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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 4:31:30 AM

IrishMist

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The same reason anyone reacts badly to rejection.

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 5:23:53 AM

windchymes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Tuomas

Actually peulla, your response seems to put the blame on them: "I do not fit your criteria," ie that it's their criteria that is causing the problem, not that you and he are incompatible. This could lead them to feel like you are pointing a finger at them and respond a bit more harshly. However, people always have trouble taking rejection, particularly in this overly-luxurious society that we enjoy, and when they are, pointing the finger at someone else is an easy way to feel better (and not feel less of themselves because they did not get along with you). (was that a sentence?)

Of course this is mere speculation in my part: the kind of response you describe is illogical, so it quite likely has an illogical origin...

I have to disagree.....when I get introductory emails from someone whose profile lists their "Lives For" and "Loves" as things that are totally the opposite of what I love and live for (like poly, 50's household, Gorean, watersports), I think it's just being honest in saying "I don't fit your criteria" or "I don't think I'm what you're really looking for" or even listing specifically that I'm "Not looking for poly, Gorean, etc". I always soften it up by wishing them well and hoping they find what they're looking for, and even putting a little :) after it.

After all, we do stress honesty in communication here, don't we? :)

If the recipient doesn't have the maturity to realize that not everyone in here WILL meet his wants/needs, and responds in a nasty way to what he perceives as rejection, well, he'll just have to work through that. If he..or she...responds rudely back, well, it's just one more to thin out of the herd. :)

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 12:19:03 PM

MellowSir

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I'd say that maybe it's frustration that the screens women tend to use are much too fine, when there aren't really many knights in shining armor...they need perhaps to state what faults they are willing to accept, just as much as stating all the good qualities they want in a dom.....

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 12:31:28 PM

Copulo

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I usually say, ‘ well its been nice chatting but ‘WE’ are obviously after very different things’ before wishing them a fond farewell and a smile

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 12:56:11 PM

pagansub77

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I try to answer every email I get, even the ones that are completely crude. A "Nice tits, do you swallow?" type message usually gets the standard "How's that approach workin' for ya?" response, but hell, I am only human. LOL

I recently received one of the most thoughtful, well written approaches I've ever seen. It contained a deal breaker for me though, married. My response was also polite and wished him well. He responded with class in understanding my limit and a polite thanks for taking the time to answer.

Why can't more folks practice taking no for an answer in such a classy way?

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 1:26:37 PM

OsideGirl

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I've had to tell Doms "I'm not right person for you" and had it get ugly.

I knew what I was looking for....and what that person was looking for wasn't the same thing. It was the reality that we'd make each other miserable because we have different needs and goals for our lives.

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 1:38:57 PM

robertolapiedra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

This might be a bit random....

Everyone has screening criteria, whether conscious or unconscious.

I have found a great deal of antipathy from Dominant men when, in speaking with them, you find out, readily and usually quite early that you are NOT at all what they really want in a woman.

Why, do you suppose, do they get so upset and ugly when you bow out of things gracefully when it becomes readily apparant that you are not suited?

Hello puella. Are you generalizing? A little? You contact all dominent men or/and all dominent men contact you and it ends up (generally) when they reject you with a 'great deal of 'antipathy' and when you reject the rest (not interested) they are 'very upset' and 'ugly'?

I'm a dom (not looking!) and I checked your profile to see if a dom could get the wrong idea...Submissive. Only hard limit posted: polyamory. Romantic writing. Nice artsy photo. I find that subs and dom(me)s are very specific in their profiles 'in general' wich usually helps lower ones rejection rate. I do not think you are looking for a sadist who has a cacti kink, are you? This guy could get ugly if he finds out you only want regular one one old fashioned D/s marriage. Generally speaking, are all male doms that stupid? Is this reply antipathic? RL.

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 2:18:09 PM

puella

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Hello Rorberto,

Firstly, the OP may have been a bit general, but I suppose you may have missed that the tone was a sure give away that it was a late night rant, not a soul searching "please give me enlightenment" sort of post.

However, I did rather specifically say that it was directed at a certain populace who get a bit ugly when you point out that there is not much compatability... I did not say every dominant man I have ever spoken to does this.

Lastly... I do not think you have quite pegged me right in regards to what I want.

Given all that, I wish you the best!

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 2:29:34 PM

ExSteelAgain

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain
Subtle social nuances work without anyone feeling rejected. Something like, "I have to go...bye." Heh

I don't tend to see that approach as anything but ducking the question, even if the question is unspoken. If THEY are interested they maybe left wondering, in a 'holding pattern' waiting for you to come back, left still hoping.... and thus likely to spark unwanted attentions.

I try to make it clear but keep it impersonal. "I think it is quite apparent there isn't a spark here sweetie. Just friendship on the cards as you are lovely to talk to but nothing more" That way they at least can't be under any illusion that there is no interest.

If they start with the offencive behaviour (Less common from women, but still there occassionaly and for the same reasons) then I stop being so polite about it.

Raven, I agree with you in those kind of cases, but I'm talking more about not letting something get that far. In other words, avoiding the necessity of having to let someone feeling rejected by not getting close to begin.

To me that is what this is all about. The art of not letting the other person feel close enough if you are not attracted or don't think it will work early on.

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 2:30:51 PM

MstrssPassion

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

This might be a bit random

Everyone has screening criteria, whether conscious or unconscious.

I have found a great deal of antipathy from Dominant men when, in speaking with them, you find out, readily and usually quite early that you are NOT at all what they really want in a woman.

Why, do you suppose, do they get so upset and ugly when you bow out of things gracefully when it becomes readily apparant that you are not suited?

I would have to say that those who blow up on you are hanging onto the very fine fiber that supports their sense of dominance... let me guess, do they say that you are attempting to control your destiny-- that you are over-stepping the bounds of being a real or true slave because YOU are deciding how this relationship might work out-- or any other variation of what one might say whilst beating their chest.

eh, consider yourself lucky... at least you know you made the right choice... just close the connection & move on

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 2:41:04 PM

Griswold

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

This might be a bit random....

Everyone has screening criteria, whether conscious or unconscious.

I have found a great deal of antipathy from Dominant men when, in speaking with them, you find out, readily and usually quite early that you are NOT at all what they really want in a woman.

Why, do you suppose, do they get so upset and ugly when you bow out of things gracefully when it becomes readily apparant that you are not suited?

I'm not at all sure, frankly.

I'm thinking..."you're naked...you look like a girl....I'm in".

(But I have an unusual data set).

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 2:56:08 PM

MasterFatePgh

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The answer in a word is ....wannab......they wannab anyones Dom! They rattle their little swords and expect you to bow down. Keep your sense of humor and hit that block button, life is good.....

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 5:40:02 PM

robertolapiedra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

Hello Rorberto,

Firstly, the OP may have been a bit general, but I suppose you may have missed that the tone was a sure give away that it was a late night rant, not a soul searching "please give me enlightenment" sort of post.

However, I did rather specifically say that it was directed at a certain populace who get a bit ugly when you point out that there is not much compatability... I did not say every dominant man I have ever spoken to does this.

Lastly... I do not think you have quite pegged me right in regards to what I want.

Given all that, I wish you the best!

Thank you puella, for clearing this up for me. I was not 'pegging' you, that was humor.

I was using a 'caricature' of the lifestyle to explain my point of view which is this: With the canvas you paint of yourself (beautiful by the way) one may imagine you in a manner completely at odds with your 'intent' as the 'painter'. I wonder if this kind of artful representation (which I like!) invites more 'inaccurate projections' than more explicit renderings. That ok with you? RL.

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 6:29:02 PM

puella

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Sure, do whatcha need to do, doll.

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 9:11:29 PM

Halley

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EGO

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/11/2007 9:34:09 PM

minnetar

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

This might be a bit random....

Everyone has screening criteria, whether conscious or unconscious.

I have found a great deal of antipathy from Dominant men when, in speaking with them, you find out, readily and usually quite early that you are NOT at all what they really want in a woman.

Why, do you suppose, do they get so upset and ugly when you bow out of things gracefully when it becomes readily apparant that you are not suited?

i have not found that at all. i have found Doms to be very accepting of my criteria. lol makes me question what yours are.

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/12/2007 12:16:23 AM

Vendaval

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Hello puella,

You should also consider how much energy and hope people put into someone they only know from the Net.
I remind folks to not get too attached until they know each other in the Real World.
You also have the mental/emotional expectations and unspoken needs, wants and desires lurking in the background.

Far too often more time and energy go into the fantasy ideal of a person
than being able to deal with a live human being in the real world.

Then the current fantasy partner to be of the moment says,
"No" and the ego is crushed into little bitty bits.

Add in the "trophy sub/slave" factor in many cases and you have a boiling mad,
frothing at the mouth, rejected Dominant.

IMNSHO,

Vendaval

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/12/2007 12:38:29 AM

DominaSmartass

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If there is a boy that I am interested enough in to talk to and after a period of time where I think it's going well he were to say "I don't think I'm what you're looking for" I would be a bit confused. I mean, don't I know what I'm looking for? And if I think I see it in him then what? Am I seeing something that's not really there? Is he not showing me his true colors, thus leading me to believe he might be a match but he's not? I would rather him say "I don't think I want the same things you do" or "I don't think we're compatible" and if that's his opinion, then there's nothing I can do to deny that. But for him to presume to tell me that I wouldn't be happy with him or that I am not capable of deciding for myself if he's close enough to what I want to pursue, well it does seem a little bit of a cop out. Sort of a "it's not you, it's me" line. I can tell you certainly don't mean it that way but I think that doms tend to get touchy if you imply that you can read their minds and make the decision for them that *you* are not what *they* want. Just tell them that they are not what *you* want, simple as that. ;)

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/12/2007 7:34:28 AM

puella

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It's not exactly reading their minds when they give you a grocery list of what they want, or when they list it in their profile....

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RE: Screening Criteria - 5/12/2007 7:57:31 AM

sugarcoatedscamp

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

It's not exactly reading their minds when they give you a grocery list of what they want, or when they list it in their profile....

So change the wording a little bit and say something like, "I'm sorry, but I have no interest in _____, _____ or _____. I see from your profile that these are things you strongly desire. I wish you the best of luck in finding a submissive whose passions match your own."

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