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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 4:24:54 AM

MissMagnolia

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Me too Lush, it's the safest way (and you don't get heavy breathing phone calls in the middle of the night).

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 4:25:42 AM

colouredin

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Its not a case of being not good enough at all, its a case of not being compatible, when you find someone worth your time you will know about it, you ARE worthwhile, "He had to wade through 50 metres of shit to come out clean on the outside" thats dating

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 5:25:43 AM

WalterRego

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First, you ARE a Goddess. Something made you choose that name, stick with it. If you think of yourself as a Goddess, subs will too.

Second, project yourself as a Goddess. I don't understand this attitude you are projecting of "not being good enough" or being abandoned etc. If you are projecting that to the men you talk to, it will be a turn off. You say that you are often contacted by subs. Any sub who contacts a Goddess wants and needs a woman who believes herself to be one and acts like it.So that he can worship or obey or serve her.

Please don't ask beforehand for a man to tell you "if" it ends why it did. That will be the kiss of death. It sets up for failure, projects that there have been failures before, predicts that there will be again. And it also puts control in the sub. If it ends, You will be the one to end it. If a sub dissappears, he was either unable to meet your criteria or never was in the first place and played his game as long as he could until he was finally forced to put up or shut up. He shut up because he was never going to put up.

In fact, it sounds a lot like you are getting a string of those. That's not your fault or does it make you any less of a Goddess. Don't get so deeply involved beforehand. If a guy seems like he would be interesting to you, set up a meet soon. Make it mandatory. Take control at the outset. If he wants to pour his heart out to you, let him do it after you've met. After you've seen that he is real and willing to come through. I think you may be being too easy on these guys, too soft, letting them tell you all their fantasies in e-mails or phone, but not yet taking the next step. Believe me, any sub who is really willing to follow through, will.

You might also want to think about adding a bit more to your profile, which at the present suggests that you would be willing to or are just interested in "making friends", chatting etc. Say a bit more about what You want, who You are looking for. Be a bit more demanding in the profile. I am not saying you need to be a bitch, but only recommending this as an antidote to what you say has been happening lately. I think you need a bit of an image change in order to lose the losers. And maybe at least for a while, cut out the somewhat sad sack journal talking about being hurt. Goddess, if anyone is going to be hurt, let it be them. (not really, but those sort of entries do not inspire confidence in a sub).

Mostly....just be that Magic Goddess. You will find yourself pulling all the submissive rabbits out of your hat that you need. Perhaps as a start, instead of looking to "hopefully find a date for the clubs and local community events", just go yourself a few times to clubs or munches. You are obviously a very attractive woman. You will meet lots of subs, and the kinds who won't bail out before meeting. They may or may not be sort you care for, but at least you will dispel the image you seem to have been getting of yourself so that you can be who you felt you were when you picked that name.

< Message edited by WalterRego -- 4/13/2008 5:37:13 AM >

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 5:36:42 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
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From: Nashville, TN
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My 2 cents:
ASking them to keep in mind you want feedback when you break it off is a self fulfilling prophecy and might well doom the relationship before it starts. Bad idea to go in with, since it gives them the idea you dont put much stock ito their working out and might not put in much effort.
Maybe what you should be asking for in the very beginning is what they are looking for or want. Do they plan on meeting? What is their timeframe for it (something you will hold them to losely). What are they looking for specifically.

I dont think the flaws are you, as much as they are communication. You talk to them multiple times a day, but what do you talk about? Does it actually lead anywhere? Does it move the relationship forward, or is it just idle chit chat? Chit chat is wonderful, but if there is no structure of substance beyond that, maybe they are thinking that it will be missing completely and backing off becasue of that. Id say reexamine your communications rather than yourself. There is nothing wrong with YOU, but maybe there is something wrong with the way you and these people you are speaking to connect.

DV

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 5:46:36 AM

orfunboi

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Have you tried going to local events and munches? I find its much easier to meet someone in an enviroment like that, than online.

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 5:58:33 AM

ExSteelAgain

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I’m a male Dom, but let me offer an opinion also. You are just running into the numbers game. It isn’t you.

Many males of all persuasions are into quick conquests and moving on. It is almost a hormonal thing. We are satisfied with a woman after a few times of playing with her and want to move onto another. Submissive women can be used in everyway to play out our desires and then the urge to find another strikes. Now keep in mind, many submissives can have the same transitory patterns and urges.

It is not surprising that you have found so many relationships that have not been enduring when you consider many are as I described. Gear your thoughts and energy when getting to know someone to determine if he is likely to be in your category BEFORE the commitment. Does he have the same mindset as you? Would he TRY to be with you indefinitely? Most of the time the person won’t fit your goal. I’ll warn you of that beforehand.

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 6:07:25 AM

NorthernGent

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MagicGoddess

The last one that did this to me called me several times a day and I miss him.. I can't help it. I miss him. He called me several times a day and I really thought we were getting along and had a connection,

I go over the last thing I did or said to him over and over in my mind trying to figure out what it was I did or said wrong...or what I could have said that he might have took wrong...

In my mind I run down my list of flaws wondering what the deal breaker was.

Reflect, act and move forward, by all means; agonising over what you're doing wrong will not help you.

Anxiety will have the same effect as a bad perfume.

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 6:14:41 AM

TNstepsout

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Great thread and great answers. I can relate so closely to the OP that I could have written it myself. I have had very similar experiences and faced the same question "what am I doing wrong- for GODSAKE would someone please tell me!" So this is great, I'm starting to figure it out. Thanks all.

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 7:11:30 AM

LadyTeazer

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I have read the previous posts, and your profile, so here is My two cents.......

First, your profile says that you are "Actively Seeking -- Online Romance".   Right away, that tells Me (and probably many others) that you aren't looking for a "real" (as in real time) relationship. Just a fantasy one will do. That will attract players, cheaters, and wanna-be's by the millions.

Yet in the body of your profile, you say that you "hopefully will find a date" for R/T events.   Do you want an online thing, or a R/T thing??   You sound uncertain about what you want. Your choice of words could be stronger -- "hopefully" implies a weakness, for lack of a better word. (hey!! it's 9:30AM, and I've been up all night. So My brain is a lil fuzzy right now.)     Choose words that emphasize your strength as a Goddess.   And "date"? That sounds vanilla to Me. Not that there is anything wrong with 'nilla. In certain circumstances.

Your post sounded very familiar to Me.   I cannot begin to recall the dozens, and dozens, and dozens, ad nauseum, of men I went through.  A few I met in person, and thought things went quite well -- only to have them disappear.  The rest proved to be outright fakes, as they always seemed to not be able to meet in person.  It took Me ~~eight years~~ to find the boy that I have now collared. Eight long, frustrating, hurtful, aggravating years of talking to and meeting fakes, wanna-be's, players, losers, cheaters, and fools. And those were the 'best' of the bunch.... *shudders*    The 'Net attracts tons of fakes, as I'm sure you realize. Those clueless jerks who hide behind a keyboard, and play their little-boy games, because they don't have the balls to do anything in R/L, and think that what they are doing is "just harmless fun".   News flash!!! It ain't fun for your victims, and it damn sure ain't harmless. As your hurt feelings attest to, MagicGoddess.

So you see, you are not alone. I have gone through much the same as you have. As one poster said, meeting someone compatible IS a numbers game.

Like you, I kept wondering what I was doing wrong, why were all of these potential subs disappearing without an explanation. It took Me **years** to realize that "I" wasn't doing anything wrong!! It was ~them~.   They were nothing more than fakes. Once they had had their fun, they moved on to someone else.   I know what it feels like to wonder what you did wrong, and to want to have an explanation. But ya know what? It took Me years to learn to "just let it go", because a male who would do that is not worth fretting over.

I can understand that you want to talk (online and/or phone) with a potential sub first -- to determine if there is enough common interest and any chemistry there to warrant meeting in person. I am/was the same way. And like you, during the course of that getting acquainted, I sometimes would feel a connection developing. But you have to set a limit for pre-meeting talk, and stick to it. If a sub wants to tell you his deepest fantasies, fine. Have him do it over coffee.

I think I've been rambling on long enough now, and this may have turned into a mini-rant. I hope this helps you, or gives you encouragement to keep looking.   My apologies if I have said anything hurtful, but My brain has all but shut down now.    Must.......get.......sleep.......

LadyTeazer - proud Owner of [saberwolf34]
and still a WOW -- Wonderful Older Woman

< Message edited by LadyTeazer -- 4/13/2008 7:21:03 AM >

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 7:30:19 AM

rawkmehard

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if some guy doesn't want to meet in person, you have to tell yourself it's HIS LOSS, not Yours! thank god/goddess/gods you didn't have to invest more time in that guy. pfft! forget about him.

i don't know how many times this has happened to you, so if you're thinking "but i've gone through this 18 times already, i'm done!!" you're not going to be projecting a positive outlook, and that can muddy your chances.

Sir and i emailed each other for maybe 2 weeks, and talked on the phone once or twice...and then i asked him to meet me for coffee! not so sub-ly of me, maybe. know what he said? "Sure, that'd be great!"

we had a 5 hour date the next day. it was awesome!

however, he really was a diamond in the rough. if i had one more professed SuperDom sending me another HNG message....i was seriously ready to toss in the towel and be single forever. i know it sounds melodramatic, but really. i was just over it. that being said, that wasn't the attitude i projected when i emailed and talked with Sir initially (though i never called him Sir until AFTER we'd started dating). i think that positive outlook with him really helped.

so remember, it's hard for all of us to find someone. it really IS a numbers game. i'm not sure you're doing anything wrong, exactly. LadyTeazer gave some great advice. there are things you can tweak on your profile that may help. And setting limits of what you're willing to accept before you meet someone is great too!

keep at it, DON'T GIVE UP!! there is someone out there for you, and he's probably checking his inbox right now hoping for an email.

good luck, and keep us posted.

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 7:30:20 AM

atursvcMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MagicGoddess

Do you meet with these guys in real life? Do they disappear when it comes down to the actual meeting? That happens a lot, their courage leaves them when it comes to actually meeting (some Dommes do that too, I believe).

I understand completely that you would like an explanation as to why they keep buggering off, but I'm not sure I'd trust anything they said if they DID respond. If they can disappear so easily after phoning you several times a day, they're not really trustworthy.

I haven't really got an answer for you, except to say we really DO have to kiss a lot of toads before we find our prince, so don't give up!!!

Well you know..I am thinking alot about this:

Goddess has decided that the boy will be granted ONE email where he can ask me all the questions he wants and ONE ten minute phone call. After this he has to decide if he wants to meet or not.

If he wants to develop cold feet at this time.. so be it.
If he doesn't want to meet because he is not ready.. so be it
If he decides I am not good enough ...so be it

I only spent ten minutes with him.

The Goddess has spoken. Thank You.

   as groundwork, imho, this sets up the following: You have plenty of opportunity, and a specific sub is not important to You. Your difficulty is screening through these suitors.

     10 minutes or 1 email to set up groudwork is a good plan, however, this tends to lead to an interest in a wham bam thank You Ma'am meeting. i am impressed with the ability to screen within 10 minutes or 20 questions, but have found that my longer term get togethers LTR style tended to take a bit of time to get to know.

      Follow up letters, while a great idea, can also be seen as a tease, or an effort to rekindle a romance. if the relationship is broken, then it can rekindle, or can be viewed as a "let it go" annoyance.

       my understanding is that if i parted with people on pleasant enough terms this would be a piece of cake, but generally as i have parted with people, we have not been real receptive to each others thoughts.

       Ma'am, with all due respect and as a matter of personal taste only, i am inclned to delete or ignore folks who call themselves in the 3rd person .

       i also agree that being self deprecating (If he decides I am not good enough) is not necessary in any post. You put together an interesting package, and i wish You good luck.

        Sorry there are so many toads about.

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 7:54:36 AM

marieToo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

Many males of all persuasions are into quick conquests and moving on. It is almost a hormonal thing. We are satisfied with a woman after a few times of playing with her and want to move onto another. Submissive women can be used in everyway to play out our desires and then the urge to find another strikes.

Yeah, what's up with that?

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 8:46:55 AM

Venatrix

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MG, you need to realise that most of what's happening to you in not meeting men is because they aren't serious. There's a huge number of time-wasting submissive men and a lot of them only want online domination. You give them their fix and they take off before they meet you because they have a wife or girlfriend.

I keep my conversations fairly vanilla in the early stages, which weeds out the ones who only want non-real time domination, because they're the ones who won't stick around to see if they can form a relationship. As soon as men start trying to turn the conversation to non-r/t domination, I make it clear I'm not into that. You can generally tell the difference from the conversation whether they're trying to get their jollies or whether they're genuinely trying to see if your kink is compatible.

The best thing, and probably the only thing, you can do is to control your emotions so that you don't get so hung up on people before meeting them. Remind yourself that you don't know tuppence about people online and that they could turn out to have green fuzz on their teeth (I find that particularly keeps me from getting too excited about anyone before I've met him).

I don't very often have the time to initiate contact with men, but I've also found that when I've made the first move, nothing has developed, so you might be better off concentrating on the ones who approach you first. My former profile indicated that I was looking for a committed real-time relationship, which makes it clear that I'm not going to bugger around with someone who isn't looking for the same thing. That doesn't mean I didn't get my fair share of idiots, but at least they were forewarned that I wasn't interested in playtime only.

My current profile indicates that I'm taking a month off from CollarMe dating, and I'd recommend you try the same thing. Take a few weeks away for some "me" time. Do your nails, do your hair, do some reading, do some cooking, do anything but try to meet men, then come back with a fresh perspective. I've got so tired of the fakes and the ones who want instant domination that I was sorely tempted to leave the site and not come back. A few days of not trying to weed out Mr. Wanker from Mr. Wonderful has already improved my disposition.

So, the abbreviated form of my advice is: dump anything from your profile that's negative, stop thinking that the situation is entirely your fault (self-fulfillling prophecy syndrome), take some time off from dating and come back with the attitude that you're not going to get emotionally invested until there's a real reason to.

Good luck.

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 9:06:05 AM

Missokyst

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I just looked over your profile and I thought it is a pity you are so far south. Here in Nor cal, we are swamped with male subs, when I was in so cal I didn't see as many.
I know it is easy to think of your flaws when you have been rejected but in this case I will point out something else.
Men, tend to avoid confrontation. I know that is a generalization but I have found it to be true more often than not. Women are vocal as heck. We were taught to bitch, moan and complain, and ultimately say what we think, though sometimes that part is lke pulling teeth.
Men, in the premise of not wanting to hurt someone, are really avoiding confronting the issue. For them when something is over, it is over. They don't realise that we need answers.
This is my opinion and observation over the years. The only thing you can do is learn that sometimes things just don't work out. And to not put an emotional investment in something until you feel there is potential for it working.
Kyst

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 9:13:35 AM

sblady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Are you willing to give up the notion that it's always your fault in order to get past it?

Are you willing to sit and look at how your are choosing these people and see the things in common?

Are you willing to sit and look at what these people have in common and then pick a different kind of person?

Are you willing to say, "Meet me and let's have coffee," before you even start getting emotionally attached?

I think if you're willing to do all that, you'll have much better success. It's not easy being rejected. Don't assume there's something wrong with you before you try all these things. I'm betting there's nothing wrong with you...just some things wrong with how you're going about things.
Master Fire

MasterFireMaam, every time I read one of your posts, I'm so very impressed. You are very kind, thoughtful and caring with your comments. You're a wonderful person with a lot of compassion. I can't think of any other adjectives other than to say you're a wonderful person. I appreciate you!!

To the Op:

My heart goes out to you but know that you will find the one meant for you. A lot of terrific advice has been given and as I'm relatively new I have nothing to add except "huggs".

Take care

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 9:26:24 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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OP: You're taking things from one extreme to the other. And you aren't following MasterFireMaams second question.

Don't have expectations of someone until they actually DO something to show you have reason to believe they will uphold those expectations, especially if you're starting offline.

But you can't force things either. It's fine to have certain standards, but one short phone call and one email to ask things? I can see where your mind is going there, but it also I think unnecessarily cuts out a lot of good prospects in the process as well.

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 9:41:54 AM

mzbehavin

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This happens across the board i am finding. Dom/mes, subs, male, female... I used to personalize it and it hurt me deeply as i too can bond quickly.
I stayed positive, i didnt speak of the past or how i'd been burned. I have a good job, a nice life, beautiful um's and am generally balanced emotionally and mentally. Not hard on the eyes, and you know what? It still happened to me!
Sometimes people are scared to feel anything real. I suspect when that happened, i was dumped. No mail, no reasons, hell , he could be dead for all i know. Deleted profiles, emails to nowhere... its bizzare. My emails not changed in 7 years.
I look for signs now, little things they say. Well, if i was looking anymore. For now i am getting what i can from r/t and letting go of my perfect D/s fantasy.
When the times right it will happen. Me stressing on it isnt helping.
So the short of the long...
Its not you, its them. Some people are too scared to be real. By the way, someone who wont share a phone number yet wants to talk for hours is suspicious to me. Red flag...

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 9:45:50 AM

kiwisub12

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When i first joined collarme i got a few cm's from doms ( was 48 at the time) - and one of them after a few nonspecific cm's told me that he didn't like to spend a lot of time online, and would like to meet me in a place of my choosing.

I was somewhat taken-aback - I thought that you corresponded with prospective dom/mes for months before going to meeting. I agreed, and the rest is history. I basically moved in with him a week later, and have been deleriously happy ever since.

If you want R/T i (now) think that meeting reasonably quickly is the way to go. It would certainly sort out the ones only looking for cyberjollies. And allow both of you to assess with a reasonable degree of accuracy whether on not there is going to be an attraction. good luck with your search.

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 9:06:08 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MagicGoddess
But I am starting to think this though and realize I have to protect myself better. Somehow. I know one thing is true about myself. I am not really a Goddess. I am not perfect. I have flaws. But everyone does. I know I am not a hurtful person. I am not mean or inconsiderate.

Do you feel you embody a, or the, Goddess in your Dominant role? If not, find a name or title that FITS who you really are. The simple name of "Magic" comes to mind. :-)

Master Fire

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RE: Getting constructive feedback after rejection. - 4/13/2008 9:38:43 PM

BoySlip

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A lot of people are cowards who don't have the guts to go through with it in RL. If someone drops you it is probably because they are a poser, its nothing you did or said that turned them off.

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