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RE: Jealousy Who's fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 7:16:49 AM

Mercnbeth

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~Fast Reply ~

quote:

Jealousy Who's fault is it Dom domme or sub

Your own, from either end of the flogger.

Confidence and trust in your partner should make it impossible to be jealous of another's attention. If you don't have that level of trust and confidence I'd suggest you really don't have a partner - you have an acquaintance with common interests; waiting and susceptible to leave you if a better offer comes around. If you don't believe that to be the case - jealousy is irrational, bordering psychotic.

I view another's attention to beth as flattering.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 21

RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 7:16:54 AM

LATEXBABY64

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ok by your statement we can all be bots and be non feeling preprogrammed machines and that is fun how ?

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 7:21:05 AM

IrishMist

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Dnomyar said that jealousy is a form of insecurity.

I am curious as to how you arrived at this answer

quote:

ok by your statement we can all be bots and be non feeling preprogrammed machines and that is fun how ?

from his statement.

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 7:25:11 AM

LATEXBABY64

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I was jealous

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 8:26:15 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Since I believe we are responsible for our own shit, owning our own emotions and reactions, whomever ever is feeling jealous is responsible for that feeling. They are also responsible for how they react to it.

does that mean if some one hurts you. The one hurting you is not to be blamed, but you yourself are..as hurted one?

Yes. If I would wish to place any blame at all. Usually, placing blame is about as productive as jealousy......which is NOT AT ALL. I work very hard to avoid such negative emotions and thought processes. They are counter productive to becoming the person I wish to be. Obviously because I am far from perfect, only human, sometimes I suceed and something I fail miserably. Those failures are quite simply, lessons to learn from.

IF, I have created, or allowed, a situation in my life that gives someone the power to hurt me, then I also share the bulk of the responsibility for that hurt. More life lessons.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 8:28:26 AM

Justme696

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that is a respectfull way to live. If we could all live like that, we would have it much better ..at least eassier

thank you for explaining.

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 8:33:52 AM

LaTigresse

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I am not always certain it is easier....

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 27

RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 8:38:28 AM

Justme696

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Propably not....but it is soemthing one can work towards.(if you succeed 75% it is already alott)
I try to look a bit more at myself too...instead of blaming others.
Just soemtimes..it doesn't work.

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 8:45:12 AM

LaTigresse

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Again, it isn't necessarily that you need to place blame, just acknowledge it's existance and observe. I try to look at some situations from an emotional distance and ask questions. Then learn from it and move on. Otherwise you can get bogged down in blaming yourself by trying to avoid blaming others.

It is when you let emotion/ego take over and just react based on those emotions, that is when you lose any chance at learning and growth. You also have given up all control, if you even had any to begin with.

Again, it's not always easy because we are relearning our behaviour and stopping old kneejerk reactions.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 3/11/2008 8:46:20 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 29

RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 8:48:51 AM

Justme696

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If it works...then it works. Some can let emotions go, others prefer not too..because that makes them humans
We al have our way dealing with it.
But it sure is interesting to watch and learn from others.

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 8:54:43 AM

Daddyslilpookie

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Damnit I was going to say that lol! When I was seperated from my Master/husband I met this dumbass wannabe Dom but he was sub we met on this site and were together 5 months. Anyway we were sitting at the bus stop he was waiting with me for my bus to come. Well this guy was staring at me and my Dom was giving him an evil look back and he was getting jealous.

I wasn't even looking at the guy. The embarrasing thing was the guy came up to me on the bus saying that he was looking at me because he thought he recognized me and he said "Your boyfriend looks like he has issues because he looked like he was going to kill me because I was looking at you". I was so embarassed I told him he was the jealous type because he was. He wouldn't even take me out because he said he was afraid he would get in a fight with someone over me. Now that is "insecurity". So the jealousy was his fault because I didn't do anything wrong.

< Message edited by Daddyslilpookie -- 3/11/2008 8:55:28 AM >

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 10:02:23 AM

verysweet

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Love --or a relationship -- that feeds on jealousy usually dies a hard death.

Just my $.02.

To me, there is a huge difference between purposefully attempting to make your partner feel insecure and their personal inability to ever feel secure.

There are those for whom jealousy will always be an issue--regardless of how often we tell them and show them those feelings are unwarranted. How exhausting, and the quickest way to drain the life out of an otherwise wonderful relationship.

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 10:47:08 AM

subJuneJM696

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making each other jealous on purpose is childish..why would you?

a litle bit of 'normal' jealousy in a relationship isn't wrong as long as it doesn't change you as the person you are and affect your realtionship together.

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/11/2008 11:42:09 AM

spanklette

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

I think a lot of people mis read what jealousy really is about. why it is ok to feel that way. It is a normal reaction to someone we are attracted with or love on a sexual mental level. I think a little is ok knowing what is to much what is not. In the ds lifestyle because a lot of it is sexual it is easy to get there. On either side of the fence. SO my question is this. if you made your mate jealous and he or she walked out on you whos fault would it be. respect of someone else.s feelings vs your own selfish intent or they just need to get over that feeling of insecurity.

ps remeber wearing the other persons shoes may not fit so well lol

I'm not sure how D/s relationships differ as far as jealousy is concerned, but jealousy doesn't always have to be a negative thing. If you can identify what exactly is making you jealous, it can be informative and eye opening. It can pin point something that you or your partner is doing that is making one or both of you uncomfortable or ill at ease. If you use jealousy as a tool to move forward rather than embracing it to become defensive, you can use it to your advantage.

In my life, I find that I am more inclined to point out situations that make me uncomfortable rather than jealous...that is certainly not to say that I have never been jealous, of course. The root of it may be insecurity, but jealousy is the manifestation of that...it makes something that's difficult to vocalize easier to put words to.

And, as far as placing blame...I don't really care, unless it was done on purpose to undermine the foundation of the relationship.

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(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 34

RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/17/2008 9:30:52 PM

UncleNasty

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Are we responsible for our own emotions? Well, yes and no. We don't really get to choose how we feel. We just feel. For instance we don't really choose who we have feelings of love for. I've never been able to DECIDE to love someone. I can decide to do loving things for someone but I can't legitimately decide to love someone and have it happen automatically.

I didn't one day decide to love chocolate. I just do. I feel love for chocolate and I do loving for chocolate whenever I can, LOL.

Being aware of our feelings, and taking ownership of them, is an important step in dealing with them effectively. Once we are aware and in touch we can make choices in how we respond to them.

Respond vs. react.

Responses are controlled and in the best cases are appropriate, proportional and are considerate of all parties involved. Responses for me typically combine emotion and reason - or heart and head. I do best when I utilize both of these, allowing each to inform the other, and feel I'm on the most solid footing and acting in the best ways when these two are working together.

Reactions are just that - reactive. Usually of an uncotrolled nature. Sometimes very explosive and damaging. Consider your last "toe to toe mother fucker contest." Did it help or hurt? Did you take time and consider what you were feeling and saying?

This isn't directed at anyone here. Just thoughts of mine on feelings. Yes, thoughts about feelings.

By the way, I've come up with a word to describe my head and heart acting together - theeling.

Uncle Nasty

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 35

RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/18/2008 2:24:18 AM

eyesopened

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd
In any relationship.. esp a D/s one.... *communication communication communication* it has to be there.

If one party ( note I did not say D or s..) feels slighted or jealous... and is good enough to tell the other party how they feel, and the other party brushes them off and does nothing to address and soothe it.. well then the party who did nothing to fix it is mostly at fault. If both can communicate well then hopefuly they can resolve thier issues.

Any time someone has enough strength to say I feel *XYZ* and the other party just say tough deal with it... you have to think does this person care enough about me to even stay in a relationship?

realtionships are two way streets... people who have the view of "not my problem" in a relationship either tend to be very emotionaly immature, or simply do not give a fig for the person they are with.

i agree. So often we see responses to people's questions about jealousy as 'you're insecure' as an accusation and imply that an emotionally healthy person would not give a rat's behind what their partner does as long as it makes them happy. To me that answer implies that apathy is a better choice. It doesn't address the insecurity.

Which among us has nothing whatsoever to be insecure about? Some people may be insecure about speaking in public. Insecurity created the comb-over, etc. Doesn't make the person an emotional cripple. That jealousy is a symptom of insecurity is accurate but telling people to stop being insecure doesn't help.

Fault? Blame? Assigning blame doesn't help either. As Gwyn says, communication and a willingness to address the cause of the insecurity is a better solution in my opinion.

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/18/2008 2:38:59 AM

MD1Master

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It is always healthiest to view faults in relationships as combined rather than singular. Issues effect the partnership and each partner therefore it is a combined issue with, generally, combined faults. If a partner feels jealous and dislikes this feeling, it should be discussed to determine the specific behavior attributing to this negative feeling. If either one is either unable to unable to (1) accept this unchangeable behavior or (2) change the behavior, it could simply be an incompatibility issue.

I have always found it far more constructive to view issues as a whole rather than singular.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 37

RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/18/2008 2:59:48 AM

chezzy52

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I was very jealous a long time ago..and it cost me a girlfriend at the time.The relationship was very vanilla and she used to go out with her galpals whom were all looking to get laid on some weekends.So i would say why is she with them when she has me??After awhile i just said fuck it..what will be will be...of course she broke up with me and to this day is the only female that made me cry.Sometimes you learn the hard way..it's not worth it.

(in reply to MD1Master)

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/18/2008 3:54:59 AM

TreasureKY

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

... if you made your mate jealous and he or she walked out on you whos fault would it be.

To directly answer your question, it would be your own fault.

Despite the number of people here who dismiss all jealousy as being caused by insecurity (people who automatically characterize insecurity as a bad thing, so jealousy must also be bad), I believe that some jealousy is perfectly justified.

While I can't agree with CuriousLord's description of jealousy as being a natural "base instinct", I do agree that it is a natural emotion. It is something felt when someone else is given something that we feel rightfully belongs to us.

I submit that if the item in question is truly yours and it really is being given to another, then that something is not secure and you have every right to feel insecure about it... and are justified in feeling jealous.

To place it in context of the original question, if I were to purposely give my affection to someone other than FirmhandKY, and he were to leave me as a result, then it would be my fault.

If Firm did not feel jealous, it would most likely be because...

1. He did not value my affection;

2. He did not feel that my affection belonged exclusively to him;

3. He felt that he received adequate affection from me to satisfy his desires; or

4. He consciously decided to limit his emotional ties to me rather than suffer the pain (or possible emotional manipulation) that can be caused by jealousy... which can be related to any three of the above.

< Message edited by TreasureKY -- 3/18/2008 4:11:56 AM >

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

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RE: Jealusy WHos fault is it Dom domme or sub - 3/18/2008 4:07:02 AM

MissIsis

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Each couple's situation will probably have differing underlying issues. Does it really matter who is to blame? If he or she walked out on someone due to jealousy, the relationship was probably defected anyway. I have been at one time or another on both sides of the fence on this. It doesn't feel good from either point of view. If someone is jealous all the time, they tend to be too smothering for me. If I am feeling jealous all the time, that doesn't feel good either. Life is too short. For me, it has always been better at some point to scrap the relationship, learn from it, & move on.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 40

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