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Relationship Post Mortems? - 5/28/2008 9:09:21 PM   
fungasm


Posts: 321
Joined: 8/2/2007
Status: offline 		When your relationship ends, do you need "closure"? 

I know this will sound dreadful, but I would rather take out my spleen with a jagged fork than have to rehash everything that was wrong with a relationship. But I'm curious and I'd love to know what other folks think. 

Do you need to process?

< Message edited by fungasm -- 5/28/2008 9:29:19 PM >

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RE: Relationship Post Mordems? - 5/28/2008 9:12:01 PM   
RedMagic1


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Status: offline 		I think some people "process" by taking out the ex's spleen with a jagged fork.

Or their own.


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RE: Relationship Post Mordems? - 5/28/2008 9:16:30 PM   
Alumbrado


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RE: Relationship Post Mordems? - 5/28/2008 9:25:19 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
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Status: offline 		Plato wrote "The unexamined life is not worth living."  By that, I presume that he meant the bad parts as well as the good.  When things happen in my life, I try to take a long hard look at what happened, of what value it was, and how I could have made it better.  Sometimes I've looked at good parts with an impartial eye and discovered it was not what I'd done right, but pure luck had been on my side.  That produces valuable learning.  Looking at the bad parts is both easier and harder.  Harder because it's painful, but easier because I know I probably fucked up somewhere and I have to find that (or those) bad decisions.

"Lessons Learned" are painful, but they make for a better life for me and for those dear to me

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RE: Relationship Post Mordems? - 5/28/2008 9:25:40 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Nope, but then I end most of my relationships by letting them die out.

Reposted:
Closure really is something I roll my eyes at.  It usually means "I want to feel like I've impacted you in some way and be able to get some dignity back from you by spilling it all out on the table and making you uncomfortable for awhile"

I'm fine if YOU need to take care of stuff for YOU to move on.  This should not depend on any response from anyone else.  I understand WANTING one, but acting on that is different.  I know the one time an ex has specifically wanted to talk with me about "closure" I ended up more annoyed and actually resentful towards him rather than just sad that it was ending.

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End of a relationship/Closure/COllar custody?

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RE: Relationship Post Mordems? - 5/28/2008 9:28:39 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Closure is one of those words like communication that seem to mean a lot but often mean nothing.

If the relationship was dysfunctional, there is no way to have closure WITH the other person, you just escape.  Most of the time in those situations closure rhymes with clinging.

If you date someone you actually like and care about but find out you are on different ways and part, yes you can sit down with them and talk about and resolve some issues.

Now stepping back and LOOKING at a relationship to see your own role in it can be useful but is something better done later after the healing is done.

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RE: Relationship Post Mordems? - 5/28/2008 9:34:38 PM   
MakeMeSmile4U


Posts: 710
Joined: 4/27/2008
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		I need the closure.  If I am the dumper I try to be pretty clear about why it didn't work for me (and how it never will work so he doesn't ask later if we can try again).  Recently I was the dumpee and his 'reasons' for ending it were nothing more than excuses.  It makes me nuts not knowing the truth since things seemed just fine 3 days earlier.  But that's me... I tend to overthink everything anyway

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RE: Relationship Post Mordems? - 5/28/2008 9:44:47 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		If I've sought closure it's been in a singular form, one where I've examined, discected and processed it all. 
That can take years!  And the hardest part is where the finger turns backward and points at yourself. 
But even that pain has value in it's instruction of what not to do. 
When it's all said and done I have to admit I'm thankful for it. 
It's helped Me know Me better. 


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RE: Relationship Post Mortems? - 5/28/2008 10:18:25 PM   
RumpusParable


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quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm

When your relationship ends, do you need "closure"? 

I know this will sound dreadful, but I would rather take out my spleen with a jagged fork than have to rehash everything that was wrong with a relationship. But I'm curious and I'd love to know what other folks think. 

Do you need to process?


Depends on what you mean by "closure" and "to process".  Rehashing everything about the relationship doesn't strike me as closure, it strikes me as adding to and prolonging drama. 

For the sake of answering, I'll assume by "relationship" we mean something involved, long-term and with significant depth -not just dating or a fuck buddy or an acquaintance one hangs out with, that sort of thing.

At the end of what I consider a real relationship, yes, I need closure and to process... If gaining closure involves the other person it usually just comes down to "Thanks for my stuff back, see you later" or just "Bye.".  If it doesn't involve them, it usually lasts the length of one hot shower where I take a couple minutes to tidy up the emotions and lessons of it and move on in life.

"Processing" is something I do at all times, out of a relationship, inside one, during, at the end, unrelated... I'm constantly looking at what I do in each situation, what my strengths and faults are, when I handled something well and how I could've handled something better, etc.  That's every day, almost every minute, stuff that doesn't even require a relationship.  I'm constantly learning about and improving myself as best I can.

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RE: Relationship Post Mordems? - 5/28/2008 10:20:33 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I see closure maybe somewhat differently to other people here, as I see it as a way of saying goodbye. There's no need to relive the whole relationship, it either worked or it didn't, and like it or not most relationships in life don't work out, and there are others which do work out but only for a specific length of time and in a specific set of circumstances.

When a relationship ends people tend to look for blame and apportion the blame. I recently went through a break up and my response at the end was 'blame me if you feel you need to'. I wasn't really at fault, the relationship didn't work out, I felt we were both in the relationship and therefore both responsible, and I didn't want to get drawn into a discussion as to who and why they were at fault. It doesn't matter. This is why I do this. It's not important what caused the break up, it's far more important that we came together, met, and enjoyed whatever it was that developed, even if it was a shared illusion. You have plenty of time to work out what caused the break up afterwards when you're on your own, or if you want to go off and talk about the break up with close friends. I feel it's good to thank someone for at least trying.

I don't see any point in going through the 'dirty washing' of the relationship unless it's worth doing, i.e. that the relationship is worth continuing and you're both prepared to do it together. Relationships tend to contain a certain amount of crap which you need to keep on top of together for them to work and I have a theory that only 50% of any relationship is really ever the way you really want it anyway. The other 50% though isn't, it's what you put up with but then again it's this 50% which keeps you with the other person.

However this theory of mine is evolutionary, somewhat half-baked, and if you come back and ask me again after 10 or 15 years when I've spent much of the time actually in a relationship I might be able to explain this theory much better on the basis of better experiences.

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RE: Relationship Post Mortems? - 5/28/2008 10:24:09 PM   
abcbsex


Posts: 478
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline 		The way I end a relationship, it's as clean a break as I can make it. But breaking anything hurts, and I can only really talk about it with the person long after the emotions are gone. By then we've both moved on enough that I've never really had to have a "closure" discussion. I agree with LA about the purpose for it right after the fact is about making sure someone's impacted.

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RE: Relationship Post Mordems? - 5/28/2008 10:24:41 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		I dunno......I got dear johnned by a former sub on my birthday once. I got immediate closure by telling her it was the BEST birthday present I had ever gotten!

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RE: Relationship Post Mordems? - 5/28/2008 10:39:26 PM   
abcbsex


Posts: 478
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

I see closure maybe somewhat differently to other people here, as I see it as a way of saying goodbye. There's no need to relive the whole relationship, it either worked or it didn't, and like it or not most relationships in life don't work out, and there are others which do work out but only for a specific length of time and in a specific set of circumstances.



I definitely see what you mean here. One of my ex-boyfriends would not get out of my head for too long of a time, I kept rehashing things and wondering what he was up to, until the day before my wedding he wrote me a letter of congratulations... now that was the closure I needed, knowing that things weren't bitter between us. I felt like I had been released from something, whether it was his feelings towards me or mine towards him, it finally felt right to leave him in the past.

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RE: Relationship Post Mordems? - 5/28/2008 10:57:47 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		At the end of any relationship (people going their own ways or one person dies) and I may add foriendships when a friend dies, I analyse the relationship as a whole and remember the positives as well as the lessons learned during bad times. That is my closure. On few occasions I have happily sat with the person and together we have done this (postmortem I guess), but on these occasions neither of us have been hostile and infact hape maintained a friendly relationship .. Far too many people go for the You Did or You Said  and enev It was all your fault attitudes and believe me nothing positive can come from that so in such cases I simply close the doors and cut my losses (Almost impossible to conduct a positive let alone a civil postmortem with someone who had just cost you over AU$2.5 million.) I do however in every falling out, accept my share of the responsibility with the understanding that it is more than probable that both were equally to blame. 

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RE: Relationship Post Mortems? - 5/28/2008 11:10:14 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

When your relationship ends, do you need "closure"?

If by "closure" you mean the delightful sound of the door slamming with me on one side, ex wife on the other, yes.  I need that....that sense of  "so long, sayonara, don't the the door hit ya where the good lord split ya..."

Doesn't everybody?

If by "closure" you mean an endless examination of all the little things that screwed up the relationship....no way!  That's why the Scots created whisky. ("closure": what pubs do at 2AM).


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RE: Relationship Post Mortems? - 5/28/2008 11:21:57 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I can't recall that I've needed closure.  I'm still good friends, or at the very least on pleasant terms, with those few I had relationships with that ended.  Maybe I compartmentalize too much, but I'd rather let go and maintain friendships than cling to something that isn't working or isn't mutally fulfilling.  Just seems counter-productive to me. 

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RE: Relationship Post Mortems? - 5/28/2008 11:34:54 PM   
DaphneDescends


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/22/2008
Status: offline 		I always need closure. I need to know how that person feels towards me now, what's going to happen next, what went wrong. 95% of the time I end up being friends with former lovers, and closure is an important part of that.

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RE: Relationship Post Mortems? - 5/28/2008 11:43:19 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Not sure I'd call it closure, just a process of making sense of things. 

Michael talked about escaping a dysfunctional relationship and seeing one's own role in the relationship.  Rather than after the healing, I have found it to be part of the healing.  I escaped my marriage, but I was still very much attached to it for a year or so after I left it.  And it took almost a year after that to start seeing my part in it, and what I allowed.

There won't ever be "closure" in that he and I would be able to talk about things and come to an understanding.  But I can find closure within myself, by examining it, forgiving both of us, healing, and focusing myself on the present and going forward.  I found as long as I remained angry and unforgiving, I would always be stuck in it.  I don't want that for myself.  There is still healing to do.  I uncover pieces of it once in awhile, and sometimes at some pretty inopportune times. But it's all a part of the process. 

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RE: Relationship Post Mordems? - 5/29/2008 12:04:43 AM   
summersprite


Posts: 101
Joined: 4/3/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Nope, but then I end most of my relationships by letting them die out.

Reposted:
Closure really is something I roll my eyes at.  It usually means "I want to feel like I've impacted you in some way and be able to get some dignity back from you by spilling it all out on the table and making you uncomfortable for awhile"

I'm fine if YOU need to take care of stuff for YOU to move on.  This should not depend on any response from anyone else.  I understand WANTING one, but acting on that is different.  I know the one time an ex has specifically wanted to talk with me about "closure" I ended up more annoyed and actually resentful towards him rather than just sad that it was ending.





Oh, so true. My ex husband suggested counselling for 'closure' on our relationship.... what he really wanted was for me to admit how bad I'd been, spill all the details, and then flagellate myself for all eternity in hell.

< Message edited by summersprite -- 5/29/2008 12:05:21 AM >

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RE: Relationship Post Mortems? - 5/29/2008 12:20:00 AM   
SmokingGun82


Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline 		When a relationship ends, I usually know exactly why... what parts of us didn't click together, all that jazz. There's no need for a discussion about it, or to dwell on it too much.

I try to remember the fun we had together, the times when things were good, and let the bad memories slip into the aether.
I'm not always successful with it, but I still try.


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