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nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 10:28:23 AM

missturbation

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Whilst out having coffee with a nilla and a lifestyle friend the conversation of honesty came up. My nilla friend stated that she thought that lifestyle relationships would probably be far more likely to be honest because we are so open about other things like our wants, needs, desires. My lifestyle friend and i thought about this for a moment and i said i thought there was probably about the same - good and bad in ever walk of life and all that! My lifestyle friend disagreed with me and said that despite the openness of people in the lifestyle most of the time there were also a lot of dishonest people. She then began to reel off lists of people we both know within the munch circle we hang out in that have been dishonest etc. I had to admit at this list of evidence that she may have a point. However i did also say that maybe its because the munch circles are so intertwined, we all know everyone elses business, what theyve been up to etc and that makes for not much escaping peoples notice.
So are people in the lifestyle really less honest in your opinion or is it just that the close knit community we live in means we can't escape other peoples notice when we are dishonest?

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 10:42:18 AM

crouchingtigress

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From: Maui
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a king once brought two men to stand before him

one was a negative fellow with nothing but lies and hatred.

the king told this man to go search his kingdom and find and honest man....and sent the man on his way

one was a positive fellow...he spoke nothing but the kindness and love of others...

the king told this man to go and find a dis honest man.....and sent him on his way

3 years later they return...the sour puss fellow told the king that he had interviewed each and every person in the kingdom and there was no such creature as and honest and good man

the loving fellow also stated he searched each and every person and he was unable to find a single dishonest or mean spirited man...

that about sums it up for me Miss....nice pic by the way...very sexy.

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 10:55:05 AM

onestandingstill

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I think honesty and dishonesty have the same guages in both vanilla and BDSM worlds.
People are people & unfortunately lots lie about important things and few can be held to their word & promises these days in general.
I think no matter if you're vanilla or if your Master or slave being lied to in relationships hurts you.
suzanne

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Post #: 3

RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 11:00:36 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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All one needs to do is hang here for a week and hear about all the subs too shy and scared to open up, all the doms who cheat, all the communication mishaps, all the people who come HERE before asking their partner about a serious issue "Why isn't he calling?" "How can I tell him this?" to realize that communication and honesty issues are just as much a problem in the lifestyle as it is anywhere else.

It's just like those who say all subs are strong- really just hang here a week and see how many times you get proven wrong on that one.

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 11:02:50 AM

darkinshadows

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People are people - 'community' or 'lifestyle' doesn't matter.

Peace and Rapture

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 11:03:51 AM

spanklette

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People are people, vanilla or kinky or anything else under the sun. Honesty depends on the person, not the lifestyle. Maybe in certain situations, lifestylers will be more direct...but I wouldn't go as far to say kinksters are more or less honest. I don't think it's a distinction one can make based on lifestyle choice.

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~spanklette~

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 11:20:17 AM

toservez

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From: All over now in Minnesota
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People are people being on the polar end in the dominant/submissive bar and practicing this life does not come with a gene that makes you more honest or communicative.

The life we live might give a better framework for communication, I do not necessarily believe this myself, it may give people areas to talk about and discuss that they may normally not think of to discuss openly but it still relies on the people to be open to and effective in communicating with each other.

Some people are naturally good at communicating. Some people make it a priority within their relationship. I have never seen any correlation to say we communicate better. I just think when it comes to other people seeing our communication we may just do it louder.

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 11:27:13 AM

MasterFireMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: darkinshadows

People are people - 'community' or 'lifestyle' doesn't matter.
Peace and Rapture

I so now have that song in my head. Oh, and I agree. LOL

Master Fire

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Post #: 8

RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 11:45:37 AM

gypsygrl

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For me, the only difference would be how in depth I'm willing to go on topics relevant to sex and kink. At minimum, its a normal topic for discussion in these kinds of relationships and its easier to talk about.

Whether habits of open communication are established, though, seems to depend on a lot of variables. In my experience, I think the whole mars/venus thing impedes open communication and I find myself tailoring what I say to my assessment of what the male listener is interested in. This might be one of those things I do as a submissive--I'm not going to bother a guy with feeling talk if they aren't into it and it makes the edgy and impatient. I introduce the topics, but if they aren't picked up on, I let it go. With vanilla relationships this can cause problems, but with D/s its easier to stay focused on pragmatics and sublate the feeling part into the structure of the relationship. This process of sublation informs the hiearchy and gives it some life.

I guess I'm of the opinion that complete honesty and openess is not the only foundation for a relationship, if that makes sense. I don't expect a dominant I interact with to tell me everything. He has the option of picking and choosing what he talks about and when. I also don't expect a dominant to listen to everything I say or to be an ever available ear. Again, its his option to pick and choose what he wants to listen to and when.

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 11:55:31 AM

starshineowned

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Greetings..~smiles~

I always was under the impression that when people spoke of this way of life as being more honest...that technically what they were realy referring to was the openess to one another of their more secretive and darker thoughts, fantasys, actions that most in the nilla world would frown upon or find sick and twisted. That even if judeged or told man thats gross..the person could walk away with some measure of security that their spilling of their guts would not be used against them, and that not all within this way of life would have a negative reaction.

I find this completely different than a measure of honesty where you say you did or didn't do knowing it was intentionally a falsehood.

Well Wishes
starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 12:14:09 PM

Missokyst

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People are people, regardless of bdsm. You will find honor, dishonor, honesty, or deceit, no matter which lifestyle you live, because you cannot take humanity out of the equation.
Kyst

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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 1:10:24 PM

xonemasterx

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I feel the OP's 'nilla friend is confusing two issues. Those in the lifestyle appear to her to be open and honest about very intimate things. Things that most 'nilla seem not to talk about much or with great honesty and openness.

The other side is that communication is always an issue in whatever kind of relationship. Openness and honesty are essential keys to success in any relationship. And it always takes work.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 12

RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 3:57:41 PM

missturbation

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I feel the OP's 'nilla friend is confusing two issues.
Kind of i guess.
She presumed that because we are so open about kink etc that that honesty would run into our relationships. That there would not be the level of lies and deceit as there is in vanilla.

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What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 5:35:04 PM

sweetnurseBBW

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I think its the same in nilla or lifestyle. There are as many honest people as liars. It is not different that the nilla world to me.

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 5:40:29 PM

domiguy

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I would actually tend to believe that there would be a greater chance of running into deceptive people out here just because I think there might be more folks out here who might be damaged.....Just a thought.

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 6:03:34 PM

spanklette

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You might be on to something there...people talking under the delusion that they're being honest, when in reality it's just the baggage speaking.

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~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 6:17:33 PM

sweetnurseBBW

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Most of my family is damaged and they aren't lifestyle. I think the damaged theory works for those that have had major issues online and in real life. On here we just here the whiney ones that complain about their past relationships and experiences. In my 12 years as a slave I have met more whackos online than in real life. Lots of people lie online, hats universal. Vanilla people have baggage. Watch Dr. Phil or Opra. Lifestylers have baggage. Everyone does.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 6:21:33 PM

spanklette

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Unfortunately, for me, I've met more whackos in real life than online. I suppose, that's mostly because I discoverd online long after I discovered real time. Most unfortunately of all, most of the whackos I'm talking about...I'm related to.

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~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 6:25:16 PM

SlaveBlutarsky

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quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

People are people, vanilla or kinky or anything else under the sun. Honesty depends on the person, not the lifestyle. Maybe in certain situations, lifestylers will be more direct...but I wouldn't go as far to say kinksters are more or less honest. I don't think it's a distinction one can make based on lifestyle choice.

Bingo. Very well put.

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RE: nilla vs lifestyle honesty - 4/4/2007 6:29:34 PM

sweetnurseBBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

Unfortunately, for me, I've met more whackos in real life than online. I suppose, that's mostly because I discoverd online long after I discovered real time. Most unfortunately of all, most of the whackos I'm talking about...I'm related to.

When I started in the lifestyle there was no internet and I met whackos. I was fortunate to have alot of people in our small community that knew everyone really well. Just more world wide ones online it seems. I understand the being related to whackos, hence why I live 800 miles from them.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

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