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RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/14/2008 8:01:34 PM   
SirJohnMandevill


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Plethora22

Thanks for the quick replies all!

First off, I just want to clarify, I am not in any way looking for justification to cheat.  I do not want to, I merely fear that if I find myself in the wrong situation and wrong state of mind I may not stop myself (which of course means I should avoid "wrong situations" but who can always predict the future right?)

Anyway, I genuinely have tried to communicate every thought in my head.  I have told her my suspicions that there is never going to be a right person and she quite simply tells me this is not true.  I have tried to express that this is a pretty important thing to me, though I have not gone so far as to call it a need.  My latest theory is that she is just afraid to tell me that no she is not interested, that because it is important that that may mean the end to the relationship, so she is kind of I don't know, stalling, until she can come up with a better solution.  It is unlike her to not communicate with me directly, so I'll probably just tell her my theory and see what she thinks, lol.

The other possibility is that I really do just need to be patient.  I gotta say though I'd be a lot more ok with that if she could be more specific about exactly why certain people won't work than just saying, all the time, to everyone, "it just doesn't feel right", or some equivilent.



You need to trust your Mistress' judgement. From your OP, it sounds as if you've had a long-lasting, satisfying relationship in which she has led and you have followed. Give it a while longer.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)

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(in reply to Plethora22)
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RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/14/2008 8:39:53 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

If you are looking for approval from Me, you won't get it--first of all its not about you, you can express your desires, but at the end of the day, She holds the game plan--if you know you are going to cheat if this doesn't happen YOUR way--do Her a favor and move on, because with this thinking you bring dishonor to Her. True love? Life commitment--not with those thoughts.
The statement above expresses my thoughts on this issue...good post LadyH.....Tempting

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RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/15/2008 3:10:42 AM   
Reflectivesoul


Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Plethora22


First off, I just want to clarify, I am not in any way looking for justification to cheat.  I do not want to, I merely fear that if I find myself in the wrong situation and wrong state of mind I may not stop myself (which of course means I should avoid "wrong situations" but who can always predict the future right?)


*snip, color code, end snip*

This here and of itsself DOES indicate to *me* that you ARE in fact looking for some sort of justifcation twords either finding a way to " get away with it" or finding it on your own. In your own posts you have given yourself a way to excuse what you are wanting to do. Not nice... .
 
If this is so important to you and She is himming and hawing about it then you'd be much better off to realize her hesitancy and finding out what bothers her about it, versus serving yourself and complaing poor me cause I cant play with other people. You are not the main priority in this relationship, although from your posts you are putting your needs higher up on your list than her own.
 
If I had a boy telling me all the time that he was wanting something and he was even willing to process a thought about doing it on his own, without my consent and without my input, he'd be out on his ass in a heartbeat. Let alone you aparently have told her that you're willing to go outside of the relationship, behind her back, to serve your own needs... Wouldnt make me a very willing participant. Yet you continue to wonder why she has not allowed this to happen. I wouldnt allow it either, and bullying/brow beating someone with " I'll do it with or without you" is manipulation, which She has aparently either not realized yet or is trying to process without ending what She may feel is a good relationship, dont know cause *I* cant ask her.
 
I can say that if I found out one of mine had gone as far as you have, to post this, to be browsing and fantasizing about other people somewhere... *shakes head* again he's be on his way out so fast...
 
( not saying that people cant fantasize but damn, to do so without a feeling for what that may and can do to your partner, thats just cold, especially when in this context its a self serving thing.. its obviously not a relationship goal that was ever discussed in depth in the beginning)
 
I whole heartedly agree with LadyH about your saying its such a great relationship....
 
Anyhow I could rant further but I'm betting it would just off track so I'm gonna go away shaking my head at this one...

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(in reply to Plethora22)
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RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/15/2008 11:04:46 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		If your not looking for a justifaction to cheat then why this post???

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/15/2008 11:31:51 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		He could honestly wonder if she 'has' decided to just keep saying 'no, not the right one, no, not that one...etc'.
I know I'd wonder after a while.

~Christina

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A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/15/2008 12:40:42 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

If you are looking for approval from Me, you won't get it--first of all its not about you, you can express your desires, but at the end of the day, She holds the game plan--if you know you are going to cheat if this doesn't happen YOUR way--do Her a favor and move on, because with this thinking you bring dishonor to Her. True love? Life commitment--not with those thoughts.


I disagree here. A D/s relationship is still a relationship, and is therefore about two people, not one. What game plan? A rigid, inflexible set of rules? Relationships are about people, D/s or otherwise, and people change, so therefore relationships change, and as the people change and develop and grow, so does the relationship develop and grow. Being dominant isn't about having power, it's about managing it effectively to maintain control of the relationship. Nobody wants to be stifled in a relationship, irrespective of whether they're submissive or dominant.

If the OP was so intent on cheating I doubt he would have made such an issue out of it by posting here on these boards. This is a very difficult issue, bringing a third person into a successful relationship, even if it's just for a play situation. It cannot be rushed into, and both people need to be unified and agreed on who and how that third person comes into the part of the relationship offered. It's sharing an intimate part of the relationship with an outsider.

I don't buy the 'if my needs aren't met then I'll be forced to cheat' argument. The words in the OP are there in black and white - they either carry some sort of meaning or they don't. If communication is so great, then why does this situation exist in the first place? How come the OP doesn't know how his Dominant feels about what he desires?

Maybe she is telling the truth and is waiting for the 'right person', but feels insecure and unsure? I see plenty of room for concessions and compromise in this situation which would replace the impasse and all it requires is a proper open, frank discussion.

A D/s relationship is not about one person, and this is true as much for the submissive as it is for the Dominant. You can't get everything you want and experience everything you want all then time, especially if you're in a relationship, you have to learn to compromise and let go of certain desires.

How long is a stable relationship anyway? 2 years? 5 years? 25 years? Good words and intentions are wonderful but they mean nothing unless they're backed up by actions and commitment. I see the words here, but I don't see any actions or commitment. I don't also see any value in any sort of submission which doesn't put the needs and the feelings of the Dominant as first priority.

A D/s relationship is a transaction, this is why it's called a 'power exchange', it's about give and take, about compromise, and even though the Dominant ultimately has control, it's still a relationship about two people.

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(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/15/2008 3:02:07 PM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline 		Judging from the tone of your post, you are eager to have an experience. You're fixated on it, you want it, and it's heavily on your mind. The more you think about it, the more you want it so much that you might think that you need it, and it's clouding your judgement. You don't seem to care a whole lot about who fulfills this fantasy, you just really really want to experience it. It's a common malesub dilemma.

Your partner, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have a particular interest in this fantasy of yours personally, but seems to either A) be willing to entertain and pursue the idea or B) is giving it lipservice. Have you spoken with her about what her idea of the "right person" is? You seem to be really wrapped up and excited about an experience, which is common from males; she, on the other hand, seems to care more about who is involved. This is a common conflict between malesubs and... any female.

Stop and think about things and what factors are involved. First, you need to come to agreement with your partner about who you are looking for and in what capacity. Then you need to find someone that not only meets those desires for both of you... but also has to be interested in what is being offered. That is overall a pretty tall order, especially if she doesn't share your interest and zeal to begin with, so she may not be sure exactly how to pursue the situation.

As always, communicate. Seriously. You say the two of you communicate well with eachother, but do you know what it is that she would like in these others? Do you know what she doesn't want, or what doubts she might have about the situation? You mention that you have brought it up to her that you don't think the right person exists for her. What characteristics make the "right" person? How long have the two of you been pursuing this idea? Do you trust her when she says that she is addressing your fantasy and that you need to be patient? She may very well be hesitant or stalling, but she is probably right that you need to be patient as well. You both have needs that need to be met here.

Since a bit of your fantasy seems to revolve around exhibitionism a bit, I'd like to ask if the two of you have played in public at all (play party or dungeon)? If not, that may be a baby step in the right direction that could start to satisfy your desire to be used in front of people, but help quell any uncertainty she may have about bringing another directly into your environment. It's a baby step, but you have to learn to walk before you can run. :)



< Message edited by iammachine -- 2/15/2008 3:03:54 PM >

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RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/15/2008 3:18:51 PM   
MistressNoName


Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		OP,

There has been some interesting opinions expressed here. Some I agree with. Some not so much. My opinion? I think you need information. I think you need to find out exactly what your Mistress means by the "right person," so that everyone is clear and on the same page. What are the qualities she needs to see in an individual in order for her to feel comfortable to give the go-ahead. That's one piece. The other is you need to understand whether she feels she is being manipulated by your very strong desire...or being pushed by you to do something she has already expressed she is not entirely comfortable with. Because that may be hitching her giddy-yap, as well. And finally, she simply may not be open to poly-play. Period. In which case, you have some decisions to make. And I do not recommend at all entertaining the cheating option. Throw that choice out with the bath water. And best to you.

MNN

Addendum: Keep in mind though, it's her perogative <sp?> whether to share this information with you, so be very respectful in the asking and have no expectation regarding this sharing - as she may have good reason NOT to share. But, it does not hurt to ask, generally speaking, if done respectfully and within the protocol of your particular power dynamic. And again, you have choices. Choose well.

< Message edited by MistressNoName -- 2/15/2008 3:34:12 PM >

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(in reply to iammachine)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/15/2008 4:35:46 PM   
Paulsgirl


Posts: 249
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Plethora22



I'm in a monogamous relationship which I have been in for close to six years. 

then this is the problem IMPO

(in reply to Plethora22)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/15/2008 5:06:06 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		disclaimer:  i didn't read all of the responses, so if i am repeating something, i appologize...

quote:

The problem we are now having is that she says she is willing to try it "with the right person/people", but after both of us posting people on collarme, meeting people, making friends in the scene, etc, not a single person we have met or spoken with is, apparently, "the right person", and I highly suspect (in fact I am pretty sure) that whomever "the right person" is does not exist. I have, of course, told her this too. The impass, now, is that she says that this is not true and that I just need to be patient.


it does take a long time to find a third person...think of how long it takes the average person just to find one person to be with...now you are looking for a single person that wants to be with a couple and all three of your personalities have to match up and all three of your relationship goals have to match up, and hopefully all three of your life's goals match up...it takes a while to find that third...some are lucky, some compromise...i'd go with what your dominant says, be patient...though i know it sucks...

quote:


So of late I've just been having this somewhat irrational fear. Firstly I feel bad that this is even an issue, I'd just as soon purge myself of the desire completely and consider the problem solved, of course I'm sure others on this site understand how difficult it can often be to purge such desires, if it is even possible. Secondly, this is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, forever and always, blah blah blah, but I fear that this desire will never be met with her and thus my self discipline will eventually break down and I will cheat. That, I think, is the biggest fear of the bunch. And lastly I fear that I will have to suppress it for the rest of my life if I want to maintain a happy relationship in the long term. Not an attractive thought, but I'm sure I wouldn't be the first to take that route.


both of the bolded statements are a yellow flags to me...the first one...if you were able to purge yourself of this desire, wouldn't you have done so already? or are you trying to make up for something else lacking? i don't know..not trying to make accusations, just trying to suggest some other possibilities since this issue has the potential to cause such havock in your life...and if it is something else, then introducing another into your relationship won't fix it....

as for the second statement...i don't know if you have told your signifigant other about it or not but if you have not, you need to, after all how can she help you with the trouble you are going through if she doesn't know about it, and obviously it is causing you some major distress.....

thats all for now
good luck
chelle


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One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to Plethora22)
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RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/16/2008 6:54:13 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Some of us are monogamous.

Some of us are poly.

Some of us frankly are asexual.

Some of us are loners.

I don't think you can make yourself what you aren't without serious risk to your mind and emotional state.

I don't think you can make her what she isn't either.

One possibility I don't know of you've discussed is you seeing someone else at a public play party or dungeon for example or a professional top. That could offer you the experiences without immediate emotional connection that she fear. That would be a very common and natural fear in my opinion.

I wish I could help more but I'm poly, Tom's poly, and Fox is poly -- it's been a very long time since we had to deal with any who wasn't and is strongly connected to our family as play partner or intimate. All I can remember from years ago is that the monogamous person didn't work with us.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/16/2008 8:28:57 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNoName
Because that may be hitching her giddy-yap,


That is GREAT! I may have to steal that one...

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A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/16/2008 9:48:41 PM   
MistressNoName


Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNoName
Because that may be hitching her giddy-yap,


That is GREAT! I may have to steal that one...


Feel free!

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/17/2008 1:20:04 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		relations are hard..because people are involved...and people are hard to understand.
besides that ..in life things happen with out introduction..and change a person or a relation...

it is eassier  to survive russian roulette then a relation


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RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/17/2008 5:47:17 PM   
Feric


Posts: 227
Joined: 1/9/2008
From: San Francisco
Status: offline 		>Oh why oh why are relationships so hard??

Because human beings are so complicated.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/17/2008 6:01:47 PM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline 		You said the equvilant of my thoughts so I will let lay your words.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Letting in the wrong people can be a huge mistake.

Have some trust and patience. Prioritize, is your obsession worth more than your partner?

Pick one, and stick with it.


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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/17/2008 6:13:54 PM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline 		There are other ideas to be spawned from this. Talk with her and see if a bit more exhibitionism on her part might help quell some of your "needs" (to be). This is also a new venue for her (I would wager) so also needs time and patince with the introduction.
quote:

ORIGINAL: iammachine


...Since a bit of your fantasy seems to revolve around exhibitionism a bit, I'd like to ask if the two of you have played in public at all (play party or dungeon)? If not, that may be a baby step in the right direction that could start to satisfy your desire to be used in front of people, but help quell any uncertainty she may have about bringing another directly into your environment. It's a baby step, but you have to learn to walk before you can run. :)




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"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol - 2/17/2008 7:31:44 PM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Life wasnt meant to be easy folks...

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Profile   Post #: 38
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