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Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 4:32:57 PM   
delawareman


Posts: 12
Joined: 4/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hey All,
I have known that I am into bondage from a very young age. When watching cartoons I would always enjoy when the damsels got kidnapped by the villians. When I was in my young teens browsing the internet I stumbled upon BDSM material and realized that it was me. I started being able to live out my Dom fantasies at about the age of 17 and continued as much as possible. I found (find?) kinky sex so fulfilling.

Anyway, I met an amazing girl a few months ago and have been dating her seriously for a couple of months now. She is vanilla. I am crazy about her but sometimes we'll be lying in bed together or I'll be alone and my thoughts will drift to previous encounters I had with a sub or a similar topic. It's been consuming me as of late because I care for her so much but don't know if I can deal with not spanking, tying, gagging, etc. I finally worked up the courage and told her that I am indeed one of those "S&M" practitioners and we both don't know what to do. Neither one of us wants to end our relationship. She said she's willing to try some stuff but even when she's in fuzzy handcuffs (which she enjoys) I know she's not really a sub.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Is there anything that can cure me of my desires? Therapy? A book? Anything?!!? Or have I opened the pandora's box and there's no going back? I fear that may be the situation but I'm hoping not. Any advice or any bits of wisdom you all can give me would be much appreciated. This has been driving me crazy.
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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 4:37:42 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Many of us have tried to cure ourselves -- myself included, as the first woman I fell in love with considered nonvanilla sexual interests a sickness, and I tried to oblige.  I have never heard of a single success, and I've talked with a lot of people, and read a lot of material.

I suggest throwing down $100 and talking with a professional sex therapist.  It sounds as though you have a partner who is willing to work with you on this -- and you are certainly interested in making her happy -- so this doesn't sound like a horrible situation at all.  Good luck.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 4:38:36 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		I doubt you are going to cure yourself any more than homosexuals are actually cured by the christian brainwashing that gets used to try it.  However, how can you be sure she isn't a sub?  She seems pretty eager to fulfil your desires, of course, she may not be a masochist, but it is quite possible she is willing to submit to you in other ways.

(in reply to delawareman)
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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 4:40:26 PM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		I can only look at myself. If it is so deep in yourself..then it will not go away. Life never comes as you want it. Enjoy your girlfriend..and what she wants to try..perhaps she might like it.
IF not..then see how it goes. Don't plan ahead...somethings just happen.
YOU ARE NOT ILL...so no therapy...just accept who you are...and yes..it will take time.


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~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 4:45:15 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I think there's an American-English problem here, Justme.

A sex therapist is not a psychotherapist.  A sex therapist specializes in helping individuals and couples communicate how to have better sex.  For example, after rape -- or witnessing rape -- people sometimes have a hard time being intimate.  The point is not for him to "cure" himself, but for him and her to gain communication tools, so they can explore each others' desires better.

I don't think he is "ill" either.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Justme696)
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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 4:48:52 PM   
SinergyNstrumpet


Posts: 305
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

She said she's willing to try some stuff but even when she's in fuzzy handcuffs (which she enjoys) I know she's not really a sub.


How do you "know" this? Has she stated she has no submissive feelings or tendencies, or are you the one that has determined this? Let me just say, the fact that she is willing to let you restrain her at any level for your amusement seems to be somewhat submissive in and of itself... especially because she has enjoyed doing it for you.

She may not be the submissive person that you fantasize about, or that you have played with in the past... but she could very well be one, the only one that knows whether or not she is would be her.

julia

(in reply to delawareman)
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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 4:49:22 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		I think what RedMagic said is the Most responsible action you can take.

denying your sexuality can cause some serious ugly turns.

Love is not always enough to change the passion inside.

I think a good Sexual Therapist may help BOTH of you in finding a middle ground you can both live with.

Steel

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Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
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Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 4:51:14 PM   
Muttling


Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		Just have her give you a good spanking everytime you think of BDSM.   ;)

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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 4:57:54 PM   
verysweet


Posts: 128
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
Idenying your sexuality can cause some serious ugly turns.
Love is not always enough to change the passion inside.


Agreed, Steel.

I knew years ago what I needed and wanted sexually speaking, and tried to turn my back on it.  To say that didn't work out for me is way more than an understatement.  I'm glad you've brought it to the surface now, and only wish I had done the same.  Making that giant leap is the most important step, IMHO.

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Poetry in devotion.

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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 5:00:20 PM   
SeaDogret


Posts: 50
Joined: 2/17/2008
Status: offline 		I am the other side of this coin, am retired career military, I have very strong feelings for a sub, so am learning to be a Dom, even tho spanking or inflicting corporal punishment  run against my feelings of hitting a lady, but makes her happy and sensual when it done to her. am quite use to being in charge and controlling people, this phyiscal punishment side is new to me.

(in reply to Muttling)
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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 5:03:02 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		becoming a sub is a process....allow her to enjoy it...take her to events....classes...munches....dont give up on herself or you, i have converted many... it can be fun!

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This is him

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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 5:10:44 PM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline 		cure for bdsm = death.

live long and get spanked!  (thought i was going to say prosper huh?)

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I did not reply to your cmail.
I am flawed.
Imperfect.
MUST SPANK!!!
SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 6:44:33 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		It's like your favorite food.  My favorite food is strawberries.  The only time I ever lost interest in strawberries is when I ate too many as a child and threw up for an hour.  Honestly, oversaturation is the only thing that has ever made me -temporarily- lose interest in bdsm.

quote:

She said she's willing to try some stuff but even when she's in fuzzy handcuffs (which she enjoys) I know she's not really a sub.


You don't know that.  Take some time.  Watch where things go.  If fuzzy handcuffs aren't extreme enough for you, talk to her about some rope or maybe some leather cuffs. 

If someone told me they were going to take me to the point pain-wise that my Dominant does in play today I would have laugh in their face and told them I'm not a masochist.  If someone told me I'd actually enjoy being spit on and smacked around, again, I would have laughed and told them 'I'm practically vanilla.'  But...further down the road I find...there's actually alot of 'subly' things that I enjoy and never thought I would.

So don't discredit her attempts to make you happy.  Enjoy them and slowly expand her experiences.


_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to delawareman)
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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 6:49:07 PM   
TotalState


Posts: 278
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline 		Your girl may never be a submissive - that's a character trait, and you may just have to accept that.  However, most people aren't all that against being a little inventive in bed, and if you are really into her, then that can easily be enough. 

Sensation play and light bondage is something that even vanilla couples enjoy, so you should very gently try to see if you can get her to try these things. 


Don't ever expect her to become submissive if that's not how she rolls.  Find out, subtly, gently, if she might be, but do not push her comfort levels too much.


_____________________________

Spanking with a smile, living with feeling.

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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 6:50:04 PM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		cure? there is no cure. BDSM is no more an disease than homosexuality is.

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"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 6:58:40 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I actually *do* think that you can know that the person you're with is not a 'sub' or a 'dom' or has 'sub tendencies' or 'dom tendencies'...in a power exchange, there is an energy surrounding the people involved...you can feel the energy coming off the other person. And sometimes they are NOT sub, or dom.
I'm not saying this relationship cannot evolve into something wonderful, I'm just saying if he says she is not 'sub' than I believe him.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 7:04:12 PM   
Aneirin


Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline 		BDSM, Its the way we are wired. I tried for ten years to forget it, but I could'nt, would'nt despite my best efforts. It was a large factor in the break up of my marriage, I was kinky and Dom, my wife was not kinky but tried, it did not work out.

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Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

(in reply to Phin)
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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 7:18:37 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline 		My opinion might be unpopular (seems like many will tell you to end it now cause it'll never work...) but I speak from personal experience:

If you really love her, and she you, stick with it and see where it goes. Relationships are not often the same a year down the road as they were on day one and sometimes surprising things happen that you never could have foreseen. Keep open communication, see a sex therapist if you think that'll help, but continue to grow the relationship based on love and if anything is meant to happen in the D/s realm then it will evolve.

If you absolutely cannot live your life without some sort of bdsm activities or relationships (which is the case for both my partner and myself, so I understand) then perhaps communicating this to her and suggesting that you might look for an open-to-playing-with-others type situation at some point might work. I think that it's great that she's willing to be adventurous and even try the furry handcuffs, and you never know where that might lead. But you should also make sure she knows that you care about her for "her" and not because she may or may not be a submissive. If this is the case then the two of you will no doubt have a solid relationship even without the D/s and maybe she will be open enough to be ok with you playing with other people in the future.

I happen to know numerous couples in the lifestyle whose primary D/s partners are NOT one and the same as their primary romantic partner. I know married couples where the husband like to play with other people and the wife just likes to attend parties to socialize as well as dom/dom couples who each have their own slaves respectively - and pretty much everywhere in between. I strongly believe that 2 people may not be able to be "everything" to one another, sometimes we need something our partner cannot provide. But I'm just as strong a believer that when you meet someone that matches you so well in one way it would be a shame to toss them aside because they don't match you 100%. Try to keep an open mind about what may develop and most of all don't make your relationship contingent on her turning into your dream sub or you turning vanilla as neither are likely to happen. Instead, focus on what you do have in common and what attracts you to one another and work at the rest of it from there, making adjustments as needed.



_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 7:20:51 PM   
ToysAndTies


Posts: 124
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

becoming a sub is a process....allow her to enjoy it...take her to events....classes...munches....dont give up on herself or you, i have converted many... it can be fun!


I'm sorry, but I disagree with this one.  It's not about trying to convert her, it's about expressing a need of yours that you feel isn't being met.  What's a decent parallel... it's like dating a vegetarian.  I don't see the appeal of giving up meat, but I wouldn't force a steak down her throat.  If she isn't into the kinkier aspects of your desires, that's fine, but that in no way means you need to be cured.  Talk about how you can both get what you need, and if not from each other, from others with mutual consent.  Just 2 cents.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: Help! Cure for BDSM? - 3/9/2008 7:45:29 PM   
delawareman


Posts: 12
Joined: 4/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hey all. Thanks so much for the replies. I'll update all of you on this, which actually turns out to be very positive. I had broken the news to her Friday night and she couldn't really wrap her mind around it. Obviously it was bothering both of us for the past couple of days because we were worrying that it could mean the end of our relationship. She expressed desire to come over and for me to explain more and show her toys to help explain the "kinky" better. When she got here I showed her my forum post and everyone's replies so she really understood where I was covering from.

I'm an idiot for judging her. She cried a little bit and I held her. I told her I didn't want her to do anything she didn't want to do just to save our relationship. We talked and she pointed out that she didn't have an aversion to kink, she just had never done it before. She pointed out that just because she hasn't been "submissive" officially before doesn't mean she isn't. This is very much true because all she ever wants to do is please me and I really do make pretty much all the calls  in the bedroom. I showed her a collar (small one hehe) and leather cuffs and she seemed to think they were ok. I told her that I like ropes and gags too. She said the only thing that really scares her is whips and such, which actually turns out to be ok because I'm more into bondage than sadism. Perhaps I'll introduce her to sensual whipping down the line... Anyway, I put the little collar and leather wrist cuffs on her and we proceeded to have some fun sex.

We are both really happy with the way this whole situation seems to have resolved. She is excited to try new things.. and please me. I couldn't be more pleased myself. Thanks for the support and the ideas. Looks like we may have a new kinkster among us :)

(in reply to ToysAndTies)
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