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Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and Fighting - 4/10/2007 6:50:25 PM

Passion357

Posts: 481
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

Greetings, All,

Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and Fighting, among Master and slaves.

I think it's good to get these feelings OUT.
So if anyone anywhere from any side of the Umbrella that is BDSM would like to share experiences of telling their Master or slave "I hate you...", name calling, screaming, and out right fighting, NO MATTER what it was/is about, please feel free.

I, for one, do not intend to judge or call you out. This is more of a support/rant/let it out thing.
However---If anyone starts flaming, bashing, etc I will request of the Mods this thread be closed and I will stop posting on it. Period.

If you have ever told your Master "I hate you"...why? What was the history? Did you feel justified or wrong? Was the issue resolved?

Have you ever told your slave "Get out"...? Why? What went wrong? Did you feel justified or wrong? Was the issue resolved?

I know Master and I went through a period ( year ) where I was close to leaving him because things were so wrong, I was so sick, (flu-strep throat- tonsilitis) and he was just wasting away working all the time.
During this time I cried way too much, especially since I am not a crier. I got so depressed...well..I'm still recovering!
But, so is he.
We found interesting ways to defuse our fights...and just the other day heard on the radio a broadcast about them.

Suddenly it's healthy for a Husband and Wife ( or let's say Master and Slave) to have seperate rooms, sleep in seperate beds, etc etc etc ...

They even went as far as LIVING in seperate residences.

Master and I seperated our house about 8 months ago. I have my own room, bathroom, den, half of the office. He has his own bedroom, bathroom, den, half of the office.
We split the kitchen, dining room became workshop ( for leathercrafts, my candle making, foosball <sp?> table etc) and obviously split the office.
We have a formal living room and dining room, and a seperate den, that is how the split was so easy.

So you know those times when you want to knock the stars out of him/her???...but you should walk away and BREATHE???

Well...GO To YOUR ROOM!

Thank you, E, this is going to be healthy I think.

Well Wishes,
~Passion~

< Message edited by Passion357 -- 4/10/2007 6:51:32 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 6:54:42 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

its common for communication to break down if one or both dont have the skills of good communication in thier skill set.

however i am not a fan, i feel that things that are said in anger leave scars or even some times open wounds that are only bandaged with the i am sorrys and hot make-up fucking that ensues afterward.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to Passion357)

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RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:00:00 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

If a woman I was with ever said "I hate you" She would be shown the door....I would never say such things to a woman simply because I would never allow myself to reach that point...Either things would get better or I would remove myself from such a toxic environment.

_____________________________

(in reply to Passion357)

Post #: 3

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:00:35 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

No, I wouldnt dare say something like that to him. I love and respect him too much, even when I am angry at him (I don't remember the last time I was angry at him, though - it's been a very long time). And as angry as he has been with me at times, he would not say something so hurtful, and that he did not mean. We discuss our disagreements rationally.

Hate is a pretty powerful word/emotion. If someone felt hatred for me I would not want to be in his/her life. If I felt hatred for another, I would not be in his/her life.

I do, however, understand pent up anger coming out in a rage so huge you can not control yourself. That occurred in my former marriage, as a result of nearly 20 years of abuse. The power in which that finally came out was frightening to us both. I find such anger vexing to the spirit.

(in reply to Passion357)

Post #: 4

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:02:49 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

We've got our computers in separate rooms. However he won't sit in bed to read and I will, so I can just go in there while he stays on the couch.

If somebody told me to get out, I wouldn't come back. And I wouldn't say that to him unless I meant it.

We've both been through sufficiently bad relationships, and enough therapy, to put the right name to our emotions. So I don't say I hate you when I mean I am hurt that you ignored my birthday. I tell him I'm hurt, or angry, or frustrated etc.

As far as being sick, I spent a month last year like that and it was no fun. The difference is that he asked me if I knew how bitchy I was and did I mean it. I didn't know and I got upset that he had taken it without telling me because I was too sick to know how I was coming across.

But if it works for you, congratulations.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 5

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:05:35 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

We never talk to each other like this, and to be frank I cannot envision either of us saying these things to each other. I guess you would have to know us to understand how out of character this would be not only for us as individuals, but for our dynamic which just has no room for that. We try not to even raise our voices at each other, not that we have not had disagreements, but that kinda fighting is something we agreed that we both wanted no part of... he was involved in a verbally abusive marriage, and I would not ever do anything that would remind him of that or be that kind of person to him.. just would be something we would find unhealthy at our age and for what we want in life.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Passion357)

Post #: 6

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:06:10 PM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

Oh Crap.. sounds like you need to focus and work on the issues. The D/s yin/yang has been replaced with phyiscal isolation from one another. I wonder if you two still play together or not. If you don't play together even, you might as well be room mates dwelling in the same house instead of M/s relationship going on.

Both you and him need to step outside of the M/s box for a few have a good heart to heart communication about the problems. Most Dom/mes types get really frustrated when communication is reduced to name calling and sharp ass remarks. I personally don't like it myself. I don't like to get caught up into doing it either. Because things don't get talked about. True your emotions get to be heard. But they are heated. You are expressing Pain and hurt as Anger. I'm not bashing on you one bit. I'm just saying you should temper your anger and replace it with the true emotion behind your anger. Whew....

In terms of fights these happen from time to time. It's normal and to be expected. However it's an on going issue, this is not good or healthy for a M/s D/s relationship. Perhaps both you and your Master need to evaluate your roles and responsibities towards one another.

(in reply to Passion357)

Post #: 7

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:06:39 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Doesn't happen here.

If our communication broke down this much, we'd just end it.

I can get into verbal fights with the husband but I would never say things like "I hate you" or "Get out" to him even when I've been very angry.

If I said "Get out" to anyone, I would mean it.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Passion357)

Post #: 8

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:10:18 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Thats one rule Angel and I set up way early in our relationship. If an issue ever gets heated enough for either of us to even consider statements like that, they take a walk. We come back to the argument or conversation once we have cooled off and can address the issue and not the emotion. I cant imagine keeping my trust or respect in someone who would fly off the handle and tell me they hate me. Ever. I dont think those are heathy emotions for a relationship. Yes, sometiems things blow up, and they can get ugly, but in order to be able to keep a relationship together you have to know how to avoid those situations and keep a cool head.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 9

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:10:37 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

Oh, we've had our out and out fights. Most of them happened when I changed medications, but I can't blame them all on that. We went through a period where everything was a struggle. We were just not clicking anymore and communication had come to a dead halt unless it was shouting.

We worked it all out, and found the proverbial pebble in our shoe. Since then, life has been much better. And, when communication looks like it's about to break down...we're on top of it. So, the experience actually made our underlying relationship stronger, even if it did diminish the D/s dynamic for a while.

Edited to add:

I think I forgot to answer your original question...no, I've never told Him I hated Him or to get out. I've never felt the one emotion towards Him and I've never wanted Him to go. I would much rather Him stay so I could strangle Him.

< Message edited by spanklette -- 4/10/2007 7:56:53 PM >

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Passion357)

Post #: 10

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:16:54 PM

bastardandthewen

Posts: 40
Joined: 11/3/2006
Status: offline

I tell Bastard that I hate him frequently. Usually, when whatever nasty thing he is doing to my body (or mind) ellicits a breathy, half laughing, half yelping exclamation of hatered. "Ow, fuck, you Bastard, I hate you!" He typically laughs in delight, and does whatever he was doing harder till I beg for mercy.

But in a debate, discussion or dissagreement? I've never in our years together said anyting even vaguely approaching "I hate you"...and I hope I never do.

I DON"T think it healthy to get such stuff out of your system - because I don't think it is healthy to have it IN your system in the first place. We are a couple precicely because we have found a harmonious, peaceful balance in being with each other. If we were not bringing the other anything but happiness, why would we even bother?

I've had past relationships where such annimosity was part and parcel of the bargain - and it made me miserable.

My relationship is too important to damage with such an utterance, even in the heat of the moment, it is important to me to retain a sense of perspective on what is important to me.

< Message edited by bastardandthewen -- 4/10/2007 7:32:57 PM >

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 11

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:28:03 PM

maybemaybenot

Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

There are two phrases that I will not use and will not tolerate from another in any relationship I have with another human being And I think I might feel even deeper if it came from my Dominant.

1-"I hate you" Like others have said, for me, if it ever came to the point where I would utter those words, I would rather leave the situation and re group. If I ever felt those words, I would leave the relationship.
2- Shut up- I do not have quite the visceral reaction to that phrase as I do to " I hate you", but it's close.

Don't get me wrong, I have a sharp tongue when angry and can name call and be a wench with the best of them, I just can't bring myself to say either of those terms.

mbmbn

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 12

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:28:34 PM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy
If a woman I was with ever said "I hate you" She would be shown the door....I would never say such things to a woman simply because I would never allow myself to reach that point...Either things would get better or I would remove myself from such a toxic environment.

^ ---- this is how I deal with this as well. I can take it every once in awhile,
but if it was a common ocurrance that would be it.   I would first try or make
a honest effort to talk about, deal with the issues. However, when all else fails
It's simply over with.  Somebody's ass will be out the door.

Amazing I still remember one time when I told somebody to get out, and then
they told me to get out. Egging a fight on even more.   I'm not into giving anybody
this type of attention. Getting egged into a mindless name calling fight is just
supporting bad behavior in my book.

< Message edited by WhiplashSmile -- 4/10/2007 7:32:42 PM >

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 13

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:38:05 PM

Cdub2U

Posts: 69
Joined: 9/20/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Passion357

Greetings, All,

Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and Fighting, among Master and slaves.

I think it's good to get these feelings OUT.
So if anyone anywhere from any side of the Umbrella that is BDSM would like to share experiences of telling their Master or slave "I hate you...", name calling, screaming, and out right fighting, NO MATTER what it was/is about, please feel free.

snip

I have been through two divorces, nither I nor my ex wives have ever did the hate you thing (that I can remember). You folks need to do some serious talking, put the M/s thing on hold and talk as two equal human beings.

If that will not work it;s time to move on!

_____________________________

"Free your mind and your ass will follow
the kingdom of heaven is within"
G. Clinton

"Can't you see, it all makes perfect sense
Expressed in Dollars and cents, Pounds shillings and pence"
R. Waters

(in reply to Passion357)

Post #: 14

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:43:36 PM

leakylee

Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

Hey Passion,
I can say that I did tell him that I hated him, bacause I did. The relationship got so toxic. It got so bad. The trust was so fried that I didnt care. Every nasty low life quality and trait that I possesed sprang to the forefront. Shoot some I didnt even know were there. Being a bitch I was content with when the need arose, but this went wayyy beyond bitch. The sad thing was that with the whole love thing involved and his control still in place, to some degree, I couldnt just walk away. I purposely sabotaged, pushed, disobeyed every rule that I knew would lead to my release.

Then the final get out came. It made the healing rougher than hell, but it was worth it.

It was a match created in hell.

lee

_____________________________

I am so not right, that I left..

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RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 7:48:36 PM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

If my slave told me he hated me, that would be the end of that relationship for good and forever. I would never trust him again. You all need to respect your Dom/mes if you want to be in this lifestyle; otherwise, you may want to go to some other type movement.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to Passion357)

Post #: 16

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 8:02:21 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I try to only say things that I truly mean, even when mad or upset. I've never felt the need to say either one of those things.

Master Fire

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The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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(in reply to Passion357)

Post #: 17

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 8:35:57 PM

Passion357

Posts: 481
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

Greetings, All,

quote:

Both you and him need to step outside of the M/s box for a few have a good heart to heart communication about the problems.

Whoa there, Whip, lol.

I think I need to be a bit more clear. We did this seperation 8 months ago. It's done, problem solved. It works for us.

When we first told our family of our home setting they were all "omg what's wrong??"...lol..."nothing- It's what's *right*..."
>>I guess you'd have to really know us to understand truly. He has an older brother that has his own room much as our own setting...only Dark has seen this room...LOL<<

Before that, starting around Christmas 2005, (edit 2005 not 2006) I slept on the couch-bed of the den because
1) I had the flu, constantly, and could not sleep in his room because the heater didn't keep it warm enough.
2) I have scoliosis.(edit curvature of the spine) His bed is way too hard for me, I need something softer, and the couch bed is softer. I could get a good nights sleep and actually walk the next day! LOL

During what I call our "Bad time" when all this was going on...
First he was working driving a friggin log truck. Working days, which is unusual for him as he has worked nights most of his life. He worked from 4 am to anywhere from 4 pm to $%^$ 10 PM.
They were wearing him out!
He'd come in the door at night and he'd look 90 years old...all red faced, drop his bag, take off his boots and I swear the man looked like he wanted to cry some nights. It was not all his fault. Nor mine.
It got to where he didn't have time for me anymore. When he got home he had barely enough time to eat and bath. Sometimes he'd skip one or both of those. And yes I had to sit back and watch this...we were going down FAST.
He didn't have time during the week to sit and talk with me...literally..and it got to where on his days off all we did was fight.
He is the type when arguing and it gets too heated, he walks away and cools off.
Well, it got so bad I couldn't let him keep walking away. I HAD to be heard. I was tired of talking to the walls and we had been so out of touch with our friends and family I had noone else to talk to!
I could get (edit- give him) about 5 - 10 mins of space long enough to start a ciggy and burst into tears, then off to his room I went to try and talk it out. He hadn't had NEAR enough time to chill.
I didn't have my own space. We had a den, an office, his bedroom and kitchen. The (edit formal) living, dining, and other bath room were underconstruction, so to speak.
The only other room was where I sit now, the office, which back then was the:
Playroom/slave parlor/dungeon/hideout...it's been everything LOL
But I didn't feel it was *mine*, so to speak. It wasn't big enough and in the middle of these arguments he had a big ole bedroom to go into. With his decorations and his bed and his TV...He HAD space. I had a cramped playroom...what-have-you with a stereo, couch, game table, many various end tables, and a coffee table...no TV, no bed- couldn't sleep on the couch -way too uncomfortable. Stereo too loud on account it's right next to his room.
( My idea of get away space is loud music...I have base boosters...I didn't want to fan the flames by cranking up...) I was just to cramped. And he never heard me tell the walls that!
I started clamming up, sweaty palms, couldn't look him in the eye, bottled up emotions.... I was losing myself sloooooooowly...

So we elected to split the house. It's a huge house...we weren't using it all anyway, so we did this.
It works. We are happy, safe, and getting healthier by the day. I have lost much weight, as I was trying, and he has, too, and we both eat healthier.
Right now I can't recall our last argument.

On another note:
We have no "M/s box". I am slave and he is Master 24/7 no matter what. There is no box to step out of and evaluate the situation.
(Many arguments have been settled in the past with me kneeling at his feet and him sitting in his recliner...even if we were cursing and spitting LOL) - no not literally spitting -
We evaluate the same way...well there is just no other way to put this...we are M/s always.

Yes we still "play", if by play you mean whippings, floggings, scening etc. Why would we stop?
We also just got Married 3-5-07.

(Edit) We are fine, now. And, on a wicked fun side: having our own rooms had lead to MANY great scenes, as well as he can tell me, lovingly, or otherwise "go to your room!"

P.S.

quote:

I DON"T think it healthy to get such stuff out of your system - because I don't think it is healthy to have it IN your system in the first place.

I didn't mean that. I don't either.
I meant this thread will be healthy to talk about when you have said such and had such arguments. It will be healthy to talk it out here and I dunno help others maybe know that they aren't alone.

Well Wishes,
~Passion~

< Message edited by Passion357 -- 4/10/2007 8:55:34 PM >

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 18

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 8:55:12 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I've never said I hate you to my partner because it's never been true. I've told him that I'm really pissed at him, angry at him, disappointed in him, and don't feel very loving towards him at times.

I've told him to get out or that we had to separate when I was aware enough to realize my anger was not going to go anywhere productive and that it needed time to get perspective.

There is a reason we insist on keeping separate bedrooms :)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Passion357)

Post #: 19

RE: Saying "I hate you!", Name calling, and F... - 4/10/2007 9:00:21 PM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

My mother used to say I should tell my now X dominant to go to hell when he hurt my feelings or angered me. I never did. I knew I'd be single so fast I wouldn't know what to do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSCD

If my slave told me he hated me, that would be the end of that relationship for good and forever. I would never trust him again. You all need to respect your Dom/mes if you want to be in this lifestyle; otherwise, you may want to go to some other type movement.

Regards, MissSCD

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 20

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