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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth affect D/s status?

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RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 6:15:08 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ddthrill

Wouldnt it be the same as any other partner? Why are we special?

I have read through the other posts in the thread and found them all interesting but have singled this quote out because IMPO it isolates the base line question: Why are we diferent?
We I cannot speak for others. But I know why I am different so here goes:
I have been married three times in vanilla lifestyles. I was, we both were, looking for similarity of income, world view, style, hooked on physical appearance. My men had to be a certain way and I spent many a long session in the gym, the hairdresser, the manicurist, having facials etc...as much time devoted to looking like the perfect wife and indeed I learned to run perfect homes....what I have called in a book 'hanging-basket reality'.
BUT at the moment I have a dominant male whom I absolutely adore. He doesn't fit any previous pictures...he is an amputee and why I have submitted to him is because of his strength of mind and personality. He is an ex-biker.
I have a girl: she is married and looks very office straight...she is beautiful to me because she is so willing to submit....I am her first female domme. The lady was for turning. My best friend is a gay man: we advise each other on clothes and make-up but it is ccompletely non-sexual.
They know of each other but as yet have not met. Put Dom, me and girlie together and it would be absolutely about libidinous power exchange and not fit anyone else's pictures.
I cannot hold an open discussion about my life style with those whom I work simply because they would not understand although the gay issue would not be the sticking point. The problem would probably be with polyamourity. I also do run a very successful therapy business from my insights without having to disclose personal issues.
So yes I am different. And yes I suggest 'we' are...simply because we look for something deeper than what I call fascist body culture and all that goes with it.

Prinnie xxxxx

Prinsexx xxx

(in reply to ddthrill)

Post #: 41

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 6:15:48 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I only date men who can match me intellectually. But I am particularly attracted to men who know more about some thing that might peak my interest. Good looking men have come into my life now and then but they must always have the ability to keep up mentally. In general though, looks aren't a big thing for me anymore. I use to have a standard.. 6'2" eyes of blue.. but as I matured I found that didn't matter to me any more. Wealth? Well.. they have to have a job or have money that can sustain them without me. I am more comfortable with men who are used to paying for dinners ect, but that is the way I was raised more than anything.
I don't think I could be so desperate to date someone who wasn't intelligent and self sufficient.
Kyst

There Many Different types of Intellect. I saw this cause I was reading about the forbes riches people. the top three dropped out of collage lol. and are billionares.
I guess maybe it is more about chemistry and taking what you know and making it work for you and the one you will. Like Mix of common sense and a text book knowledge just a t thought

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 42

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 6:17:38 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Roles and classes bite big green d**key dicks.

I don't care.

Three things matter to me.

Creative zeal to explore, and be a maker.

A positive outlook on life that accepts reality-but has the imagination and determination to craft new ones.

Love without fear-and sex without shame.

Anything else is about cultural hang ups-and I have ALWAYS rejected those as immaterial.

I consider this wonderful!!!Well said.

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 43

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 6:23:56 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

To the OP:

I don't care about money or looks.

Intelligence is essential.

But the quality I truly require is the capacity for love.

Either she must be a very apt student, my equal, or superior to me in this capacity.

I can't make this work with someone who suffers from stunted compassion. My heart wouldn't be in it.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 44

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 6:40:57 AM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

Well, being a switch, what I know is I like what I like. Looks matter. Brains matter. Values matter. Keeping up financially matters. Whether I'm hurting him. He's hurting me. Or we are hurting each other. I like to be well matched.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 45

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 6:42:53 AM

UR2Badored

Posts: 506
Joined: 2/3/2007
Status: offline

FR~ I have not read through the entire thread, yet.

My big thing for attraction is a undefine chemistry that can only be known in an in-person meeting.

Out of the concepts you've listed,
I would pick intelligence as being my primary concern, of course. I dont want some dummy playing with me--whoopsie!

But more to the point, I, like so many have expressed on these boards on previous discussions, am desirous of not only great communication skills, but someone I simply love having conversations with and sharing viewpoints, discussing books, etc. Communication is one of the biggest things we can share in life--that and sunsets (thank goodness sunsets are universally available). Of course, our communication styles must match somewhat. As far as physical appearance is concern, my idea of what is attractive is not the same as the conventional standard. I dont really want a model in his/her 20s--bleh! I usually like my age or a much older Dominant than myself. As far as a favorite physical attribute--it's lips, I enjoy watching someone I am attracted to speak. It is weird quirk of mine. A far more shallow attribute I seek would be large hands (no prerequisite--just me being greedy). As far as wealth is concern, I am not wealthy by any standards so I could not rightly hold someone else to a standard that I am not exactly a member of it so it would not a requirement provided the person is somewhat responsible. Political views -- thats too complicated to get into.......There are some I would not mind at all and would like to say no problem, but there other more social views based on cruelty that would peeve me which imply all sorts of things but it pretty much milder than it seems here.

In the past, I met Dominants who may have thought they were the whole package, but I would disgree with them so attraction is something undefinable for me at times and can be more a physical and chemical reaction to the person than an actual checkoff list. Alot of things just go of the window when someone has that "it" factor.

My one big turn-off is arrogance not to be confused with confidence. Someone who is emotionally secure and mature are the key. By emotionally secure, I mean in the sense that someone is reasonably self-assured and able to express themselves without always being a bit histrionic or in passive aggressive mode. We all have our off days--at least I do.

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 9/22/2007 7:20:32 AM >

_____________________________

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way
Mark Twain

(in reply to ddthrill)

Post #: 46

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 6:43:55 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

Brains ... gotta have em and gotta be in excellent working order

Looks ... not so much a priority

Wallet ... ya gotta have a job, but i don't care about wealth

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 47

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 7:30:48 AM

AlabamaDomLady

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/23/2007
Status: offline

The thought of my domme being wiser than me is very appealing.

(in reply to ddthrill)

Post #: 48

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 9:14:38 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I didn't say anything about education. People can be intelligent and never have finished college. The desire for knowlege is well beyond degree. I could read before 5. I helped to organize a walk out by 12. My first dominant (who is still the standard), was younger, and with less education than I, but wowie, that man knew the world! He explored, he investigated, he did not stand on someone else's idea on politics, or what it took to survive.
When I say intelligent, I mean someone who is not afraid to research about something in which he professes interest.
For the record I know a gentleman with a few Master's degrees, and absolutely no common sense. He is currently working in a cafeteria, serviing food.
For me, it takes the desire to know more than just enough to get by, to spark my interest.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I only date men who can match me intellectually. But I am particularly attracted to men who know more about some thing that might peak my interest. Good looking men have come into my life now and then but they must always have the ability to keep up mentally. In general though, looks aren't a big thing for me anymore. I use to have a standard.. 6'2" eyes of blue.. but as I matured I found that didn't matter to me any more. Wealth? Well.. they have to have a job or have money that can sustain them without me. I am more comfortable with men who are used to paying for dinners ect, but that is the way I was raised more than anything.
I don't think I could be so desperate to date someone who wasn't intelligent and self sufficient.
Kyst

There Many Different types of Intellect. I saw this cause I was reading about the forbes riches people. the top three dropped out of collage lol. and are billionares.
I guess maybe it is more about chemistry and taking what you know and making it work for you and the one you will. Like Mix of common sense and a text book knowledge just a t thought

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 49

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 9:18:27 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

My thoughts exactly. Ds is beyond play, for me it is a relationship. I want to know that if we are sitting together over coffee, watching television, or working side by side that the man near me can communicate on an equal level. We have to have things in common beyond sex.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored
Out of the concepts you've listed,
I would pick intelligence as being my primary concern, of course. I dont want some dummy playing with me--whoopsie! But more to the point, I, like so many have expressed on these boards on previous discussions, am desirous of not only great communication skills, but someone I simply love having conversations with and sharing viewpoints, discussing books, etc.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to UR2Badored)

Post #: 50

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 11:58:46 AM

teamnoir

Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline

This isn't strictly related to d/s for me. It's pretty much universal for any partner.

For me, there are traits that I'm looking for, brains, passion, communications skills, self awareness, and a desire to develop each of these.

Wealth, depending on how it's created, may indicate some success with some of these. It might not. Looks tend to be fairly subjective and the looks I enjoy aren't necessarily related to traditional beauty. Ok, some are, but those aren't necessarily the people I select for partners.

So yes, it matters, and I have a particular set of tastes. But it's not about IQ, or specific types of beauty, or a particular income so much as it is about life focus.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 51

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 12:29:18 PM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline

Quick reply:

It affected in whether or not I'd even get to know if they were more powerful than I am or not.

Those things not being present to the degree I liked them to be made there be no D/s status because it didn't get past the initial stages.

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to teamnoir)

Post #: 52

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 12:57:50 PM

heartcream

Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline

for me i am hoping for a 'fit'. i would like to meet someone who compliments me. he doesnt need to be the same as me. i like looks, i desire someone i find attractive. in that i like to look at them. not that they need to have a six pack. i prolly would not do well with a conservative republican right wing type. i love a good brain and a good heart.

lotsa money and the desire to share it with me would be lovely but that is not something i am 'looking' for. unfortunately back in the day i unwittingly dated a crack addict. that pretty much burned me in my tolerance levels for someone with no money of their own. i am far from rich and would not support another and have no desire to either. even if i was rich i dont want to support a man.

RRafe when you said you look for 3 things and one of them being "Love without fear-and sex without shame", well to me that is a little harsh. what is wrong with being somewhat afraid of Love? the broken heart is no picnic to deal with. and sex without shame? also a rather tall order. for me anyway. it seems to me, i am in a process. i can handle things at different speeds. today, for example, i may feel shy to be naked in the sunlight with a man's eyes on me, i might feel fear and shame. given time and encouragement however, i believe i could become more relaxed and not so afraid or shameful.

_____________________________

"Exaggerate the essential, leave the obvious vague." Vincent Van Gogh

I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat

(in reply to BeingChewsie)

Post #: 53

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, or wealth a... - 9/22/2007 2:45:25 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I am wondering how much a partner's looks, brains, wealth or political views affect their overall effectivenss as a submissive or as a Master?

Submissives - do you see yourself as needing a Master whom you see as your "superior" in these areas (or some of them?) or are you attracted to Dominants who are seemingly your equal in one (or all) of them?

But I guess my basic question (besides the above) is:

If a D/s relationship is going to be fundamentally based on inequality anyway - how much should "equal" re: These things really matter? Is it easier to dominate someone less bright or good-looking than you? Or harder? Or does it not figure in your equation at all? If you're submissive - is it "easier" to respect and look up to somoen you consider your "superior" in some pretty fundamental ways?

Or - Is the inequality of a D/s relationship all the more reason they should matter, or not? (and by "inequality", I mean the fact that what a Master says is final anyway - so you can disagree all you want, and it won't matter - you need to do what they say).

Do they matter more if the person is a primary partner, as opposed to being an addition to a Poly family, or strictly a service slave, for instance?

Just curious about what people think about this. Thanks for any replies.

- Susan

Hi Susan, It's nice to see you again.

The most useful thing that M brings to my life is his intelligence and understanding. Yes, it's far superior to mine.

Snipped from CuriousLord's post.....Dominance, leadership.. being able to see ahead, understand situations, understand possible actions and consquences.. all of this is understanding. Why would anyone want to be led by someone who would be liable to make poorer decisions than themself?.......that's pretty much it, in a nutshell. I simply can't do what he does. If I could, I wouldn't need him. I wouldn't keel over and die if he wasn't around but there's no way I'd have this level of stability and structure. It's easier to follow, not necessarily easier to submit, as such.

Wealth...I haven't a clue about HIS financial situation. It's none of my business. I'm independant financially. He follows my financial situation and advises and guides me, so that it's managed most effectively. He can put the kybosh on my spending anytime he likes.(much to my dismay, at times)

Politics......I haven't a clue what his politics are....not even after 6 yrs.

Looks......well, some people just get better and better looking. Interesting, interested and exciting people are terribly attractive.

He's weird.....with a certain type of stable and structured approach to life.....I'm weird, with a bit of a lack in those areas.........it seems to have worked for a fairly long while. He doesn't expect me to *be like him* and I don't expect him to *be like me*. Life is really sparky and never, ever dull.

agirl

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 54

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, wealth or p... - 9/22/2007 2:48:18 PM

Honsoku

Posts: 422
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Honsuku: I appreciate your reply. I think it brings out (for me) just how much importance the decision for a submissive to allow themselves to be dominated - the idea of consent- actually is. I think it's a totally conscious (even if "natural") decision. Even allowing oneself to be "mesmerized" (or dominate someone else) is a conscious choice - isn't it?

I think it can be a conscious choice, but not always. A lot of reactions are instinctual or very nearly automatic. It can take a lot of practice and self awareness to control those responses. In brief encounters dominant/submissive behavior may not be controllable by many. I am reminded of a recent incident; I walked into an office an asked someone a question, there were no raised voices or anything out of the ordinary, as I turned to leave I saw someone in the next room looking at me and practically cowering. Now I am only 5'8" and about 165 lbs, I am not a physically intimidating person (as far as size goes). Dollars to dinars says that she did not consciously choose this response. Since I had not paid her a lick of attention, I definitely did not do that to her through my choice. I think that for some it has to be a conscious to not be dominating or submissive and those that don't recognize that part of themselves may not be able to control their response.

Honsoku

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 55

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, wealth or p... - 9/22/2007 4:43:58 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Wow, I really appreciate all the replies. Thanks, people.

Honsuku: You may be right. My individual response to someone depends on how powerful a "vibe" I feel from them. I am pretty sensitive to that stuff generally, but don't always want it to be obvious, so I tend to work to control my reactions to certain people. Most of the time, it's successful, but I can think of a few times it wasn't.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Honsoku)

Post #: 56

RE: How much do a partner's looks, brains, wealth or p... - 9/22/2007 4:47:17 PM

mmb1

Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline

I did not even read the responses, intelligence and dedication and love etc, the rest..........is something that is not important.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 57

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