Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (Full Version)

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Plethora22 -> Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 11:23:56 AM)

Hello everyone, thank you in advance for reading what I can't help but think is going to come off as nothing more than whining.  :)

I'm in a monogamous relationship which I have been in for close to six years.  The two of us get along great, enjoy each others company, etc. etc. etc.  In other words, this is a very happy relationship, and I genuinely do not wish to end it. 

She is dominant and I am submissive, and I would consider our relationship in the bdsm sense great as well.  The problem I/we are having is pretty simple.  I have a pretty deep interest in involving other people in our playtimes from time to time.  Not always, not even often.  I've never done anything even close to it and its an idea that after six years of trying just doesn't seem to want to go away.  I find myself trying to plan out ways to cheat and get away with it.  I browse ads here on collarme and have various fantasies involving multiple dommes and/or multiple subs and start thinking of ways to make them come true without her knowing.

Now, we have talked about all this.  I'd say one of the biggest reasons we have a good relationship is that we do communicate.  She has even said she is willing to try even though its not really her thing.  (Just to be specific, most of my interest lies in some of the more tame possibilities, humiliation at the hands of multiple women (possibly men too, to be honest), objectification in front of others, etc.  I'm really not talking about wanting to have orgies or anything directly sexual at all).

The problem we are now having is that she says she is willing to try it "with the right person/people", but after both of us posting people on collarme, meeting people, making friends in the scene, etc, not a single person we have met or spoken with is, apparently, "the right person", and I highly suspect (in fact I am pretty sure) that whomever "the right person" is does not exist.  I have, of course, told her this too.  The impass, now, is that she says that this is not true and that I just need to be patient.

So of late I've just been having this somewhat irrational fear.  Firstly I feel bad that this is even an issue, I'd just as soon purge myself of the desire completely and consider the problem solved, of course I'm sure others on this site understand how difficult it can often be to purge such desires, if it is even possible.  Secondly, this is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, forever and always, blah blah blah, but I fear that this desire will never be met with her and thus my self discipline will eventually break down and I will cheat.  That, I think, is the biggest fear of the bunch.  And lastly I fear that I will have to suppress it for the rest of my life if I want to maintain a happy relationship in the long term.  Not an attractive thought, but I'm sure I wouldn't be the first to take that route.

Anyway, I would sincerely like any opinions or suggestions anyone here has.

Thanks in advance.



toservez -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 11:46:00 AM)

I do not think anyone can give you a fact that “the right person” means a certain thing because it could absolutely be a code phrase for never going to happen or it could be she just has not found the right person or is not there yet for the person to be found.

Bringing in other regardless of the dynamic is a very big deal compatibility wise. I have never been in a serious pure monogamous relationship and even I know that if I was with someone that way that my first, second and third thought would be to deal with the fact that is how it is going to be. I am guessing some might reply you are looking for approval to cheat or communicate back to her that this is a need not just a desire but I offer no such thing nor any judgment.

In the end you have to decide if this is going to break your relationship if you do not involve others and/or if you do eventually stray to understand the ramifications. Involving others is not a normal hard/soft limit thing. It is on a higher level any pushing let alone pushing to where she breaks down and consents has the ability to cause serious damage.

My only advice is if she has not directly rules it out then keep trying but avoid pushing and deal with your urges by focusing on what is important to you which you claim to be is your relationship.



Nineveh -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 11:48:52 AM)

Being the member of a couple who is more interested in pursuing something poly i think i have some idea of what you are going through.  I have, happily, at least somewhat of an idea of what my wife means by the right person because there have been some that have been approved for play.  All I can think of as far as advice goes is to try to ask her what it is about each person that makes them wrong, it depends on how your Mistress thinks though.  My wife tends to be very lucid and specific about this sort of thing, partly because I have forced her to, so that worked well for me, might not work as well for you.  I also do strongly reccomend patience.  It looks like you have a very satisfying relationship, and if you start getting the urge to cheat you should definitely talk to her about it before you make any sort of serious step, even a fairly tentative one.  If you do manage to do it chances are she will find out eventually, and if she does, and chooses to forgive you, that will make getting anything like that to happen ever again at elast 10 times as hard.  The other possibility, of course, is that you will lose what sounds like an excellent relationship.



littlebitxxx -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 11:52:59 AM)

If I've read you right....you would like to involve others in play and she doesn't really want to.  She is willing to concede IF "the right person" is found but so far no one seems to be right enough for her to accept.  If you have the feeling she is stonewalling the process I would probably agree with you.  It sounds like manipulation of the situation instead of outright communication. 

"I will but ONLY if the right person is involved."  And the silent whisper...."I'll just make sure there isn't any right person."

How about asking her if that's what she's doing?  Pointblank.  Then you'll at least have an answer as to what's going on.  And you can tell her your strong feelings about this and your fear of having to cheat on her to fulfill them.  Does she even know how strongly you feel about it? 

No real answers, sorry, just more questions.  Tough spot to be in.



SailingBum -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 12:06:26 PM)

Yea your whining.  Suck it up deal with it or move on.
BadOne



Plethora22 -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 12:06:29 PM)

Thanks for the quick replies all!

First off, I just want to clarify, I am not in any way looking for justification to cheat.  I do not want to, I merely fear that if I find myself in the wrong situation and wrong state of mind I may not stop myself (which of course means I should avoid "wrong situations" but who can always predict the future right?)

Anyway, I genuinely have tried to communicate every thought in my head.  I have told her my suspicions that there is never going to be a right person and she quite simply tells me this is not true.  I have tried to express that this is a pretty important thing to me, though I have not gone so far as to call it a need.  My latest theory is that she is just afraid to tell me that no she is not interested, that because it is important that that may mean the end to the relationship, so she is kind of I don't know, stalling, until she can come up with a better solution.  It is unlike her to not communicate with me directly, so I'll probably just tell her my theory and see what she thinks, lol.

The other possibility is that I really do just need to be patient.  I gotta say though I'd be a lot more ok with that if she could be more specific about exactly why certain people won't work than just saying, all the time, to everyone, "it just doesn't feel right", or some equivilent.



lateralist1 -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 12:08:35 PM)

Sometimes the best relationship ever can not completely fulfil one or both parties.
People are just too complicated. I have never believed in monogomy for that reason.
If someone needs to be faithful that's great but some of us don't.
BDSM isn't sex but I have a feeling that it's the same thing.
However power, trust and honesty should never be abused.
I've been told that there are camps in America where people who are interested in BDSM go for a holiday. Mass humiliation is sometimes indulged in.
Maybe that's the answer. Thrills with strangers isn't my bag but it maybe yours.



Leatherist -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 12:09:34 PM)

Letting in the wrong people can be a huge mistake.

Have some trust and patience. Prioritize, is your obsession worth more than your partner?

Pick one, and stick with it.



DesFIP -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 12:12:53 PM)

What about a pro domme then. Ask if she would be okay if a pro or two tag teamed you to humiliate/torture you. Guaranteed nothing sexual. She could even come and make the lines of what they can do or can't do clear, she could watch if she's up to that, be there for aftercare, etc.



littlebitxxx -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 12:13:17 PM)

Hmmm, the proverbial rock and the hard place.
Could it be that if she says "No. Period. I don't want to do that."  she may think that you'll leave her for someone who will?  You may be right in that she is trying to come up with a softer solution rather than putting her foot down.
Then your bigger dilemma would be that, once knowing her final answer, do you stay or go?  Is this something that would break the total deal?  Can you live with not having outsiders in? 
Hard as it may be, it almost sounds like a good time for a "down and dirty" communication session.  Baring feelings and needs and fears of consequences and getting to the root of all this.  Better than carrying on not knowing though.



Estring -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 12:14:02 PM)

You are 24 years old. I don't know the age of your Domme, but I expect she is older. At 24, you are probably not ready to settle down yet. It doesn't matter that you are happy with this girl. It is not enough.



TotalState -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 12:14:37 PM)

Sounds like you are pretty obsessed with this fantasy of yours.  You do realize that it may easily not turn out to be all that great - chemistry is difficult to achieve with multiple people - right?

That aside, perhaps she would consent to having a pro domme helping?  That way, she'd at least be sure to control the scene, because the pro would be more likely to be, well, professional about it.  I know that it would be a concern of mine if my submissive wanted to have multiple dominants in a scene that I ultimately called the shots on what is done with her.

But in the end, you can't make this a showstopper for your relationship.  I mean, it's a pretty difficult fantasy to make happen in the first place - it's the vanilla equivalent of an orgy, and your burning desire for it may be making her question herself and her worth to you!  You have to reassure her that you are still in to her, even if you don't get this particular fantasy fulfilled. 



toservez -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 12:20:24 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Plethora22

The other possibility is that I really do just need to be patient.  I gotta say though I'd be a lot more ok with that if she could be more specific about exactly why certain people won't work than just saying, all the time, to everyone, "it just doesn't feel right", or some equivilent.



I would ask her if she feels you are pushing more then any other question. Maybe the reason you do not get a direct answer is if she gives one like “none of them have been tall enough” that you would sprint out the door looking for the first tall one you could find.

If she is true to her words it is not just finding the other one it is her coming to terms still. There still could be a journey from the lets try to time to do it in mind preparation. Maybe she is not there and feels rushed. Often men take a reason in a vaccuum and think of a quick fix when often a reason is just more complex.



sweetwenchie -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 12:22:57 PM)

What about possibly playing with others at a public party?  No worry about finding the perfect other person, as it is not about finding the perfect match, rather it would be about enjoying a particular scenario.

just a thought



Lashra -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 12:35:20 PM)

I think you should show her this post so she knows exactly how you feel and whats going through your head. I think your in a hurry for something to happen and she's taking her time, being selective. When you try to rush things they usually end in a cluster fuck. Do yourself and her a favor talk, let her know that your seriously considering going outside of the relationship to find what it is that you desire. That way she can make a choice about how she wishes to proceed in the relationship, there is a chance it could be to end it..

Good luck,
~Lashra



Hauptmann -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 12:45:47 PM)

I think that if you are genuinely submissive you can, of course, make pleasommendations. However that being said you cannot expect your top to do anything but what he/she pleases. That is the nature of things.

Question is, do you want to be submissive or do you just want to engage in threesomes?

When your top is ready, he/she is ready. nuff said.



WalterRego -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 1:12:34 PM)

It's kind of unclear to me what sort of advice you are asking for here. Perhaps I'm a purist but to the extent you say that She is your dominant and you are her submissive and that this is a monogomous relationship, the answer is fairly clear.....if she doesn't want it, for whatever reason, it doesn't happen. Same as if she did or didn't want anything else. Like she wanting you to be in chastity and you wanting to jerk off.

So, dispite the title you gave this thread, it's not relationships that are hard. But this relationship,  for you,  and the element of submission to her within it. 

Yearn for it, beg for it if she allows, look for a compromise,  but in the end....deal with it. "Discipline" doesn't just mean corporal punishment it's also living within a set of rules and order: Hers; self control as much as control from the outside.  

On the otherhand, you are pretty young  - 24 you say -  and if this relationship has been going on for 6 years it may be your first or it may just  be time for you to  try something else or move on.  Discuss it with her and then move on forthrightly before you start cheating. If you've already been looking in the ads and trying to figure out how to do it, seems to me the next step is close. 



xxblushesxx -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 2:31:26 PM)

I can speak for myself. I am very very careful about anyone I would allow to 'play' with either one of us.
We have looked, and so far, we haven't found someone we're both comfortable with.
I have final say, even though I'm the slave, 'cause He lets me. And because He wouldn't want to force me to submit to someone I didn't like as a person, and was not attracted to in 'that' way.
It takes time.
Sometimes it takes A LOT of time.
I certainly don't whisper to myself that I will just make sure we don't find the right person.
But I also don't settle. Bad things could happen if I do.
Best of luck to ya.

~Christina



BlackPhx -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 6:40:17 PM)

Master would like to share me for a Dance with another Master. We are both highly particular about who it will be. NOT due to sexual reasons, but psycho-social mixture dynamics as well as skills and needs. If the Dom ultimately chosen does not match us in the type of dance he needs, then ultimately it is not going to be satisfactory for any of us involved. He's not going to get what he needs, Master is not going to be satisfied on his part and well as the slave in the middle it would be nice if I wasn't fighting what was done, but could relax into it.

This may be one of the problems that your Mistress is having. Since this is your fantasy, and she at least indicates some willingness to do it, she has several things to consider in talking with others, Compatability of needs, assurance of no intent to poach (Dom/inas can be very, very posessive), type of scene, space, a great many things. Perhaps it might be easier for both of you to attend a club and let things flow service wise without stepping into the arena of whips and chains. Small steps can take you on long journeys.

poenkitten



LadyHathor -> RE: Oh why oh why are relationships so hard?? lol (2/14/2008 7:39:40 PM)

If you are looking for approval from Me, you won't get it--first of all its not about you, you can express your desires, but at the end of the day, She holds the game plan--if you know you are going to cheat if this doesn't happen YOUR way--do Her a favor and move on, because with this thinking you bring dishonor to Her. True love? Life commitment--not with those thoughts.



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