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Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 7:00:36 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		This might be a bit random....

Everyone has screening criteria, whether conscious or unconscious.

I have found a great deal of antipathy from Dominant men when, in speaking with them, you find out, readily and usually quite early that you are NOT at all what they really want in a woman.

Why, do you suppose, do they get so upset and ugly when you bow out of things gracefully when it becomes readily apparant that you are not suited?

< Message edited by puella -- 5/10/2007 7:07:20 PM >

_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta
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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 7:06:32 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Because they like to think that they are God's gift to all women?

Seriously, I don't think that ALL men do get upset. I think that when you come across one who does it really says that they are not all that secure and confident in themselves.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to puella)
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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 7:14:11 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		I've had subs do this....I say "thanks but no thanks" and then I hear I am an ugly useless bitch who's not really a Domme....I love that.  I've been told I'm a horny housewife and that my pictures aren't real and a multitude of other things. 

I think they do that because they, just like when they were tots, have not learned to take "no" for an answer.  We, as human tots, make fun of others because of our own flaws and insecurities.  Some never grow out of it.

Those boys...are not the men I would choose to Dominate me or to submit to me.  So I give little regard to them.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 7:15:05 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Because rejection is hard. It's easy to be hurt when someone says, "You're not suitable," even when that's fact. People lash out when they're hurt. So, these men try to hurt you in order to hide that you've hurt them. Pretty childish, but we don't seem to teach most people how to behave better.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to puella)
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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 7:21:38 PM   
farglebargle


Posts: 10715
Joined: 6/15/2005
From: Albany, NY
Status: offline 		The most philosophically enlightening error message I've ever seen is from the Qmail mailer-daemon.

"This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out."

I wish we taught people about this in say, the second grade.

``It's all bad. You do that, you go to the box, you know. Two minutes by yourself and you feel shame, you know. And then you get free.''

- ``Slapshot'' goaltender Denny Lemieux on serving a penalty.


_____________________________

It's not every generation that gets to watch a civilization fall. Looks like we're in for a hell of a show.

ברוך אתה, אדוני אלוקינו, ריבון העולמים, מי יוצר צמחים ריחניים

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 7:21:51 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		A little while ago I received an email from someone who sounded interesting.  Getting my attention had been pretty difficult for a while.

Having said that, I didn't feel compelled to go through a lot of to-and-fro to decide whether or not to get my hopes up.  So, for the first email or two, at my suggestion, we tried to 'weed each other out'.  Start with deal-breakers, from both perspectives (what you don't want, what things about YOU you think a potential partner might not want).

Didn't work.  Couldn't come up with anything damaging enough to stop things.  Meeting (twice now) hasn't stalled the process in the least.  So, forging ahead, day by day.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to puella)
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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 7:27:33 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		You know Master Fire,

That's the really wierd thing.  About 9.99 times out of 10, it is not that I am saying.. "you know..you just do not meet my criteria," it is that I am saying.. "you know..I really do not meet your criteria, and am unwilling at this point in my life to try to become what you want me to be, instead of who I am..."

Why would that piss someone off? You would think they would be happy to know that from the outset, no? 

People...

< Message edited by puella -- 5/10/2007 7:28:35 PM >

_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 7:41:32 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		Just a form of insecurity. Some people don't take rejection well.  They don't realize that by being honest and telling them you don't think there is a match, because of discrepencies, they are doing you a favor.  Would they rather you lie and say yeah we would be great together only to spend 6 months together and later find out it was a disaster?

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Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to puella)
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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 7:58:18 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Doms don't like "No".

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to velvetears)
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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 8:04:37 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I think many of us, male and female tend to forget when looking for ~one~, that one in a million really means you've got to go through a million first. 

I lost count already............ 


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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to slaveish)
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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 8:14:04 PM   
Tuomas


Posts: 242
Joined: 2/7/2007
Status: offline 		Actually peulla, your response seems to put the blame on them: "I do not fit your criteria," ie that it's their criteria that is causing the problem, not that you and he are incompatible. This could lead them to feel like you are pointing a finger at them and respond a bit more harshly. However, people always have trouble taking rejection, particularly in this overly-luxurious society that we enjoy, and when they are, pointing the finger at someone else is an easy way to feel better (and not feel less of themselves because they did not get along with you). (was that a sentence?)

Of course this is mere speculation in my part: the kind of response you describe is illogical, so it quite likely has an illogical origin...

(in reply to Quivver)
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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 9:26:52 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		This thread should be perma-linked to the hundreds of threads on why people suddenly vanish into thin air.
 
I actually don't know that I have a screening process, per se, but it could be an unconscious thing or maybe just something that doesn't suit me or a statement I can't get past. It can be any number of things. I'm pretty up front with people about being friends first, so if things don't heat up with time we're not dealing with the drama.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Screening Criteria - 5/10/2007 10:23:10 PM   
N4SDChastity


Posts: 327
Joined: 2/27/2006
Status: offline 		I, personally, have had a fair amount of hostility from subs who have approached me, and subsuquently found out they are not what I'm looking for (it's IN the profile, duh!).  If, and it's rare that I do, but, IF I send out a note, and the reply is negative, or (more common), no reply is forthcoming, *I* move on.  Like asking a girl to dance, in a club (it's been many, many, many years since I went "clubbin'," but I still remember the process), if one says, "no," you keep trollin'.  No sense getting upset about it.

(in reply to spanklette)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 2:36:11 AM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		If a woman is not what I'm looking for, I want to know as soon as I can. 

Generally though, I like to make up my own mind if she's not right for me based on my own screening criteria and decisions.  

I know if somebody tells me that they are not what I'm looking for, I like to ask the proverbial lines of questions of "How so?" and "What do you mean?".  In part to check if she was jumping to some sort of false conclusion or asumption.  Perhaps I miscommunicated something to her. 

There have been a few situations where I've told somebody I was not what they were looking for, I'm afraid it only peaked their interest more.  So I tend to cut to the chase and tell them the exact reason(s) why I'm not what they are looking for. This gives them a chance to clear up any misunderstandings quickly. 

< Message edited by WhiplashSmile -- 5/11/2007 2:50:16 AM >

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 2:42:01 AM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with Tuomas.....
How we say something either causes defensiveness or acceptance.
NO you dont need to coddle, no need to, but be straight up and claim your own feelings instead of projecting.

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to Tuomas)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 2:46:12 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		hmmm... projecting.  Okay.

_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta

(in reply to shyinini)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 2:46:39 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella
Why, do you suppose, do they get so upset and ugly when you bow out of things gracefully when it becomes readily apparant that you are not suited?


From the examples I have seen and heard about, most of the unpleasentness comes from emotionaly immature 'dims' with fragile egos and stems from seeing anything that doesn't match their pathetic little fantasys as being a rejection to be taken slight about and get hostile and defensive over.

When I was searching I talked to and met quite a number of girls who turned out not to be compatable. Most of those conversations ended with Me wishing them good luck in their search and hope they found their Mister Right soon.... But then My ego is a rather robust thang


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 3:32:57 AM   
NakedGirlScout


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		I agree with most of the other responses, it's simple immaturity and fragile egos doing the lashing out.

Sometimes it's been taken to ridiculous extremes, with the "doms" becoming ugly stalkers, or accusing me of really being a man, or being insane, or claiming that because I'm not interested in him it's proof that I'll never find anyone to meet my criteria. I'm always gabberflasted at how enormously egomaniac some of them are to seriously believe that they are perfect for everyone they approach, and at the same time feel so disproportionately insecure about it.

Or-- in the funniest incidents of 'sour grapes'-- imperiously telling me never to contact them again because I am not what they are looking for, after I've already broken off contact and said goodbye first.

I figure that these are the adult kids who used to throw sand at other kids in the sandbox, and never grew out of it.

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 3:39:20 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		A rejection is a rejection is a rejection. (Thank you Gertrude Stein)

Sure it is human nature to get pissed when you are rejected. I try not to put myself in the position where I am rejected or have to reject anyone. Subtle social nuances work without anyone feeling rejected. Something like, "I have to go...bye." Heh

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 4:06:30 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain
Subtle social nuances work without anyone feeling rejected. Something like, "I have to go...bye." Heh


I don't tend to see that approach as anything but ducking the question, even if the question is unspoken. If THEY are interested they maybe left wondering, in a 'holding pattern' waiting for you to come back, left still hoping.... and thus likely to spark unwanted attentions.

I try to make it clear but keep it impersonal. "I think it is quite apparent there isn't a spark here sweetie. Just friendship on the cards as you are lovely to talk to but nothing more" That way they at least can't be under any illusion that there is no interest.

If they start with the offencive behaviour (Less common from women, but still there occassionaly and for the same reasons) then I stop being so polite about it.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 20
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