Mentorship!? (Full Version)

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KnightofMists -> Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 7:55:27 PM)

so... do you see value in mentorship?  Is always good?  is it always bad?  or maybe it's good sometimes and bad sometimes?

when do you think it is good?... when do you think it is bad?

have you been mentored?  do you want to mentor others? do you want to be mentored?

any other thoughts of mentorship in the lifestyle?



Kalista07 -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 7:57:46 PM)

Knight,
i'm sure this is not where You intended this post to go, but i really wish that He had a mentor, as does He. i think mentoring is something that has assisted me in almost every area of my life. i have had many unofficial mentors thoughout my life in various areas.
Kali



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 8:01:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
so... do you see value in mentorship? 

As a concept?  Yes.  As a practice within the kink world?  Rarely.

quote:

 Is always good?  is it always bad?  or maybe it's good sometimes and bad sometimes?

When it's done well, it's good.
quote:


when do you think it is good?... when do you think it is bad?

I think it's good when everyone goes into really understand what theya re doing, why they are doing it, what they want to get out of it, keeps to the boundaries, and eventually the mentee no longer needs the mentor.
quote:


have you been mentored?  do you want to mentor others? do you want to be mentored?

Nope, nope nope.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1577017/mpage_1/key_mentor/tm.htm#1577857
mentors (3)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_519882/mpage_1/key_mentoring/tm.htm#519990
What exactly is a mentor supposed to do for/with a submissive?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_95421/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#95421
Mentors/Protectors for newbies dom/domme?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_139851/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#139851
Out of my depth, patience and its virtues

http://www.collarchat.com/m_149477/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#149477
My advice for novice female submissives

http://www.collarchat.com/m_210166/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#210166
Mentors, what are they and how do they help?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_283883/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#283883
Mentors

http://www.collarchat.com/m_493886/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#493886
Mentors (2)




KCherry -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 8:02:51 PM)

I think you can watch others and learn from them without a specific "mentor" per se. Using the community in general as a foundation to build what works for you. I do, however, think having someone to start off with is a great way to feel more comfortable. Maybe like a buddy, not always someone with much more experience than you. I am certainly not against having a mentor but I find that it is a concept often used to take advantage of the inexperienced. In this situation I would think it is whatever works best for the person in question, if they feel they need a mentor and find someone they can trust then great! If not I don't think they are at too much of a disadvantage as long as they are smart.



FangsNfeet -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 8:04:51 PM)

I'm always willing and eager to learn both new and improved methods to make a scene  more fluent for me and my sub. However, that does not mean that someone needs to show me how to do a certain function by demonstrating it on my sub. She's mine, all mine, and that's all there is to it.  



BitaTruble -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 8:08:34 PM)



so... do you see value in mentorship? Yes

Is always good?  No

is it always bad?  No

or maybe it's good sometimes and bad sometimes? Sounds about right to me.

when do you think it is good?

As a mentor, it feels good to give something back for all that I've gained. As someone who has been mentored, a third party, objective viewpoint may see things I've missed myself.

... when do you think it is bad?

When the two parties are incompatible, when one or the other has a hidden agenda, when a mentor tries to lead someone instead of show them various options or when someone being mentored fails to seek other diverse opinions or fails to make their own decisions expecting a mentor to make those decisions for them.  

have you been mentored?  Yes

do you want to mentor others? I do mentor others.

do you want to be mentored? Yes

any other thoughts of mentorship in the lifestyle?

I think it's often dismissed as 'never' a good thing which is a shame.
 
Celeste




MissSCD -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 8:09:37 PM)

Mentoring can be a good and bad thing.  I started with a Mentor who I still speak with occassionaly.  The only problem is that he always wants more.   For example, he lead me into being a Domme, but to him, I am his sub. 
It just won't happen anymore. 
I have been around for a while and can spot a mentor that is using "questionable" practices; however, youngsters coming into the life can be mislead by the Video Mentor.
 
Regards, MissSCD



Sandyshores29718 -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 8:18:02 PM)

i have a Mentor which is a good friend of mine.  At the moment Wwe havent saw each other in a couple weeks, but if i have a question He's always there to try His best to answer.  Also, Hes helpping me explore some limits.  What a lot of people seem to not understand is that you can play without having sex, which is what Wwe do.  Its been wonderful for me cause when i need a Dom to tell me no so i wont do something all i do is ask Him. lol  But we are friends outside of BDSM, so its a great deal of help!  Its nice to just have a cup of coffee with someone for 3hrs and talk life, BDSM, and anything under the sun.



themischievous1 -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 8:30:48 PM)

I see great value in mentorship, especially the ethical kind led by a person of integrity. Mentorship can be good, bad, and a variety of in between. Again, it depends on the person doing the mentoring, their motives and intent. It's bad when a mentor's motive is completely self centered and self absorbed and when the individual doing the mentoring is lacking in adequate conscience development to the extent that he/she becomes unethical in their dealings with the subject in question. And many do. It's a challenge to find a person of character willing to mentor another and it is that character that makes all the difference in the world to the one mentored.

A person's mentor can be the first person who establishes trust with them and thus it is the first real introduction to the kind of trust that probably should occur between a dom and sub, for example. A mentor looks after their charge and protects, scrutinizes, and teaches.

I've been mentored when I first became aware of D/s, BDSM online. I had experienced it to a degree in vanilla life but didn't know it had an actual label; still I was very newbie when I found the D/s chatrooms online on AOL. Various people pointed me over to the now defunct "Castlerealm.com" but that was certainly no subsitute for a good mentoring relationship. A very sadistic, as real as they come "Master" took over my teachings online from afar, a few cities away. He was extremely experienced, and for the most part, trustworthy. Our relationship took place on the telephone, through email and instant messages. It was a wonderful, safe introduction to all of this for me. Of course, I promptly fell in love with the man, but he being who he was, didn't take advantage. I'll love him forever for that and I'll always admire him. He knew he was far too sadistic for me to ever be my dom in person and thus I was only truly his student and he my teacher without the physical aspect of things. I learned much from that individual. He was truly a master and an honorable man, and I'll forever be grateful for the time he spent with me.

[edited for spelling]



softpjOS -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 8:38:57 PM)

Yes, i have been mentored and i absolutely see both the pros and cons of it. 
 
Some learn best from one on one learning, and for them, finding someone willing to mentor is a wonderful thing. 
 
One of the obvious downsides being those that aren't truly wishing to teach, but using being a "mentor" as a means to prey on others.
 
Personally, i would see more good in discussion groups, as a sub group of say a local munch, where the more experienced spent a few hours a month talking to those that have questions; in greater detail then is allowed at a (public venue) munch.  Something i'm actually working on putting into place with the munch Mistress and i attend.  An "unoffical" mentor group as opposed to one on one. 



ExSteelAgain -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 8:46:04 PM)

Well, it’s been awhile since we hit on this one. I guess everyone has all their old answers saved up. The thing is that we could be talking about a Dom mentoring a Dom or a sub mentoring a sub, but you probably mean a Dom mentoring a sub. See how I remember the old posts.

Cutting to the core question fast, my problem is that I’ve never seen a Dom mentor a sub where he didn’t eventually end up fucking her. Not once. He may have first flogged her and spaced her to get her started in things, but then he fucked her. Get past that stonewall and I’ll have an open mind.

I think when we were last on this discussion, I compromised and said that many Doms may not intend to fuck the mentored, but it just happens that they grow into a relationship where it’s proper. Okay, I’ll be a nice guy and say again that can happen, but it’s kind of going around my stonewall.



subtee -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 8:55:50 PM)

So, would it be better if the mentee was mentored by the same sex?



ExSteelAgain -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 9:13:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

So, would it be better if the mentee was mentored by the same sex?



Possibly, but that oftens ends up with her Dom "showing you." I'm not taking up for any description of it. I was simply pointing out there are all forms of mentoring. By the way, thanks for spelling mentee. I would have guessed mentoree or something like that.



shiazn03 -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 9:24:27 PM)

heh, my first official posting on the forums, yay! please forgive me if it's inarticulate or unorganized.  i have my moments, this certainly isn't one of them, lol! :P

am i being mentored? i most certainly am! [:D] during which time i've found out ALOT about the lifestyle and learned a few things about myself as well.  yknow, you can pick up a book and search through google and read or watch all about the lifestyle, but it doesn't come close to seeing and experiencing it your own self in real time and real life.  and being under mentorship gives me the sense of confidence (not to mention a great deal of protection) i need to experience anything in the lifestyle.  it makes me feel that i can learn what i want to in the lifestyle under watchful eyes.  it really is a wonderful feeling to me.

i value my mentorship very, very much! before it, i was literally wandering about the lifestyle aimlessly.  i wasn't sure what it was all about because different people tell me different things and "guide" me in the direction they feel is the way to live the lifestyle.  the great thing about me having two wonderful Mentors (an experienced Master and Mistress), actually, its really Them graciously allowing me under Their wings [:)], is that They are unbiased in Their own ways.  yes, of course, i'm sure They have Their own way of the lifestyle They prefer to live, however, the thing i value most is that They do not force Their views on me.  They allow me to learn the different varieties of things in the lifestyle (i'm still learning, still such a big novice) and choose on my own what i prefer or not.  it's great because it doesn't put any pressure on me or make me worry that i ever have to change anything about myself in order to "fit" Their ways.  They like me for who i am, just nudging me (that's ME, not some girl that will turn into what They might want in the future) and pushing me into the direction that They know is a learning experience for me.  it's a great feeling for me and i will keep saying it over and over again.  [:D]

when do you think it is good? any time i am learning something is good.  is it always good?  hm...it can be scary, the littlest things can make it nerve wracking for me (this is where the feeling of being protected comes in), but broadening my horizons and opening my mind to other things is always a good thing.  if i choose to dislike it, then it is my choice and i know that They are not disappointed of me for doing or not doing something.  They respect me for it and i, in turn, respect Them all that much more.  when do you think it is bad? any time i have to part with Them.  plain and simple.  i dont get any feelings where i'm put under too pressure or whatnot, cuz that's totally against Their style of teaching.  or that i'm not learning the right things because i trust Them with all my heart n' guts.  [8D]

any other thoughts of mentorship in the lifestyle? hm...just a thoughtful note that i'm really, really grateful for finding wonderful friends in the lifestyle.  i swear i will never take them for granted! i understand that some people are not so lucky and my heart goes out to them...

--jen. [:D] (i swear this smiley looks so asian to me...oops! should i not have said that? hehe.)

ps: thank you LuckyAlbatross for your wonderful and very very helpful links! :D



subtee -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 9:24:55 PM)

It's kinda fascinating to me, as I've never had a relationship like that. I'm certain it does get abused, but it's cool to hear it works too.



Sandyshores29718 -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 9:27:44 PM)

i would say that while Sir and i have came VERY close a couple times to having sex..VERY  Never has He asked for His own pleasure other than beating this girl. It takes a couple of very strong people to not have sex even though a scene includes sexual touching. He and i are more interesting and helpping me test my limits and Sir doesnt want me to think Hes only there for a fuck.



TethersEnd -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 10:13:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

so... do you see value in mentorship?  Is always good?  is it always bad?  or maybe it's good sometimes and bad sometimes?

when do you think it is good?... when do you think it is bad?

have you been mentored?  do you want to mentor others? do you want to be mentored?

any other thoughts of mentorship in the lifestyle?


I was blessed with a wonderful Mentor shortly after arriving at CM, so my experiances with one is all I could have hoped for.  Considering I've been around here a while (nuther name then) I am pleased to say that my mentor is STILL a Mentor, and now a friend I really treasure.  I dont know that I'm good Mentor material but I know with the guidance he has given me I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin, I've learned to trust myself. 

I think IF someone is lucky enough to find a Mentor with whom they click who has what they need and the patience to hang in there with no return we could all use one. 



SimplyMichael -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 10:36:07 PM)

Think priests and little boys...except the odds are worse.



dcnovice -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 10:39:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Think priests and little boys...except the odds are worse.


You're painting with a pretty broad brush there, Michael. Do you know what percentage of priests actually messed around with little boys?



Skully7000 -> RE: Mentorship!? (4/15/2008 11:16:40 PM)

so... do you see value in mentorship? 
"see" being the key word. OF course... There is Value in any experience assuming you are trying to learn.


Is always good?  is it always bad?  or maybe it's good sometimes and bad sometimes?
Personally I think there are two very big factors and one smaller factor.
a)Whats around you.
b) Who is the mentor and what's their experience AND do they have any ability to actually teach/pass on their knowledge.
c)mini Factor: how willing are you to be Mentored? (assuming you wouldn't have a mentor if you didn't want one)

when do you think it is good?...
I think having a mentor is more important in a smaller scene where there is not as formal of an educational group... having someone you can turn to. who you trust and who you can establish a teacher/student relationship with...would be more important when you are not quite sure how high the quality of information is, when it is coming from different sources.

when do you think it is bad?
In a major city enviorment that has a respected educational system in place(for example I live in North East NJ and travel to NYC so i'm privvy to TES as well as several other smaller educational groups. in which case the sheer volume of information that is being presented by nationally recognized educators as well as local educators that have there material reviewed by fellow board members etc.

in this case I would worry that having a mentor could Hurt. b/c I would worry that mentor may dissuade something based on their own beliefs and not allow the student to safely find their own way. (basically push their beliefs onto the student)
plus I've always been a fan of learning everything I can from everyone I can. I can attend the same exact class taught by 3 different people and learn something different in each.


have you been mentored? 

I'm starting to be mentored...but only because I live and work with a very respected Dom. we are both very similar and as such I get to learn from him as we just sit around and shoot the shit... but since we spend so much time together its starting to fall towards an actual mentoring.

do you want to mentor others?
While I don't claim to be an expert on anything... I'm always trying to impart my knowledge on anyone that would like to learn from me. I'm also starting to get involved with teaching...I am not saying it to be Cocky or arrogant but I have a background in teaching and have a high passion for learning. and I'm at the right point where some of the teachers are getting less interested in teaching and as a Younger gentlman I'm in a good position to start.

do you want to be mentored?
in addition to what i mentioned above... I've already clashed with my "mentor" on certain things...but I'm believe its due to different tastes rather then different oppinions on what is "right"

any other thoughts of mentorship in the lifestyle?

Mentoring is like college. A great way to grow up in (our) world, but you have to make sure you choose one that is right for you. You also have to decide if a mentor in general is NOT right for you. there are other ways to grow up.

Cheers
Skully

P.S.  as I stated: I'm from an area with a big educational group. so when I mentioned my oppinion on having a mentor in area's where there are not as Formal an educational group... I'm giving my thoughts based on the fact that I've never been involved in a smaller scene like that. To me a Munch is a meet-up... there really isn't much education there. you go to the classes for that. I've heard on this board that some munches include round tabel discussions... which are great..(they are one of the things "TES" was built on and somethign I do enjoy..but again thats part of the class not a munch) ... so point being: I'm making assumptions about smaller scenes.



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