how I like it and how it feels looking ahead. I have tried being with people who had an idea of what they wanted. I would rather be with someone who had an idea of what they wanted to try. I'd rather be trying to do something than trying to have something. I'd rather go see what is over the next hill than own the countryside and know its every familiar square inch was in place unchanging.

cantilena -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 8:28:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility To a point I agree with you. I'm also an advocate of knowing what you want but I don't necessarily see how that makes it any more likely to find what you want. You can actually get too specific and box yourself in. I really REALLY agree with this, and at my age I'm starting to see it more. I don't think this has anything to do with D/s, frankly. Several friends in various notches along the kink-o-meter, long married to their respective spouses, are now divorcing. One friend alludes it to a big buffet - she figures she ate everything as expected the first time around (ie marriage, um, suburbs etc). She says for the next time, she's only gonna pick what she wants. The trouble is she has defined the list of wants to a set of ideals that I doubt exist in any man in the entire city, let alone in an unmarried straight one. If she were to throw a D/s or BDSM checklist on top of it all, she might just as well join a convent. I've suggested to my friends to just get out there and date already. Give more people a chance and see where relationships will lead. Maybe the guy won't make a gazillion bucks, but who cares if he makes your knees weak and loves your family like your own? Maybe he isn't a tall, dark George Clooney lookalike, but then again.. maybe he makes those gazillion bucks. (lol...) And yet I do see their side... Nobody can blame them for fear. They've already kissed some really grody frogs.

Missokyst -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 8:50:56 AM)
I have always been pretty self aware. It always amazes me when people reach my age not knowing what they want. I am messed up, twisted, perverted, and I am ok with that. I am open to trying new things, get excited by learning, and I know which things I will never do. I have gotten what I want and what I needed on and off most of my life. And that includes being without a man in my life and still being content. Sometimes I wonder if people look around and see other people happy, and that makes them feel as if they are missing out. They have an idea of who they are and what morality is comfortable for them but someone comes along and tells them they are wrong, so they believe it. For me, that is an undefined person. People like that are not happy in my view, they are only mirrors of someone elses design. What happens when they disappear? I am very glad I found out what a messed up, twisted, perverted, damaged person I am, from a young age. It gave me time to get comfy in my skin and to know that no matter what, I am ok. But, knowing what you want doesn't seem to have any better results in getting it than being clueless. It seems like a crap shoot to me. Kyst

KatyLied -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 8:57:11 AM)
quote: Sometimes I wonder if people look around and see other people happy, and that makes them feel as if they are missing out. I used to think that way. But I've come to realize that most people have some sort of discomfort and/or cross to bear in any relationship, so I no longer feel that envious. Especially when I have friends, living with significant others, telling me that they envy me my freedom.

Griffith -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 9:23:50 AM)
I agree with the OP. Realizing and being open with what I want has allowed me to take my first steps toward finding said desire. In this case, Im talking about my kink, but I agree that knowing what you want is completely contextual. I have also realized lately that wants and needs are dynamic, and always in a state of flux, so I have to always be able to step back and know what it is I want, in order to find it.

MzMia -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 1:12:05 PM)
Another cute thread from the pink one. The older I get the more I realize there is so much more to life and relationships than just knowing what you want. Knowing what you want and need, means being able to say "NO" to many things, people, and situations. I see many lives and generations ruined, because someone was not capable of saying "No" to a destructive person or walk away. It takes a strong person, to be willing to say NO, and remain single and stick to your guns. For many of us, it might mean being single the rest of your life. Many people are not in relationships because they found the right "one"...they are in relationships because they found "someone" and are trying like hell to make the shit work. square peg, round hole situations You would be surprised the number of people that spend their entire lives "settling" for someone and in serial relationships that never last or work out...because they are too damned scared or frightened to be alone. I thank GOD I am not one of them. Peace

persephonee -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 2:00:28 PM)
i have lived alone for 5 years now. i love having my remote and my tv and my bathroom basically to myself. i honestly dont know how a Dom could come in and run a tighter ship than it is now. i cant wait to find out. ive never been afraid to be "alone". id prefer it to being miserable or drama-nated. i could be "alone" for the rest of my life.....or not. im open to what life will slide to me next. Meanwhile, its time to talk to my friends and feed that ankle-biter...he keeps insisting on eating 3 meals a day plus snacks. So i may live alone but i am just never lonely.

MzMia -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 2:03:23 PM)
persephonee? give him a peanut butter sandwich! I believe all ankle biters need to learn how to cook around age 12, and well! They can read cookbooks as well as you can, one day you can let the anklebiter cook for you!

Evility -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 2:34:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub If You think this is a box without any escape hatch, then so be it. That chip on your shoulder is the biggest obstacle you are ever going to have to deal with when it comes to finding a dom. It's not all about you.

Evility -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 2:46:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cantilena One friend alludes it to as a big buffet - she figures she ate everything as expected the first time around (ie marriage, um, suburbs etc). She says for the next time, she's only gonna pick what she wants. The trouble is she has defined the list of wants to a set of ideals that I doubt exist in any man in the entire city, let alone in an unmarried straight one. If she were to throw a D/s or BDSM checklist on top of it all, she might just as well join a convent. There are also those who tend to price themselves out of the market, so to speak.

MidMichCowboy -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 4:12:21 PM)
Knowing what you want is fine and dandy, but I guess I come at things a little different. I am often challenged by those who say I need to make more time for myself and I shouldn't be so limiting on those I will get involved with. So I will try to explain. I feel that a person has more responsibilities that just his or her happiness. In fact, that my be down the list quite a ways. Living involves obligations and responsibilities. First .. my ummmsss: I brought them into the world and will forever be responsible. I hope to have more "me" time as they grow older, but they are my responsibility and joy, my gift from God. Second .. the significant other I'm looking for: Yes, I want a woman who is submissive, but love still involves responsibility to a person. This isn't a burden, it should be a joy. Third .. the rest of my family: We are social creatures. We are born into and involved with our family all of our life. It's not always convenient, fun or fair, but it's what makes us humans and a somewhat higher form of life. Society ... yep, I'm a Jeffersonian. By living in this society and getting benefits from it (yes, even if you don't acknowledge them) inspires a duty in us to contribute and improve. That is just a bit of what I believe a responsible person should do in life. Life to me is a commitment. I think this makes me a better person. Others, my think I'm too hung up on responsibilities and should let loose. What I want in an individual kink is relevant, but not the most important thing in life. If this makes me too serious for some people, that's ok. Life is more than just pleasure and games. But I do hope to find someone to make the walk through life enjoyable.

daddysliloneds -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 8:56:34 PM)
i think you're right, though, i gave up the looking for what i want for a long-term relationship, and focused on at least keeping my other needs in check and having fun as well as growing and exploring... the second i did that, or should i say, the second year of going that route, i got lucky enough to find exactly what i want/need for a long term relationship from someone i had actually met for a casual play partner/relationship.

Leatherist -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 9:04:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quote: ORIGINAL: cantilena One friend alludes it to as a big buffet - she figures she ate everything as expected the first time around (ie marriage, um, suburbs etc). She says for the next time, she's only gonna pick what she wants. The trouble is she has defined the list of wants to a set of ideals that I doubt exist in any man in the entire city, let alone in an unmarried straight one. If she were to throw a D/s or BDSM checklist on top of it all, she might just as well join a convent. There are also those who tend to price themselves out of the market, so to speak. I always chuckle when I read the sub profiles, the ones where they demand superman or nothing. Becuase they are "not a doormat", and thier gift is priceless. Then whine about getting nothing. [:D]

AquaticSub -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 9:06:25 PM)
Sounds like what I did when I was pretty much vanilla. I was always open to the idea that any given relationship could work out long term so I dated guys who, at some point, wanted marriage and kids. Didn't make much sense to me to do otherwise.

summersprite -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 9:24:08 PM)
All I know is this..... several glasses of wine = sub frenzy (earlier post)....., yes, I succumbed to the dreaded sub frenzy... [sm=pushed.gif] Now that I don't have any wine in my system and can't delete or edit the earlier post, I thought I might put a reasonably sane reply to this thread... The interesting thing I've found with BDSM (so far) is that open communication is actually encouraged and practised..... If you can define what you want and then communicate it clearly and honestly to others, then of course it follows your chances are higher of a good connection.... but only if that other person is practising the same open, clear, honest communication that you are.... Actually, I think I'm more profound when I've been drinking[sm=runaway.gif]

pinksugarsub -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 11:49:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst I have always been pretty self aware. It always amazes me when people reach my age not knowing what they want. I am messed up, twisted, perverted, and I am ok with that. I am open to trying new things, get excited by learning, and I know which things I will never do. I have gotten what I want and what I needed on and off most of my life. And that includes being without a man in my life and still being content. Sometimes I wonder if people look around and see other people happy, and that makes them feel as if they are missing out. They have an idea of who they are and what morality is comfortable for them but someone comes along and tells them they are wrong, so they believe it. For me, that is an undefined person. People like that are not happy in my view, they are only mirrors of someone elses design. What happens when they disappear? I am very glad I found out what a messed up, twisted, perverted, damaged person I am, from a young age. It gave me time to get comfy in my skin and to know that no matter what, I am ok. But, knowing what you want doesn't seem to have any better results in getting it than being clueless. It seems like a crap shoot to me. Kyst Missokyst, kudos to You for having had such a happy life so far. Not E/everyone shares Your life experience. i was happy in college and after my divorce, and then even happier when i discovered D/s 3 years ago. But i have spent a lot of time in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, too. W/we are who W/we are as a result of W/who and what W/we have been, are, and will grow into. i wonder why You are so crtical of P/pl who experience growth, whether T/they are 20 or 80. Being 'clueless' IMO pretty much guarantees Y/you will not find what makes Y/you happy. pinksugarsub

pinksugarsub -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 11:58:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MzMia persephonee? give him a peanut butter sandwich! I believe all ankle biters need to learn how to cook around age 12, and well! They can read cookbooks as well as you can, one day you can let the anklebiter cook for you! Laffs. My UM has cookbooks and pot and pans; she is a true 'foodie'. S'times i wonder if they switched babies on me in the hospital, LOL. pinksugarsub

pinksugarsub -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/12/2008 12:07:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quote: ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub If You think this is a box without any escape hatch, then so be it. That chip on your shoulder is the biggest obstacle you are ever going to have to deal with when it comes to finding a dom. It's not all about you. Evility, if You really believe that a submissive should be willing to 'submit' to any 'Dom' who wants her, good luck to You in finding a satisfying D/s relationship. Simply because a submissive refuses some Doms who approach her does not mean she has a 'chip on her shoulder'. It means she has a brain and a personality and wants/needs of her own. You seem to imply that only the 'doormat submissive' is likely to be collared. i can assure You, none of my collared girlfriends would qualify as 'doormats' by any stretch of the imagination. Having standards and self-awareness is not 'pricing yourself out of the market'. It is refusing to settle for less than what you want and need. pinksugarsub

pinksugarsub -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/12/2008 12:25:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Leatherist quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quote: ORIGINAL: cantilena One friend alludes it to as a big buffet - she figures she ate everything as expected the first time around (ie marriage, um, suburbs etc). She says for the next time, she's only gonna pick what she wants. The trouble is she has defined the list of wants to a set of ideals that I doubt exist in any man in the entire city, let alone in an unmarried straight one. If she were to throw a D/s or BDSM checklist on top of it all, she might just as well join a convent. There are also those who tend to price themselves out of the market, so to speak. I always chuckle when I read the sub profiles, the ones where they demand superman or nothing. Becuase they are "not a doormat", and thier gift is priceless. Then whine about getting nothing. [:D] Leatherist, i dun perv submissives' profiles much so i take You at Yr word -- there are damned silly Dom profiles, so why wouldn't there be silly submissive profiles? The whole 'gift of submission' thing is meaningless to me. If it floats Y/yr boat to use the phrase, by all means do so. It does nothing for me personally. My profile does not say i seek a 'superman'. It says i seek a Dom i can trust, respect and love who shares my hope for a long term relationship. Since that is what i seek, i think it is effective communication. (Of course, that all depends on whether a Dom bothers to read it.) pinksugarsub

pixidustpet -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/12/2008 9:03:06 AM)
on the "gift of submission".... if you've learned to value yourself, you dont give yourself easily. that goes for both sides of the D/s equation. casual play is one thing, a relationship is another thing entirely. if i value a person enough, want them in my life enough, to wish to form a relationship with them, yeah, that's a gift. not only of me to them, but of them to me. the initial gift is there. the rest of it, you gotta work at. communicate, reason, negotiate, give-and-take, listen, talk, shut the hell up sometimes. even listen to ramblings about gearboxes and ratios if that makes the other person happy, and be glad you can visualize things in 3-D cause it makes these conversations easier. kitten, who's glad she can do this when TheEngineer talks about work. [:D]

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.078125