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Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 5:13:03 PM   
Inyourthoughts


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/22/2005
Status: offline 		While  browsing  through profiles on here I saw some ladies  advertising and stating  that  they cannot find decent male submissives.  I intitially thought that this would be highly unlikely to be the case,  but now I can see this happening, having looked at some Domme profiles.
 
I have been on alt for years and had a discussion with a female subbie about relationships and finding partners on the scene.  She said she was having difficulties and I was amazed.  I  pointed out to her that men outnumber women by around 50 to 1 on the scene so it shouldn't be a problem.  Her response was that 49.5 of those  are unsuitable.  I re-wrote her profile and  she  got a much better response and is now married, although her hubbie has gone subbie on her..so not that much of a roaring success.
 
I was originally submissive when I entered the scene, and had some very good relationships,  but  there were certain conditions which I personally liked, and are pretty much universal amongst subbies of whatever gender;
 
a)  wording in profiles..... might seem very sceney but doesn't work if you
      don't know the person from Adam.  I live in a 400k house, professionally
     qualified in two vocations, care about people around me ( which is why
     I do my current job ) and run around in a ragtop Bee-em and a TVR,  I
    am  therefore not 'worthless scum not fit to lick your shoes'.  Some male
    doms are equally guilty of stating this so this isn't a gender-specific moan.
    A subbie is going to run a mile if there is the slightest hint of any real
    mental or physical abuse.
 
b)  Language in profiles....swearing isn't big and it isn't clever, it is just a case
     of not being able to think of anything else to say....it also suggests a lack
     of self-control...big turn off, apologies to those in our community with
     Tourette's.
 
c)  Poly stuff.  I would never be a 'second-string-subbie' to anybody...  
     whether sub or dom personally I have only wished to be with one partner
     and don't share. I will give myself within the scene and outside it to that
     person in total so expect them to do the same....this isn't a revolutionary
     subbie thought but a question of valuing an individual's hope's and
     emotions.  Also as the relationship develops the play gets better and 
     better, there is much more at stake as I believe scene relationships are
     deeper that vanilla ones...which is part of the attraction for me, why
     spoil it if you value your partner by involving a third party?
 
d)  Tribute.....bong..next...if I wanted to be bled dry by someone I have
     never met I would respond to all the lovely emails I get from nice ladies
     in Ghana who want to marry me.

     I got 'adopted' by two dommes at a club many years ago when I first 
     started, and that lasted a year until I had to move away...it was
     excellent,  they were very demanding and quite brutal, but I would do
     anything for them as there was that underlying mutual respect as
     people, so it was a genuine case of trying to please them rather than
     just playing a game.

     I have taken this approach as a dom too...as I sought one partner who
     would live with me and it would be a full relationship, and has worked
     well with my subbie of three years. 

     The internet is a wonderful means for people with our interests to meet,
     however it does have it's downside....it is very easy to fake yourself on
     the net....I proved this by making a fake profile on alt...and it was two
     weeks before people saw that the photo I had  used was Dale Winton....
     I just wanted to prove a point.  It  also hides  the married people and
     those already  in a relationship and who just want a bit of online or
     occasional r/t fun.......shame on them. I think  that men are much more
     likely to 'play away' than women..perhaps this may be unfair but I
     think it is the case.
 
     I think everybody wants  their soulmate,  there is a lot at stake
     emotionally, and being part of this lifestyle there are many more
     pieces of the jigsaw to fit together to make it work....and I think we
     become much more guarded in our emotions as we advance in years
     too. 
 
     The fact that men are generally more used to doing the approaching
     probably doesn't help either.  Females, whether sub or domme, will
     be inundated with replies whereas it is quite difficult for a lady of
     whatever leaning to approach a man as it isn't the 'done' thing.
 
     Crabs scare me, they are like spiders but made with fish
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 5:24:15 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		While I understand what you are trying to say, with all due respect, you assume that these things are true for the many and in fact they are not.  Poly would be a good example of something that is acceptable to quite a few and I in no way agree that if one is insterested in poly they should not state it up front.  It is not something that many would agree to even with the best relationship and many don't "grow into" it over time.  Not being upfront about it may very well end up in disaster.

Although it is certainly controversial, there are many who do in fact pay tribute willingly and again, this is not something one should hide if it is in fact a requirement they seek.

I can tell you however, that having read your profile, I would not be interested due to this statement:
"4) Whatever has been planned has be thought out and reviewed with mutual interests in mind,  subbie input or negotiation isn't necessary"
 
While you appear to think you have a feel for what "most subs" think and desire, I can tell you from your own statements here and on your profile, you do not for many on these boards.
 

 
 

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 12/22/2007 5:50:49 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Inyourthoughts)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 5:28:32 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

subbie input or negotiation isn't necessary"


I have never seen that stated in a profile before, how novel

I would have to agree... that phrase would turn me off too


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 5:30:02 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		Laurell,
I am responding to the OP also here but what you said was more relevant.

I was stuck on his obvious distaste of poly.  I am not here to meet my "soul" or "sole" mate, and even if I did, he'd be poly too or it just wouldn't work.  Its fine that the OP doesn't like poly, just move along then.

OP, my wolf is not secondary to my scene friend who was with me first.  Nor is my friend secondary to my wolf; they are separate and distinct and I feel warmly for both of them. 

Lady Jag



_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 5:33:28 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PsyVamp

Laurell,
I am responding to the OP also here but what you said was more relevant.

I was stuck on his obvious distaste of poly.  I am not here to meet my "soul" or "sole" mate, and even if I did, he'd be poly too or it just wouldn't work.  Its fine that the OP doesn't like poly, just move along then.

OP, my wolf is not secondary to my scene friend who was with me first.  Nor is my friend secondary to my wolf; they are separate and distinct and I feel warmly for both of them. 

Lady Jag




I think we're on the same page, but to make sure, I'm perfectly respectful of the fact that the OP doesn't desire poly, I personally do not either.  However, his OP seems to be a generalization of what he believes subs want overall, which obviously is always going to be flawed.  We are all individuals, not just roles.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to PsyVamp)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 5:37:34 PM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline 		THIS was my red flag:
 
5) Being  hung upside  down from a tree in the garden will not result in you being eaten by garden spiders
 
Ignoring my fears because of some perfectly logical explanation you may have does not just make them go away. It's called a PHOBIA...... definition: irrational fear.
 
Laugh all you want. I didn't consent to submitting to the spiders. 

_____________________________

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 5:46:41 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		Yes, we are on the same page, that not everyone is here for the same thing and there is no "one way" to do anything. 
Just because he doesn't like something, doesn't mean that every other submissive (or dominant) thinks the same way.
I used my examples to show the OP part of another way of thinking.

Lady Jag

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 7:45:20 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I'm trying to think of any lady on the boards here who has a profile like the OP refers to...  so far, I haven't been able to. 

And thank you, ladies, for speaking up regarding the poly issue.  I am, and I understand that many who are not do not understand the dynamic at all. I agree that it's one of those things that should be up front, though, and I am going to doublecheck my own profile for clarity. 

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 8:05:01 PM   
petdave


Posts: 2479
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I'm trying to think of any lady on the boards here who has a profile like the OP refers to...  so far, I haven't been able to. 


On the boards, not so many. "In the wild" on the other side, a lot of those things tend to run together... The ones that really push the Female Supremacy/Crawl Before Me Worm thing tend to use a lot of random profanity, they're almost always looking for customers, and as a corrolary, they Primary Partner position is always "taken", or at least, not available to the likes of you (er, rather, me ).

As far as the subject, i think the underlying problem is that while there are a million subs chasing a hundred or so heterosexual, amateur Dommes, they're all holding out for the same perfect guy (which should be easy since there are so many to choose from, right?), except that he doesn't actually exist.  Or if he does, he's actually BoiJen, who is already spoken for 

< Message edited by petdave -- 12/22/2007 8:51:46 PM >

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 9:14:12 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

subbie input or negotiation isn't necessary"


I have never seen that stated in a profile before, how novel

I would have to agree... that phrase would turn me off too



I would run from the word subbie in general and not having input or negotiation, nada.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 9:18:01 PM   
subfever


Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		Oh, I don't know... it seems as though you're bringing in your personal preferences and applying them wholesale across-the-board.

My observations to Femdoms not finding malesubs:

It's primarily a combination of too many Femdoms raising their bars too high, and too many dishonest and/or confused and/or clueless males representing themselves to be malesubs.  

(in reply to Inyourthoughts)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 10:35:59 PM   
KindLadyGrey


Posts: 358
Joined: 11/6/2007
Status: offline 		I've met some very nice subs here. I didn't click romantically with all of them, but I haven't had any trouble meeting nice boys. The most difficult part for me comes after the initial "finding," and that is actually managing to build a meaningful relationship. Online stuff can't really help you with that.

I just wonder if the Dommes you hear complaining about not being able to "find" good boys are actually complaining about not being able to FIND boys, or about that second part: not being able to actualize a relationship with the boys they do find.

So which is it?

(in reply to subfever)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 10:51:08 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		After I had heard the numbers game that femdoms enjoy, I wished I had been born a femdom, you all seem to have it made just due to the sheer size of the pool you have to fish from. But then I remembered that there are certain communities where the men that live there far outnumber the women that do.. because there is some large prison complex in the community. Or I think about Alaska, which has a lot of men, but many are a little rough around the edges... so sheer quantity is not always an indication of oodles of quality.

Perhaps femsubs have it somewhat easier? Not because the numbers favor us, but because the gender stereotypes do? Who knows.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 10:59:29 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		You need to be a decent Top to find a decent sub.

It's not that hard. Unless you put them through so much baggage laden bs that they just go away.

< Message edited by Leatherist -- 12/22/2007 11:00:38 PM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 11:57:15 PM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		we're supposed to be anything but decent (read what's under my name)

< Message edited by petpete -- 12/22/2007 11:58:56 PM >

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Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!


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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/22/2007 11:58:40 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		Thanks for sharing YOUR personal preferences.
Welcome to the boards.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Inyourthoughts)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/23/2007 12:37:36 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I have seen plenty of profiles where the domme calls men worthless, or scum suckers or pigs or worthless, or any other number of me superior domme bitch you low worthless male sub attitudes/

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I'm trying to think of any lady on the boards here who has a profile like the OP refers to...  so far, I haven't been able to. 


(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/23/2007 1:15:13 AM   
Blyght


Posts: 78
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Inyourthoughts

     I think everybody wants  their soulmate,  there is a lot at stake
     emotionally, and being part of this lifestyle there are many more
     pieces of the jigsaw to fit together to make it work....and I think we
     become much more guarded in our emotions as we advance in years
     too. 
    


I have to disagree; not everybody wants their soulmate.  Some are looking for kinky friends, some are looking for good play partners, and others look for someone to bake holiday cookies with. 

It is difficult for me to have every one of my needs fulfilled by only a single person.  I am married to my favorite masochist and he also happens to be my best friend, but there are other social, educational, and familial needs that his introverted self does not fill. 

As far as becoming more guarded emotionally as time progresses, I find for me that the opposite is very true.  I have become more relaxed emotionally--more willing to reveal the steamy, sordid underbelly of who I really am and risk possible rejection (or wild acceptance) on different levels--than I was when I was younger.  It is easier for me in my advancing age, rather than try to keep up an appearance of normalcy, whatever that is. 




_____________________________

Irony is the last bastion of reason in the face of insanity

(in reply to Inyourthoughts)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/23/2007 10:02:25 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I agree with Blyght, while my cynicism continues to blossom with age, so does my sense of adventure.  I've had my enormous life changing relationship disaster, all fear is gone!  I am more secure in what I really want for myself, and I know what I really NEED. 

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to Blyght)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? - 12/23/2007 12:29:53 PM   
tightropes


Posts: 17
Joined: 7/31/2004
Status: offline 		I too have read those domme profiles that decry the lack of sincerity of the submissives who respond to them.  I don't know that I have an 'answer' to their concerns or an explanation for their views.  But I do know how I respond to domme profiles.

I agree with most here that generalizations are dangerous.  Among submissives, some like poly, some want monogamy pure and simple.  Some reject pro-dommes, others resort to them and may even thrive in their presence.  Some want a strict, sadistic, all controlling domme who combines caprice with prudence, others seek a more sensual relationship characterized by negotiation.

That said, what I cannot abide in domme profiles is the attitude reflected in statements such as: "It's all about Me" or "You live only to serve My desires, your needs don't count."  Frankly, when I read such statements I tend to chuckle, and wince, and then move on. I don't quarrel that a Ds relationship is not what most would think of as an equal partnership. The lure for most submissives is precisely to be controlled and to submit to the other.  But that lure, whether a need or simply a desire, must be satisfied. In that sense, the submissive's needs are essential and not irrelevant. If the domme cannot satisfy them, whether simply by being herself or through compromise and negotiation, the relationship is doomed.

I am a male submissive, albeit with switch propensities (i.e., a sadistic streak of my own), and of an age that doesn't interest most dommes.  To be sure, at this point I myself need a more mature domme who is literate (e.g., proofs her own profile, especially if she has warned responding submissives that poor grammar may be fatal), introspective, and understands that none of us is always in the same mental state. 

The domme profiles that intrigue me are those that aren't nasty, aren't dismissive, and aren't condescending, but set forth straightforwardly what the domme is about and the kind of submissive and relationship she is seeking.  

(in reply to Inyourthoughts)
Profile   Post #: 20
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