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Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 12:20:03 PM   
needs2learn


Posts: 15
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline
ok i have been talking to a  Dom and he wants me to think up a list of questions to ask him ........ i've been talking to him for hours every night for 6weeks so i kinda know a lot about him ... but i think he means in a bdsm way .......  i know a lot of what he likes and how he is  (we have already met)  ... i dont know what i like so theres no issues for me... we have only just decided we want to take things further.

but i need to ask him some questions or hes gonna think i'm not interested  ........ i just cant think of anything to ask that i dont already know about him

so what should i be asking a prospective new Dom ?


< Message edited by needs2learn -- 4/11/2007 12:27:23 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 12:27:21 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Same things you do in a vanilla relationship.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_2173/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#2173
What do you ask?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_122762/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#122762
negotiation

http://www.collarchat.com/m_151960/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#151960
questions

http://www.collarchat.com/m_137841/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#137841
getting to know a new dom

http://www.collarchat.com/m_131518/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#131518
allowed to ask questions

http://www.collarchat.com/m_241888/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#241888
questions to ask potential dom

http://www.collarchat.com/m_399121/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#399121
questions for potential doms

http://www.collarchat.com/m_397609/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#397609
bit of a question...on questions

http://www.collarchat.com/m_518169/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#518169
what to ask

http://www.collarchat.com/m_542207/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#542207
questions to ask a potential mistress

http://www.collarchat.com/m_719243/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#719243
when finding a dom/master


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(in reply to needs2learn)
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RE: what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 12:29:08 PM   
needs2learn


Posts: 15
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline
thanks for that i did do a search but obviously wasnt putting in the right words ....

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 12:53:51 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		i always look for good relationships with exes, employees and bosses...

it is also to observe the little things too...like how he treats the wait staff at a resturant...does talk but not communicate....is he honest.

words wont tell you what you really need to know....but actions will...

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RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 1:02:31 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		This sounds like a real interesting task. 

Personally, I avoid alot of questions early on because it feels too formal, and I've been trained as an interviewer so my style tends to be way over the top and I feel like I'm collecting data on someone.  It just makes me feel like a social scientist because of my academic background.

But, you've been talking to this person for a while and you probably have a lot of basic information about him.  So, it might make sense to come up with a list of everything you know, either bdsm questions or just regular life questions, then ask questions based on that list.




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RE: what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 1:03:53 PM   
needs2learn


Posts: 15
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline
i have already met him so i know what hes like ... we get on in a vanilla way ....... but the bdsm part is all new to me and i think thats what he wants me to ask about

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 1:20:39 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		You might want to think about everything you don't want to deal with.
What your own limits are. I'm not talking about limits in terms of BDSM
scene play.  I'm talking about Limits in your life?

Do you want somebody to have full control over your clothing, hair style
and everything else about you.  In short do you want to be mircomanaged
on a high level?

What kinds of Hobbies do you currently enjoy?  Would you give those
things up to be with somebody.

Ask questions with you yourself in mind.   See if there is any conflicts that
arise from the questions.   Also it gives the Dom something to explore as well.

Some of us are not into high level of micromanagement.  Hair style control,
however.. it's alway wise to check with your DOM before running off to
get a new hair style.   Your Dom just might not like it.   So you will have to
get used to perhaps running things by your Dom, even if your Dom is not
managing it.   The last thing you want to have happen is run off get a new
hairstyle, come back home and find out that your DOM totally hates it...
It will turn out to be an upsetting experience for both you and him alike.
Part of your job is to ask questions and explores what your DOM likes
and dislikes.   How far are you willing to go in pleasing your Dom, even
in the areas that he's givin you control over.   Just because you have
control over something does not mean, anything you do will automatically
please your Dom.  In fact you might end up making choices that totally
displease him...  You don't want to be caught off guard by this one either.

So, the more you can talk about anything and everything.  The better it is.
Be it taste in food, clothing, styles, manners, Morals, views on life,
BDSM play activities, Safe and Sane practices.  You need to run through
a whole guantlet of things.  

If you find you have very few limits then you don't have to feel so many
things out.   You just simply have to ask him what pleases him.   i.e.
Sir, do you wish for me to have a new hair style.   Sir, are you pleased
with my hair.  If he comes back with some I don't care remark.  Then
ask him about the styles he considers to be unattractive or not to his
tastes.   Never let your Dom off the hook with a "I don't care" statement.
Because if you went out and had your head shaved bald, you might
find he would be caring a lot about it.  Questions like this get your
Dom to open up more about their likes and dislikes.  You will know
what your DOMs limits are in regarding to your freedom.

Whew... There is a heck of a lot more I could probally write about.
I'm just pitching out an example of something.   This can apply to
the type and color of underwear even.  To so many things....

< Message edited by WhiplashSmile -- 4/11/2007 1:21:08 PM >

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RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 1:57:48 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		Maybe check out a couple of the BDSM checklists floating around. That might spark some ideas in your mind about what you'd like to know about him. Or, maybe just take some time by yourself to think about the things that are important to you. All of the advice offered up so far has been good, but no one is going to be able to give you the specifics.

If you guys are going to discuss this in person, it might be best to just let the conversation flow. 

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

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RE: what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 2:17:44 PM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		   I learned really quickly if I am unsure ALWAYS ask for specifics.   If I were asked to write a serious of questions, I would ask what types of questions.  

(in reply to needs2learn)
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RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 2:34:35 PM   
ElektraUkM


Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needs2learn

ok i have been talking to a  Dom and he wants me to think up a list of questions to ask him ........ i've been talking to him for hours every night for 6weeks so i kinda know a lot about him ... but i think he means in a bdsm way .......  i know a lot of what he likes and how he is  (we have already met)  ... i dont know what i like so theres no issues for me... we have only just decided we want to take things further.

but i need to ask him some questions or hes gonna think i'm not interested  ........ i just cant think of anything to ask that i dont already know about him

so what should i be asking a prospective new Dom ?



Best thing to do would be to ask for clarification on what kinds of questions..?

I remember being very new to all this, being so new in fact that I didn't know what kinds of questions to ask, didn't know what problems I'd come up against, and so on... You're coming from a position of cluelessness for the most part ~ there's so much to find out about yourself, about him, and about how the two of you can be together. And of course things will change as you get to know each other and find out things you thought you wouldn't like that you actually do!

Don't worry about him thinking something or other about you because you can't come up with questions to show your interest... just tell him how you feel, and ask for a bit more help :) Treat it as fun, rather than a daunting (?) task :)

I'd also support the suggestion of another poster to check out some of the online BDSM checklists. They're a great starting-point for discussion and so on.

(in reply to needs2learn)
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RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 2:39:22 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like the guy doesn't know what he is doing, is afraid to ask and figures if he can get you to ask enough questions, he can't stay ahead of you.

Ask him how he likes his cock sucked, when they ask me that I usually figure they are interested.

(in reply to ElektraUkM)
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RE: what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 2:41:39 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		You only need ask one or two questions with a virtually unlimited amount of sub questions: Why? - What?

For example...


  • Why he is attracted to a non-vanilla lifestyle?

  • Why does he identify as a 'Dom'?

  • Why is he seeking a submissive?
    Once done with that begin with the 'what' questions.
    • What is a Dom?
    • What is a sub
    • What are a Dom's responsibilities?
    • What are a sub's responsibilities?

    You get the idea. 

    (in reply to Squeakers)
    • Profile   Post #: 12
    RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 3:00:56 PM   
    needs2learn


    Posts: 15
    Joined: 2/15/2006
    Status: offline
    Sounds to me like the guy doesn't know what he is doing, is afraid to ask and figures if he can get you to ask enough questions, he can't stay ahead of you.

    no that is not the case at all ......... he spent all night asking me questions last night ..... my head was kind of mushy by the end of it and i just couldnt think of anything to ask i didnt already know  ........ and the task was to ask him some questions by like any time now when he comes online  lol

    (in reply to SimplyMichael)
    Profile   Post #: 13
    RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 3:11:14 PM   
    MstrssPassion


    Posts: 2444
    Joined: 1/1/2004
    From: West Palm Beach, FL
    Status: offline     		hey no cheating

    this could very well be a screening task & a way that he will get to know YOU better... not what a bunch strangers would ask.

    I do a very similar thing.... it isn't so much the words being said but what is said, when & how it comes up in conversation. I find that so many things are discovered about someone based on how their mind works in certain topics & at what point in the conversation they come up.

    If you ask the questions that we say you should ask it could confuse the results of how he gauges you.

    So lets say he takes you on & gives you tasks to perform... are going to rush out & ask everyone how you should do them & then do them the way all the strangers say you should?



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    MstrssPassion


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    RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 3:30:49 PM   
    needs2learn


    Posts: 15
    Joined: 2/15/2006
    Status: offline
    i was more trying to come up with ideas of the kind of questions to ask then was gonna pick out the relevent ones

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    Profile   Post #: 15
    RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 5:08:22 PM   
    WhiplashSmile


    Posts: 1472
    Joined: 6/8/2004
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: needs2learn

    i was more trying to come up with ideas of the kind of questions to ask then was gonna pick out the relevent ones


    This can be a bit of bitch, because there is nothing set in stone about this in the lifestyle.  What is good for some is not good for others.  The important thing is that everybody can come up with their own lists and share it with one another.   The best way I have found is to do a lot of talking and make certain you cover all the major areas.   

    I myself had/have a list of things I did not want in a submissive.  If they passed my do not want list, I'd ask about their do not want list.  If I matched up on that list somehow, I would come out and let them know.  I'd explore the options of compromise in my mind or whatever.  If it was a major conflict, time to move onto somebody else.    If everything clicks, then it was time to get into the WANT and DESIRES list.  Looking for what we both have or don't have in common.  Again looking for anything would could be a potential for Major conflict.   Talk about it, figure out if it will work or not.  If not, moved onto somebody else. 

    For instance.  On my do not want list.  I don't want somebody that had a Drug Addiction problem.  Meaning No Crack heads or Heroin junkies.   I think I had around 24-28 major items I can not deal with period.  No comprises allowed.  On my desire list,  I'd love to have a Kid.  I also have unfullfilled BDSM fantasy lists.  So then going down through things in conversation, I would find out how much of a match up this really is or is not.  The thing is I was looking to see how big of a match there was, so to not deny myself of things I want to do in life.

    Lets say for instance you want to get involved with Electrical Play, it's a fantasy that is burning in your mind over and over again.  Now is this a limit for your Dom or not?  How many things do you want to try or have done to you, that he is into doing?   Ok.. Movies for instance.   Do you Love Romantic Comedy ones while he only wants to watch Sci-Fi ones?  This can make a difference in the time you spend together in front of a TV, or going to the movie theaters.   If your Dom is aware of your wants, he will work at seeing His needs are met as well as yours too.  If you Dom totally Hates Romantic Comedies, this is a Hard Limit.   If he likes a few now and then, this may be a soft limit.   If he loves them as much as the Sci-Fi movies, you have a match.

    If your relationship revolves solely around BDSM and Sex, then worry about those lists.  The best source for coming up with lists is for you to explore yourself in thought.  Think about things in your mind.  Talk about it and share it with this Dom.  It should be an Open door communication going on, just as it would with any other relationship.   Just show respect when talking with him.  If he says I love sci-fi Movies... Don't be going off at the mouth about How those suck and how people that watch them are strange.  You will only be offending him.    Just tell him, you are not into Sci-Fi however you are or are not willing to watch them.   Let him know what you do like though.   He will be in control of things, however he needs to know more about you to take proper control.   He will be making the final word on the movie you guys go see.  However, if he has any type of Heart and feelings for you, he will be including Romantic Comedy Movies in his choices... Whew...

    I'm trying to illustrate a point to how this list thing works for you.  Hope this helps.  

    (in reply to needs2learn)
    Profile   Post #: 16
    RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 5:10:05 PM   
    FukinTroll


    Posts: 6277
    Joined: 2/6/2007
    From: Under a bridge
    Status: offline     		Can he pay the Troll rent?

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    Profile   Post #: 17
    RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 5:13:03 PM   
    WhiplashSmile


    Posts: 1472
    Joined: 6/8/2004
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

    Can he pay the Troll rent?


    I thought you were going to ask if he can loan out his slave to trolls?

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    Profile   Post #: 18
    RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 5:24:15 PM   
    mp072004


    Posts: 381
    Joined: 12/22/2005
    Status: offline     		I assume this is someone you're considering having a relationship with--or have begun dating.

    You might ask how he structures his relationships, and the degree of intimacy he prefers with BDSM partners. Does he want a girlfriend/submissive, or are those two roles quite separate for him?

    You might ask about how important sensation (SM play), service (housework, massages, fetching and carrying), and inequal power (d/s) each are to him, and how he approaches each of them.

    Finally, since you seem to be guessing about what questions to ask, and guessing about his purpose in asking you to ask questions, you might ask that. Also, you can always say, "I don't have any questions: we've been talking for six weeks, I've asked all my up-front questions. I'll still observe your behavior to determine our compatibility, but I already have all the information I want you to tell me."

    By the way, you surely have some ideas about what you like--after all, you discerned that you wanted a BDSM relationship of some kind.

    Monica

    (in reply to needs2learn)
    Profile   Post #: 19
    RE: Help !!!!!! what questions should i ask a new Dom? - 4/11/2007 5:29:48 PM   
    FukinTroll


    Posts: 6277
    Joined: 2/6/2007
    From: Under a bridge
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile

    quote:

    ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

    Can he pay the Troll rent?


    I thought you were going to ask if he can loan out his slave to trolls?


    Nope. CM ID = owned by FukinTroll.

    Geez man, don't you watch the polls?

    _____________________________

    I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

    TrollTopia
    Greedy Groupie!

    The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

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    Profile   Post #: 20
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