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Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 12:18:45 PM   
fungasm


Posts: 321
Joined: 8/2/2007
Status: offline 		What are the basic questions that folks could/should ask before they start a sexual/bdsm relationhip?  I'd love to hear what you would like to be told by your partner before a sexual begins... or what you would like to tell your partner before sexual relationship begins... or questions to start a conversation when you really want to know what your partner likes and wants.

*Do you want to come in my mouth?
*When you come in my mouth, would you like to have me kiss you afterwards? 
*Do you like fingers in your ass?
*Do you like anything else in your ass?
*Do you like like to have anal sex?
* Do you like your nipples kissed?  Bitten?
*Do you like nipple clamps?
*Do you like clothes pins?
*Uncirmcumsized:  pull back the foreskin and/or cover the tip?
*Clit question: suck, lick and/or kiss?
*Blindfolds?
*Do you want to be tied up?
*Do you want to to tie me up?
*Do you like giving spankings?
*Do you like being spankings?
*Do you usually need more lubrication?
*Does twisting, groping or pulling your breasts hurt?
*After sex: talking/no talking?
*How do you feel about being given directions during sex?

I know that there are a lot of amazing things to learn from actually having sex with someone, but what are things you like to ask/answer *before* you start a sexual relationship?

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 12:26:41 PM   
FullCircle


Posts: 5713
Joined: 11/24/2005
Status: offline 		Do you mind if I stand here with my clipboard and ask you if inserting fingers into your backside is ok?
 
What happened to spontaneity.
 
The fingers may be allowed in if the situation calls for it

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 12:29:19 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I'd have less things I wouldn't do and would discuss that.  Top of my discussion would be contraception and STDs.  Everything else is negotiable as and when.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 12:29:23 PM   
MrSpectacular


Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		What is your favorite restaurants?

Sorry to sound flip - but if there is not a vanilla connection with real communication who cares about a laundry list of sexual kinks. Those are the fun parts of exploring a relationship - but the relationship has to be established first.

N


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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 12:33:20 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		I hate checklists and playing 20 questions. I much prefer a conversation that might would be considered foreplay. If we're far enough along that these questions are ready to be broached, then I'm ready to have an interesting conversation rather than an interview.

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 12:35:16 PM   
fungasm


Posts: 321
Joined: 8/2/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FullCircle

Do you mind if I stand here with my clipboard and ask you if inserting fingers into your backside is ok?
 
What happened to spontaneity.
 
The fingers may be allowed in if the situation calls for it


Spontaneity and situations are wonderful.  But so is knowing what your partner wants because you have talked about it and asked the right questions. Personally, I'd rather get the questions over first, so my mouth can be full during play. Especially since I'm not psychic.

_____________________________

"Science is a lot like sex. Sometimes something useful comes of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it." (Richard Feynman)

Blog: http://antidomme.sensualwriter.com

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 12:43:13 PM   
FullCircle


Posts: 5713
Joined: 11/24/2005
Status: offline 		The only problem with that is sometimes when you ask questions directly it sounds accusing and makes the other person deny what they want anyway. I wouldn't ask them directly in terms of a checklist but a flowing conversation would occur in which I'd find out all I needed to know.

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 12:52:03 PM   
Midnght


Posts: 98
Joined: 4/24/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		I guess you might need these if you just hop to bed with anyone. Most of this should come up in conversation while your getting to know each other. IE Before you jump into bed. I mean face it if you can't talk about sex before sex when will you ever?
But hey that's just me.

< Message edited by Midnght -- 6/7/2008 12:53:10 PM >

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 12:56:12 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		I have a checklist of s&m, kink, fetish and sexual activity that I use if things start getting serious.
(It is in spreadsheet form)
The person can rate each activity as to if they enjoy it/hate it / hard limit / willing to try.

The two of us would be able to go into detail after they read and rate the items.

I would rather have a good idea that the person is a match to my likes before getting involved IF it is going to be a physical type of dynamic.
There are just some things I'm not willing to give up at this point in life...


Lady Jag

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Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 1:06:43 PM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		Instead of asking questions, I will in casual conversation mention things that I enjoy doing.  Such as I love playing with clothes pins.  Perhaps give them an example of what I mean.  Then I kick back and see what their reaction is.

Basically, I am letting them know what I'm into and I'm seeing if they are into the same thing or not.

I don't try to run down through the whole check list of activities at once either.  I just blend it into the conversations of things going on at the time.  

Might even get to talking about fantasies and kinks in general.  Make it a two way conversation. 

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 1:31:37 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Depends on what the encounter is.  A hot one night stand thing is pretty much "Your condoms or mine?" A long involved weekend is usually more "What preferences do you have" "Any quirks I should know about" "How do you orgasm" and "Do you want to go for anal"

For me if I'm having an ongoing relationship with someone, the sexual part works in tandem with everything else- so over dinner I'm as likely to ask "How does spanking get to you?" as I am "So you do prefer Italian or Mexican?"

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 1:37:31 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		I despise checklists.   I think working your kinks and preferences into conversation is great.   That can certainly be part of foreplay.   Talking (discussing) things are much more personal than a question and then a yes or no andwer to be followed by another question. 

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 1:39:40 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline 		   I'm suppose to ask?

(Just kidding)  

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 1:50:36 PM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		I'd rather all of this come up over time, and not in one Q & A session.  I love the learning curve during a new relationship - seeing what works, and what doesn't.  Sometimes conversation is needed.  Other times letting a preference be known while in the moment is possible also.  Sometimes it's quite sweet to share a bottle of wine and get down to the 'nitty gritty' questions of preferences, fantasies and desires.  It just depends on the relationship and the flow of communication between the two people. 

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 1:51:27 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL fungasm

Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship



So... do you fuck?

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 1:51:44 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm

What are the basic questions that folks could/should ask before they start a sexual/bdsm relationhip?  SNIP  I know that there are a lot of amazing things to learn from actually having sex with someone, but what are things you like to ask/answer *before* you start a sexual relationship?


Do others find sexual and bdsm, along with relationship, in the same phrase a dichotomy to answer??

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 2:02:52 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Honestly, I'm not going to ask a submissive what her preferences are. I won't ignore something I learn that is a turn-on or turn-off to her, but I may also be able to lead her into something she thought she wouldn't like. If I were to begin something that was totally not working, I may not push it, but then again I may. It depends on our relationship and if I think it would be good for us. Ya know, Dom leading submissive and all that.

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 2:11:31 PM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		FR

In early conversation, along with getting to know someone's non-BDSM related interests/thoughts/etc, I generally focus on those thing that might be potential dealbreakers with me. If she/he doesn't balk at any of those or bring up anything that I balk at, I figure the rest we can figure out as we go.

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 2:16:45 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		I have but one question: "Do you like to overthink things before you have sex?"

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RE: Questions to Ask at the Onset of a Sexual Relationship - 6/7/2008 2:25:53 PM   
firefey


Posts: 144
Joined: 1/25/2005
Status: offline 		i didn't get the feeling that fungasm was talking about a check-list, interview type conversation.  more just asking what kind of questions you tend to or should tend to ask.  having said that, i can totally see working this kind of scenario into a scene.  interrogation anyone?  especially fun if you are just starting to get physically intimate with someone after a more friendship oriented courtship.

as to questions i ask:  i'm interested in hard limits and curriosities more than anything.  and hot buttons.  i know that grabbing my boy by the hair and ravishing his mouth with mine is gonna make him instantly hot and ready to go.  which is why i tend to do it just long enough for the desired effect to take hold before i let him go and gently push him away. 

i also think that ernest conversations after sex are important.  especially if you try somethign new.  if i found something particullarly enjoyable, i will compliment him later.  usually when were clothed and off doing whatever for the day.  or if i did something new to him and wasn't compleatly sure of his reaction i will ask, did you enjoy that activity?  how did it make you feel?  modification for greater comfort or discomfort depending on desired results.

< Message edited by firefey -- 6/7/2008 2:28:11 PM >

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