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Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 9:13:59 AM

SirDraco7

Posts: 108
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline

I'm pretty sure the needs vs wants topic has been discuessed before, but what about needs vs needs?

What happens when a subs needs and her Masters needs Differ?

With this I'm using Male Dom female sub just to give some point of reference without using sub/slave/swiths or his/her all the time. Feel free to apply this question and topic to whatever roles and genders.

Yes It also would depends on circumstances as well, sometimes the different needs might destroy the relationship. But not always. It also depends on what the needs are, as not everyone is the same. anyways....

My question is this... As a sub would you automatically put your Masters needs over your own? Should you? or should she?

As a Dom, would you ever put your subs needs over your own? After all you promised to protect and take care of her when you took her as your own did you not?

I'm just curious as to what everyone might say to such a question. Thank you in advance for your thoughts. :)

Post #: 1

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 9:23:45 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

Firstly, I don't need to protect a bottom from anything but my own stupidity-I try not to let that get out of hand.

Secondly-I detest dependence. I don't really have an interest in inferiors. If one is going to attempt a power exchange relationship, there has to be mutual support. Not one weaker-leaning on the other.

And lastly-as far as needs-seperate those from "wants' in initial stages. They DO differ.

Then you both decide if you can hack filling them-or if you just aren't suited for each other. Hammering the square peg into the round hole is painful-and not in good ways.

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Post #: 2

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 9:56:02 AM

DomN8USlave

Posts: 17
Joined: 8/19/2007
From: Oregon
Status: offline

As a slave, I do put my Master's needs above my own. Afterall, he's my Master and he knows what my "needs" are and takes care of them. My job is to take care of HIS needs.

Want's are a different subject all together......

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 3

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 9:59:05 AM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDraco7
What happens when a subs needs and her Masters needs Differ?

It happens, its called life and reality.

quote:

As a sub would you automatically put your Masters needs over your own? Should you? or should she?

Depends on the 'need.' MJ's needs/wants/desires and what He expects do play a part in decisions I make. Its NOT automatic to put His needs above my own, I'm not an atomiton or a robot or a mindless creature, if you have read any of my posts that obvious. If I was a doormat or a dog, then MJ an I would NOT be together; I HAVE put my own needs above His, yes, He knows this, its called reality and the situation warented it.

MJ an I have a give and take relationship; sometimes one of us gives more and the other takes more, and visa versa. As MJ's slave, yes, I do put His needs above my own at times, at times I can lead Him to beleive that its that way, yes, He is aware of this, after knowing eachother for this long, He knows that about me; its a gift that I enjoy and use with care and caution; how to make someone think that I am against something or that their need/want/desire is NOT my own, its not dishonest, its just a way of keeping things in balance. I do that at work all day so its not a hard transition to my homelife.

Should I put my needs above MJ's, yes, at times its warented. example.. I'm astmatic, if MJ wants to get into heavy and hardcore play time, then I have to put my needs above His to take care of me BEFORE we start, otherwise, I may end up unconscious and He may have to make a few phone calls.

Common sence comes itno play, I KNOW I am going to get hell for that since so many around here despise those words; well, until those who can't understand common sence wake up to reality, I will keep mentioning it.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Post #: 4

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 10:13:05 AM

xolarkinxo

Posts: 73
Joined: 9/10/2005
Status: offline

Each person in a relationship have needs that must be met. If one person's are met all the time and the other's is not, the relationship will fall apart. In a situation in which both people have a need at the same exact time, I agree with slaverosebeauty; just a little common sense will help to figure out who's, at that moment, will be fulfilled.

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)

Post #: 5

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 10:16:25 AM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

what are the needs? there is a heirarchy of needs....Maslow did a great little chart of them...air is a need and food is a need...Master needs food but i need air...umm sorry but his need can wait while i take care of my need because the reprecussion of my need not being met will result in a permanent, irreversable result while his hunger pains will hurt for a while..sleep is another need...Master is a brittle diabetic and needs food and i need sleep...i can wait 15 or 20 or 30 or 60 minutes and make sure his needs are met before i have my needs met....
is that not what you meant? can you give us an example? because you were very vague with your initial post....

chelle

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)

Post #: 6

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 10:19:58 AM

YourShyPet

Posts: 185
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDraco7

I'm pretty sure the needs vs wants topic has been discuessed before, but what about needs vs needs?

What happens when a subs needs and her Masters needs Differ?

With this I'm using Male Dom female sub just to give some point of reference without using sub/slave/swiths or his/her all the time. Feel free to apply this question and topic to whatever roles and genders.

Yes It also would depends on circumstances as well, sometimes the different needs might destroy the relationship. But not always. It also depends on what the needs are, as not everyone is the same. anyways....

My question is this... As a sub would you automatically put your Masters needs over your own? Should you? or should she?

As a Dom, would you ever put your subs needs over your own? After all you promised to protect and take care of her when you took her as your own did you not?

I'm just curious as to what everyone might say to such a question. Thank you in advance for your thoughts. :)

Well I can't speak about having a master.... never had one... never will... but as a subpet with a Dom... No I don't automatically put his needs before my own... there are times when his needs are more immediate than mine... and vise versa... should I put his needs first???... no he wouldn't allow it... he thinks way more about my needs and how to address them then he does his own.

_____________________________

kittin

http://www.myspace.com/daddys_kittin

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Post #: 7

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 10:26:04 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

As his slave it is not up to me to decide whose needs come first. He decides how and when my needs will be met. I do not have authority over that decision.

He makes his decisions based on the needs of the relationship. If in that moment it best serves the relationship to put my needs first, then that is what he will do. If it doesn't then, my needs will not come first. For all of us, the relationship comes first and that means that there are times that we will sacrifice what we want and need as individuals to ensure the health of the relationship.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Post #: 8

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 10:30:28 AM

callistaIn

Posts: 62
Status: offline

Would I automatically put his needs over my own?

In a perfect world, I would say that yes, AUTOMATICALLY, I would put his needs over my own.

However, we all know that this world that we inhabit is not perfect and that reality is often less colorful than fantasy is. The reality of it is that while I may consciously strive to always put his needs before my own; there are going to be times that this will not simply be possible. To think otherwise is unrealistic.

Just my own PoV though.

callie

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Post #: 9

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 10:31:49 AM

GhitaAmati

Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

we have four kids.....I havent considered my own needs in years.......

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 10

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 10:50:01 AM

Cyntilating

Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline

When I chose to surrender my control to him and submit to his guidance and authority>>> it was trusting that he would make sure that both of our needs would be met by his choices and decisions..
I don't generally decide about his needs and whether they are met ( over mine ) because I trust that he is in control of his life and own needs..
It is his call to make.
If I am concerned and thinking of my own needs then I am taking back the trust and the control ....imo

Im not micromanaged...nor stupid and helpless either...and so I'm sure I would sense if I wasn't thriving and in a good place and would do something about it...but I have chosen to accept his authority and leadership...his control and ability to see to my well-being.
I know without a doubt that he considers both needs are equally important to be met..and have experienced him putting my needs above his, as well as his above mine> when he thought a choice needed to be made..

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Post #: 11

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 10:50:30 AM

Perplex

Posts: 110
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

I seem to fit into the minority of male doms does figure the dom is there for the sub, settign the scene, using thier skill to give the sub what the sub desires in a way the sub desires it. I <again> seem to fit closer to the dommes I have known in life (not around here perhaps so don't write letters to the advertisers) where there is a slow building process of giving the sub thier fantasy/reality until they are ready (by dint of thier own understanding) to start giving back to the dom's purely personal desires.

I have often held the view that many subs aren't submissive as much as want to be COA (center of attention) they want to be the one on the cross for the crowds enjoyment gettign whipped, they want to be chained and used...they don't however want to help cut lumber cuz that's teh job at hand that needs doing (for example). In no way am I saying this is an absolute (so again leave the advertisers alone) or even inherently widespread, simply in subs I have seen in my life. (I am beginning to hate disclaimers)

and not that it really matters why somebody is doing what they want to do, thier motivation is between them and god, but a dom does have to use intuition to guide the sub's progress/exposures/testing so that does mean at least to some extent the dom puts the subs needs first...to what end I'm sure varies from dom to dom.

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Post #: 12

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 10:50:56 AM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

FR~

If our needs differ so drastically that it has to be an ongoing conversation and a juncture that must be determined I think it is time to part ways and find partners whose needs coincide a bit better.

I'd like to think that my needs are his needs and his mine.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 13

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 10:57:01 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xolarkinxo

Each person in a relationship have needs that must be met. If one person's are met all the time and the other's is not, the relationship will fall apart. In a situation in which both people have a need at the same exact time, I agree with slaverosebeauty; just a little common sense will help to figure out who's, at that moment, will be fulfilled.

needs change in this lifestyle a lot ...
understanding needs and wants and the mind to guide them is a big task..I would rather find someone with a strong mind and good heart t who understands the flow of chemsitry and compatiblity to endure and last ...

do not let the world rule you. but rather you rule your own desteny

(in reply to xolarkinxo)

Post #: 14

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 10:57:09 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDraco7

My question is this... As a sub would you automatically put your Masters needs over your own? Should you? or should she?

Depends on the needs. My need to get to the doctor on time trumps his need to get lunch, as he can is fully capable of buying or preparing it himself after dropping me off.

My needs and his needs have become our needs and both of us realize that sometimes the other one is going to come first. It's usually him, but not always.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Post #: 15

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 11:09:00 AM

SirDraco7

Posts: 108
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

is that not what you meant? can you give us an example? because you were very vague with your initial post....
chelle

First of all thank you for everyone who has posted thus far.

Secondly I was vague because it's a fluid question. "needs" are differend depending on who you ask. They can be the basic ones like you point out. Or they can be more complex like emotional, financial or whatever.
So any example that I could give might bring out "well that is a want for me so it's no matter" from a lot of people and I wanted to avoid that if at all possible.

I was also vague because I wanted to see what people would do or say without such defind examples.

But for the sake of the discuession here are a couple examples:

Say the Master's 'need' to be with other women/subs vs his main sub's need that he not do it in her presance. But due to lack of money and circumstance he and the second girl couldn't go elsewhere so they must do it at his place. In another room but his place nonetheless where the main sub is.(And say for sake of arguement she has to work in the am so going out is not possible and no money for a hotel room.

Or say the Master hasn't seen his family in 20 years(due to uncontroled circumstance)(money maybe, or they live in cuba or something like that) and he has a chance to see them and needs to see them because it's a once in a lifetime chance that he might never get a chance again, and he loves and misses them dearly(say he keeps in contact via mail) But the sub's mother dies and her need to have him there for support, but if he stayed he'll lose the chance to see his family.

Or the Doms need to have a good job and be successful or the subs need to be near her friends and family(and for a wrench lets say kids who she has joint custedy of)(aka he's transferred across the country)

Those are the type of situations I'm talking about. Things that might never occour, but sometimes, maybe. And anything along the lines.

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 16

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 11:17:00 AM

SirDraco7

Posts: 108
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline

My thoughts about my post are such...

In much the same way on an airplane they tell you to secure your mask first before helping others I think the same for the needs vs needs question.

A Master's View:
His needs
Then his Girls needs
Then His wants
Then his girls wants

The subs view:
Her Needs
Then her Masters Needs
Her Masters wants
Then her wants

Exceptions are always possible, but if a sub ignores her needs and always puts her Dom's First, She risks breaking herself. And why would her Dom want her broken? Would it please her Dom to be broken? Would she be ok living a broken life?
Focus on her needs first, solidify them, and then help her Dom. If he's broken due to the lack of his needs being met, then she is there and can be there to help pick him back up and put him back together.

The same with He. He should focus on his first and then hers. a Broken Dom is not a very good Dom.

Like I said there are exceptions where one need is more important than another. But in cases where the needs are equal?

Just my thoughts and opinions anyways.

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Post #: 17

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 11:18:29 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDraco7
Say the Master's 'need' to be with other women/subs vs his main sub's need that he not do it in her presance. But due to lack of money and circumstance he and the second girl couldn't go elsewhere so they must do it at his place. In another room but his place nonetheless where the main sub is.(And say for sake of arguement she has to work in the am so going out is not possible and no money for a hotel room.

I'd say that has a lot less to do with needs and a lot more to do with what he agreed to when he collared her. If she agreed to submit to him and accepted his need to be with other women as long as he doesn't do it around her, and he agreed to this condition it's no longer a matter of need but of him keeping his word. If they must wait for the first girl to go to work/go shopping/run errands or abstain until the situation changes, oh well.

quote:

Or say the Master hasn't seen his family in 20 years(due to uncontroled circumstance)(money maybe, or they live in cuba or something like that) and he has a chance to see them and needs to see them because it's a once in a lifetime chance that he might never get a chance again, and he loves and misses them dearly(say he keeps in contact via mail) But the sub's mother dies and her need to have him there for support, but if he stayed he'll lose the chance to see his family.

That's one of those situations that you pray never happens, regardless of d/s. I would guess that if he hasn't seem them in 20 years, something is probably going on beyond money. Probably. However, in that situation (assuming the submissive had a good relationship with her mother) you might as well flip a coin.

quote:

Or the Doms need to have a good job and be successful or the subs need to be near her friends and family(and for a wrench lets say kids who she has joint custedy of)(aka he's transferred across the country)

Again, that's a situation you just hope doesn't happen. However, if you get involved with a woman who has joint custedy of her kids, you knew from the start that she had ties that won't be severed easily, if at all. Asking someone to leave their children goes beyond the d/s dynamic. No matter what, she has to live with that situation so she has to make it herself. Once she makes her decision, he will have to make his.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Post #: 18

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 11:27:51 AM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

just gonna respond to your examples for fun...

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDraco7

Say the Master's 'need' to be with other women/subs vs his main sub's need that he not do it in her presance. But due to lack of money and circumstance he and the second girl couldn't go elsewhere so they must do it at his place. In another room but his place nonetheless where the main sub is.(And say for sake of arguement she has to work in the am so going out is not possible and no money for a hotel room.

ummm for the sake of argument...Master can either wait for another night when finances are available or second girl doesn't have to work in the morning, or he can deal with the emotional fall out of first girl not being able to deal with him being with second girl in her pressense...not really a who's needs come first, in my opinion, but a are you willing to deal with consequenses...

quote:

Or say the Master hasn't seen his family in 20 years(due to uncontroled circumstance)(money maybe, or they live in cuba or something like that) and he has a chance to see them and needs to see them because it's a once in a lifetime chance that he might never get a chance again, and he loves and misses them dearly(say he keeps in contact via mail) But the sub's mother dies and her need to have him there for support, but if he stayed he'll lose the chance to see his family.

ok i may get shit for being a hard ass bitch for this but...they should both go to see his family, she can stay in the bed room the whole time and cry if she needs to, but her mother will still be dead when she gets back, and his family is alive now...he will be able to give her support when he goes back to the room, check in on her every few hours...and heck she may even be able to go for walks on the beach or something...commune with nature or something...when they get back...the funeral may be over, but she can pay her respects then...i think her mother would understand...

quote:

Or the Doms need to have a good job and be successful or the subs need to be near her friends and family(and for a wrench lets say kids who she has joint custedy of)(aka he's transferred across the country)

oh thats hard....if it was just friends, i would say, put your big girl panties on and make new friends...just adult family...the umbilical cord was cut a long time ago...but kids you have joint custody of....maybe its time the Dom make a sacrafice...find a good job there...or horrors of horros cut back on living expenses or whatever...people make things work all the time without moving across the country...

quote:

Those are the type of situations I'm talking about. Things that might never occour, but sometimes, maybe. And anything along the lines.

thanks that was fun,...

chelle

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Post #: 19

RE: Master needs Vs subs Needs - 9/2/2007 11:32:51 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

ok i may get shit for being a hard ass bitch for this but...they should both go to see his family, she can stay in the bed room the whole time and cry if she needs to, but her mother will still be dead when she gets back, and his family is alive now...he will be able to give her support when he goes back to the room, check in on her every few hours...and heck she may even be able to go for walks on the beach or something...commune with nature or something...when they get back...the funeral may be over, but she can pay her respects then...i think her mother would understand...

If I had to release myself I would not miss my mother's funeral. I wouldn't miss the funeral of either parents because the surviving parent will need their daughter there. I refuse to deny them that.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 20

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