Newly started relationship problems

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LuciusAestus -> Newly started relationship problems (5/7/2007 1:29:22 AM)
First a little warning, this will be long, and probably not that entertaining to read, so stay away from this thread if you cannot accept that. What is this thread about? Recently I've gotten into a relationship that drives me mad in a way, but this is my fault completely. I wish to ask for advice and vent a little. I decided to post about it here, because I remember you as a mature community and because not everyone else would understand this kind of relationship. There are two things that should be noted about me before we proceed: -I'm a loner by choice. I live very isolated, I literary have no friends in real life, I don't feel close to anyone (not even my own my family), I tell myself I've never loved anyone, and I lack very important human emotions, such as sympathy, empathy, love, hate, fear and anger. But these are things I plan to change later, in half a year, or so. -My views on BDSM has changed rapidly over the years. Not long ago I considered myself submissive. I don't remember in what order, but as a submissive I've believed that it's just a sexual thing, that it's more than a sexual thing and that I could be into the lifestyle as long as I can see it as a game and refuse to take it too seriously. After going through those beliefs quite a few times in no particular order, I consider a new option: I'm not submissive, I just like being fucked, like I'd prefer to be the bitch rather than the butch in a gay relationship, just that I want that in a straight relationship instead. After enjoying to view myself that way for a while, I decided that I was a bit more dominant than I've considered myself, and I started fantasizing about having my own human pet. And then, all of a sudden, my submissive side jumps out of the shadows again, telling me that I really want to be a pet instead, with this I realize that I've been forcing the dominance upon myself, possibly for the reason of impressing myself and any submissive I might meet. I try to be a bit truer to myself. And that's where I find myself today, I say that I'm a switch who prefers to a sub. I could get into the lifestyle, but I still don't wish to take it too seriously. Now that I've explained that, I can move on to what this thread is really about. Having concluded that I won't be finding anyone I like in my own town, I've opened up a lot to the idea of long-distance relationships. I've dreamt of meeting someone online who lives in an interesting place, and after getting to know them, moving to their place next summer and enjoy the benefits of a relationship within a decent distance. So through the shifting beliefs of my role, I've been seeking online pets and online mistresses, having little luck with either, which is the curse of being a man, no one wants an online relationship with you. I complained a bit about this to a girl, and sometimes when I complain, it's more to see how they respond than to complain for my own sake, and this time, doing that was a most excellent choice. She asked what I meant about online dominance, and I explained, and it turns out she loves the idea. A little backstory on the girl: She's awesome. We have many of the same interests, which is hard to find in a girl who isn't fat and/or ugly nowadays. Obviously she isn't ugly, she is just my type when it comes to looks too. A guy who wanted to hit on her before I got interested in her once said "I wonder how a girl like her became one of us", and that is a very good question. So she's pretty much the perfect girl, and I'm sure that if I could call her mine, I'd have the envy of millions, and this is one thing that worries me, if I can't claim her fast, someone else will want to. After learning that she would like to make me her online slave, I ask the gods whose life I've saved to deserve this. But then a con comes in and takes his hat off. She tells me that she'd prefer a female slave. She says that she's happy with what she has, but a male slave just isn't the same as a female one. After she understands that I didn't really like hearing that, she tells me that even if she found one, she'd still keep me, and she wouldn't treat us differently. I keep to myself that I think that she doesn't really mean it, but wants me to feel better. She's bisexual, but I recall that she said that she doesn't wish to ndate another girl again in a while. But she still wants a female slave, she just doesn't want to date one. This has made me hope that she'd prefer a male for romance, and a female for dominance, but still wouldn't mind using the male for dominance too, but I'm very unsure about this. I doubt that it's possible to treat two pets equally, and I doubt that she means it too. Actually, this was just backstory too, now I'm really getting to the case. What the hell is my problem anyway? In short, I'm in love and fear that she doesn't feel the same way about me. I'm usually a very independant person, as I've stated, I spend most of my time alone, telling myself that I don't need the company of others, but still I feel lonely at times. But now that I feel that I'm in love, that changes. I feel like I have a dependentent personality disorder, because I suddenly lose my independence, and forget about my interests, just trying to pass time as I wait for her to get online so we may speak again. This literaly happened overnight. Last Friday everything was normal, but now I have problems sleeping, and being awake, nothing works. You might say that I'm dramatizing this way too much, and you're probably right, but I'll try to explain better why I worry so much. I feel that I find her more important than she finds me, and I can't stand that feeling. I explained the thing about her sexuality, I worry that she will never have the same feelings for a male as she would have for a female, and I don't wish to have my gender stop me from having a place in her heart. Next is the distance thing, we live on two completely different continents, and just because I can love someone that far away doesn't mean that she can, I worry that she will never have such feelings for someone she's just met online. And lastly I worry that I'm not her type at all when it comes to romance, I'm just her type as a pet, just because I feel that such relationship should have a steady dose of love, doesn't mean that she does. And the obvious suggestion would be "Talk to her about it", but I don't dare to confess my love for her without having a hint about the way she feels back. And yes, I do worry too much, but there's not much to do about that. Phew, I think that sum it up. I'll just hope someone wishes to take it seriously and reply with something helpful. If you'v actually read all that, I'm impressed. Thank you for your time.

VoudoVixen -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/7/2007 2:05:33 AM)
love and human connection is not about this kind of obsession,.. you have lost yourself,.. stop and journey inside you to find what you seek outside,... love is not about getting, its about giving

Satyr6406 -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/7/2007 2:21:26 AM)
It sounds to me like you're trying to "fix yourself" by using people outside yourself. I am not judging, here. A lot of us have gone through something similar, I'm sure. What I am saying is that you need to become comfortable with who you are. I understand enjoying "alone time" but, seriously? NO friends? NO close relationships? That's an issue, my good man. I know that I, myself, don't make friends easily but, there has got to be a "line". Each of us needs intelligent emotional input. So, let's assume that I'm right and, emotionally, you're "a mess". Do you really want to entangle another human being in your muck and myre? That would be the epitome of selfishness (Neither a submissive nor a dominant quality). Wouldn't you rather "present a nice package" to whomever you wish to partner with? Forget about relationships. Go and get yourself a good counsellor and "fix" yourself before you start worrying about adding more "victims" to your "darkness". Now, let's assume I'm wrong and you're a fairly well-adjusted individual that's just going through a conflict of some kind. Do you really want to entangle another human being in your muck and myre? You need to get this temporary issue out of the way before you can have any kind of successful relationship. Either way, the advice is the same: Stop worrying about "partnering" and find out who you are, who you want to be, how you're going to get there and who you'd like to meet, once you get to your destination. Peace and comfort, Michael

LuciusAestus -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/7/2007 2:41:28 AM)
VoudoVixen: Your words makes alot of sense, but it's easier said than done. I've journeyed inside myself for years, and I'm still in the process, but right after this started, I start feeling more messed up again. I guess I am a little obsessive, and I don't know what to do about it, I just fear lsoing her too much already. I'm worried that I'll give too much and end up lonely again, just with a little reminder of the joys of love to make the solitude a little painful. I don't need that. Satyr6406: I'm not trying to fix myself, at least not in the way you were talking about. I was happy enough when I was lonely, my emotions became messed up first when I ruined that loneliness. And I kinda knew this would happen, but I had no way to prepare myself. You cannot go easily from complete solitude to a loving relationship. I might wish to have others help me fix my antisocial behavior, because it's impossible to fix that without social interaction. But I'm not trying to throw it off on anyone, it's my own fault that I am the way I am, and it's my own repsonsibility to do something about it. I don't anyone else to have bad experiences because of it, and that maight be another reason I haven't talked to her about it yet. I don't worry about partnering at all, I've survived without one for ages, it's just that I don't want this one to get away from me. But thanks, I'll think more about your advice.

julietsierra -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/7/2007 2:54:12 AM)
Like many others these days, I began all this online as well. It was a heady experience!! When I'd fall for someone, I'd fall hard and like you, I could barely wait to get online with that person again. And let me tell you! They were WONDERFUL people. Each one of them was "just like me." Each one of them just SO "understood me." But for some reason, as time went on and I got to know them better - even if only ever online, they kept turning out less and less "like me" than I initially thought they were. And I don't know when it occurred, but I discovered something very important about online relationships. They're all about the person doing the actual typing. You are falling for yourself. Yep...You are falling in love with yourself. That person you're speaking to sounds so much "like you" because aside from the words that show up on your screen, your imagination is providing the rest in order to make that person a well rounded full individual. She is not heavy, not ugly, says all the right things for you. And in your mind, she behaves exactly as you would have her behave. While the words you're reading come from someone else, the person you've created is exactly that - your creation. Of COURSE you'd fall in love with her!!! She's YOU! Now.. meet her, find out all those intangibles and how they stack up against the perfect person you've created. You might just find out that you were right. On the other hand, you might find out she chews with her mouth open, she cracks her knuckles when she's nervous, she tends to giggle too much, not enough, in the wrong tone, etc from what you'd imagined her to be. It's THEN you can discover if you've fallen for someone in your head. In the end, while online relationships sometimes work out, the thing that most often happens is that people move on. Personally, from all you've said here, it sounds like you've created this opportunity as a way of safely (for you) exploring such scary feelings like love and friendship without actually having to engage in them beyond when you're on the computer. Fortunately (because you can now see you're capable of them) and unfortunately for you, you're finding out just how good these feelings can feel and it truly can be scary. With no friends, no connections to family, and an amorphous idea of who you are, you have much more to be concerned with than simply falling for someone online. Explore your feelings. That's a good thing. But like the others have said, it might be a real good idea to get to the bottom of why there's such a shut off for you when it comes to your feelings in real world situations. juliet

LuciusAestus -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/7/2007 7:02:19 AM)
One thing that has comforted me a bit is that I can blame some of the problems I've encountered on a more physical condition instead of lovesickness. Obviously it's good to know that I'll just have to get some medicine instead of looking deep into myself for answer in order to regain my usual sleeping patterns. It also feels good to have vented somewhere. I've managed to regain much more positivity for the situation now. julietsierra: Yes, I can feel very familiar with that. I have a habit of perceiving people as more boring the more I get to know them, but I've mostly seen this as a problem with myself. I don't want to worry about it happening in this situation too, but it'd be foolish of me to not be prepared for the situation. I can say though that at first it seemed like we had nothing in common and there wasn't much to do about it, so I rarely exchanged much words with her, and I thought that eventually I'd just remove her from my AIM contacts list and forget about her. But instead we discovered one common interest at some point, and that became the breeding ground for the rest of it. I was thinking at this time that I knew enough about her, but I was wrong, and it was at this point I started learning more about her and getting more and more interested. But anyway, there will come a time when I shall break out of this emotional shield, but not yet, I've planned it for later. For now I just want to reap the benefits of the internet with my unhealthy lifestyle. And I think I'll accept that she may just be an illusion created by my own mind, but it's an illusion that brings me joy, along with worries. I guess the important thing is that I feel better, for now.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/7/2007 7:06:50 AM)
For whatever reason, you never learned how to moderate or create healthy relationships with other people on most any level. So now when you have strong feelings, you don't have any skills in your toolbox to cope. Mix that in with a healthy dose of first love plus a load of insecurities, boy you do have yourself quite a mess. Frankly I'd say let this one go- start to make FRIENDS locally. Because unless you get some lightning strike of someone who is almost just like you, with compatible desires to you, and who will grow at the same pace in a relationship as you, it's very unlikely things will work out. Start building the necessary relationship skills to cope with these feelings and learn how to grow with someone, rather than making it all or nothing.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/7/2007 7:50:18 AM)
Some comments: 1) Putting a time table on you changing completely isn't a good idea. The Universe will surely mess with that! 2) Denying your emotions and desires for human intimacy may take therapy to work through. 3) It sounds to me that you're doing what many of us, including me, have done: you're basing your sense of self-worth on outward approval. 4) What LA said. Master Fire

sassysub15317 -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/7/2007 8:05:55 AM)
A wise person once told me, "You cannot love another until you love yourself." You state that you are comfortable with being independant and lonely, yet you feel the need to explain yourself to the forums. If you are happy with being isolated and a loner, why do you need to justify that to us? I don't mean that in a nasty way, it was something I noticed and prompted my response. The first thing I would do is simply tell the person you are talking to your feelings. Don't bombard her with everything, but simply tell her what you are looking for and what you want/need/expect from a relationship. If she is on the same page, then you got the green light and let the relatioship progress naturally. Yes, there is a chance of failure, but there is a chance for success. The more open, honest, and the more you communicate to this person, the better you will be. I'm sure you will learn much about yourself and this person. If the feelings continue to blossom, great; if not, well you learned something for next time. As someone that has used the internet to locate her suitors, I understand your overwhelming feelings you get when you see their happy face light up when they come online, the flutters one may get from the [;)] and [:)]. It is a joyous feeling to know that someone is thinking about you and they have all these great ideas and seem to be just like you. However, right now you are only seeing the text on the screen. You have not seen this person, nor have you seen their habits, you don't know if this person is all talk and no action. The internet gives a great deal of anominity (sorry for spelling); anyone can be anyone, anytime. I'm not saying any of this is fake, but you just need to be cautious. Take a breather and step back and realize that if this is meant to be, it WILL happen. If its not meant to be, don't force it. Take the experience that you gain and be wiser for the next decision. I also suggest that you take time to start making friends and connecting to your current community. Should this work out, you are going want to shout it to the masses. The same applies for if this doesn't work out, you are going to need a support system to help you get over the heartbreak. Of course, I'm sure the community here is more than willing to listen and help you, too. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on sometimes and sometimes a real one is better than the virtual one. I do wish you the best of luck on this and hope you are one of the ones that can find a match online!

MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/7/2007 8:53:55 AM)
If you have little experience and success building and maintaining family relationships and friendships (regardless of whether you want them or not), you really cannot hope to build and maintain a romantic relationship.

slaveish -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/7/2007 6:14:12 PM)
Fast Reply to the OP Professional therapy. It may seem a flippant answer but I mean it.

BondageTopJere -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/7/2007 11:29:29 PM)
quote: Professional therapy. It may seem a flippant answer but I mean it. Hate to say but its true. I did the "alone and indepenedent" life of monk for far too long before I finally broke down at least one barrier in my own mind thats finally allowing me to go see a therapist. I'm more pissed about the 10 years of time I've lost trying to work this on my own than anything else. I too have many issues making new friends and I've abandoned too many good ones for too little of a reason. Humans are social animals at heart, being alone emotionally is bout the worst fate any of us can endure short of actual death, and no matter how many times I've tried to justify it to myself, that black emptinesss always seeps around whatever mental block I throw up to stop it.

Evanesce -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/8/2007 8:14:14 AM)
Friday everything was "normal," but on Monday you're agonizing over unrequitted love you didn't even know existed three days prior. My advice to you: Put on the brakes. Over the Internet, people fall in and out of "love/lust" faster than they can say the word. There are more people out there putting themselves through the same agony you're dealing with than you could ever count, and most of them have never even met the people over whom they're obsessing - and never will. And with this girl, there are so many things in your post that say you know she's not going to be the right girl for you, yet you want to hold on to the ideal and the fantasy you've built around her. Before you can find what you want and deserve, you first must know what that is. You don't know that yet, and you're not giving yourself a fair chance to find it. Give it time. Learn who you are.

LuciusAestus -> RE: Newly started relationship problems (5/8/2007 2:50:30 PM)
Evanesce: You got a good point, I'm taking it way too fast. But due to my earlier emotional repression, I'm now hypersensitive to them. I expected this to happen though, so I got no excuses. I will not believe you if you say that you're sure this can't be the right girl for me, but I will be careful before I blindly think she is, doing otherwise was foolish and careless for me. And I do not believe in defining what I want before I look for it. I prefer to walk the road with the road itself in mind, not what's on the end of, and I hope you don't expect to be able to change that way of thinking =P slaveish & BondageTopJere: Yes, I have many times considered the possibility, but I don't trust shrinks that much. But that's another thing I don't care to talk about. I'll do fine without one for a while, but later I'll probably see if anyone are willing to sort out the mess that is my head. MsSonnetMarwood: Is that so? You wouldn't happen to be able to provide me with reference to the research that has actually proved this? Because that is a very bold statement if you do not have anything to back it up as a fact. Thanks to everyone for their responses, even to those I didn't respond directly to, though I liked some of your advices better than others. Though internet counselling isn't always the best way to go, you've been of great help. And if anyone would care for an update: I did talk to her aabout it for a bit, but much more lightly. I've learned that she doesn't exactly love me, but she "cares about me deeply", that was her own words. I told her I felt the same way, but there's a possibility that I could start feeling love for her. And I learned that there's a possibility for the love to be returned, sometime in the future. Basically I'll just take this slower and hope for the best in the future. And I'll stop making my physical conditions get to my head, I'm willing to bet that it's really what has been causing me most pain. So if you support my cause, give me a cheer if I choose to make this the girl of my life, or give me a pat on the back if I don't.

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