Knowing What Y/you Want (Full Version)

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pinksugarsub -> Knowing What Y/you Want (6/10/2008 10:02:50 PM)

'Knowing what Y/you want is the first step towards getting it'.
 
i am still learning about new fetishes and kinks all the time.  By now i think there are so many, i'll probably always be learning.
 
For me, 'knowing what i want' has little to do with knowing which kinds of play might float my boat.  Instead, it means i know i want a certain type of D/s relationship -- a long term relationship which grows out of love.
 
i'm not interested in anything else.  Lately, i've realised that if i'm direct about this with Doms, i'm going to waste less of my time and increase my chances of finding what i want.
 
This isn't about whether a ltr is 'superior' to a play partner, etc.  What it's about is the notion that if Y/you can define what Y/you want, Y/you are much more likely to get it.
 
Any thoughts?
 
pinksugarsub 



bashfulhuck -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/10/2008 10:27:41 PM)

Amen to that sugar. While I wouldn't be opposed to having someone to just play with, ultimately I want the very same things you are looking for dear. Directing my energy in life towards finding what I ultimately want will help me find it, or at least that's my hope.

Many Blessings and peace to you,
the bashful one



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/10/2008 10:37:42 PM)

 For me it's more about prioritization.  Of course the more clear you on about "No way" and "Absolutely necessary" the better- but most people have a heck of a lot of leeway in both directions.  I know most people hate it, but there's a reason the concept of dating people and taking time to get to know them and grow close remains a popular option.



EvilGeoff -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 12:05:49 AM)

Knowing what I want is very situational in my life.  What I want out of career, or relationships or from a class or play party... It's all based on the situation, the people I am involved with, etc.

Right now, being single again, I am enjoying the freedom to explore opportunities to play with a lot of  different people in a lot of different ways.  I am NOT looking for an LTR but I know I will eventually want to have a slave at my side again.  I may or may not have a romantic relationship with that slave.  I may find a poly situation that has romantic/erotic needs met through one relationship while having my Dominant/sadistic needs met through another.  *shrugs*  We'll see.

In the meantime... I think I'll start stalking LA again.  I haven't followed her around in MONTHS.  I've missed ya hon!  {{{{HUG}}}}  ;)



Msagain -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 1:01:13 AM)

Knowing what you want and then finding out what they want is very important. It saves a lot of agro later own so I agree the dating process is as important in our lifestyle too.



Owner4SexSlave -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 1:40:47 AM)

I realize what I'm about to write is a bit of a contradiction to "knowing what you want".

When I first started engaging in BDSM activities and play, I actually had no idea in hell to the full range of different activities there was to do.  It was more of a comfortable nice progression.   This was without all the pressure of D/s involved.  I can tell you it was a wonderful start.   My first partner in crime and I simply explored things as we thought about new things to try.  Her and I both kicking things up a notch.   Trust me, when her and I got started experimenting with things.   Breath play, acting out Rape scenes (without going all the way) was the last thing either one of us was thinking.

Anyways, over the years.  I did other kinky things with girls who had similar desires.  Again, more exploration.  Just a general idea of what we both wanted.  Communication was key to all this exploration.  Trust me, If I had acted like an all around asshole, I would have not done 1/10th of the things I ended up doing with Girls along the way. 

Then I discovered "the lifestyle" through one of my female friends.  She opened up and expanded my whole world.  I had no idea in having wanted this as "a lifestyle".    Then a lot of things started to make sense to me.  I found awhole sub culture in society I could relate to and fit in with. 

So I started to date a few submissive girls.  Again, expanding things and experiencing more.   My mind was getting more framed into D/s.   The last thing on my mind was wanting a relationship with a Domme.  Trust me..

Then it happened, one night at a party I was throwing at my house.  I was single and a little kink and sexually frustrated I made a remark out loud about needing somebody for rough kinky sex.   So my friend calls up this girl to have come on over to, he wanted to hook us up with one another.  (it was a bit of a practical joke on his part because she was clearly a pain inflicting rough playing Domme).   Basically, yeah... I said I wanted somebody to have rough kinky sex with.  Wa La.. she pops on over.  Things click!  People leave to go home.  The hours pass, sexual friction is building, instense strangeness.  The likes that I had never experienced before.  The intense flirting, smart ass remarks, both of us both playing a sexual power game with one another.  Finally one thing lead to another.. and we were having Rough Crazy Sex.   This was the start to a somewhat long term relationship.  She ended up moving in with me. 

I had no idea that I wanted to be in a relationship with Domme, nor that I would be willing and open to having her move in with me.

I could go on with more story telling examples here.  But I think this gives you an idea.   Actually some of the best BDSM relationships were just a matter of things falling together without really knowing what the Hell I wanted.  You know past just wanting rough kinky sex.

I was reminded by a recent post that MercandBeth made,  it's about having a connection!  Sure there are some kinky things I want to try out.   I have a set of fantasies I'd like to turn into reality.  I've been more expressive in sharing these things with prospective partners.   OK, I have a few wants right now.   The rest of it is centered around finding somebody to make a connection with.  Does not have to be all about Love either.  Just a friggen connection.  That same magically element I have had before. 

Just because I'm a male Dom does not mean that I'm closed minded.  Sure, I'd jump at another M/s relationship, Hell I'd jump at another Dom couple relationship.   Hell, I might even jump for a relationship with a Switch Girl.   Hell, I might even be willing to go poly.   I have a maso streak.  I'm sadomaso.  I enjoy getting a good pain fix now and then.  Sort of makes things a little more interesting.   Just because I maso, does not mean I'm submissive.  It would shock me if I ever encountered somebody I myself wanted to sumit to.   Trust me, it would be one big head butting match for anybody to expect or was looking for me to submit.  Something about my personality, my kinks and all.   I don't sit around thinking about how I want to be abused and used... having somebody give it to me up my ass with a strap on, telling me I've been a bad bad boy.  I can't even begin to wrap my mind around those thoughts.  It's an instant turn off, and nightmare in my mind.  Somebody having the level of control and using me like that.   Pass!  

I do have a list of things I don't want, things I don't want to deal with.  I have a general idea of things I want, or I'm game for.

I think you can get so carried away in trying to figure out what one wants that they forget about simply exploring things, and letting things take a more natural course.   I did not one day wake up and say to myself, I think I want to be in the lifestyle and these are the things I want to do, and I want to have a M/s relationship, and I want a girl that's 5'8" with blonde hair and blue eyes.  



mystifiedsoul -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 2:03:58 AM)

as i am learning and growing myself, i too agree that by deciding there is a certain type of Dom/Master you seek will likely lead you to a better crowd. honesty is always best when first meeting someone so that when the times comes, there aren't any surprises in what you seek.
 
i've never had an r/l relationship. i tend to get really picky about whom i speak with and what i say to them. if i feel they are prying or asking the wrong type of questions, i don't answer them.
 
i too seek love, companionship, someone to build a life with as well as share this life with them also. i want to find the one that will cherish this gift i have to give them, nurture it, and also guide me through this...hard thing to be looking for, lol. but i have faith someone is out there and will be what i need.
 
best wishes on your search, it was nice to meet you.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 2:20:04 AM)

*chuckle* I wrote a whole book about defining what you want...and what you have to offer. So, yeah, I get it. I feel the processes something that we all need to go through in order to have a better chance at a healthy, fulfilling, relationship.

Master Fire



pinksugarsub -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 2:54:37 AM)

Nice 'meeting' you too, mystifiedsoul. Thank you for wishing me well; it was a nice touch to your post.
 
Maybe the reason i'm a little different from You, Owner4SexSlave, is because i have had a different life.
 
College was a blast -- i was 'engaged' so often i can't remember all of the 'relationships'.  Sex was so much fun, there was no fear of pregnancy or stds, etc. 
 
i haven't perv'd Yr profile, so i dun know if we're the same age...but things changed for me when i graduated college in the early '70's.  Suddenly all my girlfriends weren't just engaged -- they were actually getting married. 
 
Stupidly, like all young people can be, i followed the crowd and got married myself.  <Insert 15 years of pure hell here.>
 
Then, i found myself single, begnning a career and raising and supporting a UM on my own.  Romance wasn't a priority for me and i was a bit careless about who i dated.  Basically one meaningless and unsatisfying relationship after another, none of which i ever made any investment in.
 
Now i'm living alone.  The UM is grown and gone, prospering in another city.  My career is on hold -- maybe over.  And -- the topper -- i discovered D/s about 3 years ago.
 
Now, i'm not willing to even consider another meaningless relationship.  Because of my personality and experience, i have strong views on what sort of Dom would be able to offer me what i want -- and don't want. 
 
What happened to me when i found D/s was this: i realised there were other women like me, and Men who wanted them.  i had no idea this was possible.  i had always thought i was just a f**ked up person, because i secretely desired a Man who would lead me, love me , protect me and care if i was satisified, in or out of bed.
 
Maybe because of what i've already said, or maybe because of how i'm wired, i don't have any interest or willingness to explore sadism, poly, married Men, switchs, male subs, bisexuality, etc.  i don't feel i have to actually be hit on the head to conclude it will hurt.  Some aspects of D/s are just not for me. i know this like i know my own name.
 
i have a jealous streak -- i envy P/pl who found D/s whenT/they were young.  i know, if i had found it, i would never have married my ex...and i probably would have had some great relationships after i started my career. Part of me feels cheated by life.
 
But all i have is today.  Looking back with regret is like slamming Y/yr hand in a car door.  It hurts like hell and serves no purpose.
 
i hope this clarifies things a little.
 
pinksugarsub
 
 
 
 
 



Evility -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 3:08:10 AM)

To a point I agree with you. I'm also an advocate of knowing what you want but I don't necessarily see how that makes it any more likely to find what you want. You can actually get too specific and box yourself in. 



persephonee -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 3:24:31 AM)

i have been married to a woman. i have had meaningless relationships and i have experienced true lasting love...until it wasnt. i have had a child. i have been disowned and "forgiven" by my family of origin. i have marched on Washington. i have flunked out of college. i have put myself through school and created a career that i prolly no longer enjoy. i have discovered a whole new world and am now feeling more like myself than any other time in my life.
i dont look back on my past with regret. There were bad times and good. But it all brought me to this place. It may be the maso in me, but i have a hard time being too terribly hysterical when bad things occur in my life...especially if there is angst involved, because i know that in the end i will have come out with a lesson learned.
Dont feel that any part of your life has been...wasted. Its all just part of the process. Its a sucky one about 60% of the time. Ya gotta grab onto that 40% and hold on for dear life.



summersprite -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 3:45:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

'Knowing what Y/you want is the first step towards getting it'.
 
i am still learning about new fetishes and kinks all the time.  By now i think there are so many, i'll probably always be learning.
 
For me, 'knowing what i want' has little to do with knowing which kinds of play might float my boat.  Instead, it means i know i want a certain type of D/s relationship -- a long term relationship which grows out of love.
 
i'm not interested in anything else.  Lately, i've realised that if i'm direct about this with Doms, i'm going to waste less of my time and increase my chances of finding what i want.
 
This isn't about whether a ltr is 'superior' to a play partner, etc.  What it's about is the notion that if Y/you can define what Y/you want, Y/you are much more likely to get it.
 
Any thoughts?
 
pinksugarsub 



I know what I want, ... I want my Sir....
Why?
Because He  desires me... and I adore him. We have mutual lust, like and friendship..... the fetish and the kinks come after the chemistry....

....and oh god.... goddesss... and all divine entities..... I hope this continues...... Yes, every cynical reader on CM can shoot me down... as I'm sure they will....... but..... I'm going to declare this here.....

I love you, Sir....  I am Yours....
V xx



pinksugarsub -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 3:51:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

To a point I agree with you. I'm also an advocate of knowing what you want but I don't necessarily see how that makes it any more likely to find what you want. You can actually get too specific and box yourself in. 


Evility, i know i run a risk of never finding a Dom.  i'm okay with that.  My life is peaceful, stable and comforable.  What i lack -- joy -- i can survive without.  For me, a D/s relationship is both a 'want' and a 'need'.  If it never happens, i'm prepared to continue building a good life for myself.
 
Meantime, i'm not willing to change any item on my 'List of Intolerables', which i have had for 20 years.  Nor am i willing to have a short-term relationship, no matter how delightful the Dom might be.  If it clearly will not last -- and some Doms have been honest in telling me They are unable to sustain interest for more than a matter of months -- then i won't pursue things any further.
 
i've ended dating relationships because the Dom did not want any physical intimacy; because He was seriously into Gor (s'thing i just can't wrap my head around); because He was physically unappealing or incompatible (to me); because i felt no 'click' with Him after a few dates; because He was so financially distressed and unstable i couldn't (or wouldn't) share His money issues; because He revealed He was recently promiscuious; etc.
 
i think finding a Dom is like gambling.  Chances are you'll lose, but if you don't try, you definately will not win.
 
If You think this is a box without any escape hatch, then so be it.
 
pinksugarsub
 
 



DMFParadox -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 5:08:10 AM)

Ah, intelligent filters.  Two cases: whitelist or blacklist.  Filter everything, see nothing.  Filter nothing, see... nothing worth seeing.

Since beginners are percieved to have less filters by those who succeed, they are advised to learn how to choose what they want... the 'whitelist' approach.

At some point our dreams seem impractical.  Since what we want is not possible, we switch to the 'blacklist.'  Allow everything, then choose what we DON'T want. 

This is often unsatisfying.  We go back eventually to a modified whitelist.

Then back to black.

This is normal and desirable.  Embrace it.  Refuse to calcify.

AAAAAAND if you didn't understand a word I just said, you get what you pay for.

Now go kick some relationship ass already.



KatyLied -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 6:06:37 AM)

What the person is about is much more important and appealing to me than his list of kinks and likes/dislikes.  There are some that I know would not work for me, and I would rule out immediately, such as a sadist or anyone extreme or not reality-based.  Beyond that I'm open to a lot.  I'm more in search of a relationship than in kink.  I am busy and content in my life as it is, so I'm not pounding the pavement looking for a relationship.  I find that it's emotionally draining to be in "seeking" mode.



WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 6:25:02 AM)

Three of my long term relationships actually started off as just being a sexual hookup.   Was not even thinking anything about long term, short term or anything else.   There was simply a mutual spark, connection along with sexual desire to get naked fuck and have wild kinky sex. 

The Sex was great, the physical chemistry rocked, and that was enough to trigger us into dating mode.  More Great Sex, with Dinners, Movies and going out.  Then after a bit, stuff started getting left behind at each others places.  You know the point when personal property is being left behind.

I'm certain any women knows the deep meaning behind finding a man's tooth brush still in her bathroom.  Hell, even the sight of his jeans after she's washed them for the first time.. her finger gently caressing the zipper.. lost in deep thoughts while in the laundry room.

Next thing you know, you are spending so much time together, a comment is made that you might as well be living together.  A moment of laughing, a pause of serious silence, followed by why not?  Let's do it.

Next thing you know it, plans are being made.. the whole wonderful pain in the ass of moving into together starts.  Who is going to get rid of what to make room for the other persons stuff.   Who is gonna keep what..

Say, how did all this get started again?  Oh yeah, a night wild crazy sex, without any pressure or intentions of anything else happening.

OK, sure I'm on this website, and I'd like to have a long term relationship.  I really can't promise anybody how long a relationship actually is going to last.   People tend to tell one another, it's forever and ever.  Then comes the rude reality when things are not working out so great.  Those words forever and ever tend to slip away, as if they were never spoken at all.

Hell, so what if it's a short term relationship, at least you had a connection with somebody.   How bad is that compared to being alone, going without sex, never experiencing any kink.  A life of TV dinners, late night bad TV, endless hours on the internet, and dishing out cat food to your kitty cat.

Oh christ, I did I just say all this.  This is coming from somebody mind you who is interested in a long term relationship.

Damn it, my coffee cup is empty!  This sucks, I don't have anybody to give me a refill...  I could use somebody to just be my coffee bitch slave.



pixidustpet -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 7:03:11 AM)

i spent 10 years in an abusive marriage.  yesterday was my 16th anniversary with wolf, and in a week and a half i'm leaving for texas, leaving him behind.  the divorce is in the works, and will be finalized sometime after this weekend when we take our parenting class.  (mandatory bullshit.)

what do i want?  someone who respects me, someone who appreciates that i want to be submissive, and who understands my need for certain things.  someone who doesnt call me a freak, and who loves me as i am, not in spite of who i am.  someone who accepts both my intelligence AND my "eternal 12 year old" nature.

knowing what i dont want has helped me a lot in finding what i do want.  and TheEngineer has been first my friend, then my lover...over 7 years now we've been unknowingly working towards being together, and once the words "i love you" were said we both knew that this was what we had been slowly working towards.

or as a longtime friend used to say "its all good, babe!" and i think perhaps it may be, now.

kitten, content with TheEngineer but gonna miss Daddy terribly....



pinksugarsub -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 7:03:52 AM)

Life on my own is fabulous. i think it may, in part, be a leftover from my past.  My ex has never been here, cannot find my address, does not have a key....it still makes my heart sing, even after all these years.
 
The food thing is also a little odd for me. i basically don't 'get' wtf the fuss is all about.  i can make a sandwich or microwave a bowl of soup in seconds.  Why would i want to spend time buying ingredients, preparing different dishes, using the stove, the oven and the grill all at once, to get a different result?  If i really want a nice meal there are plenty of resturants around. 
 
Ya, i spend my days at home for the most part. i'm no longer working, and may never work again.  So i play on the 'net, veg in front of the tv, read, hang on the phone with friends, and such.  When i feel better (am in a great deal of pain now) maybe i'll take a class at the community center or s'thing.
 
i've never, ever had this kind of life before.  It was always a 'high alert -- danger -- danger -- move immediately to the closest exit' kind of life.  When i was in law school i had at least 4 different arrival times per day and they were all critical.  Get kid to day care -- get to class -- get to work -- get back to class -- pick kid up from day care.  Miss even one and i'd have been screwed.  i look back now and wonder how i did it.
 
It wasn't any different in my years of practice and raising my UM. 
 
That's at least 20 years of running on 'high' all the time.  Life wasn't all that much different during my childhood and adolesence.  i had to hitchhiike the last leg of my trip to high school for a year, and carried a switchblade just in case.  (But that's another Op.)
 
The point is, livng alone, without a schedule to adhere to, is a source of comfort and peace to me.  i don't see it as lacking in any way.
 
As far not having a lover right now -- that's my choice.  i've had enough bad sex in my life to last me forever.  i'm not interested in having any more.  For me -- and maybe no one else on earth -- i need to feel there is a relationship, one in which i'm valued, even cherished, or the sex will not be good.
 
Different strokes for different F/folks.  Don't make assumptions about O/others quite so fast, please.
 
pinksugarsub
 
 



KatyLied -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 7:09:38 AM)

quote:

knowing what i dont want has helped me a lot in finding what i do want.


Actually it may be more important than knowing what you do want.
I can easily sit and list what I don't want and envision how I don't want my life to be.  But it's more difficult to list what I want and how I see a compatible relationship working long-term.



RCdc -> RE: Knowing What Y/you Want (6/11/2008 7:47:49 AM)

Personally, I didn't define what I wanted.  If you do that, you get tunnel vision and ignore the possibilities that come along.  The only thing I decided was that I wasn't going to settle '...just because'.
 
Being in love and having a relationship with someone can suddenly open doors that you may have kept locked and bolted were it not for the person you are in love with/having a relationship with.
 
And sometimes what you want, isn't the best and healthiest option fo you.  You can want all you like, but it doesn't make it healthy or stimulate growth.
 
But then I was never 'searching' in the first place.  I have never had to.  I tend to live my life now, not waiting for the what ifs to come along.  That way I evolve all the time and not get my pants caught on the hook of '.defineme.'
 
the.dark.



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