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RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 10:19:22 AM

EclipseAbove

Posts: 220
Joined: 8/11/2005
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I have to agree with the advice given so far. I would only add that you should consider refraining from what I have seen most parents of broken homes (including my own) do - drag the children into the parent vs. parent war. As parents, you and your ex (or whatever his status is now) have a responsibility to at least appear to be civil to each other from the child's point of view (you'd be surprised how much they can see and hear). Obviously, you can only control your own behavior and you must protect yourself and your child. If that means legal action against your ex, then so be it. But don't let your personal feelings about your ex infect your child. Think about what lessons you will be teaching your child regarding how to handle failed relationships or how to behave towards people who have done them wrong. If your ex wants to act like a jerk, do what you must. Just let your child decide for themself that he is a jerk and respect their opinion if they decide he isn't. Just my $0.02.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 41

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 10:29:44 AM

CitizenCane

Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

So far I haven't seen where this guy is commiting a crime or doing anything that would justify a restraining order. It appears there is no custodial mandate and that both parents have an equal presumption of custody. By 'taking' the um in question, Fyre seems to mean just picking him/her up for the afternoon- and without a court sanctioned custodial agreement, of course the father has the right to do this. I've seen that this guy has cheated on Fyre- and on top of that she doesn't like him. It's not clear from this that he's necessarily evil. Rather than further polarize the situation, it might be more productive if the two nominal adults in the situation would seek a non-adversarial context for discussing their issues, like a relationship counselor, before taking everything to court.

It occurs to me that when Fyre speaks of the 'past', she may also be referencing a past before the man in question. Issues of trust often have roots in older trauma, and while it's within anyone's rights not to give their trust to someone, especially someone who has breached it in the past, it's also the case that old issues make it difficult to address current issues on their own merits.

(in reply to EclipseAbove)

Post #: 42

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 10:34:32 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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Threatening to take my UM would certainly justify a Restraining Order, IMO - especially if the person was a nut case, or othwerwise threatening towards me. He may or may not have a "right" to do this - based on what he is really like - whether or not he is on drugs, mentally stable, etc. I am certainly not automatically giving him the benefit of the doubt when a UM is at stake - but my POV is probably colored re; What I view as "these kinds of situations". A relationship counsellor might be a good idea - in conjunction with a lawyer, IMO. She has already decided she doesn't want him in her life - that was my impression, anyway.

Threatening to take her UM could mean anything from Kidnapping, to fighting her for permanent custody. Given the nature of the rest her characterization of him, he doesn't sound like a stellar citizen, but I did say it was only one side of the story. Given the way she has characterized him in general I was opting for him perhaps having not so savory intentions concerning her (and his) UM - but it could be that she just doesn't like him anymore, much. That is why I said - it is up for a judge to decide.

If he is the UMs father, he will most likely have some visitation rights - but I don't know enough about her situation (and am also not a lawyer) to really venture more than an educated guess, in that regard. In any case, she needs a lawyer, IMO.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/10/2007 10:49:43 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to CitizenCane)

Post #: 43

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 10:46:34 AM

FyreAngel

Posts: 55
Status: offline

quote:

why is he even still there at all, at this point?

dont mind me for being defensive. Because its not that fucking easy. A year ago when i tried to end it - i ended up tied up and "talked too" Can you imagine what i DIDNT talk about while i was tied up? Do i look like a moron to try and stand my ground while i'm tied up? The end of the conversation was about how easy it is to get cholorform and to sell somebody. Because i still dont have the damn "collar" off of my neck and i spent time being held down by him while he jammed his thumb under my chin telling me he wont stop until i agree to obey him. ::smiles:: and no i didnt agree. I cant even get him to accept and agree to stop what he calls bdsm with me - how fucking easy do you think it is to get him out of my god damn life? On top of that, he fucks with my head and always has. So what the answer is to just fucking disappear? That'll go over well with getting my degree and i cant make it over seas because i'm not pregnant anymore. I have tried.

I just dont know what to do and i dont want him having anytime with my um unless i'm around to protect him.

Other then when i try and walk away - my life is drama free. I spend monday to friday spending time with my ums, cleaning my place, doing school work, and whatever else needs to be done. Its very pleasant. The weekends i suck it up, make the best of things and tell myself its only 2 days. And of course buffer, i do alot of buffering. Apparently his father thinks i'm way too overprotective. That it borders on neglect. I thought about it an i agree i'm over protective, but its for good reason.

I simply dont care what he thinks about me putting this shit out there. I dont care about child support. I dont want him alone with him. The least that will happen is he'll ignore him. Thats not cool - babies need ppl talking to them. Not only for the obvious brain developement, as the brain is rapidly growing but for social development too. They need to know they're important. Which means they need eye contact and lots of "conversation". I have a 3 month old who smiles non stop, is happy, flirts, has expresive eyes, is content, easy going, barely every "cries". He's got unhappy talk. Where he complains. (which is cute) And i'm not having his father ruin it. Thats the least he can do. The worst? Get frustrated because little ones dont "listen". They need care and love 24/7. There is no time off. I'm not having him around my um with out me there. I pick up the slack.

Susan - i didnt know they had little pocket things. I will look into that. I've already started saving every reciept i have for my lil um and every email his father sends me.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 44

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 10:53:05 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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There are definitely pocket sized tape recorders - just Google "pocket tape recorders" on the Internet and see what pops up. You can do this. You need a lawyer to sort this put. You have your whole life ahead of you - don't let him scare you into not living it - get your degree. You go girl! Stop listening to his parents - since when did they become the arbiters of all that is supposedly stable and sane?

You certainly CAN end a BDSM relationship - any time you choose. All you need to do is walk away - it might not be easy - but you do have that choice. He doesn't need to "release you" or any of that crap - especially when you have a UM at stake you are caring for, and you want to end the relationship because it is detrimetnal to you and your UM.

I think it's great you want him gone, but (and I hate to say this, really but its the truth) - based on what you've just said, my advice is to find a "Kink friendly" attorney - because none of that is going to sound wonderful to a judge - if you want to use it as evidence he is a "bad person". It is going to make you look equally culpable, for being willing to stay in that situation, simply because you had some imaginary collar around you neck.

He may really be a nasty person - but for God's sake, don't mention your D/s relationship to the judge.

Most judges do not understand D/s - and the implication of saying what you just did, as far as justifying why you stayed with him, is that in the next D/s relationship you have, if your "Master" tells you to set your UM on fire, you'll do it - because you are, after all "collared to him". Even though that isn't probably true (is it?).

You need a "Kink friendly attorney" if this is the kind of evidence you are going to cite, as far as what a nasty person he is. If I were you, I would leave mentioning D/s or BDSM out of it completely - and focus on threatening behavior - leave the "why" completely out of it. You'll get a lot further, that way, IMO, with any judge. Or contact Legal Aid, and see what happens (just don't mention D/s. Trust me, it will not go over very well).

If he is fool enough to bring it up as any sort of "justification" for his behavior toward you, it will make him look equally nutty to any judge - after all - he was one-half of that relationship.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/10/2007 11:20:00 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to FyreAngel)

Post #: 45

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 10:57:45 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

I'm sorry...You appear to be hopelessly screwed....Nothing to do or see here.

You allowed all of this to continue...You are drama personified. Go to the "Feelings of Worthlessness" thread...There are people over there who might be able to help someone like yourself.

_____________________________

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 46

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 11:11:07 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

I agree with getting legal help. Find a womens shelter, call them and ask for help.

So that you're not alone with him, ask for a member of your family or a friend to be with you on weekends.

Write down, notate everything. Yes they do make teensy recorders & some are voice activated. Office Max and those types of stores carry them.

If it were me, I would not let him in my home. If he wanted to see the UM I would meet at a neutral public place where he can't pull the same scare tactics on you.

If he starts to play headgames look at him say 'Nope' and turn your back on him. Leave the room. Or tell him to leave.

Get copies of all police reports that have been made from your previous calls.

At this point don't care about his past mistakes unless you actually plan to get back with him. The past doesnt matter. What matters is your safety and the safety of your UM.

Best of luck because I know it isnt easy.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to FyreAngel)

Post #: 47

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 11:17:44 AM

FyreAngel

Posts: 55
Status: offline

You're very right. I DONT like him. I dunno, giving birth just sorta woke me up. Now i've made a mess. I would get a restraining order simply for the fact that he always tends to threaten me when i try and break up with him, or leave him. Hell, i think Saturday it was - jokingly he said that if i tried to leave him we'd have a sicilian divorce. See the thing is - life is drama free if i go along. I can buffer and maintain things. He even follows my lead with the um because not only do i educate myself on how to be a good parent - but i've got experience. Getting a lawyer would create ww3. That honestly scares me. Unnerves me. Plus - he's not a bad guy persay. Just some major character flaws. Things are already screwed up between us. He lacks things that i need in my life. Like honesty, morals, integerity, honor. Things i want my ums raised with. i dont want to raise fuck ups. I dont want to raise um's like me. i want to raise happy successful, content, good people. Integrity means you do the right thing. Honor is doing the right thing no matter the personal cost. Yes my situation sucks for me. But with out thinking about me - what is the right thing for them? Who is to know? Who can tell? Everyone has a different opionon - how am i supposed to figure out the right answer? Am i wrong to allow him in our life? Or am i wrong to kick him out of our life? Am i wrong to allow him to have around them unsupervised? What about the future outcome? I came from a broken home. I understand the effects of that. Will the um's be better off with having a solid home? Will they be better off with it broken? Can i manage to live the rest of my life with him? Where is the least damage to them? huh? How do i know? Is it staying there and sucking it up, possibly losing myself? Is it running like a rabbit from a fire? My family is biased - his family is biased.

What if - even though he's a shitty partner - he'll end up making a great father? Can you imagine all the what if's there? So anyway's here i sit waisting my morning contemplating things out in the open. I should be doing school work and cleaning while the little one is sleeping. Waisting my morning running my mouth. Its shameful really. Amazingly enough i never new Martha Stewart had a TV show. Heck, i didnt even know she was out of jail yet.

Oh and i think i'm getting a dual major in Psychology and Computers and i'm going to minor in Humanities. Kind of odd eh?

::smiles:: If i ever get my rear out of this relationship - the world can be damned sure i'm not entering another bdsm relationship and its highly unlikely i'd enter even another relationship. Too damn stressful, too much commotion. I just want to live my life - get my degree's - travel - rescue lil animals - and show my um's the world. Relationships are a pain.

As far as the kink friendly attorney. I would expect the "kink" doesnt come into it at all. I doubt he would bring it in. I can just be honest here because i'm just a nameless person on the net. Ya know? I dont need to conduct myself in a political manner. I dont need to worry about my words being used against me. I dont need to worry about my words at all. I can open my mouth and not fear.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 48

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 11:24:50 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Hon - if you are the UMs mother, then YOU make that decision. A judge (or a court mediator) will decide - based on the evidence -how much visitation he gets - so don't worry about it too much -that isn't all on your shoulders - let the judge decide most of this - he/she will anyway. Plus - you've already answered your own question - he needs to be gone as far as living with you, etc - he lacks integrity, honesty, he is a fuck up, etc. Yeah, it is going to be work as far as legalities. But plenty of other people have been in this kind of situation, and done it before you. And Legal Aid is free, or practically free.

I know it sounds like a strain, and you do have some of my sympathy. Hang in there. You can do this. It sounds (to me) like life will be less complicated once you get these legalities straightened out. That may take a few months, but it can be done. Lots of people have gone through this kind of thing, and I know that doesn't make it any easier - but it does mean it can be done.

You really, really need a lawyer.

And also a support group for divorced mothers - I am willing to listen, as are many people on these message boards - but you are going to need ongoing support, as well. I know you can do this - it is just going to be momentarily messy - which is why you will need a Restraining Order. And from what you've said - you have grounds to get one. Good luck.

**And congratulations on getting your education - that will be a huge help in the future, as far as being able to support yourself and your UMs. That is no small thing, IMO. And neither is trying to be a decent mom.

P.S. If you find your Post-partum depression hanging on, please see a doctor about some anti-depressants. That is nothing to mess around with either, IMO. This sounds like a challenging situation, especially with 2 UMs, and school, and there is no shame in taking anti-depressants if you are depressed and-or seeing a counsellor. You have a lot on your plate, sounds like. Good luck.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/10/2007 12:02:51 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to FyreAngel)

Post #: 49

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 1:48:12 PM

FyreAngel

Posts: 55
Status: offline

I've thought about the lawyer often. If nothing else - simply to educate myself on what to do and where to go. ::smiles:: i've also thought about filing for custody at the court house out of the blue. Apparently i dont even need a lawyer for that. What it all comes down to is - my morals and the other fact that i'm not willing to lose my um for any amount of time. I'm not willing to allow my um to be somewhere that i have to worry about their well being. Anyways, time is running out, its almost 5. Gah how time flys. Before i know it, it'll be 1 am and i'll be laying there wondering why i cant sleep. LOL I'll look into legal aid - i suspect i just google it. That and best buy. Is it even legal to record some one with out their knowledge? I didnt think it was. Suppose thats a question for the lawyer. Thank you Susan of O - i appreciate the support, tips, and advice.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 50

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 2:00:47 PM

teamnoir

Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline

Studying the past is valuable. However, getting mired in the past is a different thing.

There's information to be found in the past, that's true. However, today is today. It's a new day. And tomorrow will be another new day. Anything can happen. At least, anything can happen to anyone who's open to letting it happen. Those who insist that tomorrow will be exactly like yesterday are likely to find that to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, sure. If you like what happened in the past, then it might be worth trying to hold someone to it. However, if you didn't, then I certainly wouldn't want to be forcing or even encouraging them to repeat it. Instead, I'd want to encourage them to do something else.

Learn from the past. Just don't let it dictate your future.

(in reply to FyreAngel)

Post #: 51

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 2:25:48 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

A few short thoughts, as I have more to add later.

I'd look into an MP3 player/recorder. Get one with a 1 Gig memory. Depending on your budget, one of those 3 or 4 gig nanos or zooms or whatever would be better. When set properly, you can record four, six, even eight hours continuously (or the entire weekend with 3-4 gigs.) You turn it on before he gets there. After eight hours pass, if he hasn't said something bizzare or dangerous, you go to the bathroom and delete the recording, and start recording again. If he does, make sure you avoid any dangerous situations and at the first chance, you upload it to your computer. Oh, and keep headphones attached to it; tell him you listen to it on the way to work or washing dishes or whatever.

As for legality, it's illegal for the police to secretly record conversations without a warrent. You're fully entitled to record your own conversations for your own protection. The judge in a custody case can, and will want to hear anything you've recorded that might have an impact on suitability and custody. The thing about child custody cases that makes them very difficult (compared to normal civil or criminal litigation) is that the judge isn't trying to rule in favor of one party or the other; they're sole interest is the welfare of the child. The parent more likely to provide a safe, stable, and happy home for that child will be the one awarded physical custody (something you absolutely need to have to prevent your ex from kidnapping.) You should do this as soon as humanly possible, and until the custody hearing is over, I STRONGLY encourage you to keep your doors and windows double locked. Change your phone number, don't answer his calls, and don't let him in the door until the hearing is over. Have a brother or friend escort you whenever possible. I know it sounds like hell; it is. But once you establish physical custody, he can't take your child. Without a document saying the child belongs in your house, nothing prevents him from knocking you down, taking the child, and vanishing.

As I said, I know this is hard; you're going to have to decide if you're willing to be strong enough to see it through.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to teamnoir)

Post #: 52

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 2:46:08 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

This thread is full of doo-doo....Since you have not established the "awful" things he has done to you...And the fact that you share a child together good luck on getting that restraining order.

Here's a few gems...

quote:

FyreAngel
1) he's not a bad guy persay. Just some major character flaws.

2) What if - even though he's a shitty partner - he'll end up making a great father?

3) Am i wrong to allow him to have around them(the kids) unsupervised?

4) If i ever get my rear out of this relationship - the world can be damned sure i'm not entering another bdsm relationship and its highly unlikely i'd enter even another relationship. Too damn stressful, too much commotion. I just want to live my life - get my degree's - travel - rescue lil animals - and show my um's the world. Relationships are a pain.

I'm not buying what you're selling, Missy

You are right about one thing,, you should never be allowed to get into another relationship.

_____________________________

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 53

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 6:02:31 PM

FyreAngel

Posts: 55
Status: offline

Aye well, he's MY um. My job do to the best i can by him. Mine and Mine. He lives with me, i am his primary caretaker. I am the one who is soley responsible for him. I'm also the one that supports him 90% of the way. (i make him buy diapers)

Domiguy - i didnt think anyone really wants to hear a "Sob" story of what a big bad evil guy he is. Even so, he's only 50% big and bad. I'm just trying to figure out the right thing here, thats all. It seems that a well placed mic and a lawyer might be my best bet out of the mess i made.

Not bad, not bad folks. Thank you very much.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 54

RE: How Long? - 9/10/2007 6:24:25 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Well good luck and hang in there.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to FyreAngel)

Post #: 55

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