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Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 8:44:26 AM   
hotwater07


Posts: 65
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline 		So how do you deal with it when it does?  Is your play your life?  I know for some people it is, but I don't understand how that works together with the demands of everyday living - kids, work, school, and family.  Help me!

I met someone over the Internet a couple of months ago.  We have had several email, phone and chat conversations and have met twice (we live two states apart), our last visit concluding with our first "session".  We have shared stories and experiences and have tried to structure activities in a way that connects us although we are apart. 

Currently in my "real" life, I have several life changes going on - getting over a LTR with a vanilla guy (I could write pages about this frustration), I sold my house, found a rental, moved over the weekend, trying to unpack and organize, haven't seen my kids in over a week, trying to find a job and figure out how I'm going to fit school in all of this without my kids' dad going berserk about how much time the kids are with him and how that means he shouldn't have to pay child support.  Needless to say, I have a lot on my plate at the moment.

So, what kind of consideration does one give for life situations?  Yesterday I found myself being berated quite harshly for acting so casual in a conversation with my online friend and I had.  It didn't even occur to me that during my discussion of how exhausted I am from moving in 90+ degree heat that I needed to be adding Sir to my every sentence.  Then he added that I should also be referring to myself as "this one" or "this sub".  I have occasionally spoken with him in the third person, but only occasionally, and now I am being reprimanded for not doing it all the time.  He also added that once I am collared -- which we have not even talked about -- I will refer to myself as "this slave" and will be referred to as "it".  What? 

There were also some assignments that I have been given that have taken a back seat while during my move, some time related. .  Is it wrong to place the priorities of finding a home and moving and every other thing I am dealing with, above that of the requirements of someone long distance that does not see nor deal with any of my actual living?  I'm thinking this LDR thing SUCKS.

I feel like his expectations of me are not always spelled out clearly and I seem to be always in trouble for not understanding certain assignments or duties.  He has had many years in the lifestyle, whereas I have only had one previous BDSM relationship that was much different and short term.  I feel as though I am expected to know his rules and style before they become issues.  And it is hurtful to be criticized so harshly, given no consideration for my experience or my life at hand.

Am I being a brat?  Am I overreacting?  Am I balking at his authority?  Is it too much to expect that I could be allowed to live my life in a semi-normal way and be given some leniency when problems arise?  Are the styles of relationships we desire just different?  And I worry that even asking these questions is going to bring up - well, you're not really submissive then are you?    I feel that my reaction to this situation would be different if I was living in a 24/7, but I'm not.  I feel that the acknowledgement of a person's needs and desires, and the fulfilling of such is something that is done by both partners, that my Sir would know my state, emotionally, physically, what-have-you, and would request activities or discipline accordingly.

So, assuming levels of communication are great and two people are working together to form a life, with structure and boundaries, and LIFE, how does it work for you?  How do you deal with every-day life, and how do you react when sh!t happens? 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 8:49:46 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		Personally, life (all the good, and all the bad) is inseperable from being who I am... a Dominant man.  I manage life as a Dominant.  If I have a partner, I manage both our lives and our power exchange dynamic constantly exists.  It's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal and allow it to remain a big deal.
 
Play time is a small (though enjoyable) extension of that dynamic.
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to hotwater07)
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RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 8:50:37 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		IF you are in a committed authority dynamic in which you have regular expectations, you say to him, hopefully BEFORE the stress occurs "This is all that I will have on my plate, how do you feel I should prioritize things?"  You can even ask for extensions or to be excused from things for awhile.

It will take time for him to train you like he wants you and it will require a lot of correction.  And yes, a good dom DOES take into account the realities of life and the necessity of prioritization.  But it's up to you to communicate those issues and when you are having problems so that you can work TOGETHER on them.

If you can't work together, or have compatible life priorities, it might mean you aren't a good match.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to hotwater07)
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RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 8:50:59 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I seek only reality-based people.  I have a busy life with a lot of things going on in it.  Kink and D/s is one part of an other-wise full and great life.  Do you realize that someone can have "years in the lifestyle" and still be a jerk or incompatible with you?  You've only known this person for a few months.  It's okay to slow things down to your comfort level.  He'll either like it or he won't.  Don't you want a calm, happy life?

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to hotwater07)
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RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 8:57:02 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		Reading Katy's reply, I'm reminded that some submissives/slaves can feel as though they're a "burden" upon a Dominant.  Provided we're not talking about the "life in a shambles, in need of professional help" sort of thing, and it's just the general chaos of average, everyday life... many (most?) lifestyle Dominants (as opposed to Tops) pretty much expect that and may even look forward to it.  You don't have to have all the answers, it's what allows your Dominant to fulfill their role in the relationship.  And presumably, doing so brings them a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:03:21 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		The most successful Ds relationships, in my experience and strong opinion, are those who use rituals and rules that fit into the necessities of their mundane lives and add to the overall experience. Taking Ds or SM things and trying to put them over life can result in feeling like you are failing at being a good dominant or submissive, a poor slave or owner, when frankly it is more that you let your fantasy of how it should be overshadow the reality of how it must be.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to hotwater07)
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RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:19:22 AM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hotwater07

So how do you deal with it when it does?  Is your play your life?  I know for some people it is, but I don't understand how that works together with the demands of everyday living - kids, work, school, and family.  Help me!


Let me help you put things in perspective.  Play is just that... play.  If you were into bowling for play, just how would you fit it into your life?  Would everything else in your life take a backseat to bowling?

Okay, that's just play.  What about a D/s relationship?  Well... a D/s relationship is just a relationship.  If you had a new vanilla boyfriend, how would he and your relationship fit into your life?  Would everything else in your life take a backseat to him?

My advice is simple... decide what it is that you want in a dominant and out of a D/s relationship, then proceed to find a dominant whose wants and desires match your own.  If maintaining a protocol such as always referring to him as "sir" or yourself in the third person (or God forbid, "it") isn't your cup of tea, then don't get involved with someone who is going to require those things all the time.  It's that easy.

And please, read this very carefully... there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Edited to add: 

Please don't ever let anyone imply that you aren't submissive just because you don't have the same view of relationship styles as they do.  There is no ruler of submission or handbook for submissive behavior.  You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations but your own and those of the individual that you finally decide to cede authority to.  Hopefully, you'll choose that individual carefully.

< Message edited by losttreasure -- 7/6/2007 9:29:07 AM >

_____________________________

Just because it isn't "all about me", doesn't make it "all about you".

(in reply to hotwater07)
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RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:26:18 AM   
hotwater07


Posts: 65
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline 		I guess I could sum all of this up in the text message he sent me: 

Do not ever assume thyat I give a Damn about whether you are in a "submissive mood" or not. 

Keep in mind, these are his words, not mine.  It's not exactly that I am in a "submissive mood" or not, it's that I have a life to live.  No, I'm not mental and in need of serious help, I'm just having my mid-life crisis a little early (or I'm going to die by age 64). 

I like the idea of having a power exchange dynamic that constantly exisits, with playtime a wonderful extension of that.  Communication was important in my vanilla relationships but now seems absolutely vital to one with D/s or otherwise involved.  Working together seems to be the key - not just working for what One desires.  I think it's an awful responsiblity to be a Dom/Domme, and I love this:
 
You don't have to have all the answers, it's what allows your Dominant to fulfill their role in the relationship.  And presumably, doing so brings them a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.

Yes, I want a happy and calm life, and I feel like I work very hard to achieve this.  I have a hard time with someone who would add to this anxiety fully knowing my situation in life.  How, during a time of great stress, could someone find satisfaction in adding to  that stress?  I am not afraid of a harsh task-master, but is being thus incompatible with being caring and understanding as well?

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:27:02 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Personally, I wouldn't be ok with someone not realising that life happens.  Not after what is basically an internet connection and one play date.  I want to know more about someone and they should know more about me before they have the right to control "how" I am supposed to deal with issues.  Of course, anyone I have been involved with treats me as more than "it".  That has never been my fetish, but I know many think it is hot.

I tend to be more of a reality based person.  Hands on experience, daily interaction, face to face communication are important to me and really help to get my partner see what kinds of issues that affect me.  When someone knows me up close and personal very well in meat space, it is amazing how quickly I can be reeled in, and fall into how they demand I behave. 

For me, it is just too hard to do the online submission.  I both admire and shake my head when I see people do it well. 

Life happens.  But to be my partner, dominant, lover, confidant, you actually have to be in my life, up close and personal, for me to let someone have control.

I do not envy you.  Good luck
Kyst


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to hotwater07)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:27:47 AM   
hotwater07


Posts: 65
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
frankly it is more that you let your fantasy of how it should be overshadow the reality of how it must be.

I wrote this in my journal a while ago:
I think in the ideal D/s relationship, it would definitely be one of mutual caring - we each take care of each other, in our own ways. Someone recently told me that it was his job to make his wife happy and ease her burdens but that it helps him in the end because she is free to serve him without reservation, and with fewer time constraints. I don't know, I guess that's kind of funny, but the images in my head are of making a home, preparing meals, doing laundry and making our home a very pleasant and happy place to be, so that my Sir doesn't have to worry about those things when he is home. And all of those mundane things are desirable to do because they are tributes to Sir. My focus as I do daily tasks is Him, when I increase my learning, or my patience, if I am graceful and kind, all of those things bring honor to my Sir.  And in return He pushes me to be better than I am, never forcing, but gently leading, knowing me more intimately than I even know myself.  He is able to sense my needs and desires, and allows me to fulfill them by serving Him.  He accepts the weight of the responsibility of control and power, and never abuses that power, but uses it to lovingly (albeit often painfully) shape me into His perfect counterpart.

Is it hopeless to think this could ever happen?  That the realities of my daily living exist in harmony with that of my submission? 



(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:30:28 AM   
laineyjade


Posts: 56
Joined: 6/4/2007
Status: offline 		if you have children... don't you have to meet your obligations as their mother first?
I don't understand what your dom is doing... I would expect that someone in control of you would want to know everything on your plate and then, even, help you to prioritize things... it doesn't seem like he's in control so much as he loves to issue grumpy orders.

but that's just me, and I'm blonde *smile*

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:30:46 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well what exactly about that situation doesn't fit in with that little scenario?

He pushed you, it was painful, to shape you into who he wants you to be.

Your scenario there isn't bad in theory, but it's a very idealized, romanticized, limited and limiting view of how relationships work.  You're finding out what happens when real people get in the mix.

You have to decide for yourself:  Is the problem that I didn't communicate well enough?  Is the problem that he isn't compassionate enough?  Is the problem that I'm too spoiled?  Is the problem that we have a mismatch of expectations?  All of those?  Other reasons entirely?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to hotwater07)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:31:25 AM   
hotwater07


Posts: 65
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure
If maintaining a protocol such as always referring to him as "sir" or yourself in the third person (or God forbid, "it") isn't your cup of tea, then don't get involved with someone who is going to require those things all the time.  It's that easy.

I have no problem with these things (or learning to do them) if I know they are expectations in the first place.  I think that's what bothers me most - that I am supposed to know exactly what is expected of me without ever being told.


quote:


And please, read this very carefully... there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Edited to add: 

Please don't ever let anyone imply that you aren't submissive just because you don't have the same view of relationship styles as they do.  There is no ruler of submission or handbook for submissive behavior.  You don't have to live up to anyone expectations but your own and those of the individual that you finally decide to cede authority to.  Hopefully, you'll choose that individual carefully.


I love hearing this.  I need to print it out and put it on my fridge to remind me.  Thank you so much for your encouraging words!

*chanting*
I'm way more normal than I think I am...

(in reply to losttreasure)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:32:13 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		For what it's worth.......

I wouldn't permit what most people call 'real life' from interfering with those things I consider most important.  I keep what I do streamlined to prevent anything of the sort from occurring.

When it happens to other people, I roll my eyes, think it's charming, and say ..... 'That's OK.  I just wait here while you take care of that.

You people kill me sometimes!

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to hotwater07)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:34:02 AM   
hotwater07


Posts: 65
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Life happens.  But to be my partner, dominant, lover, confidant, you actually have to be in my life, up close and personal, for me to let someone have control.


So aptly put - your understanding is very appreciated!

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:36:16 AM   
hotwater07


Posts: 65
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx
I wouldn't permit what most people call 'real life' from interfering with those things I consider most important.  I keep what I do streamlined to prevent anything of the sort from occurring.


Could you explain this to me?  How?  What do you mean?  What is most important to you, how do you communicate that, what do you expect from those that would be a part of your life?  What is most important to you?

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:36:20 AM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hotwater07

... And in return He pushes me to be better than I am, never forcing, but gently leading, knowing me more intimately than I even know myself.


I'd have to ask you if you feel that referring to yourself at "it" and ending every sentence with "sir" would make you better than you are?

As LuckyAlbatross mentioned, "he pushed you, it was painful, to shape you into who he wants you to be."  The question is, how well does who he want you to be match with who you want you to be?


_____________________________

Just because it isn't "all about me", doesn't make it "all about you".

(in reply to hotwater07)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:40:05 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		My relationships are ones in which dominance and submission are a natural occurence. I don't involve myself with people who have a fantasy based view of how this must be, it just makes life too hard and I can't keep up with playing at a role for extended periods of time. If a man says that he is dominant and seeks a relationship with a woman who will submit and defer to him naturally because it that is her core being...well then we are probably on the same road. If a man says he is dominant and wants a submissive woman who will have to prove her submission by talking in the third person, kneeling on rice, staying naked in a cage 24 hours a day, prefacing each sentence with "Master" or any other such display....we probably don't have much to talk about.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to hotwater07)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:41:15 AM   
hotwater07


Posts: 65
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
You're finding out what happens when real people get in the mix.
Damn you real people!  How rude to interfere with my fantasy life - oh wait... that's me doing the interfering....
quote:


You have to decide for yourself:  Is the problem that I didn't communicate well enough?  Is the problem that he isn't compassionate enough?  Is the problem that I'm too spoiled?  Is the problem that we have a mismatch of expectations?  All of those?  Other reasons entirely?

Communication definitely seems to be a problem.  Compassion, I'm not sure.  Yes, I probably am pretty spoiled - but in my opinion, it's relative to the spoiling and care that I would give to another.  Mutual respect and caring - definitely mismatched expectations.  And probably lots of other things too. 

Thank you for your questions, they are very helpful in my trying to sort this out.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Life Happens... - 7/6/2007 9:48:25 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

If a man says he is dominant and wants a submissive woman who will have to prove her submission by talking in the third person, kneeling on rice, staying naked in a cage 24 hours a day, prefacing each sentence with "Master" or any other such display....we probably don't have much to talk about.


This is me as well.
I know that some people are into the (what I consider) role-play stuff, but I can't see how it would add any depth to a relationship for me.  It's like it's all exercises that I'd have to go through to prove that I am worthy.  And it would make me think that the person asking such things isn't worthy of me, mainly because I'm not looking for that type of dynamic.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to hotwater07)
Profile   Post #: 20
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