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Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 10:11:03 AM

NakedGirlScout

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I'm struggling with a frightening and confusing problem, and I'd appreciate any serious insights.

I have a real-life friend who a few years ago went through a terrible crisis that resulted in severe suicidal depression. She has pushed away everyone in real life who had known her and I was the last person she was speaking to. A couple of months ago she told me to no longer contact her and blocked my mail and won't answer her phone. I gave her the privacy she demanded after trying several times to contact her without success. I discovered that anyone trying to check whether she's ok results in her flying into a demented state and hurting herself, so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place in doing what a friend should do.

We are no longer local to one another, so I only have phone and internet to contact her anymore. She's been posting on Collarme and in her Blog, so I used to know that she was ok by visiting her profile. She was in the habit of logging on every single day for over a year, so I knew she was alive at least.

Two weeks ago she suddenly quit logging on or blogging. This is extremely atypical behavior, and she had been writing suicidal posts in her blog before that (however this was typical for her all along without any physical suicide attempts). It may be that her internet has been disconnected because she'd been having severe financial problems, or it may be that... this is where my mind goes crazy with horrific possibilities.

I've been wrestling with doing nothing, or calling police in her city to go and check whether she's still alive; because she doesn't work or see anyone or talk to anyone, this person could be dead for weeks and no one would think to find her. On the other hand if she is ok she will not be understanding of my actions as being out of concern for her; I know this because I asked one of her (former) local friends to knock at her door last year when she disappeared for a week, and she lost what little composure she had over it and was even more suicidal for days.

What can I do??? Can I put someone who was a dear loved friend out of my mind completely even if she's in danger? Or should I try to do something even if it infuriates her and wrecks any further possibility of her ever talking to me in the future? My master says I should leave her be, but I'm having trouble morally justifying doing it, as well as getting rid of images in my imagination of various horrific visions of what could have happened to her.

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 10:14:04 AM

cjenny

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NGS, do you have someone there that can check on her? A mutual friend or old coworker? Or maybe someone in her family?

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 10:15:53 AM

KatyLied

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It sounds to me like you would benefit from talking to someone at a crisis hotline about this situation. You are very much wrapped up in the life of someone who has communicated to you that does not want contact.

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 10:17:10 AM

juliaoceania

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You are a good friend to remain so concerned for someone that has tried everything to disconnect from everyone.

I would call a suicide hotline or search for a site that can give you advice how to proceed with this. They will have better ideas of how to deal with specific situations like you have related here, and you can answer questions that they will deem necessary to advise you. Good luck

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 10:18:45 AM

NakedGirlScout

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1. No, she has nobody local to her that she is on speaking terms with, and I don't know the contact information for any of her family, who are also all not local to her.

2. I have frequently spoken to crisis hotlines about this situation. They listen very well, but they have no advice except "do what you think is best". I am looking for advice. If I weren't the last person she was speaking to, I'd happily leave it all to somebody else, but there is nobody else.

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 10:19:34 AM

KatyLied

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I don't know how far reaching crisis hotlines are, but they should be able to counsel you and/or run with the situation, if they are able to. I also think it's the best avenue and the most immediate thing you can do.

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 10:24:44 AM

cjenny

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Okay have you tried to call her on a phone that she won't recognise?
If you haven't anyone that can actually check on her (and you sound awfully worried

) go ahead and call the police. Just explain that you've not been able to contact her and would like a driveby or a check.
I sure hope this gets resolved, worrying about someone you love can be so hard. You are in my thoughts.

_____________________________

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 10:27:58 AM

selfbnd411

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This is not something you call 911 for--911 is for known emergencies that require attention this very second. Just call the local police and ask them to check in on her. It's called a welfare check, and they do it all the time. After that, I'm sorry...I would write her off, but you have to decide for yourself whether this person is worth the cost in time and worry you're investing.

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 10:49:44 AM

CuriousLord

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I grew up using the net. I was close friends with numerous adolscent girls online (my own age) back not too many years ago. Suicide threats weren't uncommon.
I never did find a great way to deal with it. It was always situation to situation, acknowledging that, in the end, I couldn't make everything right, and that I had to pick the best path.

Ironically enough, not that I would recommend this in all cases, guilt trips worked great for me. It gave them a feeling like they're connected- which is a powerful factor against suicide- to the people their death would hurt. Plus it, well, would make them feel even more guilty about the act itself. :P
I'm alive, today, becaue of a guilt trip. Seeing my mom cry at the thought of losing me. I can't tell you how many times since then I longed to die. (Thankfully, this isn't the case anymore. Just some bad years back then.) But, in the end, I could never do that to my mother. I value her happiness more than my own life. Much more, really. It made the act of suicide go from simply costing my life to costing something far more precious to me.

So, yeah, I'm all for letting potientially sucidial individuals understand the consquences of their actions.

Oh, yes, I had a suicidial long distance slave (she's more towards my home, I'm off in another town's university). She'd cyber-cheated on me and I had scolded her for it. She.. took it rather hard. Her damn parential unit leaves guns around the house with plenty of ammo. In the end, I had to stay on the phone with her all night until they got back, the threat of telling her parents everything about her lifestyle with photos to boot keeping her from doing it. Her life may've sucked to her at that point, but she wasn't willing to spend a moment of her existence knowing that they would be so ashamed of her. I'm not proud of the threat, but I'd make it again and again if it meant saving a life each time- even hers.

Anyhow, long rant short, it's not an easy situation. The clean, moral answer is to neglect your friend, since it's her responsibility not to kill herself. Doing that may result in having one less friend. Acknowledging and embracing someone in such a morbid state can be damaging and infecteous- hence why it's moral to avoid people in angst.

Suicide's a hard decision to make. Easy to claim to have made, but hard to actually make. The state of mind it puts one in is truly interesting yet morbid enough to stave off most speculators. In any case, being there and bugging her, reminding of her life and obligations, may help.
This subject's one of the few things in life that I have little formal instruction on but a lot of experience with. So, I can't speak for what works for others, according to the book, but above's some things I've seen before.

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 10:50:56 AM

NakedGirlScout

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Wow OMG this person is not an "investment"... there is no payoff... she may never be able to be a friend again... I am not doing this for myself at all... this is a human being in trouble who is absolutely alone. Please, I don't want to hear any more accounting terms for the value of human souls, I am upset enough as it is.

(in reply to selfbnd411)

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 10:52:07 AM

KatyLied

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quote:

Please, I don't want to hear any more accounting terms for the value of human souls, I am upset enough as it is.

Understandable, and one reason why I urge you to find someone to talk to for yourself.

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 11:00:15 AM

Devilslilsister

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Well........ i'm always a firm believer in stepping into the fire for a loved on. Its created problems in the past for me, but whatever, its some one i love and i dont sit idly by. If it was some one i loved, i would probably drive my ass to their house and knock on the door. If they dont like it - screw em. All i'd need to do was see a face and i'd be on my way. If they got hostile and became "more suicidal" i would pleasantly inform them that a visit to the pysche ward could fix that. OR i'd be a turkey and camp outside of their damn door. Let them call the cops!

Luckily for the human population i dont love that many people.

As an outside bystander, if your friend disapeared 2 weeks ago....... and your friend actually did something...... there is nothing you can do about it now. Its over and done with.

You could always find some one YOU know that lives in her area and have them go knock on the door. Make sure they have a picture.... make sure they see a face.....no need for conversation

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 11:01:56 AM

CuriousLord

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Sorry, I didn't answer very well.. skipped too much.. under the gun for that stupid paper and I really sholdn't be here right now.

I'd suggest calling the suicide hotline. They're there, for people who know people, too. They may have some answers for you. It's a free call, and they'll probably be happy to hear from someone else who's also concerned about another human being enough to make the effort.

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 1:10:33 PM

sambamanslilgirl

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i was in the same shoes as you about 3 yrs ago. a good friend of mine in the UK was suicidal that he pushed away his children, alienated his co-workers and pissed off his boss ...he took a turn for the worse before Thanksgiving one year to announce he was ending it all - i knew he would so i called the police (expensive international call but worth it) to make sure he was okay - i wrestled with that decision for hours since there's a 6hr difference between here and there. he was ...yet he did take another turn for the worse and almost succeeded driving his car in front of a lorry (truck) ...luckily a doctor on the same stretch of road was able to save his life ...unluckily i could have stopped him (since he sent me emails stating his intentions) but wasn't home to answer his emails and phone call. i'm happy he's alive and doing well as i can hope yet there are times when i look back on Jan 12th 2004 - i blame myself for not doing more.

my advice is to follow that one suggestion - have the police do a wellness check ...call and leave a message on her phone (home and/or mobile) ...let her know that you still care and if she ever needs a shoulder and ear you'll be there to listen

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 2:39:33 PM

sub4hire

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Call tice or fire department and have them go check on her. If she is truly your friend she would undersand your concern.
If it goes bad, she will forgive you later on.

Sounds like she needs a lot of help, hope she gets it.

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 3:38:08 PM

cyberdude611

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Call the police department or the sheriff. They will do a check and then decide if social services are needed.

In some states, there is a law that if someone is suicidal, the police have to take them to a mental health facility.

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 4:45:27 PM

MstrssPassion

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I knew a people such as this in my life.

One was a girlfriend that I had known since High School. She had attempted suicide a number of times. Pills several time--each time she got her stomach pumped & spent a few days (up to two weeks) at the hospital... I was the one that drove her to the hospital multiple times & the one who begged these professionals to check here into some kind of long term care. Each time I was told that only a family member could do this. Her family were wackos & basically told her that only Jesus would save her blah blah blah & refused to do anything.

So the cycle went on, she would OD & call me in the middle of the night... one night I finally told her to just go ahead & die. If that is what you want so much then just lay down, go to sleep & die but before you do, what dress do you want me to make sure your buried in?

She didn't say a thing & after a few minutes I said well I gotta go to work in the morning.... good night. Apparently that was enough because she finally got the help she needed. She hated me for a few years but finally came back & told me that this lack of reaction on my part got her to seek out help because I no longer supported her in her manipulations to gain negative attention.

Sometimes you just gotta go with the tough love thing. You can't save someone from themselves & often by continue to "be there" for them you are enabling them to continue with the negative activities.

I like what selfbnd said... call in the local police & have them do a welfare check. If you hear from her again.... don't respond, simply call the police, they will eventually get tired of the calls & possibly take further action.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 5/1/2007 4:46:34 PM >

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MstrssPassion

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 4:57:29 PM

gypsygrl

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I was in a similar situation when my ex-husband attempted suicide a couple years ago. The suicide crisis hotlines weren't much help (sorry) but, the cops did check out the house. Your friend doesn't have to know it was you who called. I wouldn't call 911, just call the local police department number if there's nobody else in the town you can call.

I really feel for you. Sometimes we just have to do what we can with what we have.

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 6:03:39 PM

minnetar

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quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

I was in a similar situation when my ex-husband attempted suicide a couple years ago. The suicide crisis hotlines weren't much help (sorry) but, the cops did check out the house. Your friend doesn't have to know it was you who called. I wouldn't call 911, just call the local police department number if there's nobody else in the town you can call.

I really feel for you. Sometimes we just have to do what we can with what we have.

i agree completely. This is the best way to handle a depressed friend. You would rather be safe than feel like in some way you could have done something.

minnetar

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RE: Suicidal friend online - call 911 or not? - 5/1/2007 6:32:59 PM

velvetears

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout

I discovered that anyone trying to check whether she's ok results in her flying into a demented state and hurting herself, so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place in doing what a friend should do.
You could run the risk, if she's getting her life together to give her a set back if you intervene, sounds like she's very unbalanced and wouldn't need to much to send her over the edge. It's a hard call to make.

We are no longer local to one another, so I only have phone and internet to contact her anymore. She's been posting on Collarme and in her Blog, so I used to know that she was ok by visiting her profile. She was in the habit of logging on every single day for over a year, so I knew she was alive at least.
If she's been blogging have you read her entries - that can tell you something about her state of mind.

I've been wrestling with doing nothing, or calling police in her city to go and check whether she's still alive; because she doesn't work or see anyone or talk to anyone, this person could be dead for weeks and no one would think to find her. On the other hand if she is ok she will not be understanding of my actions as being out of concern for her; I know this because I asked one of her (former) local friends to knock at her door last year when she disappeared for a week, and she lost what little composure she had over it and was even more suicidal for days.
Seems she has a pattern of disappearing. If you know she's not going to respond well to your checking up on her then i wouldn't do it. If she's hell bent on killing herself there really is little you can do for her. One visit by a police man, who will just be going through the motions, won't make a lot of difference. They cannot force her into a hospital without someone actually saying they heard her say she was going to kill herself. It is very, very difficult, even for family menbers, to get someone psychiatric help if they don't want it.

What can I do??? Can I put someone who was a dear loved friend out of my mind completely even if she's in danger? Or should I try to do something even if it infuriates her and wrecks any further possibility of her ever talking to me in the future? My master says I should leave her be, but I'm having trouble morally justifying doing it, as well as getting rid of images in my imagination of various horrific visions of what could have happened to her.
There really isn't much you can do. If you lived near her you could intervene by checking on her yourself, but to send a stranger (police) will only make matters worse in my estimation.

i feel for you in the situation you are in, unfortunately there are times where all we can do about a situation is pray. i hope things turn out well, but in the meantime try not to worry - it won't change the situation and will only cause you stress.

Just to add - most of the time people who truly plan on killing themselves never say a word about it. If you really want to die, you're not going to warn others about your intentions, unless of course you want someone to stop you.

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