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Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 9:35:27 AM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline 		A topic came up during a conversation with FirmhandKY that I thought might be interesting to explore here, and I'm interested in other's thoughts. 

I'm often contacted by young doms in their twenties... and while there is some level of feeling flattered, my reaction is typically one of revulsion.  Not that there is anything wrong with the doms; most seem very nice and although it's rare for them to have a photo on their profile, I'm generally not swayed by appearances as I find most men are attractive.

At any rate, what appears to repulse me is a couple of things; on the surface, there's the fact that I have children in their twenties and that seems to be understandable by most.  What is deeper down and a little harder to comprehend is my distaste for being a fetish object.

It's conjecture on my part, I agree, but when I'm contacted by a young dom I can't help but wonder if my age is the reason he's contacting me.  I understand that there are those who are turned on by the thought of being with an older woman, and I suppose that is alright.  But if the primary reason I'm being contacted is because of my age, then I feel as if I'm being used solely to satisfy a fetish. 

While it might seem contradictory to the assumption that submissives want to be objectified and used, this is a little different.  For me, once I'm in a relationship the idea of belonging to him is what I find most attractive... being used or objectified by him reinforces his possession of me.  But I want the initial attraction to be one that is a little more all-encompassing than merely one aspect of me that sexually turns them on.

I would be just as disenchanted if I thought someone was approaching me simply because of some other physical characteristic being a sexual turn-on for them.  If I were obese, for example, and some guy contacted me simply because fat women get him sexually excited.  Or if I had big feet... or was an amputee... or was black.

It goes beyond simply having a feature that is particularly attractive to someone.  FirmhandKY has the most beautiful and striking blue eyes... ones that can make me absolutely melt with desire... but it wasn't his eyes that attracted me nor would I be less sexually excited by him if he were to have plain brown eyes.

So, I suppose for me the relationship is primary.  Sexual excitement and subsequent fulfillment comes from within that relationship, how we feel about each other and what we do... not who we are or what physical characteristics we have.

Do you consider any physical fetish you have to be the primary consideration when looking for a partner?  Would you be satisfied with a partner whose sole reason for contacting you was some physical characteristic that sexually turned them on?


_____________________________

Just because it isn't "all about me", doesn't make it "all about you".
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RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 9:39:44 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		90% of the reason any female under 25 gets contacted on these lists/forums it is partly due to her age.

It's just part of their lives, they can't escape it- you being older get the pleasure of knowing it won't be very likely to happen and the room to question if that's what is going on.  The younger ones pretty much KNOW that's at least part of the attraction and there's no escaping it.

Most people don't want to be just a space filler for anothers kink- doesn't matter whether it's age, hair color, religion, whatever.  We want a relationship that will be meaningful to appreciate who we are as individuals.

I'm ok with being enjoyed as young eye candy- and sometimes for a night I'm ok with being JUST an object of eye candy (but I'm into objectification).  But when it comes to a long term relationship thing, needs to be a lot more there.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to losttreasure)
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RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 11:00:02 AM   
sunfleur


Posts: 75
Joined: 11/13/2005
Status: offline 		generally speaking i'm not attracted to someone 1/2 my age.  ('m 42)  i have at times however met a Dom in his 20's who i found mentally attractive.. meaning, their mind captured mine.       online experiences for me have had the younger set asking me right away if i have a 'thing' for younger guys.   that line turns me off immediately.   it seems to me that the simple lack of experience due to lack of years on the planet dictates behavior which in turn makes takes them out of the running, so to speak.   i hope that makes sense lol

sunfleur

(in reply to losttreasure)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 11:30:14 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		interesting :-)
 
i am contacted by many younger Doms. For me it is flattering.  There is something very affirming about being attractive to younger men and in the vanilla world, most of my dating post divorce was younger men, some significantly younger. i was ostracized by friends for it and endured many snide remarks - particularly from men my age...but my interests matched those of younger men so the experiences were enjoyable. Being used or objectified because of my age? Who knows? It was not like i did not recieve anything from the relationship with these men and their youthful, muscular and active bodies. Infact, i will even go so far as to say - i learned more about enjoyable sex from younger men than i did in 11 years of being married to a slightly older man.
 
quote:

Do you consider any physical fetish you have to be the primary consideration when looking for a partner?  Would you be satisfied with a partner whose sole reason for contacting you was some physical characteristic that sexually turned them on?  

To answer your questions though...no, i don't believe fetishes of any type to be enduring foundation blocks for a long-term relationship but then again since i don't participate in age-play with younger men, i don't consider them a "fetish".

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to losttreasure)
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RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 12:45:37 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I think I get what the OP aiming for on this one.

I get contacted by younger subs rather often.  A lot of times, the first comment is "I really like older women to Dominate me".  Now, if that's not a turn OFF, I don't know what is.  Talk about the wrong way to approach the age difference.  Anybody who's ever started off that way got the immediate turn down.  If they want to focus on the span in years first off, that's exactly how My reply is going to be geared.  It makes it sound like exactly that.  Their kink is the age difference.  There's also that part in there that they tend to think they can learn more from an older Domme (I'm 38) which I can't especially argue with, and won't necessarily agree with, since experience depends on the person in question.

Generally, I do have an age rule, but it's not carved in stone.  It depends a lot on the individual.  If there reason for interest is the "Older Domme" routine, they don't get far.

(in reply to dawntreader)
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RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 1:22:09 PM   
Unrepentant1


Posts: 283
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I think I get what the OP aiming for on this one.

I get contacted by younger subs rather often.  A lot of times, the first comment is "I really like older women to Dominate me".  Now, if that's not a turn OFF, I don't know what is.  Talk about the wrong way to approach the age difference.  Anybody who's ever started off that way got the immediate turn down.  If they want to focus on the span in years first off, that's exactly how My reply is going to be geared.  It makes it sound like exactly that.  Their kink is the age difference.  There's also that part in there that they tend to think they can learn more from an older Domme (I'm 38) which I can't especially argue with, and won't necessarily agree with, since experience depends on the person in question.

Generally, I do have an age rule, but it's not carved in stone.  It depends a lot on the individual.  If there reason for interest is the "Older Domme" routine, they don't get far.




To me age is not an issue either way. I am interested in the Domme and her mind, how she connects with mine and what she enjoys. If we are compatible in those ways, it does not matter to me if she was 20 years older or younger, age is just a number. 

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 3:43:58 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		Well the age thing obviously doesn't apply to me, but I understand the distaste you feel due to someone viewing you as a fetish based on a physical statistic.

For example, I dislike men who message me "Because I really like chunky girls" or "I have a thing for blondes" or "I have a fetish for big tits." I don't want to be seen as just my physical appearance. I want to know he's interested in me as a person, because of all the myriad aspects of my personality, not because I happened to fit into some fantasy he has for a particular physical trait.


_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to Unrepentant1)
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RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 4:04:43 PM   
bignipples2share


Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with dawntreader, the only difference was, my Ex was also younger and enjoyable. My preference is dating younger men. I do have an age range though. I’m obviously not going to connect with a younger man who isn’t open to a relationship with someone who is older. I also don’t engage in age-play and don’t see this as a fetish either.

I don’t mind being approached on the basis of a fetish, however, it’s just a starting point and there are many other areas that we’d both need to connect on.

If my fetish were say…men with cleft chins as a physical attribute (which it isn’t), then I would be more inclined to specifically approach men with cleft chins, yet not ALL men with cleft chins are going to be a match for me. If he also enjoys that there is some female out there who enjoys seeing him jutting his chin forward for the whole world to see, well then it’s a start to find out more about each other.

~Big

(in reply to losttreasure)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 4:12:46 PM   
petdave


Posts: 2479
Status: offline
quote:



What is deeper down and a little harder to comprehend is my distaste for being a fetish object.


What if their fetish is simply submissive women? In that case, that one aspect of your personality is still being given primacy- they would not be contacting you if you were Dominant, or (ew) vanilla... Is that still offensive? If not, how is it fundamentally different than a fetish for age, hair color, etc.?

...dave

(in reply to losttreasure)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 4:15:38 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Unrepentant1

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I think I get what the OP aiming for on this one.

I get contacted by younger subs rather often.  A lot of times, the first comment is "I really like older women to Dominate me".  Now, if that's not a turn OFF, I don't know what is.  Talk about the wrong way to approach the age difference.  Anybody who's ever started off that way got the immediate turn down.  If they want to focus on the span in years first off, that's exactly how My reply is going to be geared.  It makes it sound like exactly that.  Their kink is the age difference.  There's also that part in there that they tend to think they can learn more from an older Domme (I'm 38) which I can't especially argue with, and won't necessarily agree with, since experience depends on the person in question.

Generally, I do have an age rule, but it's not carved in stone.  It depends a lot on the individual.  If their reason for interest is the "Older Domme" routine, they don't get far.




To me age is not an issue either way. I am interested in the Domme and her mind, how she connects with mine and what she enjoys. If we are compatible in those ways, it does not matter to me if she was 20 years older or younger, age is just a number. 


In your reply, you almost give Me point validation.  The difference in it is that the age doesn't matter to you, so it's not your first topic upon contact (as W/we know).  Making the distinction stand out, is where the mistake lies.
 

(in reply to Unrepentant1)
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RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 4:17:57 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

quote:



What is deeper down and a little harder to comprehend is my distaste for being a fetish object.


What if their fetish is simply submissive women? In that case, that one aspect of your personality is still being given primacy- they would not be contacting you if you were Dominant, or (ew) vanilla... Is that still offensive? If not, how is it fundamentally different than a fetish for age, hair color, etc.?

...dave



I would think, until she gets "submissive woman" tattooed on her forehead, that would be something that One would have to get to know her a bit for.   In the OP, she discussed age as a physical characteristic, rather than an inner trait.
 
edited to be a little less of a bitch.... but not fully *wink*

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 4/26/2007 4:20:39 PM >

(in reply to petdave)
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RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 4:51:39 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

If not, how is it fundamentally different than a fetish for age, hair color, etc.?

...dave



Because one is a physical trait and one is an emotional/personality trait. Big difference.




_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to petdave)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 5:44:38 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Well first off, not all subs want to be objectified. But you may be wrong with them contacting you because they have a Mrs. Robinson fetish. They are more likely contacting every sub in the area regardless of age, color, creed or religion. They also may assume that because you're older you are more experienced and therefore they can move into edge play immediately.

But no, I don't get off on men whom I meet who could describe what cup size I wear but can't identify my eye color. I want to be wanted for me, my inner self, insecurities, warts and all.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 6:16:04 PM   
Elorin


Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure
What is deeper down and a little harder to comprehend is my distaste for being a fetish object.

The very thing that leads some dominant women to start professional domination. If they are going to be treated like a fetish object (nothing but a life support system for flogger, paddle, rope, or feet) they are willing to get paid for it.

quote:

Do you consider any physical fetish you have to be the primary consideration when looking for a partner? 

No, but I will admit to a weakness for women with lots of shoes and boots...

quote:

Would you be satisfied with a partner whose sole reason for contacting you was some physical characteristic that sexually turned them on?

I would be satisfied if their ~initial~ reason for contacting me was due to, for instance, my long hair. However, further conversation will establish if they are willign to get to know me and establish more to the relationship. If the entire time they knew me their ONLY interest was my hair, I would not be happy. But I wouldn't mind if my hair was what got their attention, and happens to be a turn on, if they are also intelligent and charismatic and interested in learning about who I am as a person and establishing more of a connection.

(in reply to losttreasure)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 6:39:50 PM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline 		Some very interesting thoughts presented.  I suppose to some degree, how I feel about a particular aspect is going to have a bearing.  I expect a man to be turned on by a fit body or a "sexy" demeanor; the idea that I might be approached by someone who felt I possessed those characteristics is acceptable to me.  Of course, as LA points out, when it comes to a long term relationship thing, there needs to be a lot more.

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

What if their fetish is simply submissive women? In that case, that one aspect of your personality is still being given primacy- they would not be contacting you if you were Dominant, or (ew) vanilla... Is that still offensive? If not, how is it fundamentally different than a fetish for age, hair color, etc.?


GeekyGirl is right on one side... because one is a personality trait and the other a physical characteristic.  However, as I've admitted above, I do guess there are some physical aspects that I find acceptable. 

The other part of the answer to your question is that I don't display my submissiveness to everyone.  A man would have to spend time with me and get to know me before I felt comfortable enough to be submissive to him.  And even then it would only be surface submission unless and until such time that the relationship developed to the right level.  You do have a point, however; I've advertised myself as submissive and I guess that by doing so I've accepted the idea of being approached by someone whose primary interest would be finding a submissive to satisfy his fetish.  But on the whole, it would never get to that point of being satisfied if it were the only attraction to me.


_____________________________

Just because it isn't "all about me", doesn't make it "all about you".

(in reply to Elorin)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 7:23:20 PM   
petdave


Posts: 2479
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I would think, until she gets "submissive woman" tattooed on her forehead, that would be something that One would have to get to know her a bit for.   In the OP, she discussed age as a physical characteristic, rather than an inner trait.

edited to be a little less of a bitch.... but not fully *wink*


Or unless, say, she had a profile on a social networking website that mentioned she was submissive, and was contacted through there. Not that i know of any websites like that, or the OP was talking about one, or anything.
(shoulda gone bitchy... makes the zingers more satisfying!)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

Because one is a physical trait and one is an emotional/personality trait. Big difference.


Why, because physical traits are more subject to change than personality traits? Do you really take physical attraction for granted to such a degree that "Mr. Right" isn't even supposed to notice what you look like? Again, we're talking about initial contact here... why not start out a potential relationship with "an ace in the hole", so to speak?

Genuinely curious here... i've always thought it would be kinda cool to be the object of someone's desire for physical or fetishistic reasons, so the immensely hostile reactions that women have to that never really make sense to me

...dave

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 7:36:08 PM   
Elorin


Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave
Why, because physical traits are more subject to change than personality traits? Do you really take physical attraction for granted to such a degree that "Mr. Right" isn't even supposed to notice what you look like? Again, we're talking about initial contact here... why not start out a potential relationship with "an ace in the hole", so to speak?

Genuinely curious here... i've always thought it would be kinda cool to be the object of someone's desire for physical or fetishistic reasons, so the immensely hostile reactions that women have to that never really make sense to me


Being the object of someone's desire is great. Being the object of someone's fetish is ok too...as long as the person realizes you are more than just the object of the fetish.

I had a friend with a balloon fetish who was also a submissive.  When I showed curiosity about the balloon fetish, he talked to me about it and I found it intriguing. I was more than happy to do a photo shoot with balloons and share with him. However, when EVERY conversation I had with him consisted of NOTHING but "Have you played with any balloons lately? How did you blow them up? Have you seen any out at restaurants? Did you pop the balloons at the restaurant? Why not? Did it turn you on when you blew up a balloon?" it became nauseating. He didn't care who I was, how I was, or anything but the fact that I was at one point willing to discuss his fetish with him. I had become nothing to him but a life support system for his personal sexual fantasy.

I could ask how his day was, try to talk about my day, bring up other topics...and I would get one word responses immediately followed by another balloon fetish story, question, or link.

I finally refused to talk to him about balloons. I let him know exactly how he was objectifying me, and that I did not consent to being objectified by him. He had the choice of treating me like a human being with more depth than a piece of inflated latex, or losing my conversation. Thankfully, I can say that he saw my point and began talking to me about other things. We are still friends, and we still occasionally talk about his fetish and my interaction with balloons, but we don't discuss it in EVERY conversation.

~E

(in reply to petdave)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 8:00:35 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		I am not sure if this is what the OP is looking for..but here goes anyway..When  in search of a Dominant,the person who I first met was Dominant..however I still had to know what he was besides Dominant..I had to know him,his thoughts ideas,viewpoints etc.and if found thus compatible then a match is made...Now with that said, men who seek submissives and do not care who that person is underneath, as long as she is a submissive and that was their criteria..I think it would make anyone feel that any susiesub will do, or even susie blow up and whip me doll would do as well....know me as a person who is submissive not as only submissive...Tempting

(in reply to Elorin)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 10:14:48 PM   
OedipusRexIt


Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline 		... this thread is a fascinating read for a male Dom...  interesting similarities in unexpected areas to some of my experiences.

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Fetishes and Search Criteria... - 4/26/2007 10:55:10 PM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt

... this thread is a fascinating read for a male Dom...  interesting similarities in unexpected areas to some of my experiences.


No fair!  You can't just say that and nothing more. 


_____________________________

Just because it isn't "all about me", doesn't make it "all about you".

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 20
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