from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (Full Version)

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newlytaken07 -> from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 10:27:16 AM)

First time poster, long time lurker under a different nic ... please be kind :)

A brief background: I am reasonably new to D/s (about 2 years) and have been with Sir for about a year and a half. Until recently we were in a long distance relationship, travelling by plane about every 2 weeks to see each other on weekends, occasionally for longer. We have both been single in terms of anything serious for about 10 years and have both been living alone for much of that time.

We now live together. He moved to me about 2 months ago. The reason he moved to me? My career is harder to move than his and I earn more money (There are other reasons, but that's the crux of it.)

The problem? Since he moved here, our relationship has been almost devoid of any D/s. There has been no play at all, but more importantly, no (or very little) power exchange. I know I am missing it and I think he is too. We have acknowledged the problem and have plans to discuss it soon. I wanted some input from you lovely people to help clarify my own feelings before we do.

When we were long distance, we obviously played a lot when we saw each other ... as well as that, weekends were almost 24/7 D/s whether we were playing or not. When we were apart we maintained the D/s dynamic really well with things like tasks and negotiated power over specific aspects of my life such as sleep and exercise.

I am not sure what we expected, but I'm not sure we expected this. We are struggling with moving from lovely romantic D/s weekends to complete domesticity and we seem to be losing our D/s selves in the process.

I have more power in the relationship at the moment through pure circumstance and we both acknowledge this but I don't think either of us like it. He has moved to my house, my city, my friends and family. I feel a great deal of responsibility in showing him both little things (example: how to use the dishwasher) and the bigger things (example: financial, transport, introducing him to friends etc.)

When we were together for weekends only, I served him all weekend ... I cooked, cleaned etc etc, and did it happily. We did discuss that this would not be possible or practical once we started living together (we now share household duties) but this little piece of my service to him is gone. Don't get me wrong ... I don't want to do everything round the house, but I am unsure how to replace this sense of service.

Truth be known, the little prompts which have maintained our D/s dynamic have mostly come from me and my submission in the past. I am losing my submission in the mire of everyday life and I need help.

I realise I have not actually posted a question here .. I seek input please. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.



SimplyMichael -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 10:38:53 AM)

This is easier than you think.

He is feeling powerless in YOUR home.  Give him permission, preferably by begging (again let him take power) to change the house and DEAL WITH IT.  Money is harder and it WILL kill you two if you are not careful.  Perhaps make a budget where (just an example) you each get your own budget but the fun money is perhaps shared 60/40 or 70/30 and HE gets control of that money.  Not the household money, just make that automatic withdrawel.  Find ways to give him control, not the shallow, "spank me sir" end but on major things like who gets what closets. 

Also, rather than seeing the 24/7 as empty, make it a feature and set aside weekends for the heavy D/s.  Create rituals so that anticpation is built up.

Most importantly is to allow your fears to be revealed in a non threatening way.  There is a vast difference between "you are not dominating me enough" as opposed to "I crave more dominance from you, make me yours whenever you want".

Remember too, this man gave up everything to be with you and has no friends, not career, little sense of self worth or at least not much to hang it on.  Hell, go rent a hotel room and do it there first and slowly add it in.  Don't look at is not there, look at as a skill or getting in shape, you start small and grow it.  Moving from hot weekends to 24/7 is a MASSIVE shift and is a completely different thing as you are finding out. 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 10:39:04 AM)

It can indeed be very hard to going from having essentially kinky vacations whenever you are together, to having normal life all the time when you are together and not sure how to mix the two.

What exactly do you want?  Define that.  What specific actions make you feel as if things are going right?  How often do you think you'd want to play normally?  How often do you go out of the house during the week or weekends?

Did you spend most of your time before now just online hanging out with eachother there?

And then, he has to do the same thing- defined what those elements are for him, what he envisions as his ideal, what behaviors he wants in you and all that.

Talking will be good- then agree on a course of trial action.  See how that goes, talk more and make adjustments accordingly.

And get busy out of the house together.



newlytaken07 -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 11:03:52 AM)

Thank you Michael, that is very helpful ... You are so right in saying he is feeling powerless in my home and I need to work out ways to address that. The money thing? That is at least one area where we are almost getting it right .... he has control over my spending on 'extras' ... the daily household budget is my domain, but he sets the budget for that. There is room for improvement though .. i can see ways in which he take more power over finances ... and he is SO much better at it than me!



elderrook -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 11:04:10 AM)

I'd also suggest you adopt some formal protocols that keep the power exchange alive at all times. I can't tell you how much this has helped me keep the proper frame of mind, and in turn, made Mistress much more happy and in tune with me.

Robert Rubel has written some good books on Protocols.

Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave: Theory and Practice
Protocols: Handbook for the female slave
Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice

Each is useful in it's own way. Take a look at one of them and see if you can add Protocols to your lifestyle. I'm pretty sure you'll be glad you did. :)



mystiquenz -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 11:04:56 AM)

Greetings newlytaken07,

I hope that your discussion with your Sir goes well. 

I can imagine that it would be difficult, especially in your situation.  But equally if you moved to where your Sir was, i dear say, there would have been a new set of challenges for you.

I cannot offer any REAL practical advice, but what I am feeling, is that give it time, and be patient, and let the settling down period "settle".  Maybe you and your Sir need to allocate time for the D/s routines, or maybe he needs to be more settled and organised in His life a little bit more than what he currently is, so that he can direct your attentions.  Maybe he is overwhelmed by the move. 

You said in your original post, he has moved to your home, your family, your friends etc ... maybe to help you along with your situation, have a think about the following, are you "my" orientated, and can you easily change "my" to "our"?  Is this the relationship that you really want is he the one you really want?  Are you verging on "you don't know"?  I would suggest if you cannot change "my" to "our" then, He should go home.  Or do you want to to learn to share your toys.  Are you really ready for this sort of commitment?  Is He really ready for this relationship at this time?   

My head tells me that, all D/s or M/s relationships have elements of "vanilla", but the dynamic of the power exchange is usually there in the background. 

Be kind to yourself, i think that you have some honest questioning times coming up.  Having experienced weekend D/s, you do go and play hard, you go to tremendous highs and then try and stablise the lows.  That's the realtiy.  Probably outside of 24/7 the weekend players have more concentrated fun, than the commited 24/7 couples who struggle with finding the delicate balance of their lifestyle and full on living. 

That's my two cents worth!  Good luck to the pair of you ... congratulations for making the 24/7 move and I hope you can work through your issues.  I hope it works out well. 



newlytaken07 -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 11:09:41 AM)

Thanks LA, I have always enjoyed your posts. Great questions, the answers to which I need to think about ... Trial action is a great idea .. I was getting a bit lost in the idea of any decisions being set in stone.



Slavetrainer2007 -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 11:13:37 AM)

ive had the same problem with my sub. We met online had a relationship  online for 2 years and then she moved in with me( though still has to travel to her home country  every few months.) our relationship became vanilla like yours and we both became miserable. I think alot of it was due to it being prolonged online so long. Going to real life is sometimes hard, if you have had a online relationship for a while, for many different reasons.

my best advice is to sit down and talk your feelings out.  And try to get back on track.  Every couple will have different problems to adjust too. For you it could be very well that he feels as if its your house and he is a guest. It is is something that should be talked out as soon as possible so  you can resolve the issue before it damages your relationship like it did mine.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 11:13:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: newlytaken07

I know I am missing it and I think he is too.

Talk to him. You need to know this for sure, not just assume it's true.


quote:

When we were long distance, we obviously played a lot when we saw each other ... as well as that, weekends were almost 24/7 D/s whether we were playing or not. When we were apart we maintained the D/s dynamic really well with things like tasks and negotiated power over specific aspects of my life such as sleep and exercise.

I am not sure what we expected, but I'm not sure we expected this. We are struggling with moving from lovely romantic D/s weekends to complete domesticity and we seem to be losing our D/s selves in the process.

1) Fireworks dont' last forever. It's time to look for the much longer-lived fireflies. 2) You've changed things so that there's no power over specific aspects of your life. Change that.

quote:

I have more power in the relationship at the moment through pure circumstance and we both acknowledge this but I don't think either of us like it. He has moved to my house, my city, my friends and family. I feel a great deal of responsibility in showing him both little things (example: how to use the dishwasher) and the bigger things (example: financial, transport, introducing him to friends etc.)

Why are you showing him how to use the dishwasher? Does he like doing dishes? If not, he doesn't need to know how...you do.

quote:

When we were together for weekends only, I served him all weekend ... I cooked, cleaned etc etc, and did it happily. We did discuss that this would not be possible or practical once we started living together (we now share household duties) but this little piece of my service to him is gone. Don't get me wrong ... I don't want to do everything round the house, but I am unsure how to replace this sense of service.

Why can't you have/do this on the weekends like you used to?

Sometimes, reality interferres. And, the situation isn't all your fault. He's not fulfilling his role any more that you are fulfilling yours. You can be submissive all you want but if he's not the Dominant, you are still unfufilled.

HE needs to sit and figure out what he wants...and spell it out. The two of you need to discuss what each of you need. It may be that you simply need to not be so practical and take on more of the housework...or simply him working out a set daily routine, including a bedtime, would work.

Master Fire



newlytaken07 -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 11:21:32 AM)

thanks mystiquenz ... you are so right in that he feels disorganised and unsettled and i think 'being the boss' is hard for him when he feels like that ... i do need to learn patience in allowing the dust to settle.

i am aware of the 'my/our' language and have been consciously using 'our' in conversations with him and others. I used 'my' in my original post to illustrate reasons for the (unwanted) power i currently feel in our relationship. He is the one i want, and i am not verging on 'i don't know' .... however, i do need to learn to 'share my toys' better :D

thank you for your wishes of luck :)




newlytaken07 -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 11:37:16 AM)

great idea, thanks elderrook .. don't suppose any of those books are available online? i think even just a daily routine of acknowledging his Dominance at bedtime (for example) in some small way would be helpful .... though Master Fire makes a good point .. i do need to actually clarify he is missing the D/s in the first place .... (I'm pretty sure he is ..)




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 11:55:43 AM)

To add- you've got to learn how to be intimate and happy sitting on a couch just hanging out in PJs.  In some ways that's a lot deeper than flogging someone.



subsfaith -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 11:59:39 AM)

Great post, thank you newlytaken07 :: smiles ::

My Sir and I had a long distance relationship over a couple of years and adjustment can be quite testing.

My only words of advice would be to give it some time, communicate, and learn to get to know each other all over again.  Going from part-time to full time is such a huge transistion, so many things have changed, for example, those jobs you did on the weekend when you didn't see him, you are having to find time to fit them in whilst he is around the house, and the running around madly tidying up before he arrives is no longer there because he is always there.  So have a some patience with each other, stop and think before you speak and good luck.

:: smiles ::



curvyslavegirl -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 12:00:43 PM)

I had a similar problem with a more local relationship. We lived an hour apart one person always had to drive to the other. It seemed like when we were at his place, D/s happened often and naturally but at my house it was much more rare. Unfortunately, my place is much more comfortable so we often ended up at my house by default. I tried subtly gravitating toward things like sitting on the floor by his feet, allowing the top drawers of the dressers to conveniently be empty for him to take them over, etc but vanilla always seemed to be the flavor of the encounters.

Beyond all of that, moving is a huge deal. When I moved across the country having hot sex was far from my mind for the first few months! Transitioning to a new lifestyle and locale takes time. It could be a mixture of both issues!

I would just talk to him about it, make it clear that you want him to have power and ask him if he has any suggestions. Perhaps try reframing the help you are giving him in getting used to the new situation. Rather than viewing it as you teaching him how to do things around the house, think of it as serving him as a driver/household manager/etc. Instead of viewing it as a "responsibility to show him" think of it as an "honor to serve him". Sometimes subtle shifts in language and mentality can make all the difference in the world.






newlytaken07 -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 12:07:53 PM)

"Instead of viewing it as a "responsibility to show him" think of it as an "honor to serve him". Sometimes subtle shifts in language and mentality can make all the difference in the world."






Thank you curvyslavegirl, incredibly helpful :)



spankmepink11 -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 12:11:51 PM)

 I can't really add to the great advice and insight you've been given.  But i do wish you luck.    I'm not terribly fond of strict protocols, but maybe in your case, thats exactly whats needed to put you both back in the desired headspace.



NakedGirlScout -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 12:16:24 PM)

I agree with Michael, because I did the exact same thing you did, moving my Master into my home. I think Michael is absolutely right. My Master was also lackluster and even depressed, feeling this was "my" home and "my rules" as well as my friends and all the rest of it. The D/s had disappeared and we both hated it. Unfortunately, this didn't get resolved until he chose a new home and we moved. I don't think it would have gotten resolved if we'd stayed in "my" home. But the good news is that after we moved into "his" chosen house, it all resolved itself immediately and with very little further effort or disruption. I was surprised at how quickly it all got better without even much talking about issues. Good luck with everything!!



faidedrose -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 3:31:10 PM)

hello newlytaken,
 
Master and i were in a LDR for 1.5 years as well. Then we moved to 27/7. This is a very hard adjustment. He moved here to be with me as well. I am in Ohio. He was in California. So a very big move for Him to do. He moved to where, He knew absolutely nothing about, where anything was, and knew no one here besides me and my "little family". Really all He knew was me. It is not 1.5 years later and we still struggle. I did not liv in the house before He moved here, so it did not even seem like it was "my house". We both moved in it at the same time. That helped a lot. Master controls all the finances. And the "little family". He is retired, and I am only 28, so I still work full time. He and the little ones do the housework. I gave him the control of these little things that came along. Of course He gladly took it. He made the rules of the house. We stick to them.
 
In other words. You have to give Him some power. Even if it is just over the house and the finances, that is a HUGE load for Him to take on. In the long run, Yyou both will be more pleased. He will begin to see this as His house too and that He does have His power back, to run it as He sees fit. But... remember, it takes two. Both of You take on responcibility of the house and some decisions so that you both are contributing to the relationship. If you having these responcibilities is what pleases Him, find a way in your mind to see this as submitting to Him, to please Him... This will please you in return.
 
Hope I helped, and feel free to contact me off of the boards if you would like. I will help in any way I can.

rose



simplyangelic1 -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 5:16:47 PM)

I don't have any new advice.  I think that everyone who has posted before me have hit it on the head.  I just wanted to wish you much luck in finding your way in this journey. 

angel



KnightofMists -> RE: from long distance to 24/7 .... problems adjusting (4/20/2007 5:24:55 PM)

It takes effort to make a relationship work... 

When you are apart and come together for a weekend or a holiday.  Well, you make plans.  You are looking to cram alot of stuff in a short time period.  Consider... how many times during all those get togethers.. did you do some of the following...

went shopping for groceries
sat down and did the budget pay bills.
took the car to the garage
went to the doctor
one was working while the other was at home
clean the house/wash dishes
did laundry
visited with family/friends

I suspect you didn't do much of them that all when the two of you visited each other.  Now.. you are together... and guess what.. you doing these things.....  In fact you did them all the time.. but you had them work around your times together.   Every now and again.. you might of needed to do them when you are together.. but even then you likely had them worked around your time together.  Or did them together.

My point is.. daily life exists.. but you made time for each other... you plan and took effort to have a relationship.  You actually where forced to do it being LDR... well forced to do so.. if you wanted to have the relationship.  Welll now you are together... and guess what you are not doing.  You stopped making that time for each other.  You don't plan for anything do you.  when is the last time that you made any plans to do something together... plans like you did when you went and visit the other.  Bet you don't do that much any more do you.

You can want to do all the protocals and other stuff you want.. ... but unless you are both committed to put an effort to spend time with each other.. all those protocals and rituals will just be empty... going though the motions kind of thing.

You both need to put as much effort into spending quality time together as you did when you where LDR.. and maybe even more so.



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