Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement?

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Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involve... - 9/10/2007 12:34:16 PM

Dom87110

Posts: 102
Joined: 8/10/2007
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This is a spin-off from the post "Nosy Friends".

From your personal experiences and observations, when talking to vanilla friends and family have you found that it is easier for Doms/Masters to be open about their BDSM involvement than it is for subs/slaves?

For me, the high need for preserving the secrecy of BDSM involvement of sub (in said post) was very hard to understand. Is it only easier for me as a dominant male to be more open about my involvement? Or have other Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses found a similar difference in behavior between domninant and submissive individuals?

_____________________________

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

That's not what I meant by "where the sun don't shine". But it looks good there, too.

Me

Post #: 1

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:35:40 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
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lol now you open this..I answered you over in the other thread

I said:

quote:

I would think it is harder for a Dominant male.

After decades of society trying to re-wire men to be more caring and passive uhhg and the feminists that would jump all over a guy. Even TV commercials with a man being henpecked 'pussify' the male species and are IMO downright ball-knocking and disturbing.

Yet, there are some women I know, who cannot believe or picture me acting submissive to anyone and have tried to talk me out of it thinking I had lost my mind.

< Message edited by came4U -- 9/10/2007 12:37:08 PM >

(in reply to Dom87110)

Post #: 2

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:37:02 PM

Dom87110

Posts: 102
Joined: 8/10/2007
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:>D

I'll go read your response over there.

_____________________________

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

That's not what I meant by "where the sun don't shine". But it looks good there, too.

Me

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 3

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:38:20 PM

mercmjm

Posts: 52
Joined: 2/7/2005
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it would defintely be harder for a dominant male, we come off as rapists

(in reply to Dom87110)

Post #: 4

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:40:12 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

This is like phone tag. Yer it!

quote:

For me, the high need for preserving the secrecy of BDSM involvement of sub (in said post) was very hard to understand. Is it only easier for me as a dominant male to be more open about my involvement? Or have other Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses found a similar difference in behavior between domninant and submissive individuals?

I assume you mean if you are single, you are asking if you should tell others (vanilla or not)?

It depends if they could handle it, I suppose and if you feel their judgement might sway a relationship to a different (negative) direction in their perception of you.

but, on a side note, no, I wouldn't want my Dominant (if i had one lol) to tell his co-workers what we do. Nor would I tell mine. Close friends, sure. Lifestylers would not be in the picture for me.

< Message edited by came4U -- 9/10/2007 12:41:49 PM >

(in reply to Dom87110)

Post #: 5

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:40:32 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I think it's easiest when your position in your relationship most closely matches up with what cultural standards dictate for your particular group.

Cultural standards these days call for women to be in control and powerful, while still nurturing and supportive, and for males to be strong and secure, but ultimately subservient to the female.

Add that onto the stereotypes of kinky people- male doms are monstrous sadists, fem doms are bitches with a grudge, fem subs are traitors to the feminist agenda weaklings, and male subs are total doormats, it gets to be not very fun for anyone.

The interesting thing of course is that people IN the scene are just as likely to hold these stereotypical notions as people NOT in the scene.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Dom87110)

Post #: 6

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:41:38 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

In my experience, it is just as hard for a Dominant as it is for a submissive. There are a whole different set of misconceptions, but there is very little understanding.
I am a Dominant female. Not a bitch, not a freak for enjoying hurting someone. I am not an abuser even if I do beat my boys. I am not a pedofile even if Angel is infantalized. I am not a shrew even if I am controlling.

My boys are submissive, but not weak. If they come out thats the automatic assumption. They are too weak to be the ones in charge, so I am.

Catch 22

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to mercmjm)

Post #: 7

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:42:10 PM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
Status: offline

I would think it's probably easiest for a Domme. It just strikes people as female empowerment, and is often portrayed in the media as hot chicks in leather bustiers with whips and nice boots.

Female submissives would be seen as "pushing back the women's movement" or some other crap. Male Doms would be seen as rapists or abusers. Male subs would be seen as 'not real men' or pussywhipped or something like that.

But trust me - I freelance as a pro-Domme. If I'm asked at a vanilla bar what I do for a living the general response is "wow awesome! That's so hot!" If I replied to them by saying it's just to pay the bills, and what I really want and crave more than anything is to be slapped around and have my body used as my man's sex toy they would look at me and say "wow you have some serious fucking issues."

Well...maybe one of them would ask for my number

But *most* of them would think I was a weirdo.

(in reply to mercmjm)

Post #: 8

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:42:52 PM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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What LA said..........she just said it better than I was going to

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

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RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:43:27 PM

Dom87110

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Joined: 8/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
I assume you mean if you are single, you are asking if you should tell others (vanilla or not)?

If you are not single and your partner/spouse does not know about you not being vanilla - then what other people might think about you is obviously not your biggest and most pressing problem! :>D

_____________________________

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

That's not what I meant by "where the sun don't shine". But it looks good there, too.

Me

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 10

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:43:29 PM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
Status: offline

Heh. LA types faster than I do

(in reply to xoxi)

Post #: 11

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:43:43 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

I do not think it is harder for anyone in this life to be open to the regular world by role as the only reason.

I do firmly believe it is though harder for people who are against societal roles to come out of that role. So to me submissive males and dominant females would have a tougher time because of this in addition to the D/s and BDSM things which I would represent as being equal to all genders and roles if placed in a vacuum. If that is splitting hairs then that is what I am doing but it is that old stereotype of dominant equals strong and submissive equals weak and a male in society never wants to be perceived as weak and females are too often chastised if they come off as too strong.

Edited to dominant equals strong was submissive equals strong

< Message edited by toservez -- 9/10/2007 12:51:32 PM >

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Dom87110)

Post #: 12

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:43:52 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

Cultural standards these days call for women to be in control and powerful, while still nurturing and supportive, and for males to be strong and secure, but ultimately subservient to the female.

It makes you wonder why young male adults are so confused about their place in a gender-bias world. Sad.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 13

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:44:02 PM

PhilaMale1958

Posts: 49
Joined: 5/26/2006
Status: offline

Even if I could come out as a Dom I wouldn't. I don't view it as being accepted by society. Being a very private person, I would only express myself as Dom to those who I knew for sure to be in the "life style".

(in reply to mercmjm)

Post #: 14

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:44:45 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

Heh. LA types faster than I do

ditto

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to xoxi)

Post #: 15

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:46:50 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

i think dominants open themselves up to the possibilities of criminal charges - domestic violence, battery etc. - so have more to lose in that regard where as submissives are much more likely to be seen as victims regardless of whether they consented or not. as far as whether or not it's easier for someone to be open about it, i think it's a personality thing. i have been out and open for several years, master, not so long and not as open. he has job worries, and other issues that i didn't and don't have. this is one that i'd call on a case by case basis.

celeste

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 9/10/2007 12:48:05 PM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 16

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:46:57 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

If you are not single and your partner/spouse does not know about you not being vanilla - then what other people might think about you is obviously not your biggest and most pressing problem!

omg, I couldn't even imagine being in that situation LOL.

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 17

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:47:16 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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I've not noticed any difference along orientation lines. I have noticed that Dominants who are comfortable about being out often have subs who are comfortable with it also. My sample is actual couples though.. people who live in the same residence. Perhaps that matters.

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Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to PhilaMale1958)

Post #: 18

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:48:27 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

quote:

Cultural standards these days call for women to be in control and powerful, while still nurturing and supportive, and for males to be strong and secure, but ultimately subservient to the female.

Add that onto the stereotypes of kinky people- male doms are monstrous sadists, fem doms are bitches with a grudge, fem subs are traitors to the feminist agenda weaklings, and male subs are total doormats, it gets to be not very fun for anyone.

Brilliant analysis.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 19

RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM inv... - 9/10/2007 12:52:08 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Thanks- it's not just the typing. Statements came in today so I'm chained to my desk (not in the fun way) updating and filing so I need lots of breaks and distraction :)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 20

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