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Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 8:22:53 AM

FukinTroll

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Often we are burdened with specters of our past, banshee’s of psychotic relationships, ghouls of gambits gone awry, and demonic visages of nut jobs.

We spoke of phantom flags and sabotaging our chances before and we received some very enlightening replies to that thread. Nevertheless I think this little thought may be yet another dark facet of our id that merits introspection. I know I am guilty of seeing habits or mannerism that gets my ghosts to moaning and I stop and look at that very carefully, sometimes very forcefully, and wrestle with the idea of “is it her or someone else”. I have grown accustom to doling out rope until they hang themselves to avoid blaming, or pigeon holing, her for someone else’s mistakes.
I know that all of us do not want to be bitter, I can’t imagine someone actually relishing that, but are/do we let the bad experiences of our past bleed through into our current endeavors? Are we blaming our new interests for the mistakes of others?

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 8:26:25 AM

drawntothedark

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I think to a point most of us would say that some of our past rules the way we behave today. I would like to think I am free of all those past chains, but sometimes they rear their ugly head. I'm a work in progress. Perhaps one day I will be more enlightened and realize the ghost from my past can't really hurt anymore :)

I have seen relationships torn apart because someone was hurt in the past and do take it out on their current partner. It's sad but it happenes.

< Message edited by drawntothedark -- 3/22/2007 8:28:01 AM >

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 8:30:23 AM

juliaoceania

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quote:

I know that all of us do not want to be bitter, I can’t imagine someone actually relishing that, but are/do we let the bad experiences of our past bleed through into our current endeavors? Are we blaming our new interests for the mistakes of others?

I am going to be 39 in a few days. I have baggage. In fact I could open a luggage store

My Daddy is 44. He has baggage too

I have lashed out a couple of times because he triggered my "issues". He has reacted to me also. Now it is not fair, but life is not fair. I am determined that I will stow away my baggage as much as possible and not let it interfere all the time, but you know it is what it is. I believe those who think they have no demons from their past are probably not very self aware, they have not lived long, or they have had boring lives. It is not having the baggage that is the problem.. it is what we do with it...

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 8:30:33 AM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll
Are we blaming our new interests for the mistakes of others?

Often times, yes. I did, in the beginning of my slavery to him. He often said, "Do not judge me based on the idiots of your past; I am not them." It was a hard thing to get through, and took time and observing his consistency. He was always quick to point out when I did that, or when I was reacting from a place of baggage.

Conversely, there has been the rare time when he reacted from a sensitized position based on mistakes in his own past, having had the need to let go of a girl who was once very dear to him. And I have, on those rare occasions, sadly said, "I am not her, Master."

We learn, we grow, and hopefully we overcome those anchors which prevent us from living in the present and moving toward the future. We are always able to discuss when this happens and move on from it. This required a lot more work in the beginning and is not something we really contend with anymore.

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Post #: 4

RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 8:38:08 AM

mixielicous

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my issues stem from a previous bf who developed a drug addiction. he would rustle around in the bathroom whenever he was shooting up ... now whenever i hear rustling in the bathroom i assume that He is doing something secretive that He does not want me to know about.

its here where i have to remove myself from the situation and remind myself, He is not him.

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 8:39:20 AM

StellaByStarlite

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

Often we are burdened with specters of our past, banshee’s of psychotic relationships, ghouls of gambits gone awry, and demonic visages of nut jobs.

We spoke of phantom flags and sabotaging our chances before and we received some very enlightening replies to that thread. Nevertheless I think this little thought may be yet another dark facet of our id that merits introspection. I know I am guilty of seeing habits or mannerism that gets my ghosts to moaning and I stop and look at that very carefully, sometimes very forcefully, and wrestle with the idea of “is it her or someone else”. I have grown accustom to doling out rope until they hang themselves to avoid blaming, or pigeon holing, her for someone else’s mistakes.
I know that all of us do not want to be bitter, I can’t imagine someone actually relishing that, but are/do we let the bad experiences of our past bleed through into our current endeavors? Are we blaming our new interests for the mistakes of others?

I don't now, but I've been guilty of that before. There really wasn't any valid excuse for it, either, other then I was just being a little shit. My current husband/owner is nowhere near like my ex-jerkoff, and I was basically doing the whole "comparison" thing because of immaturity on my part. We worked through it, though.. after I owned up.

It's been done to me, too, so I should have known better, really. Well, live and learn. =)

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 9:06:15 AM

canupleaseme

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Id like to think I have all my emotional baggage in check but when I look at certains situations I realise sometimes I do allow other peoples mistakes inmy past influence my reactions to present situations. Saying that its not always in a bad way.I do try and let my past mistakes serve as a reminder of how not to behave and react to certain things now, which I think is very helpful.

I certainly made my boy wait for ages before I would even consider a relationship with him becasue of previous experiences. If only I had known then what I know now lol.

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 9:08:37 AM

toservez

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Depends on what the mistakes were and the baggage they caused. Certainly learning from past bad situations and/or learning what works for you or is needed for you to be happy is a good and wise thing. Over reacting and judging others on the lowest common denominator and/or guilty before proven innocent would to be where it ceases to become a positive and becomes a personal problem.

To see traits or actions by another person that you have learned that this will cause problems or you cannot or will not want to deal with is a good thing. To make another person jump through hoops for you based on previous relationships is a bad place to be. There is risk and effort in all relationships and it takes both people in the relationship equal effort and accepting there are risks. To shift the majority of that effort and risk to the other person because of past issues is not fair to the other person and will hurt the chances of the relationship going well.

You must have an open heart and mind if you want to find that special other or at the very least improve your odds. If your baggage is causing you not to see other people with an open mind or heart, to me that is when you need to look at yourself before looking for others.

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 9:36:02 AM

Eruditegirl

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I review past relationships and try to look at them as relationship training. As I have worked through each past issue I try figure out how it is influencing me negatively or positively in my current verve. If I deem that there are things I haven’t dealt with, I work on them. Sometimes just acknowledging them and moving on will help me to heal them. Sometimes I have to walk myself through them; it all depends on the significance of the issue. I know that if I didn’t have self awareness and a positive sense of self then a healthy intimate relationship, would be easier said than done or even impossible. I know my strengths and weaknesses in a relationship, which is why I am a submissive. I know in the past I have gone into relationships for numerous motives and expectations. Often we desire someone using an unconscious intensity of thought as our key attraction. It is there that we hold our intense unmet needs, fears, or past baggage. If we don't get a conclusion of our past relationships/issues we can jeopardize taking them into current and future relationships, sequentially repeating them over and over again. I know for me, it's imperative to know that I have dealt effectively with any substantial hurt or disappointment. I try to stop and listen to myself when I see a past issue start to interfere with a present relationship.

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 9:44:19 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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When I accepted my partner into my life, I accepted his baggage into mine. I accepted that there would be things that he would be sensitive about and made it my responsibility to know those things, to not hurt him with sharp edges when avoidable and to even help show how all that baggage could be released.

He did the same for me.

There are many people I chose NOT to bring into my life because their baggage was too much or they did not know how to carry it well enough.

There's a difference between having baggage and having it impact your life- and having baggage that you use to fling at other people.

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 10:09:58 AM

thetammyjo

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I think it is only natural, meaning that it is how our brains work, to make current decisions based on our past experiences.

I also think it is almost conditioned into us to act without really thinking through things or analyzing things.

Thus when things happen that seem similar to things from the past we react automatically. It takes time and practice to stop doing that. The more intense the events that are being triggered the harder it is to stop just reacting.

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 10:43:25 AM

missturbation

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I know I am guilty of seeing habits or mannerism that gets my ghosts to moaning and I stop and look at that very carefully, sometimes very forcefully, and wrestle with the idea of “is it her or someone else”.
I don't think i know anyone who isn't guilty of this. I know i certainly am time and time again and many times i've been right to be cautious and many times i've been wrong. Anyone who has been hurt in some way in a relationship will look for 'signs' of that behaviour in others.
I have grown accustom to doling out rope until they hang themselves to avoid blaming, or pigeon holing, her for someone else’s mistakes.
I have never 'doled out rope' as you term it, i'm way to cautious for that nowadays. I tend to flit at the first sign of trouble / behaviour i have seen before that caused me hurt.
I can’t imagine someone actually relishing that, but are/do we let the bad experiences of our past bleed through into our current endeavors?
I think thats human nature, once bitten, twice shy. Things from the past are brought into the present all the time as we hope we have learnt from them and can spot the signs of potential hurt in the future. If we didnt take these things with us we would not have learnt anything or be able to use what we learnt to protect ourselves.
Are we blaming our new interests for the mistakes of others?
Not blaming them per se but maybe just not confident enough in or trusting of new interests. There is a definite hesitance for me when i've been hurt or let down to move on with someone else passed the point of comfort. Only time can lower the barriers we put up after hurt and maybe 'blaming new interests' means we should be taking more time out to heal from whatever it was that hurt you.

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 11:24:24 AM

bearincuffs

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Maybe subconciously we do allow our own past baggage to be negatively projected onto others. I believe most of us are guilty of this and we are quick to be a bit judgemental and assume the other person will be like the last one who caused us pain and turmoil.
It's my thought that in a limited way, we do have past baggage "bleed" into our current interests and relationships. For some reason, it's easier to blame others for the baggage caused in the past by someone else. The toughest lesson is to have ourselves realize that the past has to be reconciled enough so it's influence on the future is negligeable (sp?)

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 12:02:56 PM

MasterFireMaam

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As you uncover triggers, let your partner know. In the end, the past can't be reconciled with the other person, it can only be reconciled within you. It doesn't matter what they did, because you can't change that. What matters is how you reacted to it. Look at why, even if it's simply to look at why you felt betrayed. When you know THAT deep trigger, let your partner know. Then, you have the choice to work to change the trigger or not. Yeah, easier said than done.

Master Fire

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 12:05:47 PM

slaveish

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Troll, we are a sum total of our experiences. Of course our pasts bleed through to who we are today because we ~are~ our past. Hopefully we learn to realize what our triggers are and learn how to effectively and positively deal with our reactions to them. Many do not learn and just as many don't even realize they have issues with which they need to deal.

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 12:56:15 PM

bellanotte

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The cliche goes that "time heals all wounds." I don't think it is time per se.... or many of us would not be carrying around that baggage anymore. The critical issue is whether or not we deal with it in a healthy manner, or whether we get caught in a cycle of repeating the mistake, either literally with a new partner, or in our own minds.

For myself, the biggest issue has been trust. I came away from a past relationship virtually unable to trust. During the last couple of years I have grown to the extent that the level of trust I have in those close to me now utterly amazes me... I am not sure I -ever- had that level of trust even when the "baggage" was being created.

The key for me is that the trust I have allowed has let me see the understanding and compassion of others for exactly what it is -- understanding, compassion, and sensitivity. And with that knowledge that someone does actually care, and that -currently- things are going OK, I am able to let go of things slowly.

I don't know if you can ever completely banish the ghosts... but you can sure turn down the volume on them!!

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 12:57:44 PM

windchymes

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Our past experiences make us who we are, which is, hopefully, wiser than we were before the experience. I think there is a big difference in "punishing" someone for the sins of someone else, and just plain learning from our past experiences and not letting the same mistakes happen twice...or three times.

Punishing goes along with drama and need for attention, I think, saying, "See, look what you did!!! Oh God, I can't go through that again...." for every little imagined trangression that someone may commit. As opposed to discussing something that bothers you in a rational matter without making it into an emotional drama with a threat to break off the relationship. But also breaking off the relationship if it cannot be resolved in a fair and reasonable manner.

It's punishing another versus protecting yourself. Not punishing another TO protect yourself.

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 5:07:01 PM

blmtrsne

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I'm not the same I was then years ago, so why bother afther a while ? I just like to have fun.

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 5:28:49 PM

SexyRed

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When it comes to baggage, I think it depends on the level of hurt that you are left with. I know I am having a hard time trusting anyone; I don't look for things to go wrong, but I am not going to ignore red flags as I did in my past relationship.

I think the only way someone else pays for a mistake, is when they act the same as a past partner or do something that feels hurtful. I am a believer in actions speak louder than words.

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RE: Don’t make me pay for his/her mistakes - 3/22/2007 5:42:06 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

Often we are burdened with specters of our past, banshee’s of psychotic relationships, ghouls of gambits gone awry, and demonic visages of nut jobs.

We spoke of phantom flags and sabotaging our chances before and we received some very enlightening replies to that thread. Nevertheless I think this little thought may be yet another dark facet of our id that merits introspection. I know I am guilty of seeing habits or mannerism that gets my ghosts to moaning and I stop and look at that very carefully, sometimes very forcefully, and wrestle with the idea of “is it her or someone else”. I have grown accustom to doling out rope until they hang themselves to avoid blaming, or pigeon holing, her for someone else’s mistakes.
I know that all of us do not want to be bitter, I can’t imagine someone actually relishing that, but are/do we let the bad experiences of our past bleed through into our current endeavors? Are we blaming our new interests for the mistakes of others?

Interesting twist on the baggage threads, Troll...

...to come at it from the angle of projecting ghosts onto others rather than from the trust angle.

What I said there holds true here too. Yes, we all have our ghosts...those people that sometimes come to us unbidden and throw up their spectral image because of the actions or words of the present one. Since I've spent the last 8 years going through my past, even while becoming involved with others and sometimes, deliberately invoking the past at least in my mind, I've looked at quite a few of my ghosts. Some are friendly spirits...they taught me good things and were a good part of my life who moved on, sometimes sadly for them and sometimes for me and sometimes for both of us, when it was time. Some are not so friendly...they did things that hurt me deeply when they were a physical and mental presence in my life and not just a spectre. Things that made me very angry and bitter and cynical and yeah, sometimes there is still a bit of the cynicism and anger and bitterness still there. But I learned through researching various written materials and friends and even a counselor how to let go of what they had done, what my part had been, and to be aware and be fair. Not always perfect at it...who is? But, I keep trying.

Ironically enough, one of those "Oh shit, so this is how it feels" moments that helped me along my way happened when someone judged me based on what others had done before and left. When I heard myself saying "I am not those assholes...never was, never will be", I thought "Gee, this sounds familiar...sounds like something someone said to me once when they were walking out the door".

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