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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 7:49:36 PM

RedMagic1

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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(in reply to delawareman)

Post #: 21

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 7:55:11 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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Perhaps you can find a way to curtail your desire to find a cure? If you can find a way to make your vanilla life as fulfilling and satisfying and your BDSM desires, the cure may become a moot point.

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I give good thread.

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Post #: 22

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 7:58:30 PM

bipolarber

Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
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You've already said that she seems to enjoy a little bondage. Just go ahead and build on that. If she enjoys that a bit, perhaps you'd best experiment a little before hitting the "panic button." I suggest a tactic that a sub of mine and I tried several years ago: we spent a night turning each other on over drinks (to loosen up our inhibitions a bit) and began swapping sexual fantasies we'd both had since we were kids. Great fun, and might give you a clue as to an approach.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 23

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 8:25:08 PM

EvilGenie

Posts: 1323
Joined: 9/10/2007
From: Morocco and Maine occasionally
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I think her tears speak volumes and I'd love to know what was really going on in her head and heart when they arrived. Your holding her during the tears also speaks volumes for you. You know, in my entire adult life of living an alternative lifestyle I have learned a great deal. One of the single most important lessons for me was that we all continue to evolve as human beings and within our chosen lifestyle.

I am no where near to the Dominant I was 25 years ago, 10 years ago, or yesterday. I, and my desires, have evolved, changed and morphed over time. Just as I have evolved in all areas of my life. A very long time ago, for me, it stopped being about the S&M and more about the psychological control, service to me and a willingness to see me happy and content. The toys were tossed and I slowly became who I am now though may not be tomorrow.

Am I saying there is a cure? Nope, no way. Though I am saying that people change and nothing is static. Perhaps she is a submissive who didn't know she is, perhaps she isn't, but the finding out can be a growing experience for both of you.

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Post #: 24

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 3:06:20 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
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Looks like we may have a new kinkster among us :)

i love happy endings!

hope it all works for you guys.

lallyx

(in reply to EvilGenie)

Post #: 25

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 3:14:15 AM

blissy

Posts: 94
Joined: 9/12/2005
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i wish there was a cure, but i reckon finding one is about as much a reality as the fountain of youth... the search continues.

< Message edited by blissy -- 3/10/2008 3:21:50 AM >

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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 3:32:22 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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See what i dont get is why people come on here all guns blases with a defeatest attitude and then suddenly in the same day find actually all their pre conceptions were wrong!

Seriously people to quote the classic cool hand luke

"what we have here is a failure to communicate"

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Post #: 27

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 5:59:49 AM

EvilGenie

Posts: 1323
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From: Morocco and Maine occasionally
Status: offline

Gee, I don't have a gun. I could go get my dad's though IF it still works as it has been in his sock drawer for 40 years.

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I will never make someone a priority, when they only make me an option.

FEAR the pixels....NOT!

Some things in life are like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.

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Post #: 28

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 6:55:17 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ToysAndTies

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

becoming a sub is a process....allow her to enjoy it...take her to events....classes...munches....dont give up on herself or you, i have converted many... it can be fun!

I'm sorry, but I disagree with this one. It's not about trying to convert her, it's about expressing a need of yours that you feel isn't being met. What's a decent parallel... it's like dating a vegetarian. I don't see the appeal of giving up meat, but I wouldn't force a steak down her throat. If she isn't into the kinkier aspects of your desires, that's fine, but that in no way means you need to be cured. Talk about how you can both get what you need, and if not from each other, from others with mutual consent. Just 2 cents.

I don't think that one can be converted, be it BDSM or religion or whatever, unless they already have a desire in them. I am with a vegetarian BTW and since he doesn't abstain because of moral obligations, he's expressed some desire in trying meat (and actually I discouraged it because who knows what it would do to his system at his age). Anyway, if someone had suggested at 20 something that I was a submissive, I would have laughed in their face. Looking back now, I was acting in a submissive way much of the time but picking partners where it was ill recieved. Yes, I was wired to be submissive but my "conversion" process was seperating my own thoughts from the cultural norms that I'd been ingrained with. Once I could decide that I didn't give a fig what the societal conventions were or have them dictate how I acted in a relationship then I could stop being at odds with my core personality.

It seems that the OP is being very level headed with his approach, he's expressing himself, he's comforting his girl and he's allowing her to sort through her own feelings without pressure from him. I hope they enjoy the ride and the outcome is satisfactory for both of them.

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Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to ToysAndTies)

Post #: 29

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 1:08:16 PM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: delawareman

We are both really happy with the way this whole situation seems to have resolved. She is excited to try new things.. and please me. I couldn't be more pleased myself. Thanks for the support and the ideas. Looks like we may have a new kinkster among us :)

Man...I did all this research to help you cure your bdsm. I'll post it for others here who may be similarly afflicted:

Drink a glass of water upside down until the bdsm stops.

Try leaches on the genitalia (Jeffff….).

Lance it until the bdsm oozes out.

Gargle with warm salt water.

Hair of the dog that bit ya.

Use a styptic pencil (youch) to any areas affected by bdsm.

Have someone Heimlich the bdsm outta you.

Suck on a teabag.

Get that creepy evangelical TV guy who pushes people down to…push you down.

Get tongue of toad and eye of newt…grind it up and add it to your Slimfast.

Tough-actin’ Tinactin!

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Don't believe everything you think...

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Post #: 30

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 1:32:32 PM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

I believe it can be beaten out of you..:)

Jeff

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Post #: 31

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 1:33:40 PM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

ooo--I'll try that one and report back.

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Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 32

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 3:21:21 PM

ThunderRoad

Posts: 231
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline

Watch Secretary together. Talk about it after. See what she thinks.

(in reply to delawareman)

Post #: 33

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 7:19:53 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Do you need her to submit or will you be fine with the occasional bondage scene? Because as long as she understands that you need her to do this for you once a month or whenever, and in return you carry her bags while shopping (or whatever activity you don't much like) then you may be fine. That's called compromise.

Now if it isn't bondage you need so much as her kneeling naked by the floor awaiting your return home each night, then you won't be happy. Only you can figure out what you need.

Now I'm a bondage bottom and I love it. But we're in our mid50's and I know we won't be doing this forever. I'm less flexible than I was 5 years ago, and that restricts certain ties. I'm not going to go into a deep dark depression because hogties are tougher on me than they used to be. Because to me, the relationship is more important than any one activity we do.

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Post #: 34

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 8:48:49 PM

adrian28

Posts: 833
Joined: 3/8/2008
Status: offline

I don't think any of us are ill, just hard-wired to express ourselves in this manner. We were born with the right to chose, so don't down yourself for not conforming to "society's norms", if we all burn in hell, it'll be the biggest party since Roman times, lol!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 35

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 10:18:25 PM

Skully7000

Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline

I tried playing... didn't feel a single submissive tendency... being tied up and caned... did nothing.

later on attended seminars and classes and learned alot more and met many submissives and such. discovered that yes I am truly a dominant. but also along the road on a few very rare occasions had the pleasure of experiencing true subspace.

so following my experiences: I would suggest taking her to munches and classes and seminars(audience discussions helped alot, hearing others POV) in a non-stress enviorment purely as information gathering.

this will help her understand you better. and hopefully give her the tools to figure out her interests, if any.

good luck
Cheers
Skully

(in reply to delawareman)

Post #: 36

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 10:42:12 PM

astarri

Posts: 265
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline

Happy to hear you both are communicating. I wish you luck.

and that was supposed to be to the OP

(in reply to Skully7000)

Post #: 37

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/10/2008 11:39:10 PM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

You can't "cure" your BDSM anymore than you can stop liking your favorite food.

What you can do is expose yourself to a new food, acquiring a taste for it.

I'd suggest you attempt a vanilla life, focusing on it, and try to acquire a taste for it. Look for its virtues if you hope to acquire the capacitiy for a happy vanilla life; you need not sacarfice your propencity for BDSM. BDSM will always be something else you could enjoy, but not the only way you'll be happy.

Can you acquire a taste for a vanilla life, or will it have nothing to compare to BDSM for you? That, you'll have to find out for yourself.

(in reply to delawareman)

Post #: 38

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/11/2008 1:37:09 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

I'm with RedMagic1 on the fact that many of us have tried to cure ourselves!
At least I myself tried once in the past.

The think here is self discipline and in finding mutal activities that you and her both
enjoy together. You don't have to be heavy into S&M to enjoy BDSM.

She sounds like she's open to exploring things, which is good, however this is
all new to her. I would say do a lot of talking about activities and simply be
honest with one another.

You mentioned a lot about bondage, which this does not have to involve any
S&M play at all.   I am assuming bondage and not S&M is your primary turn-on?

It's rather difficult being sexually involved with somebody trying to drill the fantasies
out of your mind.   It might help, if you just vebally share with her you fantasy, without doing what you are thinking.   Basically, let her know that you might share
some really mind blowing instense thoughts, however these are just thoughts.

Some times just sharing with somebody a fantasy or hearing their own dark
fantasies while having sex can be mind blowing in itself without doing what
you are talking about.   Still none the less, she would have to be mentally
prepared for the type of things you might mentally lay on her ahead of time.

On the other side of the coin, perhaps you can close the box some by changing
focus upon another activitity altogether, such as body art. Basically start to
think about another activity to do, and take that to the Nth degree mentally
and start to look at a lot of porn or pictures that involve it.   Such as Body Art
for the idea I presented here. Get into thinking about all the different and kewl
designs.  Who knows perhaps you can combine it with a little bondage too, but
your focus is changed away from S&M.

Plus, you get to think more and more about her a piece of canvas to draw
or paint upon. Get into the different Paints and brushes and whatever else..

Basically, it involves rechanneling your energy into another activitity you
both can enjoy.   It will take time, but the more and more you think about
another activitity to do, the less and less you will think about the other ones.

These are just ideas, if anything communication between you and her is
important.

You can always lay down some cash and seek professional help from a
sex therapist, be it by yourself or with her. A good therapist wil at least
be able to help you guys work this out together, in whatever direction it's
going to go in.

I'm pretty much with RedMagics advice on this one.

(in reply to delawareman)

Post #: 39

RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/11/2008 5:12:12 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

there is a cure ....*looks around nervously* ... keep it away ... keep it away .... it has taken years of hard work to make myself this sick!

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Post #: 40

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