Owner4SexSlave
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quote:
ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
It has been my experience that when a person first finds and enjoys the experience to be who they are... they feel a incredible sense of freedom. I don't see it as an Paradox or an Oxymoron. I think we spend so much time being social conditioned how to behave and what values to have... that we often find it difficult to determine how we Want to behave and What values we actually believe in. I see our breaking of social conditioning and actually accepting deciding to be who we are and not how we are conditioned as a point of Freedom.
I will add one last thought. It has been my experience that beyond that feeling of Freedom comes a point of Peace. When we reach a point of Freedom, the efforts and struggles to get there are fresh. We are full of excitment.. and sometimes even full of ourselves. But as the taste of victory becomes a distance memory and we continue to enjoy the freedom... a sense of peace can begin to take hold. You just begin to be you. You can't help being you anymore than the sun can stop from rising the next morning. Their is a beautiful sense of confidence and security in feeling that peace. This is not to say you stop working and striving to be a better person... but being a better person is just part of the choices you will make. You might stumble... but you get up because that is what you will do. It's peaceful just to be You.
KnightsofMist, your response truely hit home with a few things I have been struggling with lately. Actually in so many ways, what you wrote nearly sums it up completely.
Growing up as child, the struggles and the social adjustments, dealing with dark things inside my mind, adjustments to social conditioning. Life was a bitch in many ways for me a kid, then again who really has a perfect childhood. I just know the things that were going on inside my mind were not the same things going on inside all the other kids minds at time. The ultimate moral code of salvation, cause nobody any true or real harm. Still the darkness burning inside my mind. Doing really bad things to girls, it was something far more besides sex, however sexually it excieted me. Fantasies, lots and lots of things and desires going on inside my mind and soul. Confusion though. Why do I think such evil thoughts, yet at the same time, do not want to cause anybody any real harm. My fantasies and my own morals fighting around in circles inside my mind at times. Life as a kid.
Teenage years, still more fantasies, nothing has changed. Interests in Magic tricks, rope tricks, playing guitar, creative sides coming more to light, drawing, painting, making things. I'm explore more creative outlets in life. Then my friend. One of best friends, a steady daily constant in my life. She was the proverbial Girl next door. Innocent activities we'd do together, slowly becoming transformed. Making candles holders from coke bottles, hot dripping wax. next thing you know it. Hey this feels good. We get into doing a lot of Wax play, to the point of being almost totally naked. Getting Wax all over my floor on time, I had to spend hours cleaning it up afterwards.
Magic tricks and rope escape tricks, leading into Bondage. She was my assistent. Amazing things happen when a Magician has an Assistent. Slowly but surely, exploring more and more. To the point of making a homemade bed of nails. I even tried it out on myself. Think it was the result of watching too many things on TV, but those things sparked something, more like sit it off. She could not wait to try it out. To lay on the bed of nails.
Then there was the old bull whip that was out in the Shed. Perhaps, again from watching too much Zorro on TV. We both enjoyed screwing around with the WHIP. Crack Crack.. right on each others back. We had a lot of sexual energy going on, however we never had intercourse. She wanted to hold onto her virginity. Still, things got even more intense. The day, she asked me if I would do something, she was fearful of asking me at first. That I might think she was weird. Ok, finally she felt comfortable enough to ask me the awkward question. If I could rape her without going all the way. If I could make it pretend but not really pretend. My mind blown away, had to reprocess a lot that day inside my mind.
Went and did it, until she reached the point of breaking down and crying, however I had seen the tears before from using wrestling around together. Time out everything came to a hault, she wanted to be alone in her room for bit, she did not want me to leave the house. So I went downstairs and waited. Trying to process everything I did just did to somebody, make sense of it all. It had been part of those dark fantasies going on inside my head. Turns out she had laid in bed and masterbated her brains out, after this had happened. We talked and she was worried that I thought she was weird, for having me do that to her. That's when I opened up and explained to her, that I have a lot of fantasies about raping somebody, and kidnapping and etc.. We both opened up to each other on different levels after that day.
Then there was a saturday afternoon, she paid me a visit. I remember this day really well too. Then she sprung something new on me again. A plastic bag over the head. Took awhile to convince me of this. She even demonstrated it out on herself. Ok, I tried it over my head. Getting a feel for what and how long was good. We sat there just messing around with the bag and time limits and talking about things. I myself had issues with how safe it was. Then ok, let's incorperate it into acting out play rape. Complete with smacking her up and everything else, and the name calling.
God, this was all the stuff I was doing before I even got laid! The came a few years later.
I need to condense this post, fast forward, I was having sex and doing some crazy things with girlfriends. Then it happened one night when I was stranded in someplace. I went over to friends house, she was older and I knew her from Playing AD&D, she had a friend over (female friend). They were drinking wine, I was welcomed in and I ended up drinking wine with them, hanging out and bullshitting. A couple remarks about kinky things came up, and I said... OH, I'm into that. Next thing I knew, they were asking me lots and lots and questions. Using Buzzwords and things I never really heard before. Dom, switch, submissive and all those crazy words. I felt lost and confused, asked them to explain. I opened up and shared with them many of the crazy off the wall things I love to do, and had did. Basically, that night was my "Welcome to the Lifestyle" night.
Damn, I wish I could condense more.. The Lifestyle Relationships began!, For some very painful reasoning, I then sore it all off, tried like hell to go vanilla. Never being able to fully ditch or let go of the kink. Still I had cut myself short on many of my darker fantasies. I could have done those things. I'm haunted by a few things. The depth and levels and freedom and calm and peace, of an actual TPE (whatever you wanna label it) relationship. It's difficult at times to fully be able to slap a label on it. At times just simply slapping a few words on it, does not do justice alone.
Needless to say, when I turned my back on The Lifestyle, I stopped growing, never came to full self actualization in terms of a few things. Those things still burned at my mind and my soul, over the years. Always on my mind. Eating away at me inside. Just doing enough kink and playing with things, but not to the point it MY Vanilla Self Image would crumble.
Hell, I could probally be making this post to a number of threads right now. However, what KnightofMists wrote, nails much of what is truely on my mind. I've been hammer off more and more of the Vanilla jello mold. Trying to make reconnect to where I had last left off in terms of "The Lifestyle", not just the kink and sex. Other things with deeper meaning. Hell, even my music can be threaten at times in a Vanilla based lifestyle relationship. The fears that I might hook up with some Groupie Girl, or fuck somebody that is hitting on me. Then issues of Jealously, because I spent time practicing, playing the guitar. Amazing never had an issue with this in any Lifestyle relationship. I always had the Freedom to be who I was without much of a big deal. I had Peace, yes! I had Freedom. I could be who I could be.
Now, yes, there are some kinks, I need to do, try, explore. A few of them, I know I will enjoy without question. They don't involve body part removal! or scat. Actually they are not really all that bad. I have been at odd, with again, dealing with letting go of that stupid Social Conditioning. Yes, not everybody will be of the same mind here. I know these topics can get rather touchy, and the reasoning why. LOL....
Yes, swinging and sharing somebody. Hard limits for people. Watersports, that is a common limit for many as well. I've done watersports but to a limited degree to where I want to go, and I'm not into pissing into a cup and making somebody drink. OK, I'm just another Sicko here. These two things, though have become a bit of a deal breaker for me.
Bad enough, that Knife play is hard limit for people. Some people have this evil notion it means carving them up like a turkey. I enjoy knife play, the activitiy is and can be rather diverse in itself. Verbal Humilation, God, I love that to death at times. I can get very very very let's say.. I Love to Push limits on that one. Not a place that some can deal with.
I have an interest in exploring a little needle play! Labia's and Needles! you get the picture. It's bad enough I have this thing for Lancets, pricking somebody. Yes, it makes one bleed. No Blood as a limit. Again, another limit. I'm not looking at slashing somebody up with deep cuts. Still, Needle play on Labia's had been on my brain some. I honestly don't know, the true extent that I would or can go with needle play. It's something I don't have a lot of experience with. Now Lancets, I'm perfectly comfortable with Jabbing myself or anybody else with. Prick Prick Prick...
Things such as Gas Masks, I really could care less about one way or another. There are activities I have listed that are not deal breakers for me. They are simply tools in my play chest.
There is a part of me that Misses the Freedom, and the peace. I'm not saying I'm a loveless person, but the aspects of Freedom and Peace in many ways mean more to me then Love. I went on the quest of picking love over a lifestyle, the series of events that unfolded were not good. There was no Freedom and There was No peace. For me, in many ways, there was no sanity.
I'd rather be with a like minded Domme or with a slave. Only in those two states have I discovered Freedom and Peace.
Don't care if it's, a kinky activity, me playing music out in a band, to the small little things I do in life. It's a matter of freedom and the peace that comes along with it. There are other aspects as well. It's difficult at times to fully express one thing without getting into another facet.
There's a lot a great things that can be said for having clarity and understanding and structure in a relationship. Something that is organized and structured.
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