quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael


What DesFIP said is good advice except the following.

quote:

  It is your responsibility to say straight out "If you didn't want this, why didn't you say so?" and "I am seriously furious with you deliberately ruining my one evening out for the week. How dare you?"

If you had an issue that you were trying to fix, does the above seem like how you would like to be treated? Is it thhe sort of advice a love one would give?  You need to make it safe for him to be vulnerable, us big bad doms don't want to be thought of as defective.  She is right that  you address it clearly but why not try doing it this way...

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Still looking for one that can help me with my overwhelming modesty.

quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella

Sir says he made sure to be on his best behavior before and that he made the effort not to let me see that side of him.  He says he feels completely comfortable with me now and believes that is why it comes out more.  He was worried that if i saw his "dark side" that i would not want to be in a relationship with him.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Herein  lies the problem with clingons. They won't move on till they become bitter towards all Doms and the lifestyle in general.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: lanie38

I find it hard to believe that in  two years his passive aggressive behavior never came to light??!!
But that being said...if he deliberately hid part of his personality from you than, for me at least, the original agreement is null and void and the relationship is up for renegotiation...

Yea that's my thinking.  For whatever reason she has finally picked up its a "glaring issue"  and I need to "change Him".  And of course now that the honeymoon period is over.  It's all his fault.  I don't have advice for someone who after 2 years determines that his behaviour is "suddenly unacceptable" 

BadOne

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

You need to make it safe for him to be vulnerable, us big bad doms don't want to be thought of as defective. She is right that you address it clearly but why not try doing it this way...

It is your responsibility to say straight out "I love you and would eat almost anywhere you asked but you let me choose, is there somewhere you would prefer we go?" and "This is my one evening out for the week, it is really important to me, lets work together to make it wonderful, now what can we do together that we both enjoy. I love you!"

It is important not to accuse using "You" statements. Rather than "you ruined it" say "I am sad".  The first way makes someone defensive the second asks for their help or sympathy.  Make it clear you want to listen but that he must ask or say what he wants with clarity.  Perhaps when he is being passive (and hell, I think sometimes we want a break and ARE letting someone else choose) say "honey, I will eat anywhere, are  you sure this is where you want to go?" 

In short, you have to provide the safe place for him to learn how to ask for what he wants.  I know for me, I could ask "gee honey, I am going to fuck your ass and mouth in some random order" but had trouble saying "no I don't want to go to the store with you" or "I need a hug".

quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella

Sir says he made sure to be on his best behavior before and that he made the effort not to let me see that side of him.  He says he feels completely comfortable with me now and believes that is why it comes out more.  He was worried that if i saw his "dark side" that i would not want to be in a relationship with him.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum


Yea that's my thinking.  For whatever reason she has finally picked up its a "glaring issue"  and I need to "change Him".  And of course now that the honeymoon period is over.  It's all his fault.  I don't have advice for someone who after 2 years determines that his behaviour is "suddenly unacceptable" 

BadOne

Hummmm..so how long is acceptable, a time frame, to be able to call certain behaviors unacceptable???..one week?, one month? one year?..then what?..the warranty runs out?.....Tempting

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

One last thing to note...it is noted quite often in various articles about women and "bad boys" that part of the attraction to bad boys is the inherent nature of women to be attracted to behavior that they "know" they can change.  The attraction is the "challenge".  Whether you disagree or not with that assessment, one thing my friends and I have noted is that there is something akin to the "white knight" syndrome present in a lot of women...they discover a flaw in their partner (it may have been there all along but, as the "Bum" put it, not noticed until the end of the honeymoon period OR it may be a new problem) and they just know they can change it.  I have said it before...you can let him know that you are aware of it, that when he behaves in that manner you feel a certain way, and  you can look at options...together...for changing said behavior.  But no one has any business acting as their partner's therapist.  And perhaps it is just me but...for all the help that a submissive can be to their partner (and we have all seen examples of that posted on these boards by the submissives and their dominants), that help is directed, at least initially, by the dominant or O.K.d by them...there is something a bit squicky about the submissive acting as the therapist, the white knight to the dominant-as-damsel-in-distress.

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

One last thing to note...it is noted quite often in various articles about women and "bad boys" that part of the attraction to bad boys is the inherent nature of women to be attracted to behavior that they "know" they can change.  The attraction is the "challenge".  Whether you disagree or not with that assessment, one thing my friends and I have noted is that there is something akin to the "white knight" syndrome present in a lot of women...they discover a flaw in their partner (it may have been there all along but, as the "Bum" put it, not noticed until the end of the honeymoon period OR it may be a new problem) and they just know they can change it.  I have said it before...you can let him know that you are aware of it, that when he behaves in that manner you feel a certain way, and  you can look at options...together...for changing said behavior.  But no one has any business acting as their partner's therapist.  And perhaps it is just me but...for all the help that a submissive can be to their partner (and we have all seen examples of that posted on these boards by the submissives and their dominants), that help is directed, at least initially, by the dominant or O.K.d by them...there is something a bit squicky about the submissive acting as the therapist, the white knight to the dominant-as-damsel-in-distress.

I agree that people who have a physical and or emotional connection should not try to be a therapist to their partner.  But I don’t agree that when a submissive calls bullshit on bad behavior (in dulcet tones, of course) he or she is acting as a counselor.

quote:

   
And I also see what you call the white knight syndrome in women a little differently..  Sometimes we are more accepting of foibles in the beginning of a relationship.  We don’t have an active plan to change the person, as such,  rather a passive hope the behaviors will change on their own over time.  Of course that doesn’t happen, and so our view changes and we are less tolerant.  Nor do I believe that only women do this.

quote:

Your last sentence really surprised me.  I believe that as faulty humans, dominants can certainly be in distress.  If the submissive is capable of kicking some ass to get the problem corrected are you saying you prefer he/she remain passive until the dominant asks for help? 

quote:

 If I did not make that clear, I hope this does so.  

quote:

  Help?  Always.  The submissive "kicking his ass" to get him to work on it?  No.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

i have no opinion on this issue one way or another.....However, i will tell You that one of the best formulas for communicating i learned goes like this:

i feel  _________(use feeling word)

When you ____________ (behavior)

Because ____________ (why do you feel that way)

Next time please __________ (request for change).

I'll give you a hint, when you are beginning to use this if you catch yourself saying things like "i feel like" or "i feel that" or even "i feel you" those are thoughts....not feelings..

good luck,
Kali

*edited to add* One of the best things about this line of communication is, in my experience, it eliminate the room for manipulation.  It's straightforward and to the point. It also takes responsibility for your feelings...might be worth a try.