does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (Full Version)

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firmbutloving27 -> does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 7:07:21 PM)

i want some opionions here on a dom and his sub.
some doms feel you have to be abusive to a sub to have her respect you. i diasagree and feel that you still can be firm and authoratative
when you need to and still love and pamper your sub as both are needed on a regular basis.
how do you feel about this
 



breatheasone -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 7:11:12 PM)

If its non-consensual abuse its wrong....My Master beats me...spanks me....whips me... but I like it. He is not being mean....nor is He mad at me when He is doing it. To be mean...hit out of anger or anything of the like in my opinion is wrong and IS NOT any kind of "D" type in my book.



thetammyjo -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 7:13:49 PM)

I use words like "abuse," "rape," "force" and the like to talk about non-consensual activities.

BDSM should be consensual.

So if the people you are talking about are using the terms as I do, then they aren't talking about BDSM or Ds at all, merely attempting to us the lingo to justify their behavior.

Had one sister who survived a person like that. That was one person too many.



RedMagic1 -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 7:15:03 PM)

Not everyone seeks romantic love.  When you define the words "abuse" (not-me things) and "pampering," (non-BDSM but me-things) you are starting to define a set of limits for yourself.  Not only subs have limits.  Doms do too.  For example, I am unwilling to engage in sexual activity with someone unless she will cuddle with me afterward.  Lots of women like this, but some don't.  If they won't respect my limit, it's friends only.

Figure out your hard and soft limits, and search for people who will respect them.



CuriousLord -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 7:17:23 PM)

What's "abusive"?

If you mean if a Dom has to beat his sub?  No, no he doesn't.  He can treat her well and she can be both appy and out of pain.  (Not to imply that a sub can't be both happy and in pain.)



DominaJayde -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 7:17:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: firmbutloving27

i want some opionions here on a dom and his sub.
some doms feel you have to be abusive to a sub to have her respect you. i diasagree and feel that you still can be firm and authoratative when you need to and still love and pamper your sub as both are needed on a regular basis.
how do you feel about this



If the 'abuse' is consentual and part of the dynamic, then thats fine and dandy and whatever floats your boat etc etc, however just being cruel or abusive is not dominance thats abuse, of the bad kind. Personally i'd prefer that My Boys love and adore me because they know I'm firm AND fair, but that I can dish out the discipline when needed.

DJ






celticlord2112 -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 7:20:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: firmbutloving27

i want some opionions here on a dom and his sub.
some doms feel you have to be abusive to a sub to have her respect you. i diasagree and feel that you still can be firm and authoratative
when you need to and still love and pamper your sub as both are needed on a regular basis.
how do you feel about this



Let's baseline some terminology:  Abuse is destructive behavior that erodes a person's self-esteem.  Discipline, however harsh, builds a person's self esteem.

A dominant must respect his own authority enough to enforce it with the slave, or else the slave will not respect him.  That much is most assuredly true.  As such, yes, a dominant must discipline the slave as needed.

Abusing a slave fosters not respect but fear tinged with loathing.  Speaking for myself, I wish my slave to serve me joyously, not fearfully.

There are dominants who abuse their slaves.  Such dominants do not have my respect, nor do I imagine they have that of their slaves.



MrSpectacular -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 7:22:40 PM)

I feel it is only abusive in this community if one has overstepped agreed upon boundaries. For example - spanking someone may be abusive in a vanilla relationship - but is fairly normal for me. However, if I make my partner uncomfortable with something I do that is not agreed upon before time that could be considered abusive. But, it is all relative.



kallisto -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 7:36:32 PM)

I think people are going to have their own opinion of abuse.  Abuse to me is anything stemming from hatred, anger, meanness, etc.     I'm not going to be abused whether it be physically, emotionally, or mentally by anyone.   I want my Dom to have authority over me, discipline me, be firm with me, command and demand from me.   Submitting to him does not give him the right to abuse me.    



LaTigresse -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 7:47:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: firmbutloving27

i want some opionions here on a dom and his sub.
some doms feel you have to be abusive to a sub to have her respect you. i diasagree and feel that you still can be firm and authoratative
when you need to and still love and pamper your sub as both are needed on a regular basis.
how do you feel about this



"Does a dominant have to be abusive to his or her submissive? This dominant prays she is never be abusive.



peppermint -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 7:52:24 PM)

I'll skip quickly over the abusive part of this.  A D/s relationship is not abusive but may contain S/M.  Not sure how abuse and respect go together.  They don't seem to have anything in common.  

There is nothing that a Dominant "has" to do to a sub.  Dominantss do not have any one activity in common that makes them Dominant.  Some Dominants may love and pamper...some may not.  Some Dominants like B/D...some do not.  Some Dominants do S/M...some do not. 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 8:05:48 PM)

Well there are quite a few doms AND subs who don't understand how love, kindness, gentility, softness and giving can be dominant.

Of course they can be.



nwcutie102 -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 8:06:05 PM)

i think as a sub, being coddled and loved and spoiled is part of the whole dynamic. the discipline, spanking and verbal orders come with the sensual side of things. treat me like a lady out of the bedroom, like a whore in the bedroom. i like both.



Nikolette -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 8:07:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: firmbutloving27

i want some opionions here on a dom and his sub.
some doms feel you have to be abusive to a sub to have her respect you. i diasagree and feel that you still can be firm and authoratative
when you need to and still love and pamper your sub as both are needed on a regular basis.
how do you feel about this



As others have mentioned, I refrain from calling anything in a consensual D/s relationship abuse unless its actual abuse. Abuse is very simple to me: Violation of another person's boundaries and natural right to be harm-free and generally degrading their quailty of life. Again, as other's have stated in a consensual environment, physical violence and verbal humilation and etc are not neccessarily abusive if it falls in with what the two people have knowingly agreed to.

I believe abuse DOES happen in BDSM relationships, perhaps more frequently than most of us would like to believe. But I do not believe abuse ever HAS to be a part of anything.

For that matter, violence, humilation and other things of that nature ALSO do not HAVE to be a part of BDSM. I know many people who enjoy only the more sensual aspects of BDSM. I know people who adore mostly the physical violence of it. And a whole slew in between. I try to emphasize though on the point of things being consensual. I was just telling a good friend the other day that no one in BDSM has to follow a "conventional" set of standards in their BDSM relationships. Its perfectly fine and generally recommended to figure out what you want, and want you are looking for in another individual and find someone who reflects what you are searching for. There are no real actual standards. There is simply what works for YOU.

And to reiterate as I often do in these types of posts: No one EVER does anything to deserve or warrent abuse. EVERYONE is of value and has the right to be safe, healthy, and free from harm. If you think you are being abused or just need someone to talk to, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit http://www.ndvh.org/ or http://loveisrespect.org/ and please know you are not alone.



tigerstyle -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 8:31:25 PM)

The reason that we "abuse" our subs is so that we don't have to abuse them.



knotslandingdom -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 8:39:19 PM)

Quick answer to any question that starts out "does a dom have to" is NO. 



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 8:49:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: firmbutloving27

i want some opionions here on a dom and his sub.
some doms feel you have to be abusive to a sub to have her respect you. i diasagree and feel that you still can be firm and authoratative
when you need to and still love and pamper your sub as both are needed on a regular basis.
how do you feel about this

There are all sorts of Dominants,many varied submissives and a plethora of relationships, each a dynamic unto themselves...Also there are many definitions of abuse...what may be abuse to you, is not to another..As a Dominant, you have the ability to run your dynamic in any way you wish, and attract the submissives who desire this kind of Dominance...BTW, excellent way to get your profile viewed by the submissives..[;)]..Tempting



MissMagnolia -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/16/2008 9:00:02 PM)

[sm=applause.gif] to Celtic Lords response.

OP, it is up to the individuals who consent to physicalities. Some, like breatheasone, enjoy physical pain/use. Some don't. Either way, it should always be something that was discussed and agreed upon by all parties.

For myself, I have never used physical punishment on a slave. It is simply not in my nature and other punishments, if needed, get my point across much better. But that's me.



Justme696 -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/17/2008 1:46:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: firmbutloving27

i want some opionions here on a dom and his sub.
some doms feel you have to be abusive to a sub to have her respect you. i diasagree and feel that you still can be firm and authoratative
when you need to and still love and pamper your sub as both are needed on a regular basis.
how do you feel about this



the girl I mentor right now..just needs my "look" to obey....
If I ask her something...she answers always... or I get the remark..."you will make me answer anyway".
I am not an abbusive person anyway... and honestly..if I need to correct a girl like that often...she doesn't want to be my sub...and she will be released.
Not gonna beat a girl in shape.

btw : I see the word "abbussive"..as something against her will..outside rules one agreed on.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: does a dom have to be abbusive to his sub (2/17/2008 2:22:14 AM)

Ever been in the military? Who is more respected, the leader who rules through fear of punishment and shame or the one who builds his or her troops? Yes, you can rule by fear, but eventually the moral will either cause desertion or mutiny. High moral breeds loyalty.

Master Fire



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