RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them?

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charmdpetKeira -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 4:40:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa K, I am so happy that you posted here. I was really interested in what the other side of the slash thought about this. Thank you for the warm welcome. [:)] quote: It is interesting to note that you understood my behavior as a child stemmed from self survival. That's cool. Mom is a special kind of person. ;) Though I must add in her defense, one who has changed a lot since those days. quote: Why do you think it is impossible for you to feel for your owner? Our emotions are based on our perception, which is made up from our (perceived) experiences; no one’s is exactly the same. Even when we agree on things, we do not always agree for the same reasons. I can sense how others feel, but I can never really know why they feel the way the do. I am extremely good at guessing, by what I observe, past experience, and reasoning. I also believe that I am often correct in my assessments, due to how the person I am relating to responds to what I say; but can never know that I know. Nor can I rely on what another person gives as a reason for their emotions. Sometimes, like with my mother, they don’t really know themselves. I can empathize, but the input that causes this to happen, is still filtered through my perception to get there. Besides, “feeling” for someone else, is like peeing for someone else; I can give it my best, but I don’t think it will help. [:D] Hope this helps. Adding; I would rather someone understand how I feel, then to try to feel for me; it is better that they stay up, in order to help me back up, then to be dragged down by me. k

catize -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 5:13:31 AM)
For many years I would take on feeling responsible for other people’s emotional states when in reality it was out of my control. I find I can offer a better form of support when I can acknowledge their feelings but don’t get bogged down in whatever they are experiencing. Eventually I learned to step away from the emotions while asking how I could help. Depending on the person and circumstances, I can offer diversions if they want to be diverted. (a listening ear, a massage, ice cream………..) or if they want to be left alone for awhile, that’s okay too. Perhaps you can suggest things to him; i.e. “I’m feeling xyz right now and this is how you can help.”

metamorpha -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 5:16:41 AM)
Transferance of emotions often seems to happen most easily to those with a low self esteem or a background of abuse or neglect. In other cases the person just has a natural empathy. As with anything else in the lifestyle, communication is vital. You may want to sit down with your sub and explain that you notice that he quickly picks up on any emotion that you seem to be feeling and ask him why he thinks that is. See if he had a background of abuse or neglect, or someone that he was afraid of or trying especially hard to please during his formative years. Gently explain that he has a right to his own emotions, and as much as you appreciate that he seems to mirror your mood that it certainly isn't expected of him. It is good that you are showing empathy towards him because of your own childhood experience. From your calm and thoughtful manner it seems that you should be able to do well with this.

TysGalilah -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 5:23:40 AM)
Good Morning MofGa ...I will apologize upfront for any rambling or excessive length this response may morph into LOL this is a topic I have much personal experience with and tend to "go off on" ..so I will try my best to keep it contained. My mother ( ohhh don'cha just love responses that start that way? ) was a cupboard slammer. If mom needed help in the kitchen, rather than saying or asking > she'd send not so subtle indications of that. SLAM ! I would jump....Mom? do you need my help?? "Ohhhh well since you're here...yes you can help." If she was upset...her face, her posture, her actions would indicate that, but not her words or her voice. Its called passive-aggressive and her picture is by the definition in the dictionary.. Emotions were never discussed in that household..and certainly not in words....so feelings were suppressed and I became trained to "read a person" rather than ask or listen to how they were feeling. I grew into what some may call an empath and some would call a co-dependant. and I had to be re-trained eventually how NOT to do exactly what she taught me so well to do. Somewhere in my 30's ( I am 50 now) I began noticing that MY young children were watching me intently...reacting to my facial expression...asking me if I was ok? because I loooooked angry? red flag went off and I had to take a hard look at myself...and how I was ( or wasnt) handling my emotions and reactions. skip ahead 7 yrs, after some serious personal work and what I felt was progress and better behaviors: I am still trying hard to differentiate between compassion, empathy and emotion-dependant...doing a better job of balancing and handling how to react to other peoples feelings and emotions w/o making them mine or my responsibility to take care of ( or fix groan ) . Enter: my submission to a dominant. My intuition, empathy, ability to read what someone else needed and wanted before they asked or spoke> Kicked into over-drive, once again. AND I was highly praised for this behavior! wow It turned out to be a Top/bottom situation more than I realized or understood at the time, but he was a man dis-connected from his feelings, didn't know how ( or want to for that matter ) to make me express mine openly...and I WANTED AND NEEDED to please him.....so I read him. Watched his every move and mood....and I crashed and burned with my co-dependant behaviors. 2 years..having removed myself from a submissive mind-set because I didn't know how to balance that ....and some more work on Cyndi Enter: Tyson Fortunately, the man is a master communicator. Completely intouch with his emotions and feelings and can express them well and knows how to effectively bring that out in others. I was honest with him about my past....my last attempt at submission and my hesitance ( but intense need to as well ) to enter into it again.....He knew how to help me find my balance. It was actually a very good lesson in my submission and learning to not control...not project...not anticipate.. Just feel and trust that if he was feeling something he needed me to know about HE would tell me... it took a while to trust that ability in him....having been around so many who didnt know how to communicate their feelings so openly and so well. but it has been the most healing and freeing of experiences for me. From your other posts on this thread, you mention not putting your pup in that situation and that you do communicate well.. : ) imo I think it is a fine line submissives walk.. and easily crossed.. wanting to please and serve your wants and desires..but NOT take back the control in our anticipating them. caring for the needs you express but not taking care of* your emotions and feelings....tricky stuff.* we like our dominant ones happy : ) and feeling good ...satisfyed.....its hard to see you unhappy..or dealing with emotions we cannot (and should not) be responsible for. devotion to serve intensifies emotions..and blurrs the lines that would, in other scenarios, be met with healthy emotional boundaries.. as JustMe also mentioned in his response. Hard to balance...but not impossible. Cyndi

StormsSlave -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 6:07:46 AM)
MoGa... I think this is true in all relationships, with or without the d/s dynamic. My Lord gets sad when I am sad, I get angry when he is angry. If you are close to the person you are with, and in tune to one another's emotions, there is bound to be some transferrence there. It even happened with my children when they were young. If I was cranky, the WHOLE house was cranky...lol. Thanks for a personal and thought provoking thread.

GreedyTop -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 6:23:04 AM)
personally speaking........... the re;ationship/communication issues I have are in NO WAY related to my parents.... all my esteem/ relationshio/comm/etc problems stem from my so-called peers (from when I was a kid)

GreedyTop -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 6:28:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa K, I am so happy that you posted here. I was really interested in what the other side of the slash thought about this. Thank you for the warm welcome. quote: It is interesting to note that you understood my behavior as a child stemmed from self survival. That's cool. Mom is a special kind of person. ;) Though I must add in her defense, one who has changed a lot since those days. quote: Why do you think it is impossible for you to feel for your owner? Our emotions are based on our perception, which is made up from our (perceived) experiences; no one’s is exactly the same. Even when we agree on things, we do not always agree for the same reasons. I can sense how others feel, but I can never really know why they feel the way the do. I am extremely good at guessing, by what I observe, past experience, and reasoning. I also believe that I am often correct in my assessments, due to how the person I am relating to responds to what I say; but can never know that I know. Nor can I rely on what another person gives as a reason for their emotions. Sometimes, like with my mother, they don’t really know themselves. I can empathize, but the input that causes this to happen, is still filtered through my perception to get there. Besides, “feeling” for someone else, is like peeing for someone else; I can give it my best, but I don’t think it will help. Hope this helps. Adding; I would rather someone understand how I feel, then to try to feel for me; it is better that they stay up, in order to help me back up, then to be dragged down by me. k < Message edited by charmdpetKeira -- 4/8/2008 7:46:48 AM > _____________________________ Life is tough, that does not mean it isn't fair. Desire; inspire it, and they will cum. (in reply to MistressOfGa) Profile Report \| Post #: 21 RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 8:13:31 AM catize Wicked Posts: 1139 Joined: 3/7/2006 Status: online For many years I would take on feeling responsible for other people’s emotional states when in reality it was out of my control. I find I can offer a better form of support when I can acknowledge their feelings but don’t get bogged down in whatever they are experiencing. Eventually I learned to step away from the emotions while asking how I could help. Depending on the person and circumstances, I can offer diversions if they want to be diverted. (a listening ear, a massage, ice cream………..) or if they want to be left alone for awhile, that’s okay too. Perhaps you can suggest things to him; i.e. “I’m feeling xyz right now and this is how you can help.” _____________________________ No good deed goes unpunished. (in reply to MistressOfGa) Profile Report \| Post #: 22 RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 8:16:41 AM metamorpha Curious Posts: 29 Joined: 4/3/2008 Status: online Transferance of emotions often seems to happen most easily to those with a low self esteem or a background of abuse or neglect. In other cases the person just has a natural empathy. As with anything else in the lifestyle, communication is vital. You may want to sit down with your sub and explain that you notice that he quickly picks up on any emotion that you seem to be feeling and ask him why he thinks that is. See if he had a background of abuse or neglect, or someone that he was afraid of or trying especially hard to please during his formative years. Gently explain that he has a right to his own emotions, and as much as you appreciate that he seems to mirror your mood that it certainly isn't expected of him. It is good that you are showing empathy towards him because of your own childhood experience. From your calm and thoughtful manner it seems that you should be able to do well with this. (in reply to MistressOfGa) Profile Report \| Post #: 23 RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 8:23:40 AM TysGalilah Twisted Posts: 259 Joined: 11/21/2007 Status: offline Good Morning MofGa ...I will apologize upfront for any rambling or excessive length this response may morph into LOL this is a topic I have much personal experience with and tend to "go off on" ..so I will try my best to keep it contained. My mother ( ohhh don'cha just love responses that start that way? ) was a cupboard slammer. If mom needed help in the kitchen, rather than saying or asking > she'd send not so subtle indications of that. SLAM ! I would jump....Mom? do you need my help?? "Ohhhh well since you're here...yes you can help." If she was upset...her face, her posture, her actions would indicate that, but not her words or her voice. Its called passive-aggressive and her picture is by the definition in the dictionary.. Emotions were never discussed in that household..and certainly not in words....so feelings were suppressed and I became trained to "read a person" rather than ask or listen to how they were feeling. I grew into what some may call an empath and some would call a co-dependant. and I had to be re-trained eventually how NOT to do exactly what she taught me so well to do. Somewhere in my 30's ( I am 50 now) I began noticing that MY young children were watching me intently...reacting to my facial expression...asking me if I was ok? because I loooooked angry? red flag went off and I had to take a hard look at myself...and how I was ( or wasnt) handling my emotions and reactions. skip ahead 7 yrs, after some serious personal work and what I felt was progress and better behaviors: I am still trying hard to differentiate between compassion, empathy and emotion-dependant...doing a better job of balancing and handling how to react to other peoples feelings and emotions w/o making them mine or my responsibility to take care of ( or fix groan ) . Enter: my submission to a dominant. My intuition, empathy, ability to read what someone else needed and wanted before they asked or spoke> Kicked into over-drive, once again. AND I was highly praised for this behavior! wow It turned out to be a Top/bottom situation more than I realized or understood at the time, but he was a man dis-connected from his feelings, didn't know how ( or want to for that matter ) to make me express mine openly...and I WANTED AND NEEDED to please him.....so I read him. Watched his every move and mood....and I crashed and burned with my co-dependant behaviors. 2 years..having removed myself from a submissive mind-set because I didn't know how to balance that ....and some more work on Cyndi Enter: Tyson Fortunately, the man is a master communicator. Completely intouch with his emotions and feelings and can express them well and knows how to effectively bring that out in others. I was honest with him about my past....my last attempt at submission and my hesitance ( but intense need to as well ) to enter into it again.....He knew how to help me find my balance. It was actually a very good lesson in my submission and learning to not control...not project...not anticipate.. Just feel and trust that if he was feeling something he needed me to know about HE would tell me... it took a while to trust that ability in him....having been around so many who didnt know how to communicate their feelings so openly and so well. but it has been the most healing and freeing of experiences for me. From your other posts on this thread, you mention not putting your pup in that situation and that you do communicate well.. : ) imo I think it is a fine line submissives walk.. and easily crossed.. wanting to please and serve your wants and desires..but NOT take back the control in our anticipating them. caring for the needs you express but not taking care of your emotions and feelings....tricky stuff. we like our dominant ones happy : ) and feeling good ...satisfyed.....its hard to see you unhappy..or dealing with emotions we cannot (and should not) be responsible for. devotion to serve intensifies emotions..and blurrs the lines that would, in other scenarios, be met with healthy emotional boundaries.. as JustMe also mentioned in his response. Hard to balance...but not impossible. Cyndi _____________________________ galilah .."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton (in reply to MistressOfGa) Profile Report \| Post #: 24 RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 9:07:46 AM StormsSlave Twisted Posts: 288 Joined: 2/6/2008 Status: online MoGa... I think this is true in all relationships, with or without the d/s dynamic. My Lord gets sad when I am sad, I get angry when he is angry. If you are close to the person you are with, and in tune to one another's emotions, there is bound to be some transferrence there. It even happened with my children when they were young. If I was cranky, the WHOLE house was cranky...lol. Thanks for a personal and thought provoking thread. _____________________________ "Did it feel good? Do it again." People take pleasure in anything they say; but a word at the right time, how good it is! (Mishlei) Proverbs 15:23 (in reply to TysGalilah) Profile Report \| Post #: 25 RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 9:23:04 AM quote: ORIGINAL: StormsSlave MoGa... I think this is true in all relationships, with or without the d/s dynamic. My Lord gets sad when I am sad, I get angry when he is angry. If you are close to the person you are with, and in tune to one another's emotions, there is bound to be some transferrence there. It even happened with my children when they were young. If I was cranky, the WHOLE house was cranky...lol. Thanks for a personal and thought provoking thread. BRAVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [sm=cute.gif]

MladyHathor -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 6:41:16 AM)
Smiles, people who feel a deep attachment to us tend to feel that defense mechanism when we feel stress---children or submissives--the thing here is to temper how much we show them and to insure that what we do show warrants their involvement.

domahpet -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 6:49:56 AM)
i didnt read the thread MoGa, just your post, and to me it sounds like a pretty amazing bond the two of you have. i can see where youd be worried, my mom was like that too. but it sounds like your pup is just very very bonded to you, to me.

charmdpetKeira -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 7:00:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MladyHathor the thing here is to temper how much we show them and to insure that what we do show warrants their involvement. Being left in the dark only gives way for my imagination to take over. It is better for me to know what is going on, then to know something is going on, but not what. And someone like me knows. k

kyraofMists -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 7:04:07 AM)
MoGa, I think this is a great thread. I wish I had the time this morning to respond, but I will give a few of the thoughts going through my head. Who owns my emotions or phrased differently... Who is responsible for managing my emotions? I am. He and Alandra may assist me or influence me, but I am ultimately responsible for my own emotional state. One of the first thoughts that went through my head in reading this, is that if I took on the emotions that he was feeling at any particular time, then I would be focusing on me and not on him. If something happens to him that upsets him, the focus should be on him and not on me. It would be inappropriate of me to act in a way that would take the focus off of him. It is about him, not me. That is how our relationship works. Managing my emotions is much easier when I remain focused on him and what he is going through. Knight's Kyra

Luciferica -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 7:12:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop hugs lovely lady... for me.. I know I tend to project emotions.. due to esteem issues. It took me a while to know that the people that care deeply for me will often get angrier than I am because they see it differently than I do.. remember - pup is seeing it through YOUR eyes and he's likely to be pissed on your behalf! Truism: his side, her side, the truth :) And since pup is so tuned in to you then your emotions are going to be VERY visible to him.. ok, stopping now, cause I'm about to start rambling..LOL This makes sense

BlackPhx -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 9:40:24 AM)
Hi MoGa; There is not much I can add that has not alreayd been said and well except to relax. When two people are truly close, they become capable or telling when something is bothering the other one even without facial clues. We read a great many clues from voice, body, inflections, facial even clothing choices and postures that it would seem almost supernatural to those who are not aware of how long we have been together. I am sure you have seen or even experienced yourself the phenomena of finishing someone's sentence. It is a wonderful example of empathy and to be treasured. Like some here, I too had to know the emotional atmosphere of the house when I was growing up. I grew very adept at it, not that it helped when mother or father decided they were going to have fun. But at least I could be prepared and try to stay out of the way. That carries over into my relationships even now, and I can tell if Master is falling into a bad mood almost before he can identify it. I struggle to let him own those emotions for himself instead of preempting them or trying to jolly him out of them. What can be extremely hard is for Pup to step back and let you own your own anger, and emotions. WE, both Tops and Bottoms want to protect those important people in our lives from everyone except us. We don't want you to be angry, sad, hurting, lonely, bored, or anything other than happy and contented and will if we are not careful try to take on the negative emotions so that you are not fighting the world and wearing yourself out. Sort of a World got you pissed, I will take on the world, you get pissed at me only and save your energy so I have more of you. No it does not make sense, but, we do it..think how many times you have tried to shelter Pup from the negatives of the world. Do you really think he could do any less for you? The hardest part is stepping back and letting the other fight their own battles. It is the hardest lesson parents learn regarding their kids, and frankly the hardest one for anyone to learn. We have to let the other person in our lives own their emotions, fight their own battles and at the same time recognize it is ok to feel angry, sad, etc. for them, just not take the emotion over. poenkitten (hoping that made some sense)

softpjOS -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 11:52:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa I sometimes look at my sub and I wonder just how much of his emotions are a direct result of how I am feeling. I hate to think that my boy waits each morning to see what "face" I have on, before approaching me. This is something I need to work on with him, because I don't want to own his emotions. I love his individualism and his gentle personality. Personally, i do not believe this has anything to do with the relationship dynamic as much as it has to do with two people that care very much for each other. Of course he is going to "respond" to your feelings and/or emotions. He cares for you, he cares if someone hurts or angers you. He is going to feel protective and want to "make it better". I would ask, do You see Yourself responding to his emotions/behaviors/moods as well? Do You also see him "feeding off" You when You are relaxed and happy? I do see my own relationship within Your post. When Mistress is stressed, unhappy, angry, hurt, i do "feel" Her pain/anger. I try to focus on Her feelings and helping Her "feel better/happy/relaxed" and yes, sometimes when life is overwhelming and throwing Her constant curveballs, i can find myself "mirroring" Her emotions. At those times i need to refocus and understand that i can't "fix" everything and simply be there for Her. My "mirroring" is only causing more problems and stress for Her because now She is worried about ME and my mood as well. Since it is more of a "me" thing then anything She is saying/doing, i find the only solution is to recognize that within myself and work harder on monitoring my own reactions and refocusing on what my primary goal is. Her smile. i wish you both the very best pj

pupofMoGa -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 7:21:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa K, I am so happy that you posted here. I was really interested in what the other side of the slash thought about this. Thank you for the warm welcome. quote: It is interesting to note that you understood my behavior as a child stemmed from self survival. That's cool. Mom is a special kind of person. ;) Though I must add in her defense, one who has changed a lot since those days. quote: Why do you think it is impossible for you to feel for your owner? Our emotions are based on our perception, which is made up from our (perceived) experiences; no one’s is exactly the same. Even when we agree on things, we do not always agree for the same reasons. I can sense how others feel, but I can never really know why they feel the way the do. I am extremely good at guessing, by what I observe, past experience, and reasoning. I also believe that I am often correct in my assessments, due to how the person I am relating to responds to what I say; but can never know that I know. Nor can I rely on what another person gives as a reason for their emotions. Sometimes, like with my mother, they don’t really know themselves. I can empathize, but the input that causes this to happen, is still filtered through my perception to get there. Besides, “feeling” for someone else, is like peeing for someone else; I can give it my best, but I don’t think it will help. Hope this helps. Adding; I would rather someone understand how I feel, then to try to feel for me; it is better that they stay up, in order to help me back up, then to be dragged down by me. k < Message edited by charmdpetKeira -- 4/8/2008 7:46:48 AM > _____________________________ Life is tough, that does not mean it isn't fair. Desire; inspire it, and they will cum. (in reply to MistressOfGa) Profile Report \| Post #: 21 RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 8:13:31 AM catize Wicked Posts: 1139 Joined: 3/7/2006 Status: online For many years I would take on feeling responsible for other people’s emotional states when in reality it was out of my control. I find I can offer a better form of support when I can acknowledge their feelings but don’t get bogged down in whatever they are experiencing. Eventually I learned to step away from the emotions while asking how I could help. Depending on the person and circumstances, I can offer diversions if they want to be diverted. (a listening ear, a massage, ice cream………..) or if they want to be left alone for awhile, that’s okay too. Perhaps you can suggest things to him; i.e. “I’m feeling xyz right now and this is how you can help.” _____________________________ No good deed goes unpunished. (in reply to MistressOfGa) Profile Report \| Post #: 22 RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 8:16:41 AM metamorpha Curious Posts: 29 Joined: 4/3/2008 Status: online Transferance of emotions often seems to happen most easily to those with a low self esteem or a background of abuse or neglect. In other cases the person just has a natural empathy. As with anything else in the lifestyle, communication is vital. You may want to sit down with your sub and explain that you notice that he quickly picks up on any emotion that you seem to be feeling and ask him why he thinks that is. See if he had a background of abuse or neglect, or someone that he was afraid of or trying especially hard to please during his formative years. Gently explain that he has a right to his own emotions, and as much as you appreciate that he seems to mirror your mood that it certainly isn't expected of him. It is good that you are showing empathy towards him because of your own childhood experience. From your calm and thoughtful manner it seems that you should be able to do well with this. (in reply to MistressOfGa) Profile Report \| Post #: 23 RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 8:23:40 AM TysGalilah Twisted Posts: 259 Joined: 11/21/2007 Status: offline Good Morning MofGa ...I will apologize upfront for any rambling or excessive length this response may morph into LOL this is a topic I have much personal experience with and tend to "go off on" ..so I will try my best to keep it contained. My mother ( ohhh don'cha just love responses that start that way? ) was a cupboard slammer. If mom needed help in the kitchen, rather than saying or asking > she'd send not so subtle indications of that. SLAM ! I would jump....Mom? do you need my help?? "Ohhhh well since you're here...yes you can help." If she was upset...her face, her posture, her actions would indicate that, but not her words or her voice. Its called passive-aggressive and her picture is by the definition in the dictionary.. Emotions were never discussed in that household..and certainly not in words....so feelings were suppressed and I became trained to "read a person" rather than ask or listen to how they were feeling. I grew into what some may call an empath and some would call a co-dependant. and I had to be re-trained eventually how NOT to do exactly what she taught me so well to do. Somewhere in my 30's ( I am 50 now) I began noticing that MY young children were watching me intently...reacting to my facial expression...asking me if I was ok? because I loooooked angry? red flag went off and I had to take a hard look at myself...and how I was ( or wasnt) handling my emotions and reactions. skip ahead 7 yrs, after some serious personal work and what I felt was progress and better behaviors: I am still trying hard to differentiate between compassion, empathy and emotion-dependant...doing a better job of balancing and handling how to react to other peoples feelings and emotions w/o making them mine or my responsibility to take care of ( or fix groan ) . Enter: my submission to a dominant. My intuition, empathy, ability to read what someone else needed and wanted before they asked or spoke> Kicked into over-drive, once again. AND I was highly praised for this behavior! wow It turned out to be a Top/bottom situation more than I realized or understood at the time, but he was a man dis-connected from his feelings, didn't know how ( or want to for that matter ) to make me express mine openly...and I WANTED AND NEEDED to please him.....so I read him. Watched his every move and mood....and I crashed and burned with my co-dependant behaviors. 2 years..having removed myself from a submissive mind-set because I didn't know how to balance that ....and some more work on Cyndi Enter: Tyson Fortunately, the man is a master communicator. Completely intouch with his emotions and feelings and can express them well and knows how to effectively bring that out in others. I was honest with him about my past....my last attempt at submission and my hesitance ( but intense need to as well ) to enter into it again.....He knew how to help me find my balance. It was actually a very good lesson in my submission and learning to not control...not project...not anticipate.. Just feel and trust that if he was feeling something he needed me to know about HE would tell me... it took a while to trust that ability in him....having been around so many who didnt know how to communicate their feelings so openly and so well. but it has been the most healing and freeing of experiences for me. From your other posts on this thread, you mention not putting your pup in that situation and that you do communicate well.. : ) imo I think it is a fine line submissives walk.. and easily crossed.. wanting to please and serve your wants and desires..but NOT take back the control in our anticipating them. caring for the needs you express but not taking care of your emotions and feelings....tricky stuff. we like our dominant ones happy : ) and feeling good ...satisfyed.....its hard to see you unhappy..or dealing with emotions we cannot (and should not) be responsible for. devotion to serve intensifies emotions..and blurrs the lines that would, in other scenarios, be met with healthy emotional boundaries.. as JustMe also mentioned in his response. Hard to balance...but not impossible. Cyndi _____________________________ galilah .."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton (in reply to MistressOfGa) Profile Report \| Post #: 24 RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 9:07:46 AM StormsSlave Twisted Posts: 288 Joined: 2/6/2008 Status: online MoGa... I think this is true in all relationships, with or without the d/s dynamic. My Lord gets sad when I am sad, I get angry when he is angry. If you are close to the person you are with, and in tune to one another's emotions, there is bound to be some transferrence there. It even happened with my children when they were young. If I was cranky, the WHOLE house was cranky...lol. Thanks for a personal and thought provoking thread. _____________________________ "Did it feel good? Do it again." People take pleasure in anything they say; but a word at the right time, how good it is! (Mishlei) Proverbs 15:23 (in reply to TysGalilah) Profile Report \| Post #: 25 RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 9:23:04 AM quote: ORIGINAL: StormsSlave MoGa... I think this is true in all relationships, with or without the d/s dynamic. My Lord gets sad when I am sad, I get angry when he is angry. If you are close to the person you are with, and in tune to one another's emotions, there is bound to be some transferrence there. It even happened with my children when they were young. If I was cranky, the WHOLE house was cranky...lol. Thanks for a personal and thought provoking thread. BRAVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [sm=cute.gif] Thank You Mistress for creating this thread. I know that my emotions tend to reflect Yours when we speak or are together. Metamorpha, you mentioned that this transferal of emotions is usually due to low self esteem or childhood abuse. I don't know about other cases, but this is defenatly not in reflection of me. I have a high self esteem and aspirations to becoming a High School History teacher and have not experienced childhood abuse. But for some, that might be the case, you never know. I understand that i have the right to own my own emotions, and i have never surrendered that ownership. The reason why i share Mistress's emotions is because the deep bond i have with Her. I love Mistress, passionately. She is as much a part of me as my heart is. If i didn't know any better, She is my heart and soul. When Mistress is sad, i will curl up with Her, press my cheek against Hers and share the crying, even if i have nothing to cry about, i still do because what affects Her affects me. Mistress already knows how emotionally soft i am in that at a drop of a hat my emotions can swing all the way around. This is because i am a very loving person who wears my emotions on the end of my sleeves. When Mistress is in pain, i feel it too. If you cut one of us, both of us will bleed. I know that it is my responsibility to take care of Mistress just as She would take care of me and Her emotional health is just as important as Her physical health. I am a protective pup and when someone or something upsets my Mistress, i jump in to take the brunt of the anger and frustration so Mistress doesn't have to. I do it out of choice, and out of love for Mistress. I agree with you StormsSlave, that a submissive deeply engaged with their Dominant will be in tune with Their emotions and in turn would share what They feel. Domahpet, you are right about the bond between Mistress and i. It is the strongest bond i could ever imagine between two people. It is not just a D/s bond or even a lovers bond, but a bond that penetrates us into our very soul. We are constantly talking about how we are thinking about each other and how much we miss each other. Even when i am at work and in the middle of loading one of the cannons i fire, i am wondering what Mistress is doing. Truly blessed we are to have such a deep and passionate relationship. I love Mistress with all of my heart and soul and cannot wait to spend eternity with Her. No Matter where we may be, we are always together in each other's arms. <wraps my arms around Mistress with misty eyes> I LOVE YOU MISTRESS!!!!!!! -pup

kyraofMists -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 8:35:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pupofMoGa I agree with you StormsSlave, that a submissive deeply engaged with their Dominant will be in tune with Their emotions and in turn would share what They feel. I disagree with this idea. This may be true for you and StormsSlave, but it is not a generalization for "a submissive". For me to do this, would be self-serving and destructive for our relationship. We are all required to do what is best for our relationship and the last thing he needs when he is angry or sad is for me to make the choice to feel those emotions too. I don't need to feel his pain or his anger in order to be deeply engaged with him. I demonstrate how in tune I am with him by being that safe place to come to when he is sad. I demonstrate it by staying out of his way and giving him the space to blow off steam when he is pissed. If I were to choose to feel something simply because he felt it, then I would be demonstrating a lack of knowledge and insight about him. Knight's Kyra

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 9:18:16 PM)
One of the lessons I've been focusing on a lot for awhile has been "It's OK to make me unhappy sometimes, and you don't have to do everything you can to make me happy when I'm not, especially if that's going to cause you unhappiness." It's SO hard for him to release that my emotions are mine. Yes, of course we effect and affect eachother very deeply. But we can't take away that responsibility from eachother and we shouldn't try. I am so proud of him when he has the courage and strength to tell me something he KNOWS will make me unhappy but KNOWS it also needs to be said.

KnightofMists -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 9:29:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists If I were to choose to feel something simply because he felt it, then I would be demonstrating a lack of knowledge and insight about him. Not to forget.. that you would actually fail to be of any use and I would be better without you than with you. I don't need a someone to copy my feelings and thoughts... I need some to be free to express their own feelings and thoughts....... Nothing to me demonstrates greater trust than my girls being able to express their feelings and thoughts to me no matter what they are. This express.. this sharing this vulnerability of their thoughts and feelings to me ensures the greatest of connections to them to me and me to them.

SailingBum -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 10:31:19 PM)
dunno I don't let other ppls stuff bother me. BadOne

littlebitxxx -> RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? (4/8/2008 10:44:11 PM)
I think everyone should own their own emotions. No one can actually MAKE you feel a certain way, you allow yourself to or not. Sure, we all pick up on the various emotions and moods flying around us, the happy sad angry depressed negative, but it's up to us whether or not we react to them. I have the choice and free will to accept another's bad mood onto myself or to ignore it and let them own it. That's their issue to deal with, not mine.

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