Female doms not finding decent subs?

Female doms not finding decent subs? (Full Version)

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Inyourthoughts -> Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 5:13:03 PM)
While browsing through profiles on here I saw some ladies advertising and stating that they cannot find decent male submissives. I intitially thought that this would be highly unlikely to be the case, but now I can see this happening, having looked at some Domme profiles. I have been on alt for years and had a discussion with a female subbie about relationships and finding partners on the scene. She said she was having difficulties and I was amazed. I pointed out to her that men outnumber women by around 50 to 1 on the scene so it shouldn't be a problem. Her response was that 49.5 of those are unsuitable. I re-wrote her profile and she got a much better response and is now married, although her hubbie has gone subbie on her..so not that much of a roaring success. I was originally submissive when I entered the scene, and had some very good relationships, but there were certain conditions which I personally liked, and are pretty much universal amongst subbies of whatever gender; a) wording in profiles..... might seem very sceney but doesn't work if you don't know the person from Adam. I live in a 400k house, professionally qualified in two vocations, care about people around me ( which is why I do my current job ) and run around in a ragtop Bee-em and a TVR, I am therefore not 'worthless scum not fit to lick your shoes'. Some male doms are equally guilty of stating this so this isn't a gender-specific moan. A subbie is going to run a mile if there is the slightest hint of any real mental or physical abuse. b) Language in profiles....swearing isn't big and it isn't clever, it is just a case of not being able to think of anything else to say....it also suggests a lack of self-control...big turn off, apologies to those in our community with Tourette's. c) Poly stuff. I would never be a 'second-string-subbie' to anybody... whether sub or dom personally I have only wished to be with one partner and don't share. I will give myself within the scene and outside it to that person in total so expect them to do the same....this isn't a revolutionary subbie thought but a question of valuing an individual's hope's and emotions. Also as the relationship develops the play gets better and better, there is much more at stake as I believe scene relationships are deeper that vanilla ones...which is part of the attraction for me, why spoil it if you value your partner by involving a third party? d) Tribute.....bong..next...if I wanted to be bled dry by someone I have never met I would respond to all the lovely emails I get from nice ladies in Ghana who want to marry me. I got 'adopted' by two dommes at a club many years ago when I first started, and that lasted a year until I had to move away...it was excellent, they were very demanding and quite brutal, but I would do anything for them as there was that underlying mutual respect as people, so it was a genuine case of trying to please them rather than just playing a game. I have taken this approach as a dom too...as I sought one partner who would live with me and it would be a full relationship, and has worked well with my subbie of three years. The internet is a wonderful means for people with our interests to meet, however it does have it's downside....it is very easy to fake yourself on the net....I proved this by making a fake profile on alt...and it was two weeks before people saw that the photo I had used was Dale Winton.... I just wanted to prove a point. It also hides the married people and those already in a relationship and who just want a bit of online or occasional r/t fun.......shame on them. I think that men are much more likely to 'play away' than women..perhaps this may be unfair but I think it is the case. I think everybody wants their soulmate, there is a lot at stake emotionally, and being part of this lifestyle there are many more pieces of the jigsaw to fit together to make it work....and I think we become much more guarded in our emotions as we advance in years too. The fact that men are generally more used to doing the approaching probably doesn't help either. Females, whether sub or domme, will be inundated with replies whereas it is quite difficult for a lady of whatever leaning to approach a man as it isn't the 'done' thing. Crabs scare me, they are like spiders but made with fish

laurell3 -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 5:24:15 PM)
While I understand what you are trying to say, with all due respect, you assume that these things are true for the many and in fact they are not. Poly would be a good example of something that is acceptable to quite a few and I in no way agree that if one is insterested in poly they should not state it up front. It is not something that many would agree to even with the best relationship and many don't "grow into" it over time. Not being upfront about it may very well end up in disaster. Although it is certainly controversial, there are many who do in fact pay tribute willingly and again, this is not something one should hide if it is in fact a requirement they seek. I can tell you however, that having read your profile, I would not be interested due to this statement: "4) Whatever has been planned has be thought out and reviewed with mutual interests in mind, subbie input or negotiation isn't necessary" While you appear to think you have a feel for what "most subs" think and desire, I can tell you from your own statements here and on your profile, you do not for many on these boards.

juliaoceania -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 5:28:32 PM)
quote: subbie input or negotiation isn't necessary" I have never seen that stated in a profile before, how novel[:D] I would have to agree... that phrase would turn me off too

PsyVamp -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 5:30:02 PM)
Laurell, I am responding to the OP also here but what you said was more relevant. I was stuck on his obvious distaste of poly. I am not here to meet my "soul" or "sole" mate, and even if I did, he'd be poly too or it just wouldn't work. Its fine that the OP doesn't like poly, just move along then. OP, my wolf is not secondary to my scene friend who was with me first. Nor is my friend secondary to my wolf; they are separate and distinct and I feel warmly for both of them. Lady Jag

laurell3 -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 5:33:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PsyVamp Laurell, I am responding to the OP also here but what you said was more relevant. I was stuck on his obvious distaste of poly. I am not here to meet my "soul" or "sole" mate, and even if I did, he'd be poly too or it just wouldn't work. Its fine that the OP doesn't like poly, just move along then. OP, my wolf is not secondary to my scene friend who was with me first. Nor is my friend secondary to my wolf; they are separate and distinct and I feel warmly for both of them. Lady Jag I think we're on the same page, but to make sure, I'm perfectly respectful of the fact that the OP doesn't desire poly, I personally do not either. However, his OP seems to be a generalization of what he believes subs want overall, which obviously is always going to be flawed. We are all individuals, not just roles.

sweetstorm -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 5:37:34 PM)
THIS was my red flag: 5) Being hung upside down from a tree in the garden will not result in you being eaten by garden spiders Ignoring my fears because of some perfectly logical explanation you may have does not just make them go away. It's called a PHOBIA...... definition: irrational fear. Laugh all you want. I didn't consent to submitting to the spiders. [:'(]

PsyVamp -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 5:46:41 PM)
Yes, we are on the same page, that not everyone is here for the same thing and there is no "one way" to do anything. Just because he doesn't like something, doesn't mean that every other submissive (or dominant) thinks the same way. I used my examples to show the OP part of another way of thinking. Lady Jag

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 7:45:20 PM)
I'm trying to think of any lady on the boards here who has a profile like the OP refers to... so far, I haven't been able to. And thank you, ladies, for speaking up regarding the poly issue. I am, and I understand that many who are not do not understand the dynamic at all. I agree that it's one of those things that should be up front, though, and I am going to doublecheck my own profile for clarity.

petdave -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 8:05:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus I'm trying to think of any lady on the boards here who has a profile like the OP refers to... so far, I haven't been able to. On the boards, not so many. "In the wild" on the other side, a lot of those things tend to run together... The ones that really push the Female Supremacy/Crawl Before Me Worm thing tend to use a lot of random profanity, they're almost always looking for customers, and as a corrolary, they Primary Partner position is always "taken", or at least, not available to the likes of you (er, rather, me [8D]). As far as the subject, i think the underlying problem is that while there are a million subs chasing a hundred or so heterosexual, amateur Dommes, they're all holding out for the same perfect guy (which should be easy since there are so many to choose from, right?), except that he doesn't actually exist. Or if he does, he's actually BoiJen, who is already spoken for [:D]

sexyred1 -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 9:14:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania quote: subbie input or negotiation isn't necessary" I have never seen that stated in a profile before, how novel[:D] I would have to agree... that phrase would turn me off too I would run from the word subbie in general and not having input or negotiation, nada.

subfever -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 9:18:01 PM)
Oh, I don't know... it seems as though you're bringing in your personal preferences and applying them wholesale across-the-board. My observations to Femdoms not finding malesubs: It's primarily a combination of too many Femdoms raising their bars too high, and too many dishonest and/or confused and/or clueless males representing themselves to be malesubs.

KindLadyGrey -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 10:35:59 PM)
I've met some very nice subs here. I didn't click romantically with all of them, but I haven't had any trouble meeting nice boys. The most difficult part for me comes after the initial "finding," and that is actually managing to build a meaningful relationship. Online stuff can't really help you with that. I just wonder if the Dommes you hear complaining about not being able to "find" good boys are actually complaining about not being able to FIND boys, or about that second part: not being able to actualize a relationship with the boys they do find. So which is it?

juliaoceania -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 10:51:08 PM)
After I had heard the numbers game that femdoms enjoy, I wished I had been born a femdom, you all seem to have it made just due to the sheer size of the pool you have to fish from. But then I remembered that there are certain communities where the men that live there far outnumber the women that do.. because there is some large prison complex in the community. Or I think about Alaska, which has a lot of men, but many are a little rough around the edges... so sheer quantity is not always an indication of oodles of quality.[:D] Perhaps femsubs have it somewhat easier? Not because the numbers favor us, but because the gender stereotypes do? Who knows.

Leatherist -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 10:59:29 PM)
You need to be a decent Top to find a decent sub. It's not that hard. Unless you put them through so much baggage laden bs that they just go away.

petpete -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 11:57:15 PM)
we're supposed to be anything but decent [sm=hair.gif] (read what's under my name)

MisPandora -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/22/2007 11:58:40 PM)
Thanks for sharing YOUR personal preferences. Welcome to the boards.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/23/2007 12:37:36 AM)
I have seen plenty of profiles where the domme calls men worthless, or scum suckers or pigs or worthless, or any other number of me superior domme bitch you low worthless male sub attitudes/ quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus I'm trying to think of any lady on the boards here who has a profile like the OP refers to... so far, I haven't been able to.

Blyght -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/23/2007 1:15:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Inyourthoughts I think everybody wants their soulmate, there is a lot at stake emotionally, and being part of this lifestyle there are many more pieces of the jigsaw to fit together to make it work....and I think we become much more guarded in our emotions as we advance in years too. I have to disagree; not everybody wants their soulmate. Some are looking for kinky friends, some are looking for good play partners, and others look for someone to bake holiday cookies with. It is difficult for me to have every one of my needs fulfilled by only a single person. I am married to my favorite masochist and he also happens to be my best friend, but there are other social, educational, and familial needs that his introverted self does not fill. As far as becoming more guarded emotionally as time progresses, I find for me that the opposite is very true. I have become more relaxed emotionally--more willing to reveal the steamy, sordid underbelly of who I really am and risk possible rejection (or wild acceptance) on different levels--than I was when I was younger. It is easier for me in my advancing age, rather than try to keep up an appearance of normalcy, whatever that is. [sm=lol.gif]

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/23/2007 10:02:25 AM)
I agree with Blyght, while my cynicism continues to blossom with age, so does my sense of adventure. I've had my enormous life changing relationship disaster, all fear is gone! I am more secure in what I really want for myself, and I know what I really NEED.

tightropes -> RE: Female doms not finding decent subs? (12/23/2007 12:29:53 PM)
I too have read those domme profiles that decry the lack of sincerity of the submissives who respond to them. I don't know that I have an 'answer' to their concerns or an explanation for their views. But I do know how I respond to domme profiles. I agree with most here that generalizations are dangerous. Among submissives, some like poly, some want monogamy pure and simple. Some reject pro-dommes, others resort to them and may even thrive in their presence. Some want a strict, sadistic, all controlling domme who combines caprice with prudence, others seek a more sensual relationship characterized by negotiation. That said, what I cannot abide in domme profiles is the attitude reflected in statements such as: "It's all about Me" or "You live only to serve My desires, your needs don't count." Frankly, when I read such statements I tend to chuckle, and wince, and then move on. I don't quarrel that a Ds relationship is not what most would think of as an equal partnership. The lure for most submissives is precisely to be controlled and to submit to the other. But that lure, whether a need or simply a desire, must be satisfied. In that sense, the submissive's needs are essential and not irrelevant. If the domme cannot satisfy them, whether simply by being herself or through compromise and negotiation, the relationship is doomed. I am a male submissive, albeit with switch propensities (i.e., a sadistic streak of my own), and of an age that doesn't interest most dommes. To be sure, at this point I myself need a more mature domme who is literate (e.g., proofs her own profile, especially if she has warned responding submissives that poor grammar may be fatal), introspective, and understands that none of us is always in the same mental state. The domme profiles that intrigue me are those that aren't nasty, aren't dismissive, and aren't condescending, but set forth straightforwardly what the domme is about and the kind of submissive and relationship she is seeking.

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