RE: Motivations of Submission (and a personal ramble)

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RE: Motivations of Submission (and a personal ramble) - 5/3/2007 12:32:23 PM

GeekyGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

quote:

That is why people should find dynamics that suit both people... so everyone gets what they want!

Actually, mist, this quote hit it on the head. It was my whole point. For any relationship to work, both parties need to be getting something out of it.

julia, you said it yourself, "being submissive does not preclude me having my heart's desires, it just means that what I desire is to be submissive to Daddy, and that I have to learn to structure my wants within the boundaries that he has drawn for us."

Again, exactly my point. In order for your Daddy to dominate, you must structure your wants within the boundaries he establishes. What I was saying to geeky is that I didn't see anything in her list of needs that indicated she had an interest in getting her needs filled within the structure a Dominant might set up.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

It's interesting actually...what I say I want and what makes me happy might be two different things. The one dominant who actually fulfilled me is very much into "getting what he wants because it pleases him" . In fact he demands it. He is very selfish in his way and expects to get what he wants, when he wants, with no arguments. He's arguably the most dominant person I know. But when I was with him, he did all that while at the same time making it very clear that nothing he ever made me do would injure me and that no matter how sadistic something seemed, it ultimately was in my best interest.

That said, despite being "my favorite dom" and the "guy who always wants the best for me", I often also call him a "selfish asshole" in my mind . He walks the fine line between the two in a way that's hard to understand. And something about that makes me go weak in the knees around him.

I don't want a "submissive" dominant. You're right. They would bore me. I want him to be truly dominant but also to truly have my best interest at heart. I want to know that nothing he ever did would be something that would emotionally or physically *injure* me (he can HURT me..that's not the same thing.)

Am I making any sense?

As for what I'd be willing to give him, basically he can have everything except for the things which are "mine." That would be my home, my career, my family, my close friends, and my pets. Oh and throw monogamy in there..That's something I won't give up.

I'm actually willing to do almost anything he asks if he approaches me the right way. The key is that I have to believe he's not being a jerk. Take the original weight loss example. "Lose 20lbs cause I'm dom and I said so" won't work with me. I get my feelings hurt EXTREMELY easy and I would feel hurt, rejected, etc ("daddy is rejecting me again" type of thing). If he came at me a different way, in a loving and helpful way, I would react differently.

A dominant that's with me can get me to do anything he says...but he has to understand my fragile psyche. I'm notoriouisly bad about crying spells, hurt feelings, depression problems etc, and a dominant that can handle me has to know how to deal with those issues.

< Message edited by GeekyGirl -- 5/3/2007 12:33:44 PM >

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

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RE: Motivations of Submission (and a personal ramble) - 5/3/2007 5:45:02 PM

opensoul

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GeekyGirl, I read you post and many others you have written, I do believe you are not selfish, but just as I was looking for that one person, or Dom to realize how much you have to give to that person who will take it and use it and you wisely and not just for their own needs! I understand, I was used on the vanilla side ,unhappy ,and looking!! Strong outspoken and would stand toe to toe with anyone who did not meet the standards I had set! I was in the military for 20 years, go figure ,
My father was a cop and cold. I did as you are doing,but it took me 3 years and finally looking not for the normal lifestyle,but for what i wanted and needed . To have someone strong, to have them stand toe to toe with me and take what I wanted to give ,but had stopped giving because all the ones before were not that strong or as you and many others say wannabas.
Being submissive or slave, we have to be strong, because we look for and wait till the right one comes and then we give over ourselves to them completely ! So looking for why is great, it opens your eyes to your truth and opens the door for the one for you. IMO

< Message edited by opensoul -- 5/3/2007 5:47:51 PM >

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RE: Motivations of Submission (and a personal ramble) - 5/3/2007 6:06:56 PM

spanklette

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While I still attribute my submissiveness to my own selfish nature.

Self-awareness does not equal selfishness. Just because you know what you seek and won't settle doesn't make one selfish.

That's just an added thought after I've read through some of the other posts.

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~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

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RE: Motivations of Submission (and a personal ramble) - 5/3/2007 7:05:59 PM

opensoul

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Great point!!!

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RE: Motivations of Submission (and a personal ramble) - 5/5/2007 9:38:46 AM

SirDominic

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quote:

I want him to be truly dominant but also to truly have my best interest at heart. I want to know that nothing he ever did would be something that would emotionally or physically *injure* me (he can HURT me..that's not the same thing.)

geeky, this and the rest of your reply show me you do understand both what you need, and how you would fit into that relationship. There is not that much wrong with a selfish Dominant if he knows that what he is doing has your best interests at heart. With the addition that his actions prove to your satisfaction that he is being truthful about that.

Your approach/avoidence reaction to him sounds like he is the closest you have come to finding what you are searching for. If the possibility is still available, I recommend pursuing this relationship further with him.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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RE: Motivations of Submission (and a personal ramble) - 5/5/2007 10:16:31 AM

LeatherBentOne

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I always ask a submissive why she thinks she is so. In fact, thats often my first question as I desire a sub to be an independent thinker and have some degree of self-awareness. It also helps her to define her needs and also helps me differentiate them from her wants as Ive seen it takes quite a few submissives quite a while to distinguish them on their own. Id think its very difficult for her to define her needs if she's not aware of her motivations behind them, and even more difficult to distinguish them from her wants which is nothing more than instant gratifications. Dont get me wrong, my submissives sometimes get what they want but I try my best to always give them what they need. But, not until they know the difference between the two.

How can one know what they need if they dont know what motivates them? If that were the case, how can one be satisfied, other than something makes them feel good. Lots of things feel good but are they all good for us? Are they in our best interests based on our needs? Or, what we hope to achieve by them thru our motivation to succeed? And how long can one follow any path without knowing what motivates them to keep going?

Just a few questions that come to mind.

LBO

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RE: Motivations of Submission (and a personal ramble) - 5/5/2007 10:25:03 AM

LeatherBentOne

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"That said, despite being "my favorite dom" and the "guy who always wants the best for me", I often also call him a "selfish asshole" in my mind . He walks the fine line between the two in a way that's hard to understand. And something about that makes me go weak in the knees around him."

You are attracted to him because he reminds you that, "its not about you but his pleasure." And the fact that you dont understand how he walks the fine line adds to the mystique. Thats what the magic is all about. Darling, why fight it?

LBO

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RE: Motivations of Submission (and a personal ramble) - 5/5/2007 1:44:42 PM

GeekyGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

quote:

I want him to be truly dominant but also to truly have my best interest at heart. I want to know that nothing he ever did would be something that would emotionally or physically *injure* me (he can HURT me..that's not the same thing.)

geeky, this and the rest of your reply show me you do understand both what you need, and how you would fit into that relationship. There is not that much wrong with a selfish Dominant if he knows that what he is doing has your best interests at heart. With the addition that his actions prove to your satisfaction that he is being truthful about that.

Your approach/avoidence reaction to him sounds like he is the closest you have come to finding what you are searching for. If the possibility is still available, I recommend pursuing this relationship further with him.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

Unfortunately, at this point he's on the other side of the country and neither of us can relocate. We've talked about it and he's less tied to his area than I am (my house is paid for and my job has a retirement plan, whereas his doesn't and he lives in an apt.) He's been saying for years that he wants to move "somewhere in the south" but it hasn't happened yet...if it ever did, I'm sure we'd be tempted to rekindle things. I did recently go spend a week with him to get some needs met and such and that's part of why I've been in such an introspective mood.

We've both agreed that if we lived closer we'd try to have a relationship again...unfortunately in addition to the distance there is a road block or two (like the fact that he wants poly and the fact that he feels he may someday want UMs.) He's willing to come see me for short periods of time but is honest about not being interested in getting into a LDR with me. My needs are too visceral to be satisfied by cyber and phone play (and likewise for him.)

I just keep hoping that somewhere there's someone local who has a similiar personality :(

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

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RE: Motivations of Submission (and a personal ramble) - 5/6/2007 8:10:27 AM

SirDominic

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Unfortunately, at this point he's on the other side of the country and neither of us can relocate.

Isn't that always the way! Still, I believe you do know what you need and are looking for. Finding that right person is almost always a slow, agonizing process. Hang in there. The right one will come along.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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RE: Motivations of Submission (and a personal ramble) - 5/6/2007 10:36:37 AM

ICGsteve

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In the beginning no one is going to understand why they are drawn to BDSM, or after they have done it a bit why they like it so. However hopefully this is a process that generates self awareness. Hopefully after awhile we have some clue what is going on with us. Absent any desire to use BDSM practice for self awareness it is only a pleasure seeking activity, which will never satisfy us for very long. If we are nothing but libertines then we must continually push for increasing stimulation, which can only have as its result the destruction of the mind and/or the body.

As a Dom I would not mind having a sub that was just starting out and had no idea what they were doing other than getting kicks. However, if BDSM did not become a partly spiritual experience after not too long I would cut the sub loose. I have no desire to be party to a destructive or even a unproductive relationship.

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