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Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 12:04:21 AM

MagicGoddess

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline

I seem to have this problem too often and it really hurts me. This keeps happening over and over and because of this I want to give up looking.

First I want to explain the sitution and then I will ask my question

It happens I get courted till I start to really like somone,,,- then he suddenly drops me like a hot potato and refuses to take my calls..or he deletes his profile.,,etc

The last one that did this to me called me several times a day and I miss him.. I can't help it. I miss him. He called me several times a day and I really thought we were getting along and had a connection,

I go over the last thing I did or said to him over and over in my mind trying to figure out what it was I did or said wrong...or what I could have said that he might have took wrong...

In my mind I run down my list of flaws wondering what the deal breaker was.

The fact that this keeps happening to me over and over means I am doing something wrong ...or there is something wrong with me...and I would really like to know what it is so I can fix it... or be careful in the future to avoid similar misunderstandings..or be aware of the serious flaws are handicapping me...or anything that will help me avoid making whatever mistakes I am making again.

The problem is I don't know how to ask for this feedback. I have written these people asking politely what it was that turned them off..or why they suddenly stopped writting me and they just delete my emails and ignore me.

So I guess what I am really asking this forum is for help in composing a good feedback request letter?. Something that a reasonable person would respond to.
I would like to make this letter now to send to the next person that does this.

I keep getting rejected and I don't know why. And the only people who know are not talking. And maybe they are trying to avoid hurting my feelings by doing so but I am hurting anyway...

Please help

Thanks

< Message edited by MagicGoddess -- 4/13/2008 12:09:33 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 12:11:31 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Be them.

Step outside of yourself, outside of your needs and desires. Let them mirror who you are.

And then ask yourself this very simple and very complex question.

"Would I want this woman,and why?"

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to MagicGoddess)

Post #: 2

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 12:46:27 AM

LadyBug1967

Posts: 20
Joined: 2/9/2008
Status: offline

May I suggest You tell the next guy you meet and are going to date what you've just said here and ask that if the same thing should happen with you and Him that you would really appreciate Him telling you WHY He is ending the relationship if that time should come. Tell Him this is important to you and stress how important it really is on occasion and maybe, if that time does come again, He will be kind enough to end the relationship with a "Dear Jane" letter and include an explanation.

That's the only thing I can think of that might help--telling Him up front instead of waiting to write Him afterwards. Maybe you've just had a run of bad luck.

Good luck, hon. Keep looking--He's out there somewhere waiting for you!

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 3

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 1:06:35 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I understand what you are asking and why, but I am wondering if it is the wrong question. You are already preparing for failure.

I've done a lot of reading on this topic - what men love most is for a woman to need them, what men hate most is for a woman to need them. It is a true paradox. It makes it impossible for a woman to know the right balance in how needy to seem. However, being too needy is the number one reason that most men bolt.

This might be something that you could take a look at yourself for. Don't think as much of the last thing you said as HOW you said it. I'm not saying that you did anything wrong at all, but the fact that you say that this is a pattern could mean that you are subconsciously doing something that is causing it.

If you decide that it could be true, talk to the next potential about it and come out and ask Him if he WANTS to be truly needed. That's part of why my Master and I get along so well - He loves it that I need Him, but it was very hard for me to allow myself to show it. I got so used to vanilla men running from being needed.

Good luck. I hope that you find someone who doesn't stop calling.

_____________________________

(in reply to LadyBug1967)

Post #: 4

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 1:46:17 AM

MagicGoddess

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Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBug1967

May I suggest You tell the next guy you meet and are going to date what you've just said here and ask that if the same thing should happen with you and Him that you would really appreciate Him telling you WHY He is ending the relationship if that time should come. Tell Him this is important to you and stress how important it really is on occasion and maybe, if that time does come again, He will be kind enough to end the relationship with a "Dear Jane" letter and include an explanation.

That's the only thing I can think of that might help--telling Him up front instead of waiting to write Him afterwards. Maybe you've just had a run of bad luck.

Good luck, hon. Keep looking--He's out there somewhere waiting for you!

Yeah I think this is the answer. If I do it after it may seem like I am not letting go or trying to get them back or something.

< Message edited by MagicGoddess -- 4/13/2008 1:48:09 AM >

(in reply to LadyBug1967)

Post #: 5

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 1:47:50 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

hi,,

just snuk in and took a peak at your profile.. and i dont know anything about being a domme, so this might be all complete rubbish...

i think its logical to boil yourself down as the common denominator in the equation, but it isnt always the case you know. sometimes the people you are attracted to just keep on being the wrong sort. i wonder how long into the relationship and how close its getting to the meet before people drop out, could it be that they just are looking for the on-line friendship/relationship you put up on your profile and the meeting bit isnt for them.

i dont understand why they wont communicate back the problem, unless it isnt you its them and they just cant tell you that cos theyre afraid of seeming time wasters, especially when youve grown so close.

youre post comes across as thoughtful, intelligent and self-reflective all positive dominant characteristics in any subbie book, so, - i just think maybe it isnt so much you... had you thought of that possibility.

just turning the coin around a bit to look at the other side.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 6

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 1:52:41 AM

MagicGoddess

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

i wonder how long into the relationship and how close its getting to the meet before people drop out, could it be that they just are looking for the on-line friendship/relationship you put up on your profile and the meeting bit isnt for them.

Thanks for your kind supportive post. =)

Most of them are bailing before meeting. But they are telling me they don't just want an online relationship and they live really close to me.

Olny one bailed after meeting.

I am going to have to start asking them to tell me why BEFORE it ends. But I know some would still lack the consideration to do so...

< Message edited by MagicGoddess -- 4/13/2008 2:08:35 AM >

(in reply to lally3)

Post #: 7

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 2:36:06 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

I am going to have to start asking them to tell me why BEFORE it ends.

i think thats a bit bonkers! - its kind of telling them youre expecting it all to go tits-up before it does, itll make you come across as someone who has lost faith in their ability to hold a relationship together. i mean if a dom said to me...

'look love, before you ditch me, tell me why' .. id think he had no self worth or self belief in himself.

i do think that you have clearly put alot of thought into this and come up with yourself as the common denominator, but throughout all the posts going on in here the common denominator is more often than not that the sub backs out, drops out, vanishes and unless aliens have developed an insatiable taste for subs there is a powerful chance this isnt all because of you.

why dont you ask close friends or family if there are aspects of your personality that can be off putting. ill bet theyll come up with nothing much and if they hedge then youll know there is something and you can tie them up and make them tell you!

visions of your granny barrel tied over the garden mower. lol...

... sorry a tad disrespectful...

< Message edited by lally3 -- 4/13/2008 2:37:45 AM >

(in reply to MagicGoddess)

Post #: 8

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 2:45:18 AM

MagicGoddess

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline

Maybe these guys are just inconsiderate.
Sure it could be me, I am certainly not perfect. I am not really a Goddess.
Sometimes I am the rejector myself but I always send a note as to why.

I feel if I spent alot of time bonding with someone I owe them at least a backward glance and parting word.. I mean they deserve at least that.

< Message edited by MagicGoddess -- 4/13/2008 2:46:36 AM >

(in reply to lally3)

Post #: 9

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 2:46:35 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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Are you willing to give up the notion that it's always your fault in order to get past it?

Are you willing to sit and look at how your are choosing these people and see the things in common?

Are you willing to sit and look at what these people have in common and then pick a different kind of person?

Are you willing to say, "Meet me and let's have coffee," before you even start getting emotionally attached?

I think if you're willing to do all that, you'll have much better success. It's not easy being rejected. Don't assume there's something wrong with you before you try all these things. I'm betting there's nothing wrong with you...just some things wrong with how you're going about things.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to MagicGoddess)

Post #: 10

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 2:48:42 AM

MagicGoddess

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Are you willing to give up the notion that it's always your fault in order to get past it?

Are you willing to sit and look at how your are choosing these people and see the things in common?

Are you willing to sit and look at what these people have in common and then pick a different kind of person?

Are you willing to say, "Meet me and let's have coffee," before you even start getting emotionally attached?

I think if you're willing to do all that, you'll have much better success. It's not easy being rejected. Don't assume there's something wrong with you before you try all these things. I'm betting there's nothing wrong with you...just some things wrong with how you're going about things.

Master Fire

I actually did try pushing for meetings early without too much phone or emails. People don't like that. It makes them uncomfortable. But at the same time I do think that too much chat and phone can create too much emotional bonding. At least I get bonded emotionally.

I totally DO see the wisdom in saying.."hey! Let's talk on the phone briefly(like for ten mins..lol) and then arrange to meet". But some people want to just drag,... it ...out.

I guess I would feel torn between respecting their comfort level and limits and protecting myself from what I know are the pitfalls of ..well..too much phone and email.

I called a new guy today and he was on a road trip so we talked for about three hours.(oppps)

Now I realize I could have told him..." I dont like to spend too much time on the phone before meeting in person, so lets set up a date"

I DO bond and get emotionally attached with long phone conversations. So that might be something I need to watch out for and try to avoid in the future.

< Message edited by MagicGoddess -- 4/13/2008 3:14:45 AM >

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 11

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 3:13:34 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

I have the same thoughts, I tend to have brief intense relationships with the same kind of people often it ends suddenly and I always feel its down to me that it ends. I think oh what am I doing why have I upset them why didnt i do it this way or that way. But I have a theory its actually not what I do during the relationship that means that it fails rather that its the type of people that I start out with that means it never really has a chance.

I dont know what the common denominater is yet, but I am working on that, maybe you should too? I am very honest with myself about most things, I know what drives me to behave in certain ways and I am fairly good at reading people, one of my problems is that I like someone with a lot of stuff to read which means that often they have a lot of problems. Dont think that its all your fault in what you do, maybe its just a case of picking someone against type?

Maybe you do actually do somthing, so then do as leatherist said, what is it that you do? how do you act? is there some repatative pattern? Be totally honest with yourself, sometimes being overly negative is a way of protecting ourselves from actually seeing the problem and fixing it. Maybe its just that these people are idiots, in which case why do you care what they think? Often people online are like that the emotions tend to be superficial and life gets in the way. Dont be down on yourself though hun happens to us all.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to MagicGoddess)

Post #: 12

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 3:17:47 AM

MagicGoddess

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline

I know one thing is true about myself. I am not really a Goddess.I am not perfect. I have flaws. But everyone does. I know I am not a hurtful person. I am not mean or inconsiderate.

But I am starting to think this though and realize I have to protect myself better. Somehow.

< Message edited by MagicGoddess -- 4/13/2008 3:25:48 AM >

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 13

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 3:27:36 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagicGoddess

I know one thing is true about myself. I am not really a Goddess. I have flaws. But everyone does. I know I am not a hurtful person. I am not mean or inconsiderate.

Course we all have flaws, and i am sure most of us dont consider ourselves to be hurtful. I was talking to an ex the other day and they were talking about a new girl they were with and explaining how they considered themselves to be. I had to stop myself from laughing they were talking about how they considered others emotions and worked based on that how they didnt get wrapped up in themselves, all the things that actually broke down our relationship and that I have seen in them when they talk with other people and are in other relationships. It struck me as ironic, I of course didnt say anything to them

Its easy to view ourselves on the sufrace with a blanket of its all my fault im crap without actually thinking it, deep down actually feeling the victim and believing no fault lies with us. There needs to be a happy medium, I know for example that when I get hurt in relationships i get very sarcastic and snippy and angry I know that this makes it worse, I also know that I can over think things a lot. I am trying to work on the snippy thing by actually telling people when they upset me (its not easy saying that makes you vulnerable) I am not so disillusioned however to believe that I am the only reason that relationships fail. I also dont blame the other totally. However nothing annoys me more than people who wont accept responsibilty for their actions, sometimes we fuck up you can use languge to pretend thats ok, be all accepting and say no one is to blame, well thats great but actually people do hurt other people and really accepting it is important. If the others involved in this run away and dont talk to you then they have a lot of growing up to do, that doesnt mean that you cant improve yourself.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to MagicGoddess)

Post #: 14

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 3:39:00 AM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline

I'm with colouredin. Being bluntly honest with yourself is imperitive. However, my questions are more along the lines of those I would ask myself in this same cirucmstance, some which has come up already.

Am I coming off as deeply emotionally attached too early?
Do I sound possessive/jealous/clingy too early?
Am I giving the impression that I am going to wrap my arms around his legs like a kindergartner and beg him not to leave?
Is it possible it's the choice in men?
Is it possible they're just not that into me?
Is there some common thing that I've said to each of them that makes me look nuts? Am I nuts??

(kidding...you don't seem nuts.)

As for the complete shut down in communique, well, that's just rude and I don't know why they are doing that. I wouldn't ask them up front, though...lol. To me that would sound like this, "Hey, I know we just met and are happily getting to know one another, but WHEN you are done with me, would you mind telling me why?" I don't know. Just sounds way too negative for me.

It may not be anything to do with you. Possibly they are married and cheating, scared to reveal their kink, possibly they are just stupid. {shrug} There's a lot of reasons to stop talking to someone. It could just be a dick thing. {shrug again}

If it were me, I wouldn't push for meetings. If it works, it works.

Hang in there. The upside is that if they reject you early, you won't have a divorce years from now. You'll get over the rejection more quickly, and won't loose your credit rating in the process. Rejection is not always a bad thing.

_____________________________

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(in reply to MagicGoddess)

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 3:52:22 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

This is just a mish mash of thoughts that came to me whilst reading the thread.

MagicGoddess, you do seem negative in that you expect to be rejected eventually and that somehow it is your fault. It might be a case of, probably unconsciously, you going for a "type" of guy. We are all quite capable of doing that, I've seen friends do it and I have done it myself. Take a second look at the males you seem to click with. Are they similar in any way, and I don't mean physically?

Do you come across as needy? Because I'm pretty sure that most of the time, a seemingly needy Domme will put off most submissive men. Lots of submissive men think that a Domme should be a hard assed bitch with no softness in her. They are the ones who are often stuck in the BDSM porn mindset, believing we are all unsmiling, severe, mean and bitchy women, who have no feelings whatsoever. If you show soft feelings, they may believe that you're not a "real" Domme.

Are the men you talk to and click with actually submissive? There are a whole lot of guys (and probably girls too, I'm not bi or gay, so can't really comment about that) who think D/s equals kinky sex and nothing more. They are not submissive, they are just here for sex. And before 12 billion male subs jump in and start throwing a fit, I am saying in MY experience and the experiences of my Domme friends, lots of men are here just for kinky sex and not D/s.

Do you meet with these guys in real life? Do they disappear when it comes down to the actual meeting? That happens a lot, their courage leaves them when it comes to actually meeting (some Dommes do that too, I believe).

I understand completely that you would like an explanation as to why they keep buggering off, but I'm not sure I'd trust anything they said if they DID respond. If they can disappear so easily after phoning you several times a day, they're not really trustworthy.

I haven't really got an answer for you, except to say we really DO have to kiss a lot of toads before we find our prince, so don't give up!!!

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 16

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 4:01:07 AM

MagicGoddess

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline

The only thing I can do to avoid too much emotional attachment and intensity is avoid doing the things that lead me to become attached too soon.

It is well known that internet relationships can become intense real fast. This is partly because of the anonymous part of you.
If you remove the anonymous part alot of people would back off emotionally.

I am not liking the internet for that right now. People get too close and then can't connect in person because certain lines were crossed. Or they view the other as just words on a screen and don't connect at all.

I am going to re-evaluate the persons I am talking too right now. For example: One calls me with a calling card so I don't know his number. I don't know his last name and have never seen a photo. But he spends hours telling me his deepest darkest secrets. I am safe to do that with because why...because he is hiding from me?

I think chatting and phone makes us safer physically but not emotionally. I am kinda sick of it actually. A lot of people can remain detached but I can't. I just can't. So maybe I need to stop playing with that kinda fire.

< Message edited by MagicGoddess -- 4/13/2008 4:05:37 AM >

(in reply to StormsSlave)

Post #: 17

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 4:15:51 AM

MagicGoddess

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline

Do you meet with these guys in real life? Do they disappear when it comes down to the actual meeting? That happens a lot, their courage leaves them when it comes to actually meeting (some Dommes do that too, I believe).

I understand completely that you would like an explanation as to why they keep buggering off, but I'm not sure I'd trust anything they said if they DID respond. If they can disappear so easily after phoning you several times a day, they're not really trustworthy.

I haven't really got an answer for you, except to say we really DO have to kiss a lot of toads before we find our prince, so don't give up!!!

[/quote]

Well you know..I am thinking alot about this:

Goddess has decided that the boy will be granted ONE email where he can ask me all the questions he wants and ONE ten minute phone call. After this he has to decide if he wants to meet or not.

If he wants to develop cold feet at this time.. so be it.
If he doesn't want to meet because he is not ready.. so be it
If he decides I am not good enough ...so be it

I only spent ten minutes with him.

The Goddess has spoken. Thank You.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 18

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 4:19:40 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Loving it, EXCEPT the last point: If he decides I am not good enough ...so be it

PPFFTTT, he should be so lucky!!! You need to drop that lil bit of self doubt (the not good enough bit) and you're on ya way honey!!!

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to MagicGoddess)

Post #: 19

RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 4:21:51 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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I wont even talk on the phone with someone until after we meet. I dont want any weirdo having my number. I always meet them nearby me, at a place I am comfortable at alone if they fail to show.

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(in reply to MagicGoddess)

Post #: 20

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