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SusanofO -> RE: skeletons, closets, and a big brick wall (3/31/2007 6:41:19 PM)
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I never tell my family anything. Even though they are actually fairly "liberal." The only person who knows is my middle sister (I have two sisters). The reason she knows is because last Fall my ex-Dominant beat me to a (non-consensual) pulp, and my sister and I were having lunch, and I accidentally slipped and told her about it, and then she got all weirded out about it, and threatened to tell my father unless I prosecuted him. So I did (and I initially did not plan to do that.) She is sworn to secrecy, though, because if my father found out he just would not understand, and probably would come after any Dominant of mine with a shot-gun, or something. Plus he'd no doubt spend hours, or weeks, (or maybe years) wondering "where he went wrong" raising me, no matter what I said to him, and he was actually a great father, and I just don't wanna go there...my mother is dead - so no worries there. My other sister would probably get weirded out about it, although I do have a niece who I'd say may have serious "Domme" tendencies. She inquired of me once if I thought her inclinations re: fantasizing about spanking guys were "weird", and I said no, and referred her to a few pretty mild bdsm websites, on the condition she not tell her mother I told her about them (and she hasn't, and that was over a year ago). She is 20 years old, and a very attractive "tomboy" type. I have no idea why she asked me, except that I am considered the "most open minded" one in my family- I'd never mentioned anything related to bdsm - to anyone in my family, but am glad I had the chance to maybe help me niece in that instance. I am "out" to one "vanilla" friend, and until last week, that was going rather well, until she looked up some more extreme S/m websites, and apparently got grossed out by what she saw, and is now constantly wringing her hands in supposed "fear for my safety", and my mentioning it has now turned into a primo pain in the ass, and now every time I am around her, I feel she thinks a big part of me is "sick". Why did I ever, ever open my mouth?, I am now asking myself. I don't have enough money to buy aspirin for all of the folks who would claim to be worried about me if I "outed" myself to them, so I just say nothing. Easier for me, easier for them. Am I a "hypocrite"? I dunno - it's my life, and I am pretty realistic in my assessment of who in my life can "handle" this kind of information. I just want some peace. I think whoever feels better coming out with all of the bdsm talk to relatives and friends should do that, I really mean that. I have zero constructive advice to offer on "coming out", because I've simply avoided it all, as the path of least resistence makes more sense - for me. But I will say: If you feel you "owe" anyone an explanation of what you do in your bedroom on week-ends, or what "kind" of relationship you have w/a "significnt other", IMO, you absolutely do not. It is just nobody's business. I don't care how much they say they want to know, or how much they tell you they "need to know." They just don't, IMO. My view: Unless they are "into" bdsm themselves, unless they are extremely trustworthy, plus extremely open-minded and accepting, expecting automatic "acceptance" is probably, IMO, setting yourself up for an avoidable, and un-necessary, fall. *My basic question in these situations is usually: Why do they "need" to know? My usual answer to myself: It would be nice if they just "accepted" my proclivities toward bdsm. Will they? Probably not, and if they do it will be grudgingly. Are they obligated to accept it? No. But most of all, my question is usually - is it any of their friggin' business? NO. For me, being "out" to everyone, and anyone, is just more potential trouble than it is worth. If I met some Dominant I decided I loved, or got serious with some male submissive, for instance, and wanted to bring them to a holiday dinner with my family, they'd just have to make the ultimate sacrifice, I guess, and not mention anything about bdsm for a few hours. If they couldn't agree to do this, we couldn't ever have a relationship where they met my family. Nobody in it "needs" detailed explanantions of my intimate life. I certainly never ask for one from them, nor do they offer it - and we are a pretty close family. My bottom line is that I just plain don't consider my sex life anyone else's business. I don't ask anyone I know about their sex life. Oh sure, occasionally my sisters and I have had our "heart-to-heart" talks over the years, and ditto for a few very, very close friends, but mostly, the topic comes up extremely rarely, if ever. I can't imagine having to "out" myself to anyone, about something I consider basically none of anyone's business to begin with. In fact, I'd feel insulted if anyone else did consider it their business, because it's just not. But I sincerely wish you luck (I really, truly do), no matter what you decide. - Susan
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