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faking it.... - 4/12/2007 5:19:54 PM   
ELUSIVE1


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Joined: 9/11/2005
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Have you ever 'faked' the safe word ? I mean--you are into a scene, and for whatever reason, you really don't feel unsafe, you just want out of the scene?? I have, twice now actually...both times it was the end of the relationship...but both times the relationship was basically over, and the 'one last scene' I just couldn't go through with...does that make me a fake and a phoney?? or just wise enough to see a waste of time and energy for what it really is??


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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 5:25:04 PM   
Griswold


Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ELUSIVE1

Have you ever 'faked' the safe word ?


Yes, I did.

My safe word was "Red"....and what I said was (my mistake)..."YOU fucking CUNT!!!!! I HATE you!!!!! Why did I ever allow you in to my HOME!!!!  I swear to GAWWWWD if you don't let me go...I'll kill you, you fucking whore!!!!!"

(Needless to say, we broke up shortly thereafter).

< Message edited by Griswold -- 4/12/2007 5:26:45 PM >

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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 5:29:54 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		to me faking a safeword doesn't make you a phony, it just shows a lack of respect for what safewords are meant to do and a bit of cowardice in regards to being up front about just not wanting to be in the scene in the first place. it's not a terrible awful thing, but there might be better ways to handle it.


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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 5:36:29 PM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		I faked one recently. Was at a private party and after a bit of fun with the subs, me and two other female dominants decided we would test some harsh floggers out on each other to see who could take the most. I know how much the other two wanted to win so I just took a few and then called ‘RED’
I have now earned the title of ‘The Most Unmasochistic of Masochists’!

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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 5:36:43 PM   
BondageTopJere


Posts: 170
Joined: 8/22/2006
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quote:


to me faking a safeword doesn't make you a phony, it just shows a lack of respect for what safewords are meant to do and a bit of cowardice in regards to being up front about just not wanting to be in the scene in the first place. it's not a terrible awful thing, but there might be better ways to handle it.


Agree with this completely.  The real problem would be if the safe word was "faked" simply to get out of the scene, but then you never tell to the Dom that you had indeed used it for false pretenses.  The beginning of the slippery slope to mutual trust destruction and ending of relationships, although from what the OP said, they were both essentially finished to begin with.

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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 5:37:10 PM   
ownedkitten


Posts: 200
Joined: 4/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ELUSIVE1

Have you ever 'faked' the safe word ? I mean--you are into a scene, and for whatever reason, you really don't feel unsafe, you just want out of the scene?? I have, twice now actually...both times it was the end of the relationship...but both times the relationship was basically over, and the 'one last scene' I just couldn't go through with...does that make me a fake and a phoney?? or just wise enough to see a waste of time and energy for what it really is??



I cannot say that I have in those particular circumstances.  I cannot imagine this "one last scene" thing that you're talking about - for me when a relationship is over, it's done.  I cut the ties until a time comes when/if I can be in contact with that person again.  I do not linger.

However, the moment that I feel unsafe in a scene, then it is my responsibility to safeword.  Therefore, I only use it when necessary.  If I do not want to scene, then I simply say so.  I would suggest you evaulate your personal boundaries and draw some lines, so to speak.


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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 5:40:04 PM   
OrlandoDave


Posts: 19
Joined: 8/27/2005
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quote:

quote:

or just wise enough to see a waste of time and energy for what it really is??


Well, since this isn't in "ask a /s" I guess I will give my impression.
Perhaps you could have been wise enough before you began your "one last scene."
That seems like a strange time to realize that things are over... perhaps you already knew it was nearing the end, but it also seems that you both would have felt that way. I don't know, odd that this has happend "to" you twice.

Don't wanna live here no more
I don't wanna stay
Ain't gonna spend the rest of my life
Quietly fading away, yeah

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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 5:46:03 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ELUSIVE1

Have you ever 'faked' the safe word ? I mean--you are into a scene, and for whatever reason, you really don't feel unsafe, you just want out of the scene?? I have, twice now actually...both times it was the end of the relationship...but both times the relationship was basically over, and the 'one last scene' I just couldn't go through with...does that make me a fake and a phoney?? or just wise enough to see a waste of time and energy for what it really is??



I agree with hisannabelle.  If you don't want to be there in the first place, why let the scene even start?

***Warning....Really Politically Incorrect Moment Here****
To me, it smacks of those girls who who lead/are led into the bedroom...remove/get their clothes removed...begin having sex and then, once the guy is about halfway there or almost all the way there, she decides she doesn't want to do this.  So...she says "NO".  At that point, no matter where they are in the act, he must stop.  Must ... stop.  I am not sure about other states but in Colorado...if the male does not, he can now be charged with "date rape".  There is no denying that there should always be some sort of control in place that you can stop, if you have to...for whatever reason.  But personally...to get that far and have someone say "Stop right this minute" makes it seem to me like she never should have said "yes" in the first place...along with really screwing up her chances to see this guy again.***

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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 6:08:47 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ELUSIVE1

Have you ever 'faked' the safe word ? I mean--you are into a scene, and for whatever reason, you really don't feel unsafe, you just want out of the scene?? I have, twice now actually...both times it was the end of the relationship...but both times the relationship was basically over, and the 'one last scene' I just couldn't go through with...does that make me a fake and a phoney?? or just wise enough to see a waste of time and energy for what it really is??



I would never do that as I regard it as misuse of a safeword. To me a safeword is like 911 - if I'm hearing it or using it something better be wrong. If you want to end the scene, just end it by saying "I'm ending the scene". If you play the sort of scene where you can't just end it, then you probably shouldn't have been playing those particular scenes at that particular time. Either way, simple removal of consent should have worked. Abuse of safewords is what leads, in my opinion, to dominants not respecting them and teaching their submissives that they are worthless. 

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 4/12/2007 6:12:01 PM >

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 6:11:03 PM   
ELUSIVE1


Posts: 536
Joined: 9/11/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: ELUSIVE1

Have you ever 'faked' the safe word ? I mean--you are into a scene, and for whatever reason, you really don't feel unsafe, you just want out of the scene?? I have, twice now actually...both times it was the end of the relationship...but both times the relationship was basically over, and the 'one last scene' I just couldn't go through with...does that make me a fake and a phoney?? or just wise enough to see a waste of time and energy for what it really is??



I agree with hisannabelle.  If you don't want to be there in the first place, why let the scene even start?

***Warning....Really Politically Incorrect Moment Here****
To me, it smacks of those girls who who lead/are led into the bedroom...remove/get their clothes removed...begin having sex and then, once the guy is about halfway there or almost all the way there, she decides she doesn't want to do this.  So...she says "NO".  At that point, no matter where they are in the act, he must stop.  Must ... stop.  I am not sure about other states but in Colorado...if the male does not, he can now be charged with "date rape".  There is no denying that there should always be some sort of control in place that you can stop, if you have to...for whatever reason.  But personally...to get that far and have someone say "Stop right this minute" makes it seem to me like she never should have said "yes" in the first place...along with really screwing up her chances to see this guy again.***

WOW...yes really really not p/c...if no ever doesn't mean no, or stop whatever activity is taking place then no one is safe...it wasn't a case of getting him all up in top space then leaving him dry...more a case of me seeing if there was anything left to salvage of the relationship-and in both cases the answer was a resounding NO...


_____________________________

"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality"

*Poe
http://alt.com/blog/ELUSIVE1NC
http://users.adultspace.com/ELUSIVE1NC/


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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 6:14:37 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		I'm curious as to why you would try to find the last vestages of a relationship during a scene? Were these both LTR's or more casual play partners?

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"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 6:16:01 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ELUSIVE1

WOW...yes really really not p/c...if no ever doesn't mean no, or stop whatever activity is taking place then no one is safe...it wasn't a case of getting him all up in top space then leaving him dry...more a case of me seeing if there was anything left to salvage of the relationship-and in both cases the answer was a resounding NO...



BDSM isn't politically correct. You started something that you couldn't finish. Fine, whatever, but instead of owning up to it you safeworded.

If you wanted to see if there anything left of the relationship, why didn't you try talking?

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to ELUSIVE1)
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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 6:17:40 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		***Warning....Really Politically Incorrect Moment Here****
To me, it smacks of those girls who who lead/are led into the bedroom...remove/get their clothes removed...begin having sex and then, once the guy is about halfway there or almost all the way there, she decides she doesn't want to do this.  So...she says "NO".  At that point, no matter where they are in the act, he must stop.  Must ... stop.  I am not sure about other states but in Colorado...if the male does not, he can now be charged with "date rape".  There is no denying that there should always be some sort of control in place that you can stop, if you have to...for whatever reason.  But personally...to get that far and have someone say "Stop right this minute" makes it seem to me like she never should have said "yes" in the first place...along with really screwing up her chances to see this guy again.***

I don't think that statement is politically incorrect. I do think however the line between consenting and genuinely changing your mind and consenting and changing your mind for the hell of it is a very thin one.
I believe everyone has the right to say no at any point but i also think that past a certain point you cant say no without expecting some consequence.
 
As far as using a safe word for any other reason than being in distress etc then i think no it should not be used.

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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 6:35:54 PM   
minnetar


Posts: 1272
Joined: 4/11/2007
Status: offline 		have never faked using it because then it seems you lack the respect for entire lifestyle. If you felt the relationship wasn't going to be salvageable, then why even scene.


minnetar

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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 7:04:55 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
I faked one recently. Was at a private party and after a bit of fun with the subs, me and two other female dominants decided we would test some harsh floggers out on each other to see who could take the most. I know how much the other two wanted to win so I just took a few and then called ‘RED’
I have now earned the title of ‘The Most Unmasochistic of Masochists’!

I think that's cute and fun and since everyone accepted it as a game, perfectly fine :)  Wish I could have been there to laugh.

Otherwise, seriously, it's wrong to manipulate the other person like that. 

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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 7:46:10 PM   
santalia


Posts: 142
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings A/all

i've never faked it and never would. To be honest, i have a hard time safewording even when i am really having trouble with a scene. It might be too much for me to take, but in my head i feel as though i'm failing Him if i safeword before He is ready to stop. i know that's not how i should think about it, and my Master has commanded me that if we are ever scening and i need to safeword, i will do so right away.

Well wishes

-santalia{JR}t

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 7:48:45 PM   
jj292


Posts: 100
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline 		BDSM is about power exchange. At least one party is consensually giving up control to another. So there is obviously trust between the two. If a safeword is faked by the sub, then that shows lack of trust for the dominant and a lack of respect for BDSM.

If the dominant is respecting the hard limits, and there is no emergency, then there should be no need to use a safeword. And communication is key. It is the sub's responsibility to tell the dominant what their hard limits are right up front. If the sub doesn't tell the dom what isn't acceptable, then its basically fair game in my book.

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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 7:51:41 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ELUSIVE1

Have you ever 'faked' the safe word ? I mean--you are into a scene, and for whatever reason, you really don't feel unsafe, you just want out of the scene?? I have, twice now actually...both times it was the end of the relationship...but both times the relationship was basically over, and the 'one last scene' I just couldn't go through with...does that make me a fake and a phoney?? or just wise enough to see a waste of time and energy for what it really is??



When I began to have serious questions about a relationship, I stopped sceneing entirely with the person until they could be resolved.  When they couldn't I stopped all D/s style interaction with him.  We eventually had to stop seeing each other, but once I began to really question the relationship, I knew I couldn't scene with him.  There was no "one last scene" that I had to safeword out of.


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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 8:12:10 PM   
Smythe


Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ELUSIVE1

Have you ever 'faked' the safe word ? I mean--you are into a scene, and for whatever reason, you really don't feel unsafe, you just want out of the scene?? I have, twice now actually...both times it was the end of the relationship...but both times the relationship was basically over, and the 'one last scene' I just couldn't go through with...does that make me a fake and a phoney?? or just wise enough to see a waste of time and energy for what it really is??





I guess I have a slightly different perspective. If you have a safe word, that means that you are in a situation where you have relinquished your power and control. You are given the word as your one means of exerting control, if you feel you need it, whenever you feel you need it. It is your word and your judgment.

I pretty much agree that you shouldn't have been playing in the first place, and/or should have talked about your feelings. But I don't believe that there is such thing as "faking" a safe word. There are a hundred reasons why someone might want out of a scene, and not all of them literally have to do with feeling unsafe.

Smythe


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RE: faking it.... - 4/12/2007 8:15:48 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ELUSIVE1

Have you ever 'faked' the safe word ? I mean--you are into a scene, and for whatever reason, you really don't feel unsafe, you just want out of the scene?? I have, twice now actually...both times it was the end of the relationship...but both times the relationship was basically over, and the 'one last scene' I just couldn't go through with...does that make me a fake and a phoney?? or just wise enough to see a waste of time and energy for what it really is??


WE don't do safewords so the answer is no.

As to what this makes you.  Well IMO it makes you someone who is 't really dealing with things up front.  If you want to end a relaitonsnhip why not just end it.  Why look for an excuse? Why make it seem like he is ending it when in fact it is what you want?  I much prefer the more direct approach.  So no for me this doesn't make you wise.


_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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