LuciusAestus
Posts: 26
Joined: 12/12/2006
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First a little warning, this will be long, and probably not that entertaining to read, so stay away from this thread if you cannot accept that. What is this thread about? Recently I've gotten into a relationship that drives me mad in a way, but this is my fault completely. I wish to ask for advice and vent a little. I decided to post about it here, because I remember you as a mature community and because not everyone else would understand this kind of relationship.
There are two things that should be noted about me before we proceed:
-I'm a loner by choice. I live very isolated, I literary have no friends in real life, I don't feel close to anyone (not even my own my family), I tell myself I've never loved anyone, and I lack very important human emotions, such as sympathy, empathy, love, hate, fear and anger. But these are things I plan to change later, in half a year, or so.
-My views on BDSM has changed rapidly over the years. Not long ago I considered myself submissive. I don't remember in what order, but as a submissive I've believed that it's just a sexual thing, that it's more than a sexual thing and that I could be into the lifestyle as long as I can see it as a game and refuse to take it too seriously. After going through those beliefs quite a few times in no particular order, I consider a new option: I'm not submissive, I just like being fucked, like I'd prefer to be the bitch rather than the butch in a gay relationship, just that I want that in a straight relationship instead. After enjoying to view myself that way for a while, I decided that I was a bit more dominant than I've considered myself, and I started fantasizing about having my own human pet. And then, all of a sudden, my submissive side jumps out of the shadows again, telling me that I really want to be a pet instead, with this I realize that I've been forcing the dominance upon myself, possibly for the reason of impressing myself and any submissive I might meet. I try to be a bit truer to myself. And that's where I find myself today, I say that I'm a switch who prefers to a sub. I could get into the lifestyle, but I still don't wish to take it too seriously.
Now that I've explained that, I can move on to what this thread is really about. Having concluded that I won't be finding anyone I like in my own town, I've opened up a lot to the idea of long-distance relationships. I've dreamt of meeting someone online who lives in an interesting place, and after getting to know them, moving to their place next summer and enjoy the benefits of a relationship within a decent distance. So through the shifting beliefs of my role, I've been seeking online pets and online mistresses, having little luck with either, which is the curse of being a man, no one wants an online relationship with you. I complained a bit about this to a girl, and sometimes when I complain, it's more to see how they respond than to complain for my own sake, and this time, doing that was a most excellent choice. She asked what I meant about online dominance, and I explained, and it turns out she loves the idea. A little backstory on the girl: She's awesome. We have many of the same interests, which is hard to find in a girl who isn't fat and/or ugly nowadays. Obviously she isn't ugly, she is just my type when it comes to looks too. A guy who wanted to hit on her before I got interested in her once said "I wonder how a girl like her became one of us", and that is a very good question. So she's pretty much the perfect girl, and I'm sure that if I could call her mine, I'd have the envy of millions, and this is one thing that worries me, if I can't claim her fast, someone else will want to. After learning that she would like to make me her online slave, I ask the gods whose life I've saved to deserve this. But then a con comes in and takes his hat off. She tells me that she'd prefer a female slave. She says that she's happy with what she has, but a male slave just isn't the same as a female one. After she understands that I didn't really like hearing that, she tells me that even if she found one, she'd still keep me, and she wouldn't treat us differently. I keep to myself that I think that she doesn't really mean it, but wants me to feel better. She's bisexual, but I recall that she said that she doesn't wish to ndate another girl again in a while. But she still wants a female slave, she just doesn't want to date one. This has made me hope that she'd prefer a male for romance, and a female for dominance, but still wouldn't mind using the male for dominance too, but I'm very unsure about this. I doubt that it's possible to treat two pets equally, and I doubt that she means it too. Actually, this was just backstory too, now I'm really getting to the case.
What the hell is my problem anyway? In short, I'm in love and fear that she doesn't feel the same way about me. I'm usually a very independant person, as I've stated, I spend most of my time alone, telling myself that I don't need the company of others, but still I feel lonely at times. But now that I feel that I'm in love, that changes. I feel like I have a dependentent personality disorder, because I suddenly lose my independence, and forget about my interests, just trying to pass time as I wait for her to get online so we may speak again. This literaly happened overnight. Last Friday everything was normal, but now I have problems sleeping, and being awake, nothing works. You might say that I'm dramatizing this way too much, and you're probably right, but I'll try to explain better why I worry so much. I feel that I find her more important than she finds me, and I can't stand that feeling. I explained the thing about her sexuality, I worry that she will never have the same feelings for a male as she would have for a female, and I don't wish to have my gender stop me from having a place in her heart. Next is the distance thing, we live on two completely different continents, and just because I can love someone that far away doesn't mean that she can, I worry that she will never have such feelings for someone she's just met online. And lastly I worry that I'm not her type at all when it comes to romance, I'm just her type as a pet, just because I feel that such relationship should have a steady dose of love, doesn't mean that she does. And the obvious suggestion would be "Talk to her about it", but I don't dare to confess my love for her without having a hint about the way she feels back. And yes, I do worry too much, but there's not much to do about that.
Phew, I think that sum it up. I'll just hope someone wishes to take it seriously and reply with something helpful. If you'v actually read all that, I'm impressed. Thank you for your time.
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Newly started relationship problems - 
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RE: Newly started relationship problems - 
and 
. It is a joyous feeling to know that someone is thinking about you and they have all these great ideas and seem to be just like you. However, right now you are only seeing the text on the screen. You have not seen this person, nor have you seen their habits, you don't know if this person is all talk and no action. The internet gives a great deal of anominity (sorry for spelling); anyone can be anyone, anytime. I'm not saying any of this is fake, but you just need to be cautious. Take a breather and step back and realize that if this is meant to be, it WILL happen. If its not meant to be, don't force it. Take the experience that you gain and be wiser for the next decision. 
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