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hissweetbella -> RE: honor, integrity, and being manipulated (4/15/2008 11:11:12 AM)
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Wow... thanks for all the responses! It got really busy and i wasn't able to reply to any of them until now, but i will try and answer all the questions that have been asked.
First, yes, a few of the passive-aggressive traits did show up before, but they are small and i can handle those. Little things, like being perpetually late, not calling when he says he will, even the grumbling about not doing/getting what he really wanted when he left the decision up to me. Those things just don't bother me all that much in the grand scheme of things. Sure, they can be aggravating at the moment, but i love him and there are just so many more things we could do other than fuss and argue about them. At the time, i honestly thought that was all there was to it, and didn't really bother to slap the PA label to the behaviors because they weren't all that troubling. i didn't ask too many questions about his past relationships or interact with his friends and family until just recently, and now, i regret that. *Always, always, always, find out about the past!* He does shift the vast majority of blame for the failure of previous relationships onto his past partners, but when listening to him, i can see why they acted as they did. i would be willing to bet anything that it was because they were so frustrated that they didn't see any other way to be heard.
What has come to light in the past few months is far more upsetting. Sir has begun to manipulate (his word) things so that i am not always able to voice my concerns or thoughts. For example, if something is bothering me and i try to speak with him about it - very gently and quietly and NOT in an accusing way - right in the middle of a word or sentence he will grab me and kiss me, physically holding me in place if i try to pull away to finish my sentence and continue to repeat as often as i try to talk about the subject. It doesn't feel good to have physical intimacy used like that to shut me up. Or, he will turn it around on me, even to the point of accusing me of misrepresenting myself or playing games. It is enough to make me want to pull out my hair at times! i try to steer the conversation back on a path of direct communication, but he's much more practiced at this game than i am or ever want to be.
He knows from experience over the past two years that i don't bring up trivial things. i have proven i can and will let little things go. It doesn't seem to matter how i approach him, he always says he is willing and open to hearing me, but then, if it is something he doesn't like hearing, he will stop the conversation in some way, but NEVER by saying simply, "I don't want to talk about this."
Yes, it does feel like he did the bait and switch thing. He promised a lot, and still will talk about those promises, but i failed to get a definite time line from him before commiting to him and now i am afraid it was all just a carrot on a stick. i'm not sure how to stand my ground, refuse to play the game, call him on his behavior, and still maintain the level of respect i wish to show him. At the same time, i refuse to be complicit in the continuation of the worst parts of his behavior, for to do so will eventually destroy the relationship and i love him too much to allow myself to be a part of it's destruction.
Sir has talked about getting therapy occasionally. He has seen a counselor in the past, but says he had a very negative experience. On one hand, he does admit to being both PA and manipulative, but on the other, he has a tendency to use the "Dom card" to avoid the consequences, at least with me. i am looking for concrete ways to not let this happen and to support him and encourage him while retaining the dynamic of our relationship.
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