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Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:19:51 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		This is basically a topic i posted on a uk based site a few weeks ago, and i have now come to re-appriciate the issue.

Some background, I basically 'found' BDSM when i was writing an essay on sexual deviancy, i was in a chatroom that I frequently used and say the D/s room and toddled in. The essay being the reason why (also a reason that people later fell out with me because the essay didnt say oh everyone go be a Dom/sub/Master/Slave/switch/whatever I wrote what I thought was a balanced argument) Around the same time I was talking to a guy about it all, deal basically being he would tell me stuff I asked if he could ask me things. Being fairly nieave and not careful he found out that i used to self harm, he asked me to self harm on cam to see if it was a sexual thing i flipped out and it became general knowledge in the room.

Cut to over a year later, my now Sir and gf occasionally used the room and I made a throw away remark to them (i had not met them at this point) about girlie being hot, she giggled and said the same of me. A Dom then private messaged her and told her to stear clear of me, I would like to mention that I had barely spoke to this guy and never met him. Of course we since met and got on and yadda yadda. Yesterday I couldnt help but ask this guy why he did it, it turned out that he thought that I had wanted to and actually done self harm on cam and that was my thing and he thought i was a weirdo. My issue was that he was wrong, he could have stopped Sir and girlie from ever talking to me, I asked for an appology he said no, I have since discovered that many people believe this to be the case. (oh he also had a problem with my honesty about myself and the topics i chose to discuss which i guess you can get from this post) He then said I was being disrespectful to him, yadda yadda.

This is just my own personal example of this, and I dont know if its such an issue in the US but the UK is a terribly small place, things get around, chinease wispers and things are said that arent true. We all seem to have this inbuilt need to "warn people" about people we dont know, which is basically gossip. Luckily this crap didnt affect my forming a relationship but it could ahve done, i guess really its a post to say that maybe we should be careful before we run around naming and shaming people (something I have seen a lot of) Also its a bit of a rant cos it annoyed me. Also its a hey has this kinda thing happened to anyone else? I know of it happening to a lot of my friends.


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:28:20 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I talked to a chinese friend of mine. After he started talking I had to stop him because he would not talk in a whisper. I guess that I was'nt ready to listen to any gossip.

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:29:13 AM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		It hasn't happened to me that I know of.  Now you're making me paranoid - is anyone talking behind my back?  lol   Probably not, because I tend to only come on CM's boards, and am not active on others and am not 'well known' in the community or anything. 

I have had the opportunity to 'warn' a submissive about a dominant she was speaking with, but I chose not to - because I figured that just because it had been my experience with him didn't mean that was going to be hers.  He wasn't dangerous, just hurtful.  But she had the right to to learn her own way with him.  I don't know how that ever turned out for her.  It's best, I think, to 'mind my own business' and only warn if someone seems dangerous. 

I'm glad that things turned out the way they did for you - you seem very happy in your dynamic, and if it had fallen through because of the actions of one jerk, how awful would that be?

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:31:19 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah Bound, i thank god that they arent easily led I think if i had heard that of someone I would at least have been a bit wary

< Message edited by colouredin -- 3/10/2008 11:32:00 AM >

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Bound2One)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:33:09 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		I really hate it when I'm a subject of conversation for other people to feast on. Alas, it's something that we have to put up with, social animals that we are. I do it myself, even though I really kind of despise gossip...

The good news is that your relationship wasn't hindered by the chatroom whisper. The other thing is, be extra careful online: sharing intimate information with tons of strangers multiplies the chance that you're going to be gossiped about multifold.


_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:34:18 AM   
madshysoul


Posts: 105
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline 		Gossip? In the BDSM community?

...never...

*snort*

If I believed even a fraction of the nonsense I've heard about people in my local scene, I'd never leave my house...much less attend munches. I've heard at -least- one "serious abuse" allegation about nearly every Top/Dom in the local scene.  I've heard people accused of drug abuse, child abuse, voting Republican, STDs, rape, predatory behavior, being ticklish...the list just goes on.  The abuse allegations have gotten ridiculous enough that it's a running "joke" with my Captain that one can't be a Top -without- earning your 'Abuse 101' badge/

At a certain point, I realized that I was going to have to make up my own mind. *gasp* I accept information I'm given as 'a data point'. Data is neither true nor false, it is simply input. From there? My mind is my own.

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:38:22 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

This is basically a topic i posted on a uk based site a few weeks ago, and i have now come to re-appriciate the issue.

Some background, I basically 'found' BDSM when i was writing an essay on sexual deviancy, i was in a chatroom that I frequently used and say the D/s room and toddled in. The essay being the reason why (also a reason that people later fell out with me because the essay didnt say oh everyone go be a Dom/sub/Master/Slave/switch/whatever I wrote what I thought was a balanced argument) Around the same time I was talking to a guy about it all, deal basically being he would tell me stuff I asked if he could ask me things. Being fairly nieave and not careful he found out that i used to self harm, he asked me to self harm on cam to see if it was a sexual thing i flipped out and it became general knowledge in the room.

Cut to over a year later, my now Sir and gf occasionally used the room and I made a throw away remark to them (i had not met them at this point) about girlie being hot, she giggled and said the same of me. A Dom then private messaged her and told her to stear clear of me, I would like to mention that I had barely spoke to this guy and never met him. Of course we since met and got on and yadda yadda. Yesterday I couldnt help but ask this guy why he did it, it turned out that he thought that I had wanted to and actually done self harm on cam and that was my thing and he thought i was a weirdo. My issue was that he was wrong, he could have stopped Sir and girlie from ever talking to me, I asked for an appology he said no, I have since discovered that many people believe this to be the case. (oh he also had a problem with my honesty about myself and the topics i chose to discuss which i guess you can get from this post) He then said I was being disrespectful to him, yadda yadda.

This is just my own personal example of this, and I dont know if its such an issue in the US but the UK is a terribly small place, things get around, chinease wispers and things are said that arent true. We all seem to have this inbuilt need to "warn people" about people we dont know, which is basically gossip. Luckily this crap didnt affect my forming a relationship but it could ahve done, i guess really its a post to say that maybe we should be careful before we run around naming and shaming people (something I have seen a lot of) Also its a bit of a rant cos it annoyed me. Also its a hey has this kinda thing happened to anyone else? I know of it happening to a lot of my friends.



Personally I think that there are people who will believe anything bad about others without evidence, no matter what is said to defend onesself or how outlandish the story is they will believe the worst.  I try to stay away from these people.

There are others that want either verifiable proof or to be able to discern for themselves when they hear gossip.  Or they dismiss the gossip outright.  These are the people I like.

I think if I cared to know what people said about me, I'd drive myself nuts.  However since I prefer to see how my friends and so-called friends act, I don't much care what is said, only how the people I care about handle it when they hear it.

I hope that makes sense, I'm taking cold drugs today.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:38:50 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Gossip is damaging whether in person, online, or whatever.  Almost as pathetic as the one doing the gossip is the one listening to it and choosing to make decisions based on it.

You're not alone though.  I don't think anyone gets out of this life without being the subject of someone's gossip.  However, we can choose how we allow it to affect us.  I prefer not to get wrapped up in it.  People will talk.  I'm responsible for living my life to the best of my ability.  I'd rather not give my energy to the gossipers.

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:40:25 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG



I think if I cared to know what people said about me, I'd drive myself nuts.  However since I prefer to see how my friends and so-called friends act, I don't much care what is said, only how the people I care about handle it when they hear it.

I hope that makes sense, I'm taking cold drugs today.


Yup it makes sense, and yeah thats a nice way to put it, I suppose that it is true that people you care about or who care about you wouldnt believe it anways.


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to OmegaG)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:44:04 AM   
AtlantaMistress


Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bound2One

It hasn't happened to me that I know of.  Now you're making me paranoid - is anyone talking behind my back?  lol   Probably not, because I tend to only come on CM's boards, and am not active on others and am not 'well known' in the community or anything. 

I have had the opportunity to 'warn' a submissive about a dominant she was speaking with, but I chose not to - because I figured that just because it had been my experience with him didn't mean that was going to be hers.  He wasn't dangerous, just hurtful.  But she had the right to to learn her own way with him.  I don't know how that ever turned out for her.  It's best, I think, to 'mind my own business' and only warn if someone seems dangerous. 

I'm glad that things turned out the way they did for you - you seem very happy in your dynamic, and if it had fallen through because of the actions of one jerk, how awful would that be?


I think it is different if you are friends and have had PERSONAL experience with someone - to let your friend know would not be gossip. IMO - Gossip is something that does not have anything to do with your own life. If I am telling a story about someone and their interaction with my life, even if I give some background info on the person - it is my experience I am relaying. If you talk about someone and it has no direct tie in to anything in your own life, that is just flat out Gossip.

Even warning your friend about your experience can be done in such a way that you still allow her to form her opinion. Everyone's relationships with others are different. If it is done in such a way that you are just letting her know what your experience was, without a negative spin or warning attached, and let her know you support her in any decision she would make - you are being a good friend. I have had this happen on CM - a very close friend is new to the site (based on MY recommendation and introduction to D/s - so I feel a certain amount of responsibility as somewhat of a mentor). She has been contacted by some men that I found out to be nothing but game players/time wasters. I have told my friend MY experience, and recommend they don't allow too much of her time to be wasted, but also giving the disclaimer "perhaps this out of character, and for whatever reason - we just didn't click". She has been able to use this info to give a man the opportunity to prove otherwise: "Mistress Sandy told me ________(whatever) and I am not impressed, so show me that this is NOT standard operating for you" - some have done so, and gone out of their way to make up for the impression they gave me. Others haven't - and she was thankful that she too didn't have her time wasted.

<editing for spelling - ugh>


< Message edited by AtlantaMistress -- 3/10/2008 11:59:11 AM >

_____________________________

Mistress Sandy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd rather be hated for something I am than loved for something I am not.


(in reply to Bound2One)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:47:06 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

I think if I cared to know what people said about me, I'd drive myself nuts.  However since I prefer to see how my friends and so-called friends act, I don't much care what is said, only how the people I care about handle it when they hear it.

I hope that makes sense, I'm taking cold drugs today.


Yup it makes sense, and yeah thats a nice way to put it, I suppose that it is true that people you care about or who care about you wouldnt believe it anways.



That's a really cool way to approach bitchy chatter.

_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:47:26 AM   
RedHotAndSoSexy


Posts: 67
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		Gossip...without gossip how would most people even start to feel good about themselves?

I love those people who claim they hate gossip, but are the snarkiest of all.

(in reply to AtlantaMistress)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:49:01 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedHotAndSoSexy

I love those people who claim they hate gossip, but are the snarkiest of all.



A perfect example of nameless gossip  .

_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:50:15 AM   
RedHotAndSoSexy


Posts: 67
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		Oh sorry, did you think I was referring to you?

(in reply to kittinSol)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 11:52:01 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		Not at all. Why would I?

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 12:09:56 PM   
SubbieOnWheels


Posts: 590
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline 		Two things -

I don't care what people who don't know me think about me; it doesn't change who I really am. And the people who know me know whether something said about me is true or not.

A wise person once said, "You can tell more about a person by what they say about others than by what others say about them"

_____________________________

Bethical
Beat me, strike me, take away my reindeer! I'll never tell! -- Walt Kelly, Pogo Possum
I yam what I yam - Popeye

http://www.myspace.com/bethical_wheels


(in reply to kittinSol)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 12:14:05 PM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SubbieOnWheels

Two things -

I don't care what people who don't know me think about me; it doesn't change who I really am. And the people who know me know whether something said about me is true or not.

A wise person once said, "You can tell more about a person by what they say about others than by what others say about them"


yeah, what she said!
i tend to take what i hear about people with a grine of salt.  unless i see it or hear something directly from that person, i don't believe it.

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!




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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 12:17:01 PM   
RedHotAndSoSexy


Posts: 67
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

Not at all. Why would I?


Well, you quoted my comment and then said:

A perfect example of nameless gossip  .

As for why would you, only you would know the answer to that.

(in reply to kittinSol)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 12:24:25 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedHotAndSoSexy

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

Not at all. Why would I?


Well, you quoted my comment and then said:

A perfect example of nameless gossip  .

As for why would you, only you would know the answer to that.



A perfect example of a completely surrealistic exchange... but yes - now, we both know the answer to that  .

_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Gossip - 3/10/2008 12:27:17 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		It hasn't happened to me personally colouredinone - but I do know quite a few people who have been subject to gossip - although I would suggest it wasn't simply gossiping, but and attempt at blacklisting.
 
Unfortunately it is pretty common and not just within BDSM circles.  I recently posted a blog elsewhere about the very subject.
 
Anyone who listens to such blacklisting isn't worth your time anyway.  It's pretty much done by people who want control, but can;t actually get it.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Profile   Post #: 20
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