MaamJay
Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: hotwater07
So how do you deal with it when it does? Is your play your life? I know for some people it is, but I don't understand how that works together with the demands of everyday living - kids, work, school, and family. Help me!
Who I am is my life ... and currently I am both Master's sub/slave and potential Domme to a sub. Maintaining those roles takes precedence but that doesn't mean "play". Master and i moved across country recently and have had a lot of upheaval. Play has been put on the back-burner, but the D/s is still alive and kicking! It permeates and pervades O/our everyday life but doesn't prevent U/us from coping with all that life throws at U/us. If anything, it helps as W/we work together as a team to deal with it.
I met someone over the Internet a couple of months ago. We have had several email, phone and chat conversations and have met twice (we live two states apart), our last visit concluding with our first "session". We have shared stories and experiences and have tried to structure activities in a way that connects us although we are apart.
Currently in my "real" life, I have several life changes going on - getting over a LTR with a vanilla guy (I could write pages about this frustration), I sold my house, found a rental, moved over the weekend, trying to unpack and organize, haven't seen my kids in over a week, trying to find a job and figure out how I'm going to fit school in all of this without my kids' dad going berserk about how much time the kids are with him and how that means he shouldn't have to pay child support. Needless to say, I have a lot on my plate at the moment.
Yes, you most definitely have. Most of us go through times of great upheaval, I hope you find a way through your current chaos without any more barriers in the road.
So, what kind of consideration does one give for life situations? Yesterday I found myself being berated quite harshly for acting so casual in a conversation with my online friend and I had. It didn't even occur to me that during my discussion of how exhausted I am from moving in 90+ degree heat that I needed to be adding Sir to my every sentence. Then he added that I should also be referring to myself as "this one" or "this sub". I have occasionally spoken with him in the third person, but only occasionally, and now I am being reprimanded for not doing it all the time. He also added that once I am collared -- which we have not even talked about -- I will refer to myself as "this slave" and will be referred to as "it". What?
Hmmmm ... my response to this is "too much too soon". This is a power grab ... and one that is ill thought out for how can you be blamed for breaking "rules" you don't know exist? Remember, this is still the negotiation stage ... where these things should be floated out for discussion and consensual agreement. This is reminding me wayyy too much of a workplace agreement ... where the govt says it's good for employees but in fact the employer gets to decide what the terms are and the employee can only like it or lump it! Seems to me you're not liking it ...
There were also some assignments that I have been given that have taken a back seat while during my move, some time related. . Is it wrong to place the priorities of finding a home and moving and every other thing I am dealing with, above that of the requirements of someone long distance that does not see nor deal with any of my actual living? I'm thinking this LDR thing SUCKS.
No, a responsible person (sub or Dom) takes charge of such things, ensures they have a safe place to live etc etc so that they are then able to give some attention to others. Given that He doesn't live with you so can't take charge physically, then the least He can do is try to be of HELP from a distance, not a hindrance. Given that you have probably told Him what is going on, it would be more reasonable for Him to say "How can I help?" Maybe He could check some legal docs for you, or help you construct a realistic timetable of how you can achieve all that you need to do. Trying to load you up, even though of themselves, adding Sir or using third person speak aren't massive things, just seems bound to cause trouble at this time.
I feel like his expectations of me are not always spelled out clearly and I seem to be always in trouble for not understanding certain assignments or duties. He has had many years in the lifestyle, whereas I have only had one previous BDSM relationship that was much different and short term. I feel as though I am expected to know his rules and style before they become issues. And it is hurtful to be criticized so harshly, given no consideration for my experience or my life at hand.
Spelling out His expectations is His job ... if He is not sure you have understood then it is up to Him to clarify. Maybe ... trying to be kind here ... His years in the lifestyle have taken Him way out of touch with a relative newbie ... in which case He needs to wise up! Correction and guidance doesn't have to be harsh ... they should be seen as positive opportunities for learning. I am assuming here that you are not over-reacting and taking any little correction as a massive personal slight ... you don't come across as someone doing that in your post. Having lived with one who thought that ... it was a PAIN (and not a nice one!) ... but you come across as someone wanting to learn if someone would only teach you appropriately.
Am I being a brat? Am I overreacting? Am I balking at his authority? Is it too much to expect that I could be allowed to live my life in a semi-normal way and be given some leniency when problems arise? Are the styles of relationships we desire just different? And I worry that even asking these questions is going to bring up - well, you're not really submissive then are you? I feel that my reaction to this situation would be different if I was living in a 24/7, but I'm not. I feel that the acknowledgement of a person's needs and desires, and the fulfilling of such is something that is done by both partners, that my Sir would know my state, emotionally, physically, what-have-you, and would request activities or discipline accordingly.
Brat? No. A brat deliberately does things wrong to test and stir up their Dominant. Sometimes for attention, sometimes to incur wrath so they can feel justified in feeling "put upon". Overreacting? Probably not ... I think you are sensing alarm bells. Baulking at His authority? Maybe ... but there could be a good reason for that if it is authority that you haven't yet conceded to Him. To my mind, a good D/s relationship evolves over time ... with the Dominant prepared to take authority over that which the sub concedes ... the Dom's job is to lead the sub to the place where they are sufficiently trusting and confident in the Dominant's ability to use that power appropriately. A wise sub won't immediately hand over all their power ... it is yielded in increments. An example: Master and i haved lived together 24/7 for 3 years. Initially i yielded to Him the power to control the general type of clothes i wore, control over my bladder (it needed more control than i had LOL!), and limited control over my daily schedule. And of course, W/we had negotiated certain types of bdsm play. As time wore on, i added to that more control over my schedule, so now if i am invited to a non-work event (eg Tupperware party etc etc), i first ask His permission before agreeing to attend. (And if He says no, i don't go and i don't bitch/sulk about it!). i also voluntarily gave Him control over My Domme persona (Jay) and Her activities even though i'd not anticipated that initially. It just seemed much easier! Just this year i have given Him complete financial control ... not without a few collywobbles i might add, not so much through lack of trust of Him, but more about any inherent problems with legal issues should something go wrong (especially healthwise) with either of U/us. Not sure what else i have left to yield ... but rest assured if W/we find something that He wants to take, i will consider very carefully if i want to give it even though i trust Him so much now.
So, assuming levels of communication are great and two people are working together to form a life, with structure and boundaries, and LIFE, how does it work for you? How do you deal with every-day life, and how do you react when sh!t happens?
Well it doesn't sound like the communication levels between He and you ARE great ... possibly He thinks they are, but there seems to be a lot that has yet to be discussed. W/we spent a LONG time discussing things and the lines of communication are still open, things can (and are) revisited. Master and i aren't perfect, sometimes W/we will have disagreements usually because of mishearing things or different perceptions about the tone or manner in which a comment was delivered. i am getting a bit deaf and sometimes i don't hear Him clearly ... when i look blankly or say "what?" He sometimes perceives that look and statement as my thinking He said something stupid and then He takes offence. W/we have worked hard on this and i am learning to repeat the "odd word out" that i "heard" so He understands where the problem lies. More often than not it's entirely out of context and gives U/us a good laugh over what i thought i heard. Gets more tricky when either word will do ... when He was packing to go away for a few days W/we had an interesting roundabout conversation about "socks" and "tops" ... from a distance they sounded the same to me and i couldn't work out why He was packing His tops with His shoes! But the key point is that W/we have worked on this, myself as i noted, Him by trying to enunciate more clearly, repeat it without getting exasperated and being more prepared to accept that it is mishearing and less quick to take it personally. It's a joint effort!
As far as life goes, Master is my life partner, my guide and my support crew. He will pitch in and lend a hand when needed ... anything from writing my name and address on the Avon books for my customers, to packing and shifting heaps of boxes when W/we moved (not just "His stuff" ... He did heaps of mine!) ... to cleaning up the vomit from MY aged cat! And while He would agree that being submissive isn't about doing it ONLY when i'm "in the mood" (is it submission if you only do it when you want to??), He is sensitive to when i am genuinely under stress and He seeks to alleviate that. In short, He DOES give a damn and while He won't pander to any attempt at "putting on the agony", He responds wonderfully if the stress is real. Recently i had a bit of a harrowing day and He quietly went into the kitchen, washed up the day's dishes (W/we're guarding water supplies here so only wash up once a day), then cooked the meal. i didn't even realise until He called me out of my study ... looking at my watch i expected some recrimination about the lateness of starting dinner ... i was quite overwhelmed when i saw it had all been done. He still let me carry it in and curtsey though :-)
So ... yes, that kind of D/s relationship CAN exist, but it's not always easy to find. you need to work out what you are seeking and find a Dominant for whom that is their natural style. It's not sounding to me like you've found that with this Man ... at least not without some willingness to discuss it and negotiate on both sides!
Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A] (though violet did most of the talking in this post!)
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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)
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