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RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 11:07:32 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Floggings4You
There's no way to know how long the search for a partner will take--or what form the partner might take!

See, that is where I think that the first mistake is often made. They SEARCH for a partner. They have this picture of this "box" in their head that they want that person to fit into, then they go about searching to find someone they can cram in there.

I don't know that searching results in relationships that often honestly. Maybe it does for some. In my own experience though, the best relationships just kind of happen. You meet someone you find you click with.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Floggings4You)

Post #: 21

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 12:30:37 PM

Poetryinpain

Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline

I've seen many examples on here of partnerships that work. Mercnbeth, Darcy and the.dark, MoGa and her delightful pup, and oh, so many more (oh, yeah - SimplyMichael and BSB). Yeah, I sometimes have to quell a surge of jealousy at those happy people.

But I have a life. I have friends, and I have activities that fill my time with joy. I am looking for employment that will fulfill my need to be useful and productive. If somewhere along the way I meet a man who grabs my heart and complements my qualities and desires, then all well and good. If I don't meet anyone, then ah, well, it wasn't to be. I don't beat myself up about it, and I've stopped trying to figure out if there's anything 'wrong' with me. If I am happy with myself, that's what counts.

Excellent thread, even though it was born of a sleepless and painful night. Take care and get better.

pip, long-distance [hugs]

_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 22

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 1:06:21 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Greetings erin.

Truth be told, I was about to post something very similar to this, but I was going to call Mine, "Doesn't anybody just play anymore?" I might post it still, because that is where My mind is just now.

I wonder, Myself, sometimes, what ever happened to just ever having fun in this sort of life? I can't exactly put My finger on it, but I often think of how I learned about a lot of My topping skills. There was that thrill of a new toy, the time spent on practicing on an object, and then finally expanding into playing with another person. To feel that rush together. To have that excitement.

At times, I think it is a lost art. Too few are interested in what might be experienced in the moment. To have that pivital, positive moment in time, where it is just all about the play. Not what is found on the net, or by written research. Instead, to find that thing, that one thing, that might not compare to anything else a person might have encountered. That joy, that love, that acceptance can be found. It is there in one shining moment in time.

Unfortunately, too many will never seek it outside of their own front door.

(I'm addressing the thought of "just play" in the OP- not directing it at the poster. Good topic, btw :)

Perhaps people don't "just play" because of the human element they are playing with. People get emotionally involved especially when they make themselves so vulnerable. So for those that want to "just play".. go bowling.. play baseball ..., because the object of your attentions (bowling balls and baseballs) will not mind being put back on the shelf when you are done with them.

I won't entirely disagree. Casual play isn't for everybody, just like casual sex isn't for everybody. Don't misunderstand that I am saying those two things are equals. They aren't and when I say anything about casual play, it's not where I'm talking about intercourse.

I'll even go so far as to say there are people who can't engage in either casual play or casual sex without feeling instantly emotional about the other person involved. In those instances, BOOM, they figure instant relationship. More often than not, this is where those 'he hasn't called', 'what is he thinking', 'how do I fall for these types' posts tend to come from. Care to discuss velcro collars while we're on the subject?

However, some of us do understand that sex doesn't necessarily equal love, and playing doesn't necessarily mean an eternal bond. If a person is able to handle it, I say go for it. I see it as no different that our vanilla counterparts dating before entering a serious relationship.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 23

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 1:28:43 PM

atursvcMaam

Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: Floggings4You
There's no way to know how long the search for a partner will take--or what form the partner might take!

See, that is where I think that the first mistake is often made. They SEARCH for a partner. They have this picture of this "box" in their head that they want that person to fit into, then they go about searching to find someone they can cram in there.

I don't know that searching results in relationships that often honestly. Maybe it does for some. In my own experience though, the best relationships just kind of happen. You meet someone you find you click with.

   There is an old, old joke that says, "i don't want to marry for money, i am just going to hang around with rich people until i fall in love with one"
     in my humble experience, it seems more likely to find a Woman who appreciates my desires here, or at a lifestyle event or area than to have it "just happen." i have gotten fully and completely involved in the vanilla world, honestly to my satisfaction, but as i look for a new relationship, it would help me to find someone who could understand and accept my desires as other than "wierd"
       i am not looking casually, it is not my nature. (my "one night stands" tend, in general to last years. lifestyle or vanilla) and tend to include all phases of life, not just play. i enjoy play, sex, and togetherness at all levels, not just that "we just met" thrill, but it is disappointing when one realizes that a partner does not share those desires, and it takes a lot of sizzle out if the kinks one has have first to be explained, and then get dismissed as "wierd". especially if they seem fairly mild in this environment.
     i hope not to appear that i am whining, i am not unhappy with any of those folks in my life who have brought me to that understanding, and have enjoyed the education, and always look to learn more. my goal here is to meet like-minded folks with complementary desires. i do realize that i will not appeal to all, or even to many. That, so it seems, is how life works.
      Now that should be enough to put you to sleep, and i hope that you feel better.

_____________________________

live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse when you die.
Love ya, but, when the zombies start chasing us, i am tripping you.
The glass is always full, the question is, "with what?"

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 24

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 2:06:18 PM

oblige

Posts: 38
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline

I love Erin's OP! I was on here about a year ago for my first time, and also attended some local events. As a newly realized submissive, I was a bit overwhelmed, so I took down my profile and went inward some to integrate my newfound, often confusing feelings and needs. I followed the wisdom of a few local D/s people who took me under thier wing a bit as a single woman, and studied up--a lot. Now, I am back, much clearer, not at all needy, still single and very happy to make new friends.

I realize I gained some self management skills as well as "how to talk to Dominants" skills, so I can go to munches and events, make friends, and ocaisionally bottom and explore my kinks. (minus intense intimacy or sex) I guess I found that exploring is a good way to learn, and no need to fret so about having a mate to do so with yet. If a potential partner shows up, great, and if not, my life is richer and my confidence greater than it has ever been due in part to the TIME I took for myself. Be well, ~oblige

_____________________________

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go." (TS Elliot)

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 25

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 2:27:46 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: atursvcMaam
There is an old, old joke that says, "i don't want to marry for money, i am just going to hang around with rich people until i fall in love with one"
    in my humble experience, it seems more likely to find a Woman who appreciates my desires here, or at a lifestyle event or area than to have it "just happen." i have gotten fully and completely involved in the vanilla world, honestly to my satisfaction, but as i look for a new relationship, it would help me to find someone who could understand and accept my desires as other than "wierd"
      i am not looking casually, it is not my nature. (my "one night stands" tend, in general to last years. lifestyle or vanilla) and tend to include all phases of life, not just play. i enjoy play, sex, and togetherness at all levels, not just that "we just met" thrill, but it is disappointing when one realizes that a partner does not share those desires, and it takes a lot of sizzle out if the kinks one has have first to be explained, and then get dismissed as "wierd". especially if they seem fairly mild in this environment.
    i hope not to appear that i am whining, i am not unhappy with any of those folks in my life who have brought me to that understanding, and have enjoyed the education, and always look to learn more. my goal here is to meet like-minded folks with complementary desires. i do realize that i will not appeal to all, or even to many. That, so it seems, is how life works.
     Now that should be enough to put you to sleep, and i hope that you feel better.

There is a difference between hanging out in places where lifestyle gather in the hopes that one day you may meet someone you click with and coming to a site like this or a lifestyle event with the goal of meeting someone who will match your laundry list of qualifications. I agree with you that it is more likely to meet a partner best suited to you in a place full of lifestyle folks...if indeed that is the type of partner you hope to one day have. However, I think that all too often people get so consumed by the NEED to have a partner that they set out with that as the only goal, instead of just meeting people and letting things follow a natural course. It's like they have to have it and they have to have it right now, so they end up hooking up with whoever is available that appeals to them on any level and then trying to charm, cajole or force them into becoming their "dream ______". Generally though, their "dream _____" is a far cry different from who that person really "is" but instead of accepting them for who they really are, what follows is all kind of manipulation, frustration, resentment and disappointment.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

Post #: 26

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 2:28:20 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I didn't go out blithely without any expectations of my future partner. I had a lot of qualifications on my list, things that I needed either him to have or not have. Because I know that I need most of this list fulfilled to respect a possible partner. Because I knew what I needed, what I respond to, what I respect, what turns me on, I was able to screen people quickly without any bad experiences.

I needed a man with no anger problems. I must have spent hours asking The Man about the last time he was furious, why it happened, why it hasn't happened since, what his response is in anger provoking situations etc. Because I know I have zero respect for people who use their anger to control others. And yes, I do believe that the decision to become angry is just that. I've seen PETA types screaming obscenities at 80 year old ladies wearing fur coats but I've never seen one go up to a 300lb biker all in leather and do that. They choose who to attack based on who is vulnerable.

I needed a man who had ums of his own and who was devoted to his as I am devoted to mine. I have known too many men who treat their ums carelessly or uncaringly and who still expect the mother to love them despite their ill treatment of the ums. Usually they're shocked when served with divorce papers. Somebody who didn't pay support, didn't make time to take them to visit colleges, didn't know or care about what was going on in their lives is not a person I can admire or like.

I won't go as far as demanding someone conforms to the size of the box, but I did know roughly the size and shape of the box and looked for someone like that.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to oblige)

Post #: 27

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 2:38:54 PM

oblige

Posts: 38
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline

I did not intend my post to in any way challenge yours. Yours merely sparked my thoughts and experiences in an general way, as well as Erin's did. I am new to posting here, so perhaps I should have responded to the OP and not yours. I understand and respect your experience and views also, but mistakenly did not say so. Be well, ~oblige

_____________________________

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go." (TS Elliot)

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 28

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 2:48:02 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Oblige, when you add a post on a thread using the box on the bottom, it automatically says you're responding to the post of the person who just posted. If you want to respond to someone's specific post, then at the top of their post is a box on the right saying "reply", click that and it would say to whom you were responding. Just a vagary of the cm experience!

I really should have quoted floggings4you's post to respond but I was lazy.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to oblige)

Post #: 29

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 2:59:21 PM

JANAAZ1

Posts: 43
Joined: 4/29/2006
Status: offline

This is the first time I have actually posted a comment..but, this topic is definetly the one I feel I HAVE TO RESPOND TO.....I have been ( In Consideration) with a Dominant for the past couple of months... I'm fairly new to this lifestlye, so wasn't / still am not quite sure what is "normal" treatment by a Dom...I understand that he is in control. He calls the shots... I truly do... BUT..... I feel like this man deliberately holds me down with both hands constantly, to the point that I actually feel like I have been brow beaten on a consistant basis... He knows that I'm a girly girl, that likes to wear makeup and jewerly and short skirts and high heels and thigh highs... ect.... I feel like he deliberately takes away anything and everything that makes me who I am..the very things that I find happiness with... not as a punishment, but, just to do so "because he can." I had to tell him recently, that, as crazy about him as I am / was that I walk away from this man feeling absolutely dejected and on the verge of tears.... Surely this lifestyle is about finding happiness and contentment, not strictly about being 'bullied' and put down...I am soooo confused now... I don't even know if this lifestlye is for me anymore... and, yet, I find myself coming back to this site, as apposed to the vanilla dating sites, because, I AM DRAWN TO IT...Maybe you are experiencing the total negative aspects that I am being subjected to... I don't know if its because a Dom feels the need to break a Submissive down to their core and then rebuild them as they wish or what.. but, honestly, reading your post was like reading about myself and my experience in this lifestyle.... Surely there are Doms out there that can be the Dominant one to their Submissive without tearing them to shreds in the process.... I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR OTHER Dominants and Masters view of this issue.... I really would.......

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 30

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 3:16:45 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

when i met my Sir, i was brand spanking (pun intended) new to the lifestyle, and had absolutely no preconceptions about the lifestyle. And i really think this worked in my favour - when i was married, i had my mother and fathers template to follow - wheither it worked for me or not!!!! And it didn't.

With my Sir, we worked out a life plan as we went. He may have had a template in his head, but because i didn't it wasn't a problem. Because i am not subconsciously try to conform to previous experiences i am making my life new. It may be a bit nervewracking to not know what to expect at any given situation, but it sure is a lot of fun finding out - and to not have the "perfect mate" pattern is just wonderful.

i am one of the happy ones

(in reply to JANAAZ1)

Post #: 31

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 3:28:36 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Janaaz1,
Please don't take this the wrong way but your post is exactly the kind of post that rips my heart out. If you are walking away feeling as though you are less than you are when you walked in....that is a perfect example of how it should NOT be. I don't know where that "tear down to build up" stuff ever came from but I sure wish it would get lost somewhere. It's utter horseshit.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to JANAAZ1)

Post #: 32

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 3:42:07 PM

missfrillypants

Posts: 124
Joined: 4/27/2007
Status: offline

janaaz1:

just leave. you already know that's what you want to do, you just worry it means you won't find the person you're looking for.

you will.

he ought to be enhancing who and what you are, purifying it, like a jewler does with a diamond. if he doesn't like anything about who you are, your girliness or all these things he's taking away that you feel are who you are, then why would he pick you and not just the first girl that came along? i think everyone, in any lifestyle or interested in anything, deserves someone who appreciates their own nature for what it is, not just the aspect of it that plays a role such as submissive.

as far as preconcieved notions... i think people dream, and that's what brings them to things like this in the first place, so they're going to have some things they just want without rationally knowing why because they're in the dream. but it's different to get stuck on those things so much that they hurt you, or let them get away of your happiness.

< Message edited by missfrillypants -- 4/14/2008 3:43:03 PM >

(in reply to JANAAZ1)

Post #: 33

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 4:53:10 PM

JANAAZ1

Posts: 43
Joined: 4/29/2006
Status: offline

Oh, I told him that this isn't going to work for me... I got tired of walking away feeling like I had been beaten down...I know that there are truly happy Master / Sub relationships... I read about how happy the one Slave is, I can't think of her name now, but, her Master is ' The Dark, and, it makes me want to give this another try with someone else... I just haven't had any luck so far... This man made it clear to me upfront that I WAS UNDER CONSIDERATION.... I thought that meant for HIM to decide if I was a good fit for him, and, maybe he did mean that, but, I have walked away with the knowledge that, in the future, HE WILL BE UNDER MY CONSIDERATION TOO!!!!!! LOL.... Submissive or not, I can't imagine any woman wanting to be with a man that makes her feel inferior and of no importance to him. I cant imagine there even being such a lifestyle if that were the case... I can't think of many women out there that would even WANT to be in this lifestyle if it's so negative and hurtful.... But, I feel strongly enough about wanting to meet the right Dom that I will try again, I know me, I WILL....

(in reply to missfrillypants)

Post #: 34

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 5:14:39 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

The problem is, sadly, there are many who wouldn't have a clue what to do with a good relationship.

Equally as sad... some can't seem to recognize they are in a good relationship to start with.... seems the grass is always greener on the other side.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 35

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 6:22:12 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

The problem is, sadly, there are many who wouldn't have a clue what to do with a good relationship.

Equally as sad... some can't seem to recognize they are in a good relationship to start with.... seems the grass is always greener on the other side.

Isn't that the truth....both of you!

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 36

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 6:40:57 PM

atursvcMaam

Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline

Thank you, and i agree that a forced "How fast can i make this happen" can cause jumping in. it always surprises me to find that someone has "found the ONE" to shortly later be distressed that nothing seems to work out the way they expected it to.
This arena seems to lend itself to meeting "the perfect match" really quickly, it also allows to look at things with one's head, and to examine ones reality, and that of the person that matches them. it makes sense to make sense of things, not simply jump at the first opportunity. That of course is my humble opinion. Each of us has our own set of things that works.

_____________________________

live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse when you die.
Love ya, but, when the zombies start chasing us, i am tripping you.
The glass is always full, the question is, "with what?"

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 37

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 7:05:59 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I think if everyone was taught that "to be a good sub you must absolutely remain true to yourself no matter what" there would be a lot more good around (of course that's not a necessarily true statement either so I don't want that to be taught as thought it were) :)

Alas, martyrdom reigns.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

Post #: 38

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 8:34:20 PM

atursvcMaam

Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think if everyone was taught that "to be a good sub you must absolutely remain true to yourself no matter what" there would be a lot more good around (of course that's not a necessarily true statement either so I don't want that to be taught as thought it were) :)

Alas, martyrdom reigns.

Sometimes you make me think so much my brain hurts. Thank you for that. Flexibility is a great attribute for a submissive on a variety of levels. The process of learning what one's true self is is worth the effort and the journey, but it changes from time to time, and perhaps from person to person. it is good to keep an open mind, but not so open that your mind runs (or wanders) off.

< Message edited by atursvcMaam -- 4/14/2008 8:36:16 PM >

_____________________________

live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse when you die.
Love ya, but, when the zombies start chasing us, i am tripping you.
The glass is always full, the question is, "with what?"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 39

RE: Stepford people - 4/14/2008 8:53:22 PM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline

Whenever life gets hard, we cling to each other. Whenever life gets great, we cling to each other. No matter what is happening, we are one another's best friends and closest confidants. I have never been closer to another human being in my life, and I doubt I ever will again. Whether it's "twue" by anyone else's definition is of no interest to me. I know how it is, and how blessed we are, so I'll excuse myself from caring about the opinoins of others.

People in this "lifestyle" are happy. It can be beautiful, and it is.

_____________________________

Congratulate me...I'm a missus!!

--nobody's resident anything.

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

Post #: 40

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