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RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/5/2008 10:25:23 PM

summersprite

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Joined: 4/3/2008
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I'm not at all interested in casual BDSM play just as I was never very interested in casual vanilla play. I find it's the 'connection' between my Sir and me that makes what we do so satisfying. If I wasn't seeing Him, I'd have no desire to 'play' with random strangers.... it's not the act or sensations of spanking/cropping/whipping/face-slapping/spitting/bondage/fisting/fucking that turns me on.... it's my Sir doing those things to me that turns me on ;-)

I'm not knocking casual play - 'connections' can be made in all sort of situations. Each to their own as they say...

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 21

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/5/2008 10:53:08 PM

Wickad

Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
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(fast reply)

Greetings,

Interesting topic!!

On so many levels I agree with the OP and on others .. I couldn't disagree more.

I am not interested in casual. For this reason, as well as others I'm sure, I have had a hard time finding play partners. I expect anyone who wants to play with me to take the time to get to know me. This does not mean a 15 min. conversation upon first meeting.

As well, connecting with someone via play is a rare and wonderful thing.

However, I am not interested in sex in the conventional sense with my play partner. The arousal that I feel because of play is purely mental. This is not to say that it is any less heady. It just doesn't reach my genitals. It hits me in a spot deep in the primal core of my being and allows me to experience a type of euphoria and elevated state. This experience is powerful and elusive. It is part of what I gain from play with someone I connect with. Is this sex? Hmmm, I wouldn't call it that but others might - who am I to judge their characterization of such a feeling?

BDSM in it's entirety is not solely about sex. For some it is about something else entirely.

Wickad

(in reply to summersprite)

Post #: 22

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/6/2008 1:06:56 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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I can, and sometimes do, have casual scenes. I don't like or enjoy them as much as the scenes I have where I 'connect' with the person. I don't play casually often any more, although I used to do the 'meet and beat' quite regularly. Now, while I want the scene to be FUN, I want there to be a connection, too.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 23

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/6/2008 1:39:30 AM

Phoenix2raven

Posts: 347
Joined: 10/14/2006
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Merc n beth, it sounds like you have a wonderful sexual/sensual "synergy" happening, and it sounds like you're both able to bring others into that synergy when the vibes are right. i love to read your posts!

my Sir and i have a deep connection and synergy. we're both polyamorous and i have health issues that affect how much impact play i can take ... i had the honor of watching Sir at a play party recently, scening hard with a friend he's known for years, and even though no sexual touching occurred, their unique synergy was definitely radiating sexuality! it was lovely to see the differences and similarities, and to bask in the warm vibes. :)
~raven

_____________________________

If you're a Dominate, are you looking for a sublimate?

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 24

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/6/2008 2:01:45 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
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From: Tampa, FL
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Thank you for opening this thread. Whenever i read "it's not about sex" i say to myself "but it is!" As you said, it may not involve penetration or orgasm or even the genitals. It does not need to include love or any romantic feelings, but at very least, for me, it's about sharing a sexual energy that goes much deeper than the skin on which it is played.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 25

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/6/2008 2:08:01 AM

MasterFireMaam

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From: Charleston, WV
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Thinking more...I thought I should say that my connection doesn't have to be sexual; it can be spiritual for me. So, while I love it when it IS sexual, it doesn't have to be for me.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 26

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/6/2008 3:14:22 AM

SilentTigresss

Posts: 261
Joined: 1/18/2004
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I have to agree with your thoughts here. I can't say I've ever played and there was not some sort of connection, even if it was a one time thing.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 27

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/6/2008 5:45:53 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
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Only once have I scened with someone where I haven't felt any kind of connection. I haven't done it again because it was kind of flat and didn't do a whole lot for me.

I'm one of those who say 'it isn't really sex.' 'Cause sometimes it really isn't sex, its something else. I can and often do have an orgasm when all someone is doing is hitting me between the shoulder blades using a leather strap with absolutely no genital or even skin to skin contact. There's a spot, right there between my shoulder blades...and another one at the base of my back....and still another one at the base of my neck that can be activated with 'voice' alone. Then, there's this spot along my spine...I can't call these sort of things sexual and I can't call those orgasm's sex, anymore than I can call it sex when a woman orgasms in child birth or when someone is seized in ecstacy during an intense spiritual experience. I may be dripping, but its a different sort of drip...

(I don't understand this stuff and am always at a loss to explain it.)

I think, culturally, we have a limited, reductivist view of erotic experience. These sorts of experiences are on a contuum with sex, but cannot be reduced to sex without losing something. There's so many really cool things we can do with our bodies. Sex is a large and meaningful part of that. But, there's so much more.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 28

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/6/2008 10:33:57 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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Damn! - NEVER realized I touched upon something that affected so many. Thanks to all who have said so. We've received a few notes directly to our profile that were amazing expressions of emotions. All basically expressing the same concept; the feelings can not be expressed in words, but so easy to point to and say - "THAT's IT!" when you see the 'connection' between people.

I was reminded of one of the first times I observed it. A few months before I had my beth in my life. I was stunned for a couple of reasons. First it was a 'demo' in front of a room full of people; not the ideal environment for witnessing this connection. Second, it was a scene between two men; not something I believed beforehand I could, or would, see as sensual. Yet there is was. It was one of the most erotic, sensual, display I had ever seen between two people. No 'sex', under the clinical definition, occurred. Yet the intercourse between the Master and the slave, when flogger struck flesh, was so sensual and erotic it was palatable and thick in the room. I knew I had the privilege of witnessing something special, a cathartic exchange of energy between two people. I knew I never experienced anything similar, but I knew I wanted to. Not too long after, beth crossed my path. It seems that the first time we looked into each other eyes and our hands touched in greeting, our souls meshed and became one. Silly to say out loud but to deny it, from my perspective, would be impossible.

I'm so happy to hear that many relate to this and have experienced the same thing.

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 29

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/6/2008 11:01:15 AM

SilentTigresss

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Joined: 1/18/2004
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Ahhh, well, since you add an example of a scene.. I'd like to share one.
In the very beginning of this for me, there was a club here in my state that I went to. I've made some friend's by now so they were at the club too one night. Anyway...
I was away from the two of them playing, but something made me stop and turn around to this most intense..if I may steal a word, intercourse (no sex here either) between two people I've ever seen play. He (the Master) would make this sound when he would strike, can't even begin to try and spell it, and my friend would react just so in tune\, and then the whip would hit. It was hot..I wanted some. I will just keep the rest short and say I felt the same way as the words just posted by you, Mr. Merc.
Thanks for my attempt at some plagarism..

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 30

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/6/2008 12:48:11 PM

Deliena

Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
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For me, until meeting my current Master BDSM was about a connection that often didn't include sexual interest outside of scening with my play partner. I had been in a relationship for nearly 10 years with a vanilla guy who was great, but had no interest in BDSM at all. He knew that the kinky side of me needed release and therefore I had pure play partners with whom I shared time in that way (no sexual contact/fluid exchange - but still intense)

Finding it in someone I want to spend time without outside of scening (we're not 24/7 people I doubt I'll ever want to be to be honest) was a total revelation. It was like having drunk water for years thinking it was coffee then someone giving me a steamy cup of Java and saying "that, my dear, is coffee". Scales fell off of my eyes. I hope one day my Master and I can become even close to as well matched as some of the couples who have posted here, it's early days yet, but I see potential in both Him and the way we are together. Thank you so much for this thread. Today is a particularly bad day for me (date-wise and bi-polar-wise) and unfortunately He has to be somewhere else which He cannot get out of until late tonight. This thread is the first thing that has made me stop crying and feel warm and fuzzy all day. Thank you all

(in reply to SilentTigresss)

Post #: 31

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/7/2008 8:22:08 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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Deliena,
Thanks for letting us know your thoughts. beth pointed out to me that this thread had the effect of stopping your crying it had the opposite effect on 'Owner'.

quote:

we're not 24/7 people I doubt I'll ever want to be to be honest

Sure you are - you're 24/7 you; enjoying life together, doing what you want as much as you can. There is nothing better. I don't know what anyone else refers to when they represent being a 24/7 couple, but that's all it means to us. Sure we play, but the liberating thing about being with each other is that each of us can be 24/7 totally and honestly exposed.

24/7 is all about being comfortable. Being comfortable with yourself first is the start. Comfortable being 'naked'. A partner similarly comfortable with themselves and you sets the stage. When you can do that all the time you're 24/7. You can be that in any dynamic throughout the range of WIITWD specific acts. If your happy, having fun, enjoying each other no matter what life throws at you - you're 24/7.

(in reply to Deliena)

Post #: 32

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/7/2008 9:50:06 AM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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This has been a rather interesting thread but just a few comments.

BDSM for me is more often than not a sexual experience for me.... but not always. But it is always sexual when I am intimately connected on an emotional level with my partner(s) even if I am not engaged in a sexual explicit action. But, I have played with others that I am not deeply emotional connected to or even physically connected to and it has been very non-sexual for me. I would say the BDSM activity is similiar as engaging in a sports activity. On occasions I have intensely enjoyed BDSM scenes when I have caused alot of pain to the bottom and it was incredible... but far from a sexual pleasure. In some cases it really is about causing pain for the enjoyment of those in the play. Having said that.. just because it wasn't sexual for me doesn't mean my partner might not of been sexual pleased. Does that make it a sexual scene... well I guess it depend on what a person is getting from it. I do know that I find alot more pleasure when the person I play with is an intimate connection to me. It's more pleasure.... becuase it feeds so many types of pleasure centres and one of them is the sexual one.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 33

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/8/2008 2:10:38 PM

Deliena

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Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
24/7 is all about being comfortable. Being comfortable with yourself first is the start. Comfortable being 'naked'. A partner similarly comfortable with themselves and you sets the stage. When you can do that all the time you're 24/7. You can be that in any dynamic throughout the range of WIITWD specific acts. If your happy, having fun, enjoying each other no matter what life throws at you - you're 24/7.

Thank you both for your words - and yes, Beth there is a certain interesting symmetry in my and OwnedGirlie's responses to this thread.

We're definitely there by the definition above. Haven't felt this "at home" in years.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 34

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/13/2008 10:17:03 PM

SireKane

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Mr & mrs Merc, I've seen you two engage many times over the years, and it is truely a thing of beauty. I totally agree with you. You just can't duplicate your level of energy and passion upon request from those who you don't know or share a genuine connection with. Nor should you try. A few years ago I stopped doing casual scenes for the same reason. I don't need empty scenes. Living a 24/7 M/s relationship keeps me in a constant state of erotisim, and that is very fulfilling. I love it, it's good to hear from others who feel the same way.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 35

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/14/2008 4:43:48 AM

DelilahDeb

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Joined: 1/27/2008
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Mercnbeth:

You write eloquently and cogently of a key to what makes WIITWD meaningful. For me, at least, even simple fetish night volunteer bottoms connect with me as a necessary part of the interaction. The individuals I top, dominate, and occasionally bottom to are people that are open to that connection. If it's not possible to have a connection, then that individual is not a play partner for me.

An example is the Gorean I encountered early in my becoming active in the scene. We swapped massages once, yet I couldn't make any sort of emotional connection that made any sense to me, not even the basics of one. Future occasions of play have been carefully declined by me. (It didn't help any that I'd read, discarded, and forgotten a handful of the early Gor novels as their anti-feminist softcore porn unfolded out of Norman's limited imagination.)

At the same time, your initial post reminds me of scenes I've had with a dear, dear sub. On one occasion the energies flowing between us were strong enough that a much more experienced domme paid us a compliment, when she later told me, repeatedly, that "I don't usually notice scenes around me at a large dungeon party, but whatever you two were doing, it was HOT!"

Delilah Deb

_____________________________

"All acts of love & pleasure are My rituals."
--from the Charge of the Goddess, a Wiccan teaching

(in reply to SireKane)

Post #: 36

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/14/2008 7:44:51 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SireKane

Mr & mrs Merc, I've seen you two engage many times over the years, and it is truely a thing of beauty. I totally agree with you. You just can't duplicate your level of energy and passion upon request from those who you don't know or share a genuine connection with. Nor should you try. A few years ago I stopped doing casual scenes for the same reason. I don't need empty scenes. Living a 24/7 M/s relationship keeps me in a constant state of eroticism, and that is very fulfilling. I love it, it's good to hear from others who feel the same way.

You know Kane, I started and erased a reply about 5 times telling you how much at home I felt from the first time I visited you and your place. The word 'club' doesn't quite describe it. Sure it has all the club amenities but the people make it more than simply just a place that has spanking benches, St. Andrew's crosses, and chain link spider webs. There's the kitchen where fresh baked cookies are always waiting and, if your lucky, some of careena's great chili. Chatting with people in the kitchen while 'recharging' was my second favorite thing to do at your place.

I had taken a number of partners to your place prior to meeting and taking beth. By that time, we had gotten to know each other. You were one of the few who appreciated my NYC sense of 'humor'. When I introduced beth to you the first time I took her to your place, and said to her that part of her initiation for being allowed to play at your club was for her to do a poll dance at the strip club next door, you didn't drop a beat. You said, yup that's right! The look on her face was priceless.

From one 'sensual sadist' to another - Thanks for the kind words. beth and I are looking forward to getting together for that drink we've been talking about.

(in reply to SireKane)

Post #: 37

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/14/2008 8:24:45 AM

hejira92

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From: Palm Beach County, Fl
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Thank you for helping to put into words something I've thought, but have not been able to define.

Whether penetrative sex happens or not (although I always vote for the latter

), all of our play is in the context of our sexual, D/s and intimate relationship. And, frankly, I could not imagine it to be exciting to me otherwise.

Only one time has Master had someone else lay hands on me. And, to me, it didn't really matter. He was there. My eyes were locked on His. She (a Domme and good friend) was just a tool He was using on me. The experience (early on in our relationship) actually bonded us closer. She felt the energy between us and really enjoyed being in the vibe of it.

We are on the brink of expanding our horizons in terms of public play and bringing in others, etc. And it is because of what you are describing that I know it will be great and only fortifying for our relationship.

Also, the thing about all play being sexual in context, if not content- I heartily agree. When we play, Master often doesn't feel the need to cum. With my orientation, I often worried that I wasn't satisfying Him or somehow "doing my job" , but it was because I really didn't understand the Dominant mindset. He explains it to me this way- He may not always cum, but He always gets off.

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(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 38

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/14/2008 8:26:38 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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At my age, casual anything has no appeal. Honestly, if there's no relationship then I'd be more comfortable at home with a vibrator.

But I'm not a horny kid anymore and that, IMO, is the difference.

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Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 39

RE: Sensation not sex or sensual? - 6/14/2008 8:51:13 AM

chellekitty

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Joined: 3/27/2005
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i play for the spiritual not the sexual....i have certain people i play with and i am not in a relationship with them, in fact, we often don't talk between play parties...but there is a spiritual connection there that i cannot explain and would not even dare disect...

i do do sexual play when i am in a relationship that supports it...but i am not, nor have i been for several years...i survive...

chelle

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 40

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