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ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I suppose you can't change your family's tradition of honoring the dead by acting like it didn't happen.  In our family after a death we usually use the holiday as an excuse to get everyone together to celebrate, we talk about the person with positive memories and while there may often be tears shed, it's just part of the process for us.  I can't imagine ignoring it or trying to act like nothing was different.

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ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I am sorry for what you are going through.  I am in the midst of a year of firsts without my Dad.  Father's Day will be a killer.

I'm in month 8.  You do get through it.  Cry, mourn, do what you need to; it's part of that painful thing we call "the process."  Blech.  But I wouldn't sit around trying not to think about it during these holidays and key dates.  Missing him is part of feeling his presence with you.  Embrace the love you all feel for him and cry together, and agree that it really sucks not having him there, and just throw it out there in the open.  Only then can you really accept the truth of his absence, and even dare to laugh together and love each other in his honor.

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ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite
But I'm going to grief counseling, which is helping. My parents aren't the healthiest of people, but I have to take care of my own bereavement and not get mixed up in their mess. I have my Mister and my kids to fall back on when the 'rents aren't available. Which is often, lol.

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ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite

And it's only April. Yesterday, we struggled through the First Easter without my brother. My parents, husband, and I sat in their living room, struggling painfully through conversation. Not wanting to think about the missing piece of us. I went upstairs and layed down on his bed, trying to soak up some of his essence. He died there. I closed my eyes, listened to the burble of the fishtank. The room was  one big phantom limb.. my baby was there, but not really.

It's only April. Mother's Day in May. His birthday and Father's Day in June. The Graduation Day he won't be at.. just a memorial yearbook page. The 4th of July... but that's too much to even think about right now. He loved setting off fireworks, I always warned him about being careful. Those things'll blow your fingers off, I said.

My brother's name was Evan. He rescued stray kittens, stood up for the underdog, played football. Loved Good Charlotte and his girlfriend. He was a smartass and a grouch. I rocked him to sleep when he was a baby. I changed his diaper. Good lord, 19 years of memories, lol. I had so many hopes for him! He was going to make better choices, make our parents so proud! Damnit, he was the good one.

A little over 4 months. It'll be 5 months on the 26th. We still have a whole year of Firsts to get through. Halloween, Thanksgiving. Christmas will feel like a First. I don't count last Christmas as existing at all. I wish I could just erase this whole year, or just skip ahead to 2008. Oh, well.... can't do that, so we'll just handle 2007 the way we've been so far. Living from good moment to good moment. Seizing all the joy we can. These are desperate times, you know?

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ORIGINAL: BBBTBW

I can so relate to where you are, I have been there with my brother as well.  He passed away 22 years ago at the tender age of 21, he was just starting to start living.  He passed away a week before my younger brothers birthday and we had the funeral the day before the birthday.  My younger brother has to live with that now for the rest of his life.  he is now 36.  Time makes all wounds numb.  The year of firsts was horrible but we made it, and its all good.

14 years later, my mother was killed on Christmas Eve.  Talk about that first Christmas and our year of firsts was probably the most miserable.  But we made it and its all good.

You too will make it.  Your strength lies with you.

Ms Loren

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ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

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ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite
But I'm going to grief counseling, which is helping. My parents aren't the healthiest of people, but I have to take care of my own bereavement and not get mixed up in their mess. I have my Mister and my kids to fall back on when the 'rents aren't available. Which is often, lol.

I give you high praise for breaking out of their old tradition and teaching your kids to honor and celebrate the dead and keep them as a part of your daily life.  Kudos!

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ORIGINAL: SDFemDom4cuck

Having just gone through a year of multiple firsts...2005 brought me 5 deaths in a 4 month period. My son's father died suddenly, My cousin within days of him, 2 friends were killed in an auto accident together and then the sudden death of another. It was not an easy year and it seemed like every month brought some reminder or another. A birthday, a holiday or an anniversary. To say that I was somewhat relieved when 2006 ended would be an understatement.

I learned however that death is not something we "get over" but it is something that we get through. Time can numb the pain of loss but never the memory of those we have loved.

Taking care of yourself is paramount. Give yourself the time, space and permission to grieve. Be angry if you're angry, be sad if you're sad. It's ok to celebrate their life and enjoy the good memories you have of him as well. Every day I had with each of them was a gift. Every memory I have of them was their gift to me. I know that when it's my time and those I leave behind remember me, I want it to be done with laughter and joy at the memories we've shared; not with tears and numbing grief. That is how I try to deal with the losses of those I've loved as well.

You're in my thoughts, wishing you the courage, strength and comfort you need in the days ahead.

The poem below was one we used in the memorium for Ken, my son's father. A simple reminder that he is always with me. Even though I can no longer hear his laugh or hold him near; I hold him always in my heart and in my memories.



Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

~Mary Elizabeth Frye