RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement?

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RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:52:16 PM

tmo2

Posts: 18
Joined: 3/23/2006
Status: offline

I shared with those that mattered to me on a dare from my Master. One my um's knew that I kept his collar with me at all times and the last thing the um knew is it was in a coat that was stolen from the car. The um asked me about it. Wanted to know I had not lost something I valued. The um did not understand it just knew important to me. In telling my Master about it he dared me to explain what it meant to the um. He knowing I would be tackful and not cause the um distress. I told my one best friend the day I used her computer to print a copy of a paper that my Master had written for school. I let her read it. She did her own research and asked question on what she had read. My only other best friend has always known I was a freak but did not know the extent of my relationship with my Master. She says does not understand but likes the fact I am much more content in life. Overall , I am glad I took that dare because now I can freely talk with my friends about issues I am having and not try and make it "vanilla" to keep my secret.
Just to from my point of veiw happy to be free to be me with all those that truly matter in my life.

(in reply to Dom87110)

Post #: 21

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:57:59 PM

DWCdelight

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

It probably is easier to admit publicly that you are submissive than it would be to admit to being dominant because of the perceived misconception of abuse and/or rape. With that said, however, I will say that my family and friends who know I'm in the lifestyle think I'm crazy as a loon and need professional help! My daughter tickled me to death the other night when we were talking about my Master and she remarked on how intelligent He is. She has met Him but doesn't know Him all that well, so I said to her, "How so?" We are in a poly relationship and my daughter said, "Think of all those women He manages to get to clean His place for Him!!!" I told her that was not intelligence at work, but charm and being loveable! But then I guess He's smart enough to use His charm to get us to willingly clean His apartment!

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 22

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:58:56 PM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

Daddy being a respected professional in the medical community would have a very difficult time explaining to his other colleagues that He owns a black daughter submissive. so He keeps that side to Him private and far away from the office. on the other hand, i have no problem discussing Daddy to my co-workers ...it wouldn't be the first time since we had guests from the BDSM community on the radio ...however i would never discuss this to family and friends. why? they are deeply devoted Christians and rooted in their faith - telling them this would only get me blacklisted from my own family and relatives.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Dom87110)

Post #: 23

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 1:13:07 PM

SolarAndViolet

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/26/2007
Status: offline

No matter which side we are on, if it's outside of a "typical" and "normal" social standard (I put those in quotations on purpose of course) we will be criticized for it. There will always be something that is looked down upon whether you're a dominant man, submissive man, dominant woman or submissive woman.

On a personal note. I would think it would be easier for a woman - in any position to be open about her lifestyle than a man. If a woman is dominant, it's a more common visual (and pornographic) imagery that vanilla world sees, so it's more likely to get acceptance. It also plays in to the feminism beliefs. (NOTE- not all feminists approve the lifestyle... so I'm not trying to generalize here).

As a submissive woman I feel it's easier for me to explain why I like to submit, why I like pain or bondage. If I'll be explaining it to someone who matters, they will know me as a strong and independent person so the assumption that I'm weak or an easy subject to brainwashing. I don't see a problem explaining why 'submissive' is a part of me.

When it comes to Dominant man, I would imagine it would be hardest task to explain that they are not abusers, using their dominance as an excuse to hit women. Them saying that it's all consensual may not hold weight with those who don't understand the essence of the lifestyle.

Well that's all for my opinion anyway.

'violet'

_____________________________

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Happy to be owned by Sir (V) (violetaelf)

(in reply to Dom87110)

Post #: 24

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 2:17:24 PM

jadedTN

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

The mental image that most men have of a Domme, spike boots, leather, riding crop, is a very sexy image to men, whether they are vanilla or submissive. I think even dominant men would find such a picture very sexy. That being said, most vanilla men want control and could not handle what lies beneath the visual image.

Personally I don't see the point in exposing oneself to the outside world, other than it would give you better access to the kinks of your friends. I think most of us would agree that we are just a small percentage of the people who have these desires, we just don't repress ours. But other than a single man talking to his buddies about his latest "conquest", how many people actually discuss what goes on in private with their significant other? Like I said, meeting new people in the lifestyle, or finding out about friends you already have would be a plus, but not really worth it. Guess I'll just have to find out the old fashioned way, by stumbling on their profile on collar me.

(in reply to SolarAndViolet)

Post #: 25

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 4:23:41 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

the question doesn't seem to have any merit, asked as it is; it's not a gender/role thing, as much as it is, the ability/desire to communicate with others outside of your relationship. as for me, i've always been an open book, so it's easy for me, and being female and a submissive has nothing to do it.

(in reply to Dom87110)

Post #: 26

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 5:20:58 PM

leatherette

Posts: 255
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Cultural standards these days call for women to be in control and powerful, while still nurturing and supportive, and for males to be strong and secure, but ultimately subservient to the female.

This statement would be an interesting topic in itself.

I hope it is not true. I fear it .. could be?

For women to have sufficient control and power is just a realism of survival, IMO. That we are expected and often tend to value other softer features is not always easy to balance ( for ex: women with small children who hold full time jobs) but is a positive combination and can be empowering.

Yes, must agree men are expected to be strong and secure. Again, IMO, thats a positive. I do think that today men are freer to express emotion, etc. far more than in the past and that adds a healthy component.

But.. to be ultimately subservient to the female. EEGgads. Yep, JMHO. I am horrified at the thought of the disempowerment of men. That would be an inequality and "not right" to me.

TV situation comedy and commerials do often show man as a buffoon or incompetant. I have always hated that.* One resaon I hate situation comedys... but is it true in RL? OMG. I am sickened. Thats not right....

* except for homer simpson. IMO he can always be the fool ;).... gotta laugh.... but I do feel sick.

Thank you LA

edit to answer Q. I think the ease of the Q is equal and depends on the person and situation.

< Message edited by leatherette -- 9/10/2007 5:24:02 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 27

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 10:21:02 PM

BDsbabygirl

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline

WOW, this has been an interesting thread! My first thought right out the box was that it would be easier for a Dom/me to admit it because it no so doing, they're admitting they're the one "in charge", a positive in the public's eye, while being a sub equals weakness and indecisiveness, something not positive.

My Dom is "out the closet" while I am not. I cannot ever imagine "coming out", for I know anyone I told would buy into the stereotypes and see me that way, even if they hadn't thought of me as being that way before. In fact, I'm even uncomfortable going over my Master's relatives' houses because I know that they know and I imagine that they're looking at me thinking "so that's the doormat he's with now", even if he has explained things to them.

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

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(in reply to leatherette)

Post #: 28

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 10:27:32 PM

Msagain

Posts: 45
Joined: 8/25/2007
Status: offline

I think your personality has to come into it for others to accept you for what you are. My son and friends all know I am a Domme and accept it as I have a dominant personality. But for subs/slaves it is different as my slaves are all dominant in their vanilla life and if they were any other way they would not be so succesful in the chosen careers. Therefore, it was easier for me that is is for them.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 29

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 10:47:04 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mercmjm

it would defintely be harder for a dominant male, we come off as rapists

And we come off as Bitches. Granted, being a bitch isn't a jailable offense...

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to mercmjm)

Post #: 30

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 10:47:18 PM

MstrSkyWoIf

Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think it's easiest when your position in your relationship most closely matches up with what cultural standards dictate for your particular group.

Cultural standards these days call for women to be in control and powerful, while still nurturing and supportive, and for males to be strong and secure, but ultimately subservient to the female.

I must say this post caught me by surprise most of you post I agree with. I must say however we could not be farther apart on our feelings about this.... In what world are you living.... since when has society expected men to be subservient to a woman.. We still live in a society that expects the man to be the bread winner and care for his family if he dose or can not he is considered a failure.

_____________________________

this is just my opinion, I do not claim to be an expert on life. I am just Me, Love me or Hate me I really don't care. I am the culmination of my life's experiences. I am an ever changing block of clay molded by life's experiences on a daily basis.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 31

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 10:48:35 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I've had friends of all roles have trouble coming out...to the point of loosing their kids. I've also known people, like myself, who find it fairly easy to be out. I think its more a matter of upbringing, self awareness and geographical location.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to tmo2)

Post #: 32

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 11:00:19 PM

MstrSkyWoIf

Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

I would think it's probably easiest for a Domme. It just strikes people as female empowerment, and is often portrayed in the media as hot chicks in leather bustiers with whips and nice boots.

Female submissives would be seen as "pushing back the women's movement" or some other crap. Male Doms would be seen as rapists or abusers. Male subs would be seen as 'not real men' or pussywhipped or something like that.

But trust me - I freelance as a pro-Domme. If I'm asked at a vanilla bar what I do for a living the general response is "wow awesome! That's so hot!" If I replied to them by saying it's just to pay the bills, and what I really want and crave more than anything is to be slapped around and have my body used as my man's sex toy they would look at me and say "wow you have some serious fucking issues."

Well...maybe one of them would ask for my number But *most* of them would think I was a weirdo.

Well the one who asked for the number would be the one who in my opinion truly understood what it was to be a Man.... And what you felt you needed as a woman..

_____________________________

this is just my opinion, I do not claim to be an expert on life. I am just Me, Love me or Hate me I really don't care. I am the culmination of my life's experiences. I am an ever changing block of clay molded by life's experiences on a daily basis.

(in reply to xoxi)

Post #: 33

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/11/2007 2:55:04 PM

Grlwithboy

Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

I didn't get that response when I answered the "what do you do" question. I got the "dismayed that someone so smart is doing what you're doing, uncomfortable silence" response. I think it's complete and unadulterated wishful horse crap when people outside a FemDom dynamic presume ease of integration or lack of opposition.

Believe me, it's chic to be a freak, until you actually say "no really. *I* am a freak of which you speak." Not as a job, not as cute outfits, as what I like in bed and what makes me sexually fulfilled and without which I can't go.

< Message edited by Grlwithboy -- 9/11/2007 2:57:46 PM >

(in reply to MstrSkyWoIf)

Post #: 34

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/11/2007 2:56:54 PM

Grlwithboy

Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I've had friends of all roles have trouble coming out...to the point of loosing their kids. I've also known people, like myself, who find it fairly easy to be out. I think its more a matter of upbringing, self awareness and geographical location.

Master Fire

And the friends you pick. When I tell people I can tell nothing happens. When I'm prodded to tell people I can tell are going to have issues, lo and behold, issues.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 35

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/11/2007 2:57:21 PM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

Not when we risk losing our jobs and friends if we get outed.

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(in reply to Dom87110)

Post #: 36

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/11/2007 3:43:52 PM

TheScrivener

Posts: 91
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think it's easiest when your position in your relationship most closely matches up with what cultural standards dictate for your particular group.

Bingo.

Here I was ready to type out a nice long reply too. You saved me the trouble.

_____________________________

"We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution."

- Bill Hicks

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 37

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/11/2007 4:18:46 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I think it's equally hard. You want to be known as an abused woman or would you prefer being known as a wife beater? Neither sounds good from where I sit.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 38

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/11/2007 4:28:07 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy

Believe me, it's chic to be a freak, until you actually say "no really. *I* am a freak of which you speak."

Truely Grlwithboy - you should hold the title for 'most kickass quotables' - that just about rocks on high.
Kudos.

Peace
the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Grlwithboy)

Post #: 39

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/11/2007 4:30:59 PM

jaxnsax

Posts: 106
Status: offline

Greetings
I have never had a problem with being completely honest and open with others in regards to the way I live my life.
Nor have I found it easier or harder for the Dominants that I have known to act in the same way.
Just my own experiences though.
jaxon

_____________________________

A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows the public opinion.
~Chinese Proverb~

(in reply to Dom87110)

Post #: 40

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