RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to continue.

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to continue.

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RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/19/2007 12:45:58 AM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
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Thankyou all for the responses. It will certainly help me to consider various things fully.
I came to our relationship a switch, who would sub as his play partner, roses bloomed, and the d/s was out of the bedroom, we were living 24/7 and life was wonderful. Rituals, rules, containment, cosy safe etc etc.

Then life bit us both on the arse, hard! Ill not bore you with details, but some serious unexpected life events have ruined our idilic lifestyle we'd both chosen. And for a time there, were ruining our lives. But we are through that now.
I believe that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I got tough. I got awfully alpha, and climbed back on top of life again, for me, my children, and us. And now? i cant seem to stop being so 'tough' anymore.

I wish so much, that it would come back, but it has continued to ebb away instead.
I would never say never, as im too old to believe in such clap trap. So perhaps it will return, but ive lost faith in it for now. Its a sad sad thing. I feel like ive just discovered that there is no santa claus.

littleone

(in reply to Evanesce)

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RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/19/2007 7:58:28 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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It might be an issue of your idea being that a sub = not alpha or tough. It's perfectly fine for you guys to decide right now that you don't need this in your lives in order for things to work well, if you really aren't happy with it, maybe some mental gymnastics are necessary. It SOUNDS like your fear of being out of control is what's preventing you from relaxing- that you feel you need to take over in order for things to go well.

But the thing is that slaves take over a lot of things, are in control of a lot of things, and yet are still slaves to their owner. Perhaps you built the relationship too much on "doing X in X way" rather than "Being X in OUR way" and when life came crashing down on your system, you felt bereft.

Finding YOUR way to be a slave, and BEING who you are rather than focusing on what you're DOING might go some way towards giving you the fulfillment you need while maintaining things as life requires.

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RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/19/2007 12:35:52 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirandlittle1

Our D/s seems to be coming to an end. Various things have brought me to a point where im no longer needing the power exchange, or welcoming of it. We are a family, and in no way will our relationship end. Just the dynamic. I do of course realise that without the dynamic, our relationship could falter also, but i hope not.
I wondered if other people have experienced this?

My submission has gone awol. And try as i might, i dont seem to be able to or want to, tap into that space again.
Id be interested to hear from others who may have had this happen. Clearly, if my submission has gone awol, then his dominance of me has gone too.
We are having a month to consider things, then we can discuss it fully.
Several attempts to restart it, have failed. Its not him, its me. Ive lost that need it seems. Its all very confusing at times.

What experiences of this have others had?

little1

I've not had the experience of being involved with a submissive and having the D/s go away, either because she/I lost it or because it was gone from both of us. I have had the experience of always being a dominant man and submerging that feeling while being in a vanilla marriage as I tried the Alan Alda route. That didn't work for me and, as things went more and more awry, the dominant came out more and more.

One cannot say where life will take us for sure. I do know that I do not see myself changing in the foreseeable future. I tell submissives I've gotten involved with, or thought I might get involved with, this from the beginning. I also try to make it clear that I do not want to get involved with someone who right at the very start is in the midst of questioning their submission or feeling it becoming less important to them because of my own feelings about my dominance versus going back to a life that did not include D/s.

I feel sorry for what is happening to the two of you. Given that you choose not to go into detail, then all I can do is suggest that you look at Master Fire Ma'am's words. And add this in on my own, with the following caveat:

***The questions that follows are not intended to be a smear or a flame or a derogation of your position. I do not have the details of what led you to your position so the question is not posed from a "I know it all and you are wrong" standpoint but rather from the idea of making you look at something that no one else has brought up perhaps quite as harshly as I know it sounds but are...I feel...honest questions from other points of view that you should ask yourself.***

Is it possible that either you or he were "using" dominance or submission to attract the other in the beginning?

Has the submission really gone or was it not in place the way it should have been at the start and life has turned in such a way that it is now easier to dispense with it?

As velvetears noted, he may (or may not) be O.K. with it now but what about 3 months from now? 6 months from now? If and when the void hits.
Will you understand and be O.K. with the fact that your wants and needs no longer mesh with his to an extent that he needs to find it elsewhere and that, if you are not O.K. with him looking elsewhere, then it could be considered selfish on your part to insist that he feel the same way as you...in other words, no longer feel the need to dominate? That you two may no longer have a relationship he wants?

To finish...I am going to be somewhat contradictory to Lashra; not for the purpose of throwing cold water on the consolation and good advice but to come in with a bit of hard-won wisdom; sometimes...even when you care deeply and fully and truly, and compromises have been tried... being true to what you want and need for happiness means that you have to walk a different road alone than the one you started together.

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RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/19/2007 12:49:35 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
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I have heard of this happening before in a variety of different ways. Sometimes the sub partner no longer feels like a sub and they become equal. Sometimes they end of permanently switching roles. And sometimes they become co-doms and get a 3rd person as sub or slave to them both. I have ALWAYS maintained that I choose a partner for who the person is at their core and not what role they may fit into at any specific time, thus if things change, it isn't impossible to keep the relationship going. Sometimes you may find that the relationship just doesn't have what it takes to keep going anymore but I don't see that happening **solely** because someone's d/s desires and needs change. Congrats on being able to be honest with yourselves about it.

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RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/25/2007 4:41:10 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
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Its been good to read from other's point of view.
We have never followed some book, or anothers view of D./s. Rather we have forged what worked for us both. So it became 'our' way of D/s.
For the future, we now need to re-negotiate what it is that we will be doing. And so far, that process is going well.
The level of communication that we forged within the D/s model, is continueing. For that i am extreemly grateful to our D/s. This way of speaking, is helping tremendously in what is a potentially hazardous part of our journey.
In a worse case scenario, i can forsee a bedroom only D/s occurring.
From a 'lets ditch all titles and have some fun' scenario, i can only gain, and what i would wish for, is that he gains equally.
Our love of each other and need to be together, as he is firstly, the man i love, my best friend, im hoping will carry some of the weight as i know this is reciprocal.
I am right now, from the discussions we have had so far, hopeful for our future together.
little1

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

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