Screening Criteria

Screening Criteria (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

puella -> Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 7:00:36 PM)
This might be a bit random.... Everyone has screening criteria, whether conscious or unconscious. I have found a great deal of antipathy from Dominant men when, in speaking with them, you find out, readily and usually quite early that you are NOT at all what they really want in a woman. Why, do you suppose, do they get so upset and ugly when you bow out of things gracefully when it becomes readily apparant that you are not suited?

mistoferin -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 7:06:32 PM)
Because they like to think that they are God's gift to all women? Seriously, I don't think that ALL men do get upset. I think that when you come across one who does it really says that they are not all that secure and confident in themselves.

earthycouple -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 7:14:11 PM)
I've had subs do this....I say "thanks but no thanks" and then I hear I am an ugly useless bitch who's not really a Domme....I love that. I've been told I'm a horny housewife and that my pictures aren't real and a multitude of other things. I think they do that because they, just like when they were tots, have not learned to take "no" for an answer. We, as human tots, make fun of others because of our own flaws and insecurities. Some never grow out of it. Those boys...are not the men I would choose to Dominate me or to submit to me. So I give little regard to them.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 7:15:05 PM)
Because rejection is hard. It's easy to be hurt when someone says, "You're not suitable," even when that's fact. People lash out when they're hurt. So, these men try to hurt you in order to hide that you've hurt them. Pretty childish, but we don't seem to teach most people how to behave better. Master Fire

farglebargle -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 7:21:38 PM)
The most philosophically enlightening error message I've ever seen is from the Qmail mailer-daemon. "This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out." I wish we taught people about this in say, the second grade. ``It's all bad. You do that, you go to the box, you know. Two minutes by yourself and you feel shame, you know. And then you get free.'' - ``Slapshot'' goaltender Denny Lemieux on serving a penalty.

mstrjx -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 7:21:51 PM)
A little while ago I received an email from someone who sounded interesting. Getting my attention had been pretty difficult for a while. Having said that, I didn't feel compelled to go through a lot of to-and-fro to decide whether or not to get my hopes up. So, for the first email or two, at my suggestion, we tried to 'weed each other out'. Start with deal-breakers, from both perspectives (what you don't want, what things about YOU you think a potential partner might not want). Didn't work. Couldn't come up with anything damaging enough to stop things. Meeting (twice now) hasn't stalled the process in the least. So, forging ahead, day by day. Jeff

puella -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 7:27:33 PM)
You know Master Fire, That's the really wierd thing. About 9.99 times out of 10, it is not that I am saying.. "you know..you just do not meet my criteria," it is that I am saying.. "you know..I really do not meet your criteria, and am unwilling at this point in my life to try to become what you want me to be, instead of who I am..." Why would that piss someone off? You would think they would be happy to know that from the outset, no? People...

velvetears -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 7:41:32 PM)
Just a form of insecurity. Some people don't take rejection well. They don't realize that by being honest and telling them you don't think there is a match, because of discrepencies, they are doing you a favor. Would they rather you lie and say yeah we would be great together only to spend 6 months together and later find out it was a disaster?

slaveish -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 7:58:18 PM)
Doms don't like "No".

Quivver -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 8:04:37 PM)
I think many of us, male and female tend to forget when looking for ~one~, that one in a million really means you've got to go through a million first. I lost count already............ [8D]

Tuomas -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 8:14:04 PM)
Actually peulla, your response seems to put the blame on them: "I do not fit your criteria," ie that it's their criteria that is causing the problem, not that you and he are incompatible. This could lead them to feel like you are pointing a finger at them and respond a bit more harshly. However, people always have trouble taking rejection, particularly in this overly-luxurious society that we enjoy, and when they are, pointing the finger at someone else is an easy way to feel better (and not feel less of themselves because they did not get along with you). (was that a sentence?) Of course this is mere speculation in my part: the kind of response you describe is illogical, so it quite likely has an illogical origin...

spanklette -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 9:26:52 PM)
This thread should be perma-linked to the hundreds of threads on why people suddenly vanish into thin air. I actually don't know that I have a screening process, per se, but it could be an unconscious thing or maybe just something that doesn't suit me or a statement I can't get past. It can be any number of things. I'm pretty up front with people about being friends first, so if things don't heat up with time we're not dealing with the drama.

N4SDChastity -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/10/2007 10:23:10 PM)
I, personally, have had a fair amount of hostility from subs who have approached me, and subsuquently found out they are not what I'm looking for (it's IN the profile, duh!). If, and it's rare that I do, but, IF I send out a note, and the reply is negative, or (more common), no reply is forthcoming, I move on. Like asking a girl to dance, in a club (it's been many, many, many years since I went "clubbin'," but I still remember the process), if one says, "no," you keep trollin'. No sense getting upset about it.

WhiplashSmile -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/11/2007 2:36:11 AM)
If a woman is not what I'm looking for, I want to know as soon as I can. Generally though, I like to make up my own mind if she's not right for me based on my own screening criteria and decisions. I know if somebody tells me that they are not what I'm looking for, I like to ask the proverbial lines of questions of "How so?" and "What do you mean?". In part to check if she was jumping to some sort of false conclusion or asumption. Perhaps I miscommunicated something to her. There have been a few situations where I've told somebody I was not what they were looking for, I'm afraid it only peaked their interest more. So I tend to cut to the chase and tell them the exact reason(s) why I'm not what they are looking for. This gives them a chance to clear up any misunderstandings quickly.

shyinini -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/11/2007 2:42:01 AM)
I agree with Tuomas..... How we say something either causes defensiveness or acceptance. NO you dont need to coddle, no need to, but be straight up and claim your own feelings instead of projecting.

puella -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/11/2007 2:46:12 AM)
hmmm... projecting. Okay.

RavenMuse -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/11/2007 2:46:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: puella Why, do you suppose, do they get so upset and ugly when you bow out of things gracefully when it becomes readily apparant that you are not suited? From the examples I have seen and heard about, most of the unpleasentness comes from emotionaly immature 'dims' with fragile egos and stems from seeing anything that doesn't match their pathetic little fantasys as being a rejection to be taken slight about and get hostile and defensive over. When I was searching I talked to and met quite a number of girls who turned out not to be compatable. Most of those conversations ended with Me wishing them good luck in their search and hope they found their Mister Right soon.... But then My ego is a rather robust thang [:D]

NakedGirlScout -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/11/2007 3:32:57 AM)
I agree with most of the other responses, it's simple immaturity and fragile egos doing the lashing out. Sometimes it's been taken to ridiculous extremes, with the "doms" becoming ugly stalkers, or accusing me of really being a man, or being insane, or claiming that because I'm not interested in him it's proof that I'll never find anyone to meet my criteria. I'm always gabberflasted at how enormously egomaniac some of them are to seriously believe that they are perfect for everyone they approach, and at the same time feel so disproportionately insecure about it. Or-- in the funniest incidents of 'sour grapes'-- imperiously telling me never to contact them again because I am not what they are looking for, after I've already broken off contact and said goodbye first. I figure that these are the adult kids who used to throw sand at other kids in the sandbox, and never grew out of it.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/11/2007 3:39:20 AM)
A rejection is a rejection is a rejection. (Thank you Gertrude Stein) Sure it is human nature to get pissed when you are rejected. I try not to put myself in the position where I am rejected or have to reject anyone. Subtle social nuances work without anyone feeling rejected. Something like, "I have to go...bye." Heh

RavenMuse -> RE: Screening Criteria (5/11/2007 4:06:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain Subtle social nuances work without anyone feeling rejected. Something like, "I have to go...bye." Heh I don't tend to see that approach as anything but ducking the question, even if the question is unspoken. If THEY are interested they maybe left wondering, in a 'holding pattern' waiting for you to come back, left still hoping.... and thus likely to spark unwanted attentions. I try to make it clear but keep it impersonal. "I think it is quite apparent there isn't a spark here sweetie. Just friendship on the cards as you are lovely to talk to but nothing more" That way they at least can't be under any illusion that there is no interest. If they start with the offencive behaviour (Less common from women, but still there occassionaly and for the same reasons) then I stop being so polite about it.

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875